I know this has been addressed countless times on this forum but I’ll ask again. Why is that so many of us (speaking for myself more than anyone else) get so taken aback and depressed when we fall after a long clean streak? If we would learn consistently for 200 days and then one day skip Seder we don’t feel that way. Why is with this YH of ours are we so into thinking that “oy I fell, oy I’m messed up for life” ? Is it because we’ve been addicted for so long and the the realization that it’s not fully behind us for ever is just depressing? 
Just thinking out loud and curious to hear everyone’s thoughts (sorry if I’m hijacking the thread).
Anyways Frank.Lee, 2 years is incredible, IYH I’ll get there one day but even more incredible is you attitude that you’re right back up and marching forward, gives me chizuk. 

Here I am on Motzei Shabbos Erev Yom Kippur on day 90. 
I opened my phone to look at my log of times I fell. In the previous year From R"H (2021) until Y"K (2022) I have a record of being nichshol 26 times. However those were only times that I paid money and therefore had a record, the times I was nichshol with just regular free p!@# was probably another 30+ times.
This past year, from R"H (2022) until now I was nichshol 5 times.
I joined GYE a few weeks after Yom Kippur last year after being nichshol for the 3rd time and feeling at a state of yeush (hence the name of my thread). 
BH since joining, I had one  long clean streak, a fall followed by 18 clean days and then another fall and BH clean for the last 90 days. 

What's the point of me writing this? I'm not sure. I wasn't sure what the point of me starting this thread almost a year ago was either. I don't know a lot of things. One thing I do know, is that I'm in my late 30's and have been struggling with this addiction for as long as I can remember. Other than one tekufa as a bochur in Eretz Yisroel I have never been able to maintain a clean streak for any considerable amount of time. This past year was my first year where I feel I was  victorious against my Yetzer Hara. Not perfect, far from perfect. I have plenty to klap al cheit for tomorrow night. But it's the first time in my married life of 15 years that I can honestly tell Hashem, look I've actually kept some of what I said I would. I wasn't a complete liar to You last year. I'm trying. I'm a work in progress, but I'm progressing. 

Like I said, I don't have the answers and there's a lot I don't know. Was it the continuous writing on the thread and getting chizuk from anonymous people that helped? 100%
Was it the  calls and texts I had with HHM, Eerie, my anonymous Chasidish friend who would call me frequently with a blocked number, and others that I shmoozed with that helped? 100% 
Does it get easier with time? 100%
Is it still hard at times? 100%
Am I extremely grateful to the entire GYE community? 1000%

As time goes on, what I need to constantly remind myself of is don't grow complacent. Always be on guard. I don't post as often as I should and that's because BH I'm busy but I do hope to continue checking in here. 

A Gmar Chasima Tova to all and may we merit for this  year to be year filled with Yeshua and may we all be zoche to make incredible strides against our Yetzer Haras and addictions !

Congratulations on hitting this huge milestone.

It seems like you had a tough journey so far, and it’s amazing that you’re standing were you are. Being able to pull through is not always easy and you seem to be doing a great job.

It also seems like your true wish is to be able to connect better with yiddishkeit, but the trauma of the past is holding you back, and making it hard for you to do so, as there is a constant resistance.

I feel like I can relate to many of your points and allow me to address some of my thoughts on them.

“I started watching movies, and saw hundreds of them…”

Regarding movies, yes, it’s something I can relate to and yes, it’s something I’ve also had to work on a lot over the past couple of years. B”H, my perspective has massively changed on movies and the taivah for watching has massively decreased. And with that a lot of the taivah for inappropriate material as well. That is not to say I never watch, but it happens much more rarely.

“I also started browsing YouTube as a mindless escape, and very often a clip of inappropriately dressed women pops in and I just watch it without feeling too guilty about it.”

Ah yes, recognize the pattern: brain numbing, too painful to care.

“From a religious point, I understand that this is against the Torah, but I have no strength to care. I am close to Hashem, I talk to Him every day, and I feel that Hashem understands my struggles, my exposure, the sexual abuse and religious abuse that I have been through, and that He loves me unconditionally.”

