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02 Nov 2023 20:57
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chancy
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Hey everyone, I was privileged to get unto a zoom call today with one of the people working behind the scenes at GYE, i was blown away by the numbers! Both the amount of active users that are coming on to this site every day and even more by the amount of people they could be reaching that need their help! There are so many more people that need to be reached, so many Rabanim that need to be educated, so many therapists that need to be informed about GYE! So many lives are being ruined by not knowing about this site.
So I decided to raise a bit of awareness. Nobody asked me to, im not involved there at all, i wish i was but mi not, I just care alot about this and im sure lots of people here feel the same way. So here goes my Shpiel.
As members of this incredible community- Guard Your Eyes (GYE) we know what their mission statement is, to help frum yiden fight against the torrent of shmutz that the YH is throwing at us. The work that GYE does is incredibly important, and it plays a vital role in helping people lead healthier, happier lives. From providing counseling and support to those struggling with addiction, to offering resources and guidance for parents, educators, and community leaders, GYE is making a real difference in the world. But here's the thing - GYE can't do it alone. They need our help. They need us to show that we care about the work they are doing, and that we recognize just how important it is. So today, I'm asking you to join me in supporting GYE. Whether it's through a donation (no matter how small), volunteering your time, or simply spreading the word about their work, every little bit helps. Let's show GYE that we care - not just about their organization, but about the countless lives they are saving and improving every single day. Together, we can make a difference.
We need to come up with a plan to make sure GYE stays afloat and has a steady flow on income. There are so many people on here, even if only a small percent gives a few dollars a month it will be lifesaving!
Sincerely
Chancy
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02 Nov 2023 16:11
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redfaced
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HeChochma wrote on 02 Nov 2023 03:14:
crispy wrote on 27 Oct 2023 17:33:
right! so true! i'd love to. but what should i post about at times when I don't have anything specific to share?
Hey! We haven't heard an update in a few days after that beautiful connection to Hashem - so I'm guessing that perhaps it's calm seas again.
I also struggle with what to post on days when I don't have anything seemingly post-worthy to share.
I have two suggestions that I have found help me:
First, you can join us in reading two pages a day of The Battle of the Generation - it's thought-provoking and there's often interesting ideas and perspectives that you can write about in your thread.
Besides for having what to write about, the book is a tremendous help in having a positive outlook on yourself despite your falls and to really appreciate how incredible your progress is in this area.
The thread for the two pages a day started the book last week, you can find it here:
guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/396412-Daily-Dose-of-The-Battle-of-the-Generation?limit=15&start=165
Second, I would suggest writing in on the forum on someone else's thread to be mechazek them. We are all in this together!
Being mechazek others by being nosei b'ol and sharing your own experience is a tremendous help for the person who you reached out to.
Additionally, it is a huge help for yourself - connection is the antithesis of addiction - by connecting to others you are arming yourself against the powerful waves that are up ahead.
I'm actually in the same boat as you on my sixth clean day trying to stay connected here even though I don't have that much to write about - so I figured "Hey! Let me write something to crispy - he's a good guy!"
Hope those ideas help!!!
Just to add a point to what you said so beautifully, when you are giving chizuk to someone else more than just the connection you are also saying things that you should be listening to yourself. At least for myself I know that it has happened more than once that something was bothering me very much , And yet I was still able to give chizuk to other people that were in the same situation. Kinda a blind spot towards giving chizuk to yourself.
The more you give give chizuk to others you reinforce proper attitudes in your own head
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02 Nov 2023 13:54
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chancy
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ainshumyeiush wrote on 02 Nov 2023 05:01:
I need to write down some thoughts over here so i can clarify and solidify them. And so that i can come back and read them again when i need them.
at this point in life, there's no mashgiach coming to check what phone anybody has. So now many of my friends are ditching their dumb phones in favor of using their ‘bein hazmanim‘ smartphone full time. Or they have a smartphone that they keep in the dorm or at home that they use when they need. And there are real needs, Waze, email, banking etc. I assume that everything is fully filtered. This is the stage in life when we can start using technology responsibly so why not have it accessible, right?
so why don't i get a smartphone? Of course i‘ll get it filtered and only have things that are essential on it. What could go wrong?
but i realize that im different. I have been exposed to porn and enjoyed it. I have developed a taste for social media. I enjoy the connection the internet has to offer. i cant go half way. If i have a device that's built for internet use, i will use it for internet. The more the phone has on it, the more loopholes there are. And i cant afford that. I know that just getting rid of technology is not my solution [and i don't think i can post on gye by pigeon mail] but i cant just walk around with a ticking time bomb in my pocket.
so while i might be feeling left out, and i might be bored more often, and there are inconveniences, and there are times that i feel like someone who landed from the moon when i take out my phone in public, i must stay strong and stay with the dumb phone. Im past the stage where i think that the whole issue with technology is that its "goyish" and must be avoided because of that. I learned the hard way that its lethal.
