That is incredible. The pain that you must have been in. If you replace the word "porn for "drugs", your story would have sounded like the typical drug addict on the street.  I can picture walking down the steps to the Hotel after a night of filth. It must have been awful. 

Maybe I will write my version of my "worst" times to document it and to look back and reflect on at some point. Unfortunately , my story is still being written. 

Amazing Post! You should be very proud of yourself. I sure am proud of you!

siyatta wrote on 25 Dec 2023 21:28:

What makes you think your an addict ?
Plenty of people have the struggle without clinical addiction
No-one here was ever able to last a week (are you crazy - a full week with no porn ?!?!?!?) until they did . 
And you can to! 
And BTW its the fellowship and the accountability of some real awesome dudes here that did it for lots of great GYE's here.

Shmuel wrote on 25 Dec 2023 22:50:

Shmuel was your account hacked?

That comment is not typical of you. The correct response would have been your tag line. 

“Philosophizing beats doing any day" 

siyatta wrote on 25 Dec 2023 21:28:

From my experience and from seeing others in the SA. The program works if you work it. Fellowship by itself doesn't seem to do it for addict's 

I've been trying to stop forever but it never lasted very long. It's almost like it's easy to maisiach daas from the problem when there is no urge but the minute the urge comes back it's c'maat impossible to withstand and then comes the guilt and everything that comes with the failure.
I'm trying to finish with this machala once and for all and I'm hoping that having a support system is part of the solution. I've read a bit about 12 step programs and I hear that they're very effective (at least for alcohol addiction) but I don't know if all the steps are necessary or if the ikar is just having the support of others and feeling like I'm not alone in this. My goal is to do one of these streaks but it seems unreasonable if i can't go a week.

cordnoy wrote on 25 Dec 2023 17:37:

Ohr Hachayim (Acharei Mos, 18:2)
It is known that all the Mitzvos that Hashem commanded his holy nation are Mitzvos that a man can stand by and cause himself a desire to do, besides for the Mitzva of staying away from arayos  which is something that a person craves and his desires forces him to act, unless one makes an effort to stay far away from two things: (1) Seeing with the eyes, (2) Thinking about it. However, if a person does not keep away from these two aspects (sight and thought), a man will not be able to control himself and rid himself of it.

davidt wrote on 25 Dec 2023 14:20:

There's always free choice.

GuiltyYid wrote on 25 Dec 2023 00:10:

You are right. Trying to 'be good' by sheer willpower doesn't always work. Once the lust hits and your body is affected by it, it is an almost forgone conclusion that there will be trouble. The buttons that needed to be pushed were available before that slide started, and the struggle is to gain the awareness and take action before you start sliding.

What might work? Something completely counter intuitive. Rather then will power, it's just the opposite; saying, "Hashem, I can't do this! I'm sorry, but I've messed myself up so badly that I can't get past this by myself. I need You to carry me, to do it for me. I am powerless in the face of this yetzar hara. Please help me."

Powerless doesn't mean you are not responsible for your recovery. All that powerless means is that you can't do anything about the addiction itself, like someone who has diabetes can't do anything about that fact. But they can and must take their insulin, and you CAN and MUST do everything that is in your power to allow HASHEM into your life so that HE will do for you what you can't do for yourself.

cordnoy wrote on 25 Dec 2023 05:58:

Many people fell into this struggle not with their own free choice (either by abuse or at a young age) and once they realized that it's bad they were already what we call 'addicted'. 

But, even if a person puts himself in a challenging situation, or even if he strengthens his lusts by constantly giving in and now faces overwhelming battles, he still receives the same reward for struggling to overcome his desires as if it had not been his fault. Although bringing the struggle upon himself adds to the gravity of his earlier mistakes, it does not take away from the greatness of his accomplishments. 

The Rambam (Hilchos Teshuva 7:4) explains that by sinning, ba’alei teshuva activated their desires and became more susceptible to the pull of sin. Their desires are many times stronger than those of a person who never sinned. For them to win their battles, they must exert much more effort.

People who have gotten caught up in the web of desire face extremely difficult battles. Seemingly innocuous situations awaken their desires, and suddenly they feel, “I want it! I need it! I can’t live without it!” The intensity cannot be fathomed by one who has never faced such desires. It takes much more strength for the ba’alei teshuva to win, and that’s why they are higher than those who never sinned.

Hi everyone, I’m back after a few crazy days, I got sick a day after my wife left and I was left taking care of myself and my baby mostly alone, I couldn’t sleep at night (still can’t). BH my wife is back and things are getting better (though it looks like my baby caught it from me), I felt very lonely without my wife and without GYE.

I wrote this post before and throughout the past few days but didn’t have access to post it.

I've been through alot in the past 2 weeks, BH got back on track Sunday (last week). There's alot to discover and to work on and it's kind of confusing and overwhelming. I hope that with writing things down on paper (screen) things will be clarified, so here goes...

Okay... so Chanukah was very isolating. Partying with people that I feel they live in a complete different world of mine (better said, I live in a different world of theirs) made me feel very lonely and disconnected causing me to turn to my favourite comforting tool named 'lust', that making me feel even more isolated.... and so, the vicious cycle increased it’s speed and intensity. Still not sure what's first, chicken or egg.... I reached out to fellow gye'yers and it helped me connect, but  only to my secret world/life, so it took me even further away from reality (my fault). I learnt that, sometimes it's time to forget about my struggle/recovery and just be present. Perhaps it's upon the most important parts of recovery from lust which thrives from living in secrecy.