He absolutely does love you unconditionally and he definitely understands you. But I feel , at least for me, when I use that reasoning, that it holds me back from growth. The problem is that because of the resistance to religion, growing becomes so heavy that the natural reaction to it, is to shy away from growth. It’s important to be aware of this resistance and find a way, not to fight it, but to work through it.

“But from an addiction standpoint, If I truly want to “clean up”, I know I can’t be staring at shiksas/tic toc dances etc.

And I’m not even talking about the frum woman aspect, which I’m sure many people can relate to, I fall a lot with peeking glances at hot frum women and of course I should not be doing that, it’s feeding the beast!”

Yes, it’s true. But, I’m truly a believer in appreciating the small wins and just trying to get as many small wins as possible. Small things add up to big things.

“I know that addiction to porn and masturbation is like addiction to a drug, dopamine. I know that if I continue “feeding the drug”, even in small quantities, I will not achieve full recovery.”

True, we must change our actions. And we must also change our perspectives. I know that motivation can be sparse at times especially when everything feels so heavy.

But I am just so mixed up with it all, it’s so hard to kick, and religious ideas don’t talk to me. I don’t want to identify as an Ultra-Orthodox Jew, I wish I could leave it all behind.

I know, it can be hard sometimes, when the outside world seems so enticing. Many times I also have the taivah to dress differently and have the freedom that doesn’t come with orthodox lifestyle. What I find helps for me, is to play out this story till the end. Ok so let’s say I wear that and that. And let’s say that I do that and that. Now what. Do I feel better? Does it make me feel any different? From my experience of having given in to this ‘monster’ at times, the answer is no. It’s like a feeling of “That’s it? Like, I thought there would be more to it?”. Perhaps the first second is a nice feeling of freedom, but tachlis this specific action doesn’t provide any sustenance.

“As part of the backlash of what I’ve been through, I’ve delved into Jewish history and have read stuff from non-traditional (read: non censored) sources, and I’m scared to death of the path open before me…I see corruption, dysfunction, and abuse and a load of BS in our “system”, and coupled with the experience I had been through, it makes me want to run away from it all!!”

No ’system’ or ‘framework’ is perfect and you’ll always find reasons to fault a framework. But I believe it’s better to be inside a ‘broken’ framework (I’m not talking about extreme cases of abuse), than to have no framework at all. People naturally crave a system, and it’s healthy to be in a framework.

“I feel trapped in my religious identity, not sure how to find solace and clarity, how to find a steady voice in my head to see through all the BS and serve Hashem as a true servant as I’m sure He wants me to be.

I feel trapped in the loop of feeding the little monster in my brain and I sometimes feel so alone and sad because even ideas, insights, and encouragements make me crazy.”

I know, and it's so painful and hard. And especially because you want to move upwards and yet there is part of you that just doesn't want it. It's like, "stop fighting me so hard". Perhaps a suggestion would be to find something really light and enjoyable to help you reconnect. I don't know if this talks to you at all. It's merely a suggestion for finding an entry point to reconnect.

“In any case, I hope to continue documenting these little ups and downs, and I look forward to continuing to be part of this amazing forum!”

Looking forward to reading more about your journey and really wishing you an amazing new year with lots of inner peace and joy.

Yours truly,

AM

Hello to my fellow GYE warriors!

I figured I’d give it a shot at introducing myself a little bit, as I’ve read many threads here and value the growth and journey of all the amazing people over here!

My original goal when I got to this website a few months ago, was to deal with my addiction to porn and masturbation. It was getting way out of hand and it really disturbed my quality of life.

Thankfully, I have hit 90 days and I am shocked and amazed at how this was even possible, I had already written myself off to be a porn watcher and chronic masturbater for the rest of my life!

This is no doubt due to joining this website, reading the forums, chatting, and connecting via email/phone to some wonderfully amazing people here, and I want to finally say a huge public thank you to you all!!!

I owe my newfound life to this place, and I hope I can continue staying away from p & m.

