tzomah wrote on 27 Mar 2017 08:33:

You will get two different answers here from the forum members.
The addicts response will not be the same as those fighting the yetzer hora.
Talking personally, (addict) - sex with my wife never stopped me from acting out.
And 'using' my wife stopped me from having an intimate sexual relationship with her.
However, focusing my lust on my wife did help me to get out of constant porn addiction, but she wasn't in the room so not sure if that's what was meant. I don't think the mechaber was talking to sex addicts.

LifneiHashem wrote on 27 Mar 2017 02:51:


Watson wrote:

Ihavenostrength wrote on 26 Mar 2017 17:40:

Beautiful insights all around

I used my drug to deal with my issues. Now life is much more difficult because I need to deal with the issues without a crutch. But I have a serene sense of satisfaction that I am actually dealing with issues. Living like an adult. Not like a baby.

GrowStrong wrote on 26 Mar 2017 18:27:

I was 11 years old when a friend exposed me to pornography. I don't think I had any real emotional problems back then.

I wasn't looking for an escape.

I remember it like yesterday... I was surprised that such pictures even existed.

Pornography and masturbation are extremely addictive. Even more acutely so for a young child or adolescent whose brain is still developing, the prefrontal cortex (part of the brain related to decision-making) especially. Their executive control is quite limited. I didn't stand a chance. 

I suppose the first year or so I may not have even been aware that there was something wrong with these behaviors. When I did realize, I felt bad and wanted to stop. This went on for some years.

Then it wasn't about wrong or right anymore. It was about wanting to walk as a man among men. 

As I got older I was able to exert more control, to hold out for longer periods. 

Sorta random but on my mind:
Tangentially, I used to be a good student. Always got good grades without trying very hard. I was popular. Around the time I started acting out I started getting in trouble in school.

I'm not sure they were related. I had a terrible teacher that year. Very, very strict. Unfair. I still got good grades and was still popular. 

As the years went on (failure gets more painful when it's​ long lasting)... I don't make friends easily anymore, not well liked, (I think anyways) I find it hard to focus, to learn new things. I used to love reading... Now I find it difficult.


Interestingly, the cognitive impairment may be a direct result of this addiction. Addictions cause low dopamine levels in the brain. Dopamine regulates motivation and focus. It's hard to learn or feel motivated with unnaturally low dopamine levels. (Incidentally I may have found a little cure today, I'll write about it soon iy"h. No, it's not a pill.) 

Yale researchers have apparently found that 90 days of abstention resets the brain somewhat. That is very heartening. (Although I can't find the original study anywhere, I only see it mentioned in various articles. If anyone can point me to the study I'd greatly appreciate it.) 

Good night

(Had these thoughts running through my head and wanted to get them out there, hopefully this was somewhat coherent.) 

My name is Binyomin, and I am a sexaholic. I have been sexually sober since August 18, 2016 with the help of Hashem, the fellowship of SA, going to meetings and working the steps. 

I was introduced to  sexual stimuli as a young child. Since then, I lived a fantasy life. Always craving and dreaming for ways to relieve the experience. As a young teen, I learned about porn and masturbation. It was my greatest discovery. My own special and private activity. I would masturbate very often, sometimes several times a day. 

I never thought there was anything wrong with it, until I learned that it was a sin. My solution to my religious problem was that I needed to get married, so that I could have a kosher outlet for my sexual fantasies, and then I would be free of the "yetzer hara". 

Marriage didn't solve my problems. It made it worse. It took several years of blaming my wife, for my problems in the bedroom, and lack of fulfillment. Soon after marriage  I started up again with the porn, all the while blaming my wife for not being there for me sexually, the way I needed. I would constantly complain that my needs were not being met. I learned several years later that I was verbally and emotionally abusive to her, and this destroyed something inside of her. Why would someone who is emotionally abused have a functional sex life? 

After about 3 years of marriage, I began to realize that I had a problem, and that  couldn't stop on my own. I had heard about GYE, and I got online to check it out. Soon afterward, I joined the 12 step conference calls. After going through 2 cycles, I was encouraged by my sponsor to join live meetings. 

For about 2 years I was in and out of the rooms, and didn't manage to stay sober for too long. (As I never really worked the steps with the direction of a LIVE sponsor which was an important aspect for me). I didn't want to admit that I had an addiction and that I was sick. I wanted to be able to moderate my usage. To control it. I felt justified. If my wife isn't giving me any, then I "needed to take care of myself". All of this thinking was skewed, and ended up costing me dearly. My sick brain prevented me from seeing myself and my problems for what they really were.  As time went on, I became more and more tolerant to porn, and it didn't give me the kick I was in desperate need of. 