You are 100% correct!
Thats exactly what i tell people, there are some guys that can have a smartphone, (maybe) but not us.
We who have been exposed and addicted and we wanna win this battle, we cant afford this.
Life can be lived fully (i believe even fuller) without a smartphone.
I got rid of mine and my wifes. we got the Qin F30 phone its a great cool looking phone that only has email, waze uber and thats it.
If course it need to be filtered but its a great phone.
Now I have pity on people with SP, they are just not here, not present ever. Its mamesh a rachmunes most of their life will be spent looking at a screen....... its insane.
Stay strong, you got this!
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02 Nov 2023 03:14
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HeChochma
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crispy wrote on 27 Oct 2023 17:33:
right! so true! i'd love to. but what should i post about at times when I don't have anything specific to share?
Hey! We haven't heard an update in a few days after that beautiful connection to Hashem - so I'm guessing that perhaps it's calm seas again.
I also struggle with what to post on days when I don't have anything seemingly post-worthy to share.
I have two suggestions that I have found help me:
First, you can join us in reading two pages a day of The Battle of the Generation - it's thought-provoking and there's often interesting ideas and perspectives that you can write about in your thread.
Besides for having what to write about, the book is a tremendous help in having a positive outlook on yourself despite your falls and to really appreciate how incredible your progress is in this area.
The thread for the two pages a day started the book last week, you can find it here:
guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/396412-Daily-Dose-of-The-Battle-of-the-Generation?limit=15&start=165
Second, I would suggest writing in on the forum on someone else's thread to be mechazek them. We are all in this together!
Being mechazek others by being nosei b'ol and sharing your own experience is a tremendous help for the person who you reached out to.
Additionally, it is a huge help for yourself - connection is the antithesis of addiction - by connecting to others you are arming yourself against the powerful waves that are up ahead.
I'm actually in the same boat as you on my sixth clean day trying to stay connected here even though I don't have that much to write about - so I figured "Hey! Let me write something to crispy - he's a good guy!"
Hope those ideas help!!!
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01 Nov 2023 21:24
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5Uu80*cdwB#^
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Day 782:
I've been experiencing some negative emotions over the past two weeks. I think chief among them is frustration. Frustration is such a toxic emotion. I'm trying to stay positive but of course it's an avodah.
Hashem, please help me to make it through these turbulent waters. I feel like a small boat in a big sea. Hashem, please help me to see that You are guiding me every step of the way. Help me to not turn to addiction. Help me to turn to You alone.
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30 Oct 2023 18:06
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HeChochma
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@Eyes - thanks for the push - officially on the boat with Mori V'Rabi Hashem Help Me. Here's to day 5.
@Chaim - Thank you for the deep insight on the power of connection. As an addict I can't ignore the disaster of disconnection. I see how people here on GYE pursue connection with unabashed courage, indefatigable persistence and true dedication. It's strange to me how stark of a contrast it is to the world that I live in, a world with so little focus and infinitely less time for connection. Everyone runs about their own lives, in their own little world, and we get together for tachlisdike purposes but how many people are carrying one another's burden, feeling and knowing each other's struggles (even in other less sensitive areas).
@Frank.Lee - Thank you, it's good to hear that - I watched my father quit smoking at 36, it was tough, but he was so happy to be rid of it. I know that the sex drive is not something to be rid of, but living without the "addiction" part of it does sound great!
@Hashem Help Me - Thanks for picking me up :-)
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30 Oct 2023 05:26
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frank.lee
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Yes, it is so much better. From experience.
Imagine the difference between being addicted or free to smoking. Either always busy and pressured to get the next hit, or being clear-headed and able to live life and having zero interest in smoking. I
t's a different world and you will get there. It "just" takes some will and hard work.