I also rediscovered that there's a void I'm trying to fill with lust. The void is fed from not living up to the צלם אלוקים part of me, and of course Chanukah (as well as RC, Shabbos, YT etc.) makes me feel the yearning of my צלם אלוקים starving to be filled and so the void deepens. The less I feed it the greater the void becomes and the stronger the urge to fill the beast inside of me becomes, to a point where it’s impossible for me to control it.
Anyway... previously when I didn't manage to unhook my mind from lust, a schmooze with a friend or two would do the job, this time however it didn't work. I spoke to a friend and he made me feel confident that I can be stronger than my desires, but the second I faced temptation it all flew outta window. This makes me believe that it's not the YH that's being me machshil,  it's that I became addicted to lust! My brain can not function without it, and when I reject it with force my brain gets mad so it doesn't last long. If I am to stay in this battle all I can expect is failure. My animalistic being is selfish and egoistic, it doesn’t care if my spirituality suffers in pain and guilt, nor if it causes my dearest wife who sacrifices her life for me to suffer in unimaginable pain, it is blinded to ‘lust’ and by that it sadly  functions.

I spoke to a friend that knows me very well and has guided me alot throughout this journey and he suggested that I join SA meetings. So I asked a friend that attended SA meetings about it and discussed it with my therapist. Will see where it gets.
Sunday, talking with my therapist he claimed that my motivation is low, I agreed and my post about hitting rock bottom indicated that, so he gave me some homework. I hope to post it soon when it’s done.

Resentment with the way my wife dresses hit me again very strongly, the way I need to deal with it is by giving up my control that I don't have anyway and to accept and respect her as a person. She's not my 'model' 'doll' etc., she's my wife! (With all that follows).
After schmoozing with BennyH I realized how the way my wife dresses expresses nothing personal that she feels towards me, rather reflecting and expressing her mood. This realization should help me not become so disappointed when she asks me what to wear and then rejects my suggestion.
The battle of yes/not looking at every (non)pretty  woman I pass is energy consuming, and nowadays energy is expensive. In the past I was introduced to the tool of accepting then exposing the desire/thought, it actually helped slightly but 90% of the time it didn't enter my mind. After a long assessment with my case manager, he made me aware how I might be the punching bag of my life, so he taught me how to become a listener instead. When I walk on the street and encounter a gorgeous woman  there's a compelling voice inside of me telling me 'oh wow! Look at her, you don't wanna miss out on this...' I can't silence the voice but I don't need to take it as an attack on me, I can simply listen to the debating thoughts taking place in my mind. I've just started implementing this method and so far it works quite well. The second I identify the voice and start listening to what it says the temptation kind of leaves me, and the most important, it doesn't suck out my energy. as long as it proves itself to work for me I'll keep holding onto it. will see if it will help when the next hurricane hits.

It's getting late and my wife needs me so I’ll leave the rest for another time.

Thanks eerie, heeling, bennyH, steveblum, chaimoigen, Yiftach and hechochme for giving me from your time, I can’t imagine myself doing this without all of you.

Gut voch!
All the best.
True self

@foolie Very true, considering that technology is the opiate of the masses, and porn is essentially the most potent form of it. But the people who actually think is what i think iyh2023 is asking about. Ftnd is very good in the fact that they aren't a religious organization, so none of the good old fashion "eternal damnation" stuff. But yes the mindless masses who are forever destined to wallow in pixels don't count in this regard. And if you want information about technology addiction (not just porn) there's a book called "irresistible" about it. I forgot the name of the author

Hello everyone. I hope you’re doing well. During the course of my life. I have tried to break free from the addiction but I failed at it. Over and over and over again. I had the longest streak 2 years ago but everything fell apart & I’m hitting the rock bottom once again. I don’t know what to do 

Day 3:
Thanks for the chizuk R' Chaim!

Bh, I had a wonderful day thanks in part to an earlier bedtime, as well as the wonderful shmooze I had with True Self and another wonderful Yid from GYE.
But thanks in full to Hashem.

I mentioned to you R' Chaim one time that R' Yisrael says that the most intense desire that a person has is to live. R' Noach Weinberg added in that vein that one of the most intense pleasures that a person has is the pleasure of being alive. People will do anything to avoid being unfeeling - just to feel, to feel anything. There are fear junkies, emos, drug addicts (depending which drugs) etc (including us).

But the truth is that when you have a good clean day - you feel the simple pleasure of being alive. It's striking. It's exhilirating. Being alive is an intense experience of excitement - unless it's so overwhelmingly flooded with unchecked emotions, lust, and guilt.

Feeling that life is incredible. I don't feel it often - but to me the feeling of chasing lust doesn't hold a candle to the feeling of actually feeling life. Sometimes the truth shines like a bolt of lightning - perhaps the moment after it will be dark again, but I hope to capture a bit of that אור הגנוז that shines through the לו נרות right here tonight.

A lechtegen Chanuka and a gitten kvittel!!!

joejew1234 wrote on 13 Dec 2023 19:19:

In addition you can also daven at the end of shemoneh esrei with your own words, it's the most helpful for me.

Beautiful message thank you!
Super interesting point re: R Shteinman!  Refa'enu is there place to daven because he's saying it's more of a sickness than a regular avera we'd ask forgiveness for?
Thanks for your thoughts