Dear Rabbi Shem, 

I admire your energy to write such deep and insightful posts over and over. Its amazing! Please stick around and keep trucking. 

I want to talk about your question regarding procrastination. 
I cant talk for everyone, I can only share my experience which is pretty extensive...............

Everyone has uncomfortable things in his life, some stuff that we dont want to deal with, its too hard, too boring, too painful, etc. 
However, most healthy adults will deal with it anyways because thats life, you deal with crap. 
Some people however, find it EXTREMLY hard to do that, either because of past trauma, or because of there brain chemistry, ADHD and so on. 
Those people will seek to escape those problematic things in life by whatever means necessary. Drinking, gambling, binge watching, porn, sex, everything that will numb that uncomfortable feeling for a bit, its easier to numb the pain then having to go thru surgery. 

Others, especially people with ADHD have a chronic lack of dopamine and norepinephrine neurotransmitters. That makes the body crave it more then the regular person. And once they try out one of the drugs mentioned above, the body gets used to it and now wants it even more. Thats why ADHD people are more prone to be addicts. 

Anyhow, i cant tell you whats going on in your brain, But one thing you must make clear to your self, When you say your ideal day would include porn and arousal, thats just your body craving its dopamine and norepinephrine! If you can get it from a healthy source, you wouldn't NEED the bad stuff!
Regular exercise is just as good a source of dopamine and norepinephrine as sex! Try it! So keep that in mind. 

Love
Chancy

Welcome to the GYE family!

Here you will find warmth, acceptance, and the tools necessary to break free.
Many here are fond of saying the connection is one of the primary antidotes against addiction.

If you're brave and daring, consider reaching out to HHM - Hashem Help Me - the mentor-in-chief of the site. He has helped hundreds break free, present company included. He is reachable at michelgelner@gmail.com

If you're not up for that yet, that's fine. Take your time.
In the meantime, read around, and when you are ready to share more, we'd love to hear your story!

Good Sunday morning. 
I've been away from posting largely because I need to work out "my time" from my wife. I can't be reading, watching or typing on my computer and when she walks in I minimize the screen and I don't want to share with her this side of me, so I've been suggesting to her that I want to join a men's online chat group that addresses issues of Emunah and Bitachon in a way that helps me be less moody and more supportive to her and our many Hashkafic differences  that we have had for the course of our 45 year marriage. She was apprehensive and felt that it would draw us further apart but BH see has agreed to a session with a independent 3 party who will hear her out and set ground rules/ boundaries that will make her feel comfortable with my going down that path. 
In the interim I had a setback where I had an opportunity to check on some chat rooms I previously visited and I took advantage of that opportunity. I didn't go beyond chatting so there is that victory for me, but it is clear that for me to be successful I need a better plan and the continued support I get in here. 
With established, uninterrupted  "my time" I expect I'll be able to contact Hashem help me and hear his sagely advice and implement his guidelines. 

I must say that it is frightening and bewildering to me the calm, pleasant, enjoyable satisfaction that I get when I'm in a chat room fantasizing about sexual gratification and pleasure. I feel so comfortable, right at home, 'in my groove' - it feels so right, so therapeutic, so just what I need right now.
It really feels real. I can only compare it to a spot on Dvar Torah where it's so genuine, it's poshut. The really crazy thing is that I know it's a real sense of immaturity on my part because I know that the people I'm chatting with are all other pervy guys who are sad addicts just like me - it's not real- but it feels so calming. 
I still have a ways to go but it definitely feels rewarding as well as humbling as well as tremendously encouraging to be a part of this community. 

Goal is to have mornings set aside for my time and then carve out of that daily regularly scheduled GYE time. 

Thanks to all of you. 

I'll try to get to the private message emails today or tomorrow morning as well. 

  

Welcome! What a courageous first post! As someone who never went through the גיהינם that you went through, I feel unqualified to even give you any advice. I can just say with clarity, you are not at fault for your porn addiction, there is nothing for you to be ashamed of. Someone cruel took advantage of your innocence and need for recognition and exploited it. Please don't beat yourself up for something that's not your fault. Allow yourself to cry for the purity and innocence that was robbed from you in such a cruel way. We can't know why Hashem orchestrated events in this way, but now that he did, it seems like your עבודה is to fight your way out of this. You are an amazing person with many talents that will hopefully find expression, either by posting, or by connecting to the wonderful folks here that frequent these forums. The Oilam here is incredible, and as you pointed out, they will understand you, sympathize with you, never judge you, and above all really and truly accept and care for you. Looking forward to getting to know you better So glad that you decided to join us, great to have you on board! Hatzlacha Rabbah!