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29 Oct 2023 23:32
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true_self
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HeChochma wrote on 26 Oct 2023 18:21:
Sorry to get off the track of the Vayimaen issue - not sure I have what to say about that one - But this is my first time reading this thread and I just wanted to share with you True_Self that reading your plan I am inspired by your incredible, persistent and ruthless pursuit of connection in the face of the struggle of addiction (TYPE BEHAVIOUR PATTERN).
Informing two friends of tough times, another one for daily check in, a third random friend to chat and then finally your wife - what a lineup!!!
Not only that - I'm blown away that you held on to that even when you weren't getting through. For me, when I can't get through it's right off the cliff. (TOOK ME TIME TO WORK ON THIS, YOU WILL GET THERE TOO ONE DAY!)
Just pretty amazing stuff! And you've come back from the brink quite a few times too - I'm tempted to pick up the phone and break my fear of reaching out because of you. THIS IS ONE TEMPTATION YOU SHOULD GIVE INTO!
Chazak V'ematz and thank you m'umka d'liba
Thanks, my pleasure. I appreciate you kind words, posts like these help me shed a positive light on myself and realize how truly amazing I am. (Something needed in order to continue my battle against my YH).
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29 Oct 2023 18:57
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HeChochma
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Thank you, Hashem Help Me. I appreciate the honesty of that response.
It's important for me to know this as I try to make headway here - because part of my last few falls was due to the tough discovery that alternate ways of dealing with stress are not "zila leh, pritza leh, nicha leh" - cheap, easy and fast - the way porn and masturbation are. But they also don't ruin your life, jeopardize your self-esteem and olam haba, lower the quality of your relationships, and lead to addiction.
So... I guess it's worth it to be clean.
It's just hard for me to hold on to that rock-bottom attitude of how horrible it is to be at a fall when all you want is a little one time escape at a particularly stressful time after a few weeks of being clean. Like, let a guy live a little, I'm just trying to make it through the day!
I have to work on keeping in mind that it doesn't work like that and that little slip is just the beginning of a long and miserable fall. AND I have to hold in mind EMUNA that I can survive without porn and masturbation.
I can. I will not die. I will not go crazy. I will not implode. I just need to express my pent up negative energy in another way - talking, writing, exercising - and I will slowly come down from all of the tension.
It's really emuna for me as I have never survived without this in all of my life as a thinking human (since 6). So hearing that life is good without porn and masturbation again and again is really helpful for me.
Day 3 - Almost back up to a grand four day streak here, and that masturbation hasn't led to worse things, bh.
Thank you everyone for your help.
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29 Oct 2023 16:45
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Markz
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ainshumyeiush wrote on 29 Oct 2023 04:36:
Gye-anon or guard your eyes anonymous or ga is a 12 step program for people struggling with compulsive gye use and gye addiction.
Which is under the parent company of Porn-on-andon
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29 Oct 2023 04:36
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ainshumyeiush
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Gye-anon or guard your eyes anonymous or ga is a 12 step program for people struggling with compulsive gye use and gye addiction.
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29 Oct 2023 01:54
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HeChochma
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chaimoigen wrote on 27 Oct 2023 13:01:
HeChochma wrote on 26 Oct 2023 23:46:
Does it actually get easier to live without porn and masturbation at some point? This stuff is my sleeping aid, my anti-stress medication, my antidote to boredom, my escape from loneliness - how do I live without it?
It does. With time, patience, hard work, and Siyata Dishmaya. Give yourself a hug, you're on your way.
Realizing that you are using pornography and masturbation to avoid loneliness and stress is an incredibly important awareness. You know that it's not that you want it for what it is, it's that you're using it as a means to an end, to numb the agony that sometimes is living. Do they work that effectively? Are there other, better ways? If you could tap into other, perhaps better ways, would you have the same question?
Here's a warm hand,
Chaim Oigen
Thank you for the chizuk! It definitely took me a few years of work before I was able to get a clear picture of how I use masturbation and pornography to avoid difficult feelings. I always knew it theoretically - but I am able to actually see it in real time now.
As for "other better ways" of coping - theoretically, I'm all in. But I've never had the experience of anything working consistently to deal with, stress, loneliness, sleeplessness, anger, fear etc.
Reaching out to people is something I'm trying now, but people aren't always available and they don't always have the presence of mind to listen - altho the guys here are exceptional, I must say.