Due to the fact that I have been clean from p & m for a while, I will leave that part of my life out of my story (for now) and perhaps revisit it in a later post.

What I would like to address, with as limited details as possible, is that I have been struggling mightily with cleaning up the rest of my act while also struggling with my religious identity.

For a good period of my life (not from birth) I was involved in an extremist, abusive and controlling group.

Thank Heaven (and I praise Hashem for this every day) I am done with that.

But it resulted in a massive religious identity crisis, which I am still struggling through.

I wanted nothing to do with religion, I am numbed by many aspects of it. The pain in some areas is almost visceral, like being scalded when getting too close to a hot fire.

Certain things about our way of life are too painful, and I just dissociate from it.

What does this have to do with GYE and addiction?

Well, the truth is, that although I am free of p & m for a nice while, there are other things I have experimented with as I have gone through my journey.

I started watching movies, and saw hundreds of them, and many were literally soft-core porn films.

(I must say that thankfully, I don’t remember when I’ve watched a movie last, probably a half a year, but it’s not so much “b’sh*tah,” I just haven’t got the brain space to put myself into a good emotional movie)

I started finding meaning in non-Jewish music. What can I say? I enjoy it, and nothing really moves me like that, I identify with the lyrics and passion. I’m not talking about outright prust music, but certain genres appeal to me and I cannot go back to Yiddish music, I have tried to and didn’t hold for more than a few days.

I also started browsing YouTube as a mindless escape, and very often a clip of inappropriately dressed women pops in and I just watch it without feeling too guilty about it.

From a religious point, I understand that this is against the Torah, but I have no strength to care. I am close to Hashem, I talk to Him every day, and I feel that Hashem understands my struggles, my exposure, the sexual abuse and religious abuse that I have been through, and that He loves me unconditionally.

But from an addiction standpoint, If I truly want to “clean up”, I know I can’t be staring at shiksas/tic toc dances etc.

And I’m not even talking about the frum woman aspect, which I’m sure many people can relate to, I fall a lot with peeking glances at hot frum women and of course I should not be doing that, it’s feeding the beast!

I know that addiction to porn and masturbation is like addiction to a drug, dopamine. I know that if I continue “feeding the drug”, even in small quantities, I will not achieve full recovery.

But I am just so mixed up with it all, it’s so hard to kick, and religious ideas don’t talk to me. I don’t want to identify as an Ultra-Orthodox Jew, I wish I could leave it all behind.

As part of the backlash of what I’ve been through, I’ve delved into Jewish history and have read stuff from non-traditional (read: non censored) sources, and I’m scared to death of the path open before me…I see corruption, dysfunction, and abuse and a load of BS in our “system”, and coupled with the experience I had been through, it makes me want to run away from it all!!

If not for my wonderful wife and children, whom I love so much, I probably would have long ago left it all behind for a new life.

I feel trapped in my religious identity, not sure how to find solace and clarity, how to find a steady voice in my head to see through all the BS and serve Hashem as a true servant as I’m sure He wants me to be.

I feel trapped in the loop of feeding the little monster in my brain and I sometimes feel so alone and sad because even ideas, insights, and encouragements make me crazy.

I am sorry for sounding negative and embittered, but I’m just pouring my heart out, and maybe just by writing about it, it will feel better.

In any case, I hope to continue documenting these little ups and downs, and I look forward to continuing to be part of this amazing forum!

just some thoughts i had that seem appropriate here; sometimes we aren't getting the help we need because we know to much. Like (im sure this applies for most people here) we read books/articles/forums about addiction in general porn addiction specifically. And we‘ve researched different ways to quit and tried some of them with varying degrees of success. But we just cant seem to stay clean. 
i realized that i was so confident that i knew all there was to know that i wasn't really ready to listen to anybody else.
big mistake
i finally accepted that i couldn't do this on my own.
i never realized how much people who were actually staying clean knew and were able to share. 
stick around, get in touch with some people and see how much you you can learn. Good luck  

future paltiel wrote on 12 Sep 2023 04:43:

Hi there! I used to struggle with the same thing you've brought up. Kudos to you for bringing to light a challenge that so many people are too afraid to attempt to conquer!

