Congratulations on hitting this huge milestone.
It seems like you had a tough journey so far, and it’s amazing that you’re standing were you are. Being able to pull through is not always easy and you seem to be doing a great job.
It also seems like your true wish is to be able to connect better with yiddishkeit, but the trauma of the past is holding you back, and making it hard for you to do so, as there is a constant resistance.
I feel like I can relate to many of your points and allow me to address some of my thoughts on them.
“I started watching movies, and saw hundreds of them…”
Regarding movies, yes, it’s something I can relate to and yes, it’s something I’ve also had to work on a lot over the past couple of years. B”H, my perspective has massively changed on movies and the taivah for watching has massively decreased. And with that a lot of the taivah for inappropriate material as well. That is not to say I never watch, but it happens much more rarely.
“I also started browsing YouTube as a mindless escape, and very often a clip of inappropriately dressed women pops in and I just watch it without feeling too guilty about it.”
Ah yes, recognize the pattern: brain numbing, too painful to care.
“From a religious point, I understand that this is against the Torah, but I have no strength to care. I am close to Hashem, I talk to Him every day, and I feel that Hashem understands my struggles, my exposure, the sexual abuse and religious abuse that I have been through, and that He loves me unconditionally.”
He absolutely does love you unconditionally and he definitely understands you. But I feel , at least for me, when I use that reasoning, that it holds me back from growth. The problem is that because of the resistance to religion, growing becomes so heavy that the natural reaction to it, is to shy away from growth. It’s important to be aware of this resistance and find a way, not to fight it, but to work through it.
“But from an addiction standpoint, If I truly want to “clean up”, I know I can’t be staring at shiksas/tic toc dances etc.
And I’m not even talking about the frum woman aspect, which I’m sure many people can relate to, I fall a lot with peeking glances at hot frum women and of course I should not be doing that, it’s feeding the beast!”
Yes, it’s true. But, I’m truly a believer in appreciating the small wins and just trying to get as many small wins as possible. Small things add up to big things.
“I know that addiction to porn and masturbation is like addiction to a drug, dopamine. I know that if I continue “feeding the drug”, even in small quantities, I will not achieve full recovery.”
True, we must change our actions. And we must also change our perspectives. I know that motivation can be sparse at times especially when everything feels so heavy.
But I am just so mixed up with it all, it’s so hard to kick, and religious ideas don’t talk to me. I don’t want to identify as an Ultra-Orthodox Jew, I wish I could leave it all behind.
I know, it can be hard sometimes, when the outside world seems so enticing. Many times I also have the taivah to dress differently and have the freedom that doesn’t come with orthodox lifestyle. What I find helps for me, is to play out this story till the end. Ok so let’s say I wear that and that. And let’s say that I do that and that. Now what. Do I feel better? Does it make me feel any different? From my experience of having given in to this ‘monster’ at times, the answer is no. It’s like a feeling of “That’s it? Like, I thought there would be more to it?”. Perhaps the first second is a nice feeling of freedom, but tachlis this specific action doesn’t provide any sustenance.
“As part of the backlash of what I’ve been through, I’ve delved into Jewish history and have read stuff from non-traditional (read: non censored) sources, and I’m scared to death of the path open before me…I see corruption, dysfunction, and abuse and a load of BS in our “system”, and coupled with the experience I had been through, it makes me want to run away from it all!!”
No ’system’ or ‘framework’ is perfect and you’ll always find reasons to fault a framework. But I believe it’s better to be inside a ‘broken’ framework (I’m not talking about extreme cases of abuse), than to have no framework at all. People naturally crave a system, and it’s healthy to be in a framework.
“I feel trapped in my religious identity, not sure how to find solace and clarity, how to find a steady voice in my head to see through all the BS and serve Hashem as a true servant as I’m sure He wants me to be.
I feel trapped in the loop of feeding the little monster in my brain and I sometimes feel so alone and sad because even ideas, insights, and encouragements make me crazy.”
I know, and it's so painful and hard. And especially because you want to move upwards and yet there is part of you that just doesn't want it. It's like, "stop fighting me so hard". Perhaps a suggestion would be to find something really light and enjoyable to help you reconnect. I don't know if this talks to you at all. It's merely a suggestion for finding an entry point to reconnect.
“In any case, I hope to continue documenting these little ups and downs, and I look forward to continuing to be part of this amazing forum!”
Looking forward to reading more about your journey and really wishing you an amazing new year with lots of inner peace and joy.
Yours truly,
AM