Welcome. I can’t imagine the pain and shame that you are dealing with internally. It is very courageous of you to come here and open up.

Hopefully with time here and the encouragement of the chevra you will be able to open up completely to a sex addiction certified therapist. You will not be judged at all and iyh you will learn to not be ashamed for things that happened that were way beyond your control. (Even if they were in your control the guilt and shame is not helpful but in your case it is obvious that you were taken advantage of)

I grew up in a chasidic family, I was a very quiet boy with very deep and delicate feelings and talents.
As I grew up, very little ppl saw the deepness in me, and b/c of that I grew up with a big desire for recognition.
When I went to yeshiva in Israel I didn't really have friends, b/c I thought that it was a failure,
So I was trying not to get too close to anyone and stay away for close relationships, But even then I was trying to get recognition for my talents, So I offered help where I could...
Then I was asked if I would like to help some org near the yeshiva, I ran for the offer hoping I'll find some recognition there, but the person I was working with (age 35+) saw my weakness and started giving me the recognition I was waiting for, I loved going there every day...
By the time I knew what his motivation was it was too late... This man sexually abused me for 2 years.

For that 2 years my live was complete autopilot, I wasn't in control, the time zipped passed with a ton of pain...
When I got engaged I didn't go back to yeshiva (B"H), but something in me was different (just to be clear: I didn't know a thing about sexuality before meeting that man) I didn't understand what I was going though and what I was chasing after...

Before I got married (6 years ago) I went back to Israel, there I met that person again and then he had a smart phone, he sat me down and opened me up to the world of porn... 

B"H just over 5 years ago I listened to a shiur about something where the teacher (a therapist) spoke about abused children, and said that no one can heal from this w/o therapy... so I got in contact to a therapist and started working on my life...
But even though I open up to him everything (and even managed to tell my wife about my story) I was still ashamed about my porn addiction and I was hiding it even to my therapist...

Just a year ago I found the courage to tell my therapist about my porn addiction, and we worked on it for some time, I was even clean for about 3 months, but I wasn't fully working on change, I thought I was over and I'm different from now on... but then I started feeling the urge, I pushed it away first, But b/c I didn't have the right tools for it I eventually fell.
I got back up after some time, but when it happened again, I worked on it with my therapist... but after a few times falling I stopped telling him, B/c I was ashamed to tell him that after all this work I'm still struggling...

Now...
A few days ago I decided that I need to take matters in my own hand and I signed up for GYE.
I must say the support here is soo different, I don't feel that I suddenly solved the issue, but rather that the ppl here understand it for my prospective...

really hoping for change, but with a deep understanding on what I'm going through.
me

18

"I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't make a difference." — Mitch Hedberg

chosemyshem wrote on 18 Jul 2024 14:04:

This is all true, a real elaboration!
But, to me, the question still remains...

Why are you running away from work and watching your kids?

chosemyshem wrote on 18 Jul 2024 16:37:

Constant vigilance and constantly thinking about shmiras habris is not the same thing. And I would venture to say that The Dov Rule is only for an addict 

proudyungerman wrote on 18 Jul 2024 01:44:

That's a good question. And on my favorite topic (me!). I'll explain, but t's a new idea to me so it's not going to come out clearly.

I'm not super in touch with my feelings. I think about them a lot, but I also lie to myself a lot. So this is somewhat speculative. But Dov pointed out in a recorded shuir that alot of addicts procrastinate a lot. He explained (I think) that it's a manifestation of the same drive - just get out, escape, leave this behind, numb yourself. That hit me very powerfully. I mentioned once or twice that I procrastinate a lot. In truth, I procrastinate mostly only at work and in taking care of my kids. Everything else I'm pretty on top of things. And while I'm pretty lazy, I'm not so lazy that it explains this level of procrastination.

And so when I thought about what leads to procrastination at work, it seemed liked when I'm faced with a task that I don't want to do I have an almost physical reaction to turn and do something else. Preferably porn, but I'll turn to news, gye, a novel, or anything else if porn is not available. That seems less like procrastination and more of a desperate desire to get away from the situation. (There are other indicators this is correct, like my many escapist fantasies, but this is already a lot of talking about myself. I'm also not entirely clear on what I'm running from but it definitely feels like running.)