While I don't know of a 12 step program or group for technology addicts (although im sure it exists somewhere out there), I've found legitimate success curbing my phone addiction by doing the following:

1. Deleting Social Media: This includes everything from Instagram to YouTube to Reddit, the works.
2. Minimalist Phone Launcher: The BEST thing I've ever done that aactually curbed my addiction. Here's a link to their website, you should read the full details of what they're offering there. I have an Android phone so I don't know if this works or not for Apple.
3. Dual Whatsapps: I have 2 Whatsapps on my phone. One is normal Whatsapp, one is Business Whatsapp. One I use for friends, family and work, the other I use for statuses and deal chats etc. It allows me to limit my time I spend just scrolling through statuses mindlessly. It also ensures that when I receive a Whatsapp notification, it's actually an important (usually, at least) notification. I Mute and Archive chats ruthlessly!! 

I hope this helps you somehow. I strongly strongly strongly recommend giving Option 2 a shot. It’s been the only thing to truly work for me and others that I know use it. 

Keep it up brother!!!

If you are not up to taking to someone about this, you can try either talking to someone about other things. Just to connect to another person. Shmooze with a friend. They say they opposite of addiction is connection. 

Another thing you can do is write about your feelings,  and you can hare here in writing. It can also help you work through feelings, clarify your thoughts, and see what the great people here respond...

iLoveHashem247 wrote on 19 Sep 2023 12:42:

Beautifully and honestly written. The tone is hopeful and positive as well. You've got it in your hand b'ezras Hashem.

I completely healed from my struggles with M. My posts about my personal history, reaching out to HHM and some criticism from Cordnoy made me heal emotionally as well. I am grateful to everyone who posted on the forum or reached out to me in private messages or in chat. It is through you that I have healed.

I stopped posting on the GYE forum because I got addicted to it. I used the Flight to Freedom program to overcome this addiction and together with my psychologist I overcame the addiction within a few weeks. At some point he ended up saying something that was enough for me to stop cold turkey.

I have a special place in my heart for everyone on GYE. I shed tears for all of us on the first day of Rosh Hashanah when we daven for Ruchniyus. I really care about everyone on GYE and I am thinking about you. I am considering keeping chat open for short intervals a few times a week so I can help others but as of now I am still unsure whether it is wise for me to do so. I will be discussing it with my psychologist.

I bless everyone on GYE that Hashem should grant you all freedom and that everyone should have a gmar chasima tova and a gut gebentched sweet year. All the best.

iLoveHashem247 wrote on 19 Sep 2023 12:42:

Every once in a blue moon i read your thread again. 
Youre growth is beyond an inspiration.
KUTGW!

Shana Tova 

got a new sponsor, frum guy lives in my neighborhood. 

RH was very meaningful, and focused on praying for success in overcoming daily challenges. 

was by family and didn’t drink or drug. Didn’t M and didn’t seek out P on the unfiltered devices. Didn’t even have an idea to do so. BH! 

finding that family time can be enjoyable without escaping! 

looking forward to a year with continued growth. 

one important note is that last year was one of the years with some of the most trauma and suffering I’ve had. Physical injuries. Emotional traumas. Blackmail attempts and false accusations made about me. Addictions creeping up on me. 

and I tackled them all head on. Some, by ignoring them (ex. Narcissists trying to trigger me and ensnare me into saying/texting negative things about other people) and others by being honest with myself and reaching out for help from those more experienced than me (ex. Addictions). 

BUT because of the mentors I have made use of to find my way through the challenges, it’s been a year of tremendous growth. Reflecting back on the past year I feel grateful and content. 

it’s not in spite of the challenges but because of them that I was able to grow and change for the better 

i am human and I’ll struggle till the day I die, but if I am complacent and don’t fight the good fight then that final day will be pushed earlier and earlier. 