I'm really just worried as I start this journey with a level of maturity I never had before - Am I always going to be "substituting" for my addiction with knock-offs, trying something to relieve my difficulty and wishing I could have my little crutch back?
What is the healthy way to deal with all of these things?
I don't mean to ask for advice I mean to ask for experience. As my therapist says "All the advice given in the world isn't worth one experience shared." Which is why I'm asking the oilam here - you guys have experience with this - to the exclusion of anyone else I know.
What is the experience like of not having your addiction? What is in its place? How does it feel to have the new comfort instead of the old comfort? Does it sometimes not work? Is that upsetting? How do you deal with that?
Thanks guys for all the help, you really are incredible!!!
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27 Oct 2023 14:17
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davidt
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HeChochma wrote on 26 Oct 2023 23:46:
After my truly *sarcasm* monumental */sarcasm* four day streak I fell again this afternoon - but not yet all the way down. Just masturbated and looked at semi pictures, no porn.
Coming out to do what I didn't do last time and get on here and say that I fell. And I hope that I will get back up and keep on coming, even tho I'm honestly a bit discouraged.
Does it actually get easier to live without porn and masturbation at some point? This stuff is my sleeping aid, my anti-stress medication, my antidote to boredom, my escape from loneliness - how do I live without it?
Someone who is addicted to lust lives in a perpetual cycle, that alternates between three basic states. 1) Void: A feeling of a deep void of "I need, need need". Not a very happy state, to say the least. 2) Giving in: Letting go to "supposedly" fill the void. 3) Depression: A deep inner depression for feeling powerless to break free of this viscous cycle, of living a double life and living against one's own's beliefs and standards... These feelings lead to another void, and so, back to state 1. What a sad and pathetic existence such a man lives. You need to know, it is possible to break free! It may take some mental and spiritual surgery, but it is well worth it. We have to be willing to let G-d take it away from us, as we pray " Mal es livaveinu le'ahavah uleyira es shimecha" - "circumcise our hearts to love and fear you". Sometimes these things have become deeply ingrained in our sub-conscious. We need to give it up and let G-d take away this aspect of our lives that is destroying us from within. And if you make the journey and break free, not only have you earned your place in the world to come, but in this world too, none of the three depressing states that we mentioned above will remain with you. Life will suddenly take on new meaning and happiness.
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27 Oct 2023 04:27
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Hashem Help Me
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I think many guys here get addicted temporarily to the forums. They are excited to finally be able to get this stuff off their chests and be mechazek themselves by seeing other people's struggles and resolutions. Reading old threads help rewire the brain while also reinforcing that this is a global problem and many nice guys struggle(d) with it. There is a thrill to see your post responded to and to receive "thank you's". Eventually most guys calm down and spend much more limited time on GYE. Hatzlocha to all GYE "addicts".
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26 Oct 2023 18:48
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connected
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chancy wrote on 26 Oct 2023 18:10:
Dear connected, tell me something and be honest.
If you had to choose between the two which one would you choose?
1. Th freedom to look at porn and masturbate wherever and whenever you choose, without any consequence whatsoever?
2. The freedom never to be pulled or interested in any sexual activity?
Of course there is a healthy middle ground, but that is a very tight rope for many of us.
I would 1,000 choose option 2. I have thought about this at length. Im as serious as a heart attack. I am willing to forgo any sexual pleasure for the rest of my life if i can be free of this addiction. If there would be a pill i would take it. So even when im in the throws of a lust attack, i know for sure that i would rather not have this at all and that makes it somewhat easier.
You told me to be honest, so I'll assume you were honest when you said you'd choose the latter.
I'd choose the former, and honestly, I don't understand your reasoning.
If it's without any consequence whatsoever, as you stated, then there is no problem of addiction. You'd never be caught in a "lust attack." It'll just be an enjoyable thing that you have unlimited access to. Kinda like breathwork (for those who enjoy it).
We probably differ on the definition of "no consequence whatsoever."
Also, I'm in the process of learning how to express and enjoy my sexuality with my wife, another reason why #2 is out.
In any case, this is all hypothetical and philosophization, at least for me.
Hashem gave me sexuality, and before I knew what it was, I twisted and perverted it - I'm not blaming myself or anyone else. Now, it's up to me to set myself straight. True, it's hard. Sometimes, I slip; other times, I jump intentionally. But this is what it is.
I hope never to lose my sexual desire.
If you're adamant about choosing #2, there are medical ways to get there.
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