My addiction, as I learned to call it, was a progressive disease. So long as it was left untreated, it got worse. I spent countless hours looking for online hookups, and wasting time on dating apps/sites. I've done very humiliating things in my active addiction. The final blow was when I slept with a prostitute. On the way there, I kept telling myself that I should turn back around. I was powerless. Even though I knew I'd regret it, and even though I didn't really want to, I went anyway. I was so disappointed with the experience. When I got home, I felt so dirty, and disgusted with myself. It was just sex. Plain, physicality, with absolutely no emotion. I didn't give me the wholesomeness I had been searching for. The fantasy of being with someone who enjoyed sex just as much as I was just that, a fantasy. In order to escape the negative feelings, I masturbated upon my return to my house. This brought clarity to me, its not sex that I want, its deep connection, and porn and prostitutes was a poor substitute. 
I did fall a couple of times since then, but 3 months later I started working the program seriously. Since then, (August 18 2016) I have been sexually sober. 
I have been seriously working the program of SA, by doing the steps, going to meetings, and staying connected with the group I go to. 

About a month later, my wife left me. We are now in the process of getting a divorce. I think that the only explanation for my sobriety during this crisis, is a gift from God. I have had a very difficult time with my home life, my financial security, my educational goals, and more. It is the program that helped me rise above the suicidal feelings that clouded my brain. I am lucky to be alive today. 

My relationship with my children has been better then it ever has been. The obsession to lust has been removed from me, and my life is filled with more serenity then it has ever been. It's not easy, and there is pain, but the life I live now is so much better then living in addiction. 

I would like to thank GYE for creating this website, and opening the door to my recovery. 

One thing I have learned, is that no matter what the circumstances, however bad my life gets, I can still stay sober, and live in the solution. If I was able to, then I am sure you can too!
May God bless you, and watch over you as you trudge the road to happy destiny. 

serenity wrote on 26 Mar 2017 18:19:

Nice to see you back, in all your glory.

gotta be real the y"h doesn't just go away even for a non addict  

MayanHamisgaber wrote on 26 Mar 2017 20:47:

And that's coming from a non addict!

Blame is for when you do something wrong.
Everything else is miscommunication and bad dynamics and our addictions/yetzer horas.
We should all be mature enough to know when we did something wrong. And to take the blame.
And to remember that the wife is always right.
Happy Wife Happy Life.

Ihavenostrength wrote on 26 Mar 2017 17:40:

Excellent. I have many parts of my recovery. 2 major parts are therapy and SA. Therapy doesn't keep me sober and my sponsor isn't my therapist. But they are both part of the same issue. I have something called addiction. It is a disease. My brain is wired differently than other people's brains. Why am I a lust addict? I have no idea. When I check in at meetings I say, "Hi, I'm Shlomo and I'm a lust addict. I have a progressive disease that started between the ages of 3 and 5 with sexually themed dreams and it progressed to anonymous acting out with other men." My progression happened over many years, but I know that I have an addicts brain. I believe that the core issue of my addiction is my addiction. To say that it's anything else is to say that it's not an addiction. There are many genetic aspects of addiction (my father has been to OA and he is definitely a food addict). 

But you can ignore all of that. Because I need to work my program regardless of the causes of my addiction. Living in the past is not going to keep me sober. Getting a better self-esteem isn't either going to keep me sober. (I actually don't have a low self-esteem). 

Also, getting sober did not solve my problems. I only started to realize my problems once I actually got sober.

This is my experience, strength, and hope.

Ihavenostrength wrote on 26 Mar 2017 17:40:

I've  been having some anxiety lately. Today it's been creeping up on me all day. I did a breathing meditation and that helped. I decided to go to a meeting tonight and make sure to share. I'm also going to help someone else get to the meeting. Helping others helps me. Also I need to a good amount of regular sleep and I've been staying up to late. I'm working  on eating healthier which is big contributing factor for me. I haven't taken medication for anxiety so I can't speak to that. 

While I'm here I wanted to share a prayer that I need for today. God, help me to surrender for today. Let not my ego get in the way of my usefulness to others. Help me to clear my mind of selfish thoughts. Remind me that my best thinking is what brought me down the road of addiction. Let me be open to others and non-judgmental of myself and others. Remind me that what works for me may not work for others and that I don't have to save people. It is You God and only You that can save me from myself and save others.

Day 44: What causes what? Do other life problems cause this addiction or does this addiction cause other problems?

I don't know, I can see how it can go both ways, even just in my life. I guess whichever one it is, what is of primary importance is to take positive action towards change in whatever area requires it. 

There are practical ramifications though. For if acting out/lusting is causing other problems, perhaps achieving sobriety will cause other problems to cease to exist (hence removing the need to focus on them).

As for me I'm not too hopeful that sobriety will be my all-encompassing salvation.

Even if my problems grew out of the void which acting out created, it doesn't mean they'll go away with not acting out anymore. All it means is that they may have not developed if I'd actually matured, instead of self-medicating with masturbation. 

workingmyprogram wrote on 26 Mar 2017 16:50:

So you are saying that Simcha isn't only a result of these tools, but its also a tool to use these tools....

workingmyprogram wrote on 26 Mar 2017 16:38:

I will read it and report back on my findings while doing my best to remain honest with myself.