I still stumble. I clicked a few clickbait’s too many yesterday but I moved on. Someone tried to trick me into incriminating myself yesterday. I played dumb. 

when I play the victim, only I am the loser. and the only way I’m a loser is if I act like one. 

I'm here to win. 

Thanks for reading and letting me share. 

I have struggled with issues of p and m for many years and bh I have made some small strides on my own, but today I found myself struggling more than usual and decided to check out gye I have been blown away by the fact that I can now share a struggle that I have had for years with other people who are going through the same thing. it really gives me hope that I can make the leap to a full recovery of this addiction. lets keep the chizuk going

shmira1234 wrote on 18 Sep 2023 21:32:

Oish. Been there done that. You have come to the right place. We have all been were you have been. The end -all this is it, or right after Y"K, after the strongest kabbalos, or any type of this is it moment you can imagine! For some there have been a hundred! Its normal, and you are not bad or a failure. You are definitely not risk of having your ben Torah status revoked. Great decision to reach out and keep on posting!

Hi. I'm very serious about maintaining my Ben Torah status, and in all other areas of life (limud, midos, etc.) I BH have done a pretty good job at doing so, but the area of shmiras habris is the one thing that I can't get rid of no matter how hard I try and it breaks my heart that I can't get past this seeming addiction. I have had some solid streaks of cleanliness, and during those times I feel so much closer to Hashem and feel so much less guilty learning Torah, and during those times I'm extremely careful about shmiras Ha'einayim, etc. However, at a certain point, unfortunately so far the streaks have all come to an end, either as a result of a stam major taiva that I succumb to, or just random boredom that suddenly results in me having committed such a horrible sin. I'm not sure if it's an actual addiction, given that it can be very infrequent (though when I started out about 4 years ago it was much more consistent, BH this year I've made major strides in streaks), but whatever it is I just can't get past it. Nobody in the world has any idea about this problem, and I really don't want to tell anyone, but I'm thinking I might have to, though I'm not sure who to turn to about this. Also, one of the biggest issues is my mother's ipad has unfiltered access and I unfortunately have asked her the code before, and she's not going to get a filter on it. I'm not home so much (learning in yeshiva), and at those point, when I don't ahve access to the unfiltered ipad, it's certainly better, But what seems to be the biggest problem is even if I don't have access to such high level pritzus, there seems to be a constant desire to be מוציא זרע לבטלה, so whatever I have access to at these times of נפילה would be unfortunately sufficient (though, of course, the greater the access, the more likely it is and the more ideas pop into my mind). Whatever it is, I can't seem to shake this, and I made a commitment to myself that I would need at least 30 clean days before starting out in Shidduchim (which I know, for a committed boy who has struggled with this in the past and pushes past it, is a great "solution" to the problem), which I would like to start the process in ASAP. I had an 11 day streak going, Rosh Hashana included. I had an incredible Rosh Hashana davening experience and I think I was really מתעורר בתשובה about this topic and made serious commitments and בקשות to Hashem to save me from this נסיון, and I thought it was looking good from there, especially given that I had also made the 30 day resolution for shidduchim before Rosh Hashana, and all the momentum was pointing in the right direction. However, today, sitting and learning on Tzom Gedalia, I became really tired and unable to focus, and all I could think of was my curiosity for this particular challenge, and I remembered my mother's ipad. I kept trying to tell myself it wasn't happenign adn make it clear to myself that this is not a thing for a Ben Torah to do anytime, and especially on Tzom Gedalia right after Rosh Hashana. But, רחמנא ליצלן, towards the late afternoon one thing lead to another and before you know it, I was back in the same place I was almost 12 days ago, feeling lower than ever. I just wanted to share this situation to spread awareness of this issue and to seek advice on how I could get past this, as this is clearly a time of reformation and תשובה. If anyone has any recommendations, advice, opportunities or tefillos I would appreciate anything, and I'm very grateful to this community for helping struggling people with this extraordinarily complicated issue. Shkoyach

ainshumyeiush wrote on 15 Sep 2023 07:18:

Amazing! Your on the right track, keep posting (even if C"V there are times that arent as amazing...). May your return home be a return Home!