And so the nafka mina of it being a feeling of trying to escape, as Dov explained, is that the third step applies here too. If I can just accept that Hashem is infinitely kind, and infinitely caring for me, and has the best plan for my life. If I can accept that where I am right here and right now is part of that plan. If I can surrender to that plan and stop wishing my egotistical plans and fantasies would be fulfilled. If I can let go and let God. Then I can stop He can help me stop running away from my life, and stop running to porn.

chosemyshem wrote on 11 Jul 2024 14:23:

Wow, posts like these make me wish there was a "retweet" or "bookmark" feature on GYE...
Thanks Reb Shem. Looking forward to reading more of your posts (and maybe even getting another call )
OivedElokim

I'm a bit outta breath... Just finished the 25 pages of this thread in two sittings!

(The feelings expressed in this post were not written solely to provide chizzuk, they're my genuine feelings after being addicted to reading your entire thread (till my phone died:() 

An incredible thread by an exceptional individual! Authentic, relatable, and jaw-dropping posts. I love your documentation of both small and significant achievements, along with the struggles you encounter. (It's sad that we were here for so long together and it just went under my radar).

I think, Shem, it would be a great idea for you to read through it in one sitting. You'll realize the progress you've made these last few months. To echo what PY wrote, remember, progress isn't just about reaching your goal; it's also about reflecting on where you started and where you are today. As you reflect on your journey, it's clear to see the remarkable progress you've made. While we all strive to achieve our goals, it's important to acknowledge and celebrate the beautiful strides you've taken, no matter how challenging the path may have been.

Reading through your thread was sometimes disheartening. I noticed how people who commented at the beginning of your journey seemed to vanish, only to be replaced by others. But what struck me was that you're still here! You didn't just come to a train station; you're determined to make it to the end.

That determination will surely stand by your side to help you overcome this struggle (which we never really get rid of fully, but it gets muted), once and for all.

Just a quick thought: I noticed you mentioned a few times that you really desire lusting and see it as part of your ideal day. I don't know if this will help, but this is something that resonated with me deeply. There's a story in one of the Hasidic seforim about a disagreement between the malach Michoel and the YH. The YH argued that Klal Yisroel are within his control, even though they occasionally do good things. However, Michoel argued that despite occasional failings, a Jew's true desire is to follow the Torah and perform mitzvos, and is not completely under the control of the YH. To support his argument, Michoel pointed out that when a Yid fulfills a mitzvah, they tend to celebrate it. When someone completes a masechta, they celebrate. However, we rarely find a God-fearing Jew celebrating a wrongdoing. It's like they were forced, driven by a desire, but that's not their true nature.

Without delving too deeply into the religious aspect, you crave and desire lusting strongly, but do you rejoice when you fail? It doesn't seem that way, based on the emojis you use. After finishing a seder, when you perform an act of kindness, do you feel accomplished? If your answer is yes, then that's a good way to figure out what you really want.

Sharing your journey has helped me tremendously (as I texted you last night +++), so plz never disappear and keep 'em coming. Wishing you freedom from temptation and a future filled with happiness and abundance!

Looking forward to get to know you better and deeper. 

- Yiftach'l

jollypenguin42 wrote on 15 Jul 2024 15:45:

Hatzlacha with your journey in Yeshiva! Looking forward to seeing you at the other side of 90 ... and beyond! 
 It's very important to CONNECT with someone.  Several times, Hashem repeated, “It is good” in the creation story. Do you remember what broke his streak? When he saw man alone, he said, “It is not good.” Sure enough, man got in trouble when he isolated. Surround yourself with a few friends, a recovery group, and an accountability partner.
The opposite of addiction is not sobriety - it's CONNECTION. Addiction thrives on isolation! Find someone that you can share your pain and struggles with. And finally, have someone who can cheer you on and celebrate your both big and small wins with you!

Socialize with us instead! We're funnier, better-looking, and the drinks are cheaper 

But seriously maybe join a shuir or something? Find a social group that is organized around something positive and join. It's tough and takes time but waaaaaay healthier.

Edit: After scrolling through your post history. Have you considered joining a 12 step group? I don't know if you're an addict or not, but it sounds like you could really use a fellowship of recovery. 

This is a fatal flaw. When someone thinks their all high and mighty with zero flaws it can come to a point where if there is a problem they push it down in the dark so they can still feel the fantasy of being flawless. In the end this becomes the downfall of the person.
This unfortunately is the mindset of us as a Jewish nation. We have more problems than just lust addiction in our communities that are being pushed down and not dealt with.

BH you all are not gething knocked down by these ppl that are trying to hold up the fantasy of perfection and hopefully we will see mass results (it's already massive to help even 1 person for 1 day with this) come to fruition sooner rather than later. 

Thank You!