newbeginning wrote on 28 Mar 2017 19:27:

If she were Potiphar then I don't think you've got a problem...

When a girl I hardly know says that stuff, "I'll ,miss you...", I flip out. I think I'm it. I'm the guy. This is it. I'm a stud. She loves me, needs me, desires me. I am her entire world. I am all-powerful, able to move mountains, able to make or break worlds. Those words, that pouty face, it imbues me with such a false sense of worth. It's scary. And I feel those words would still have a hold on me today. So I hear your challenge. May Hashem help you.

newbeginning wrote on 28 Mar 2017 19:27:

You're a strong guy.
Congrats on the 90 day!

I suggest keeping conversations with her down to business matters

If she wants to chat, I'd make out as it if I need to answer my phone, or make a call 

 I'm not saying this is for you, but it may help you possibly to hook up with some  members via attending your local SA group

KUTGW!!

BH today is 89 days clean!! I have never got this far before. The Taphsic method has been invaluable, and has really put a 50 foot electric fence between me and the sin. 

I'm facing possibly my biggest Nisayon yet.
There is a woman at work who always smiles at me, speaks to me (flirts), and dresses immodestly (relative to my 'addictive' mind).  I used to work in another hospital, and moved to this one only recently. Coincidentally I bumped into her today (she was moved to this hospital to cover someones shift) and when she found out I was moved here permanently, she genuinely seemed disappointed and voiced her disappointment too saying ' oh nooo, i'll miss you... or something along the lines of that' bearing in mind I have hardly spoken to this woman.

She even asked me to show her where this new area is in the hospital where I work, after politely declining she was saying 'show me another time', all whilst acting flirty.

I'm really worried because I don't trust myself, Yes, I try my best to guard my eyes etc... but when it comes to real life situations like that, it's completely different to online problems... I have never really dealt with this before... Any advice?? 

​I feel like I'm Joseph and she is Potiphar...

​P.s. The environment I'm often in is basement level in a hospital (I work in a pharmacy store room) so its not like its a bust office environment.

Welcome Kleen4real!  Posting here is a HUGE first step.  You mentioned therapy, did your wife know about this therapy?  Does she know about your addiction?  Why did the therapy make it worse?  Connecting with real people is very helpful.  Do you have anyone in your "real" life that you can share this with?  A rav/rebbi etc.?  The difficult steps are the ones that usually are the most beneficial.  Keep us posted.  We are here for you.

First of all thank you. Thank you. All of you amazing people. (markz nice new truck you got there). You guys give me so much chizuk, hope, and belief in me and what I can and am doing.

Wow! 

So, ODAAT is a big thing. But it is a tool. Yes a tool that I need to continue to implement (by tool I mean mindset and technique kinda rolled up into one. Not sure what I mean by that but hey...) I think the wall I was running up against is self acceptance. This is what my rebbe thought. Shame that I am wrong, and not accepting this situation. (imagine, though not too graphically, if a person could never have sex again. Physically impossible. The lust wouldn't go away. They would suffer and suffer horribly until they accepted that this was the new reality and then they could move on and live in it) Same thing here which Ihavenostrength was saying as well (thank you).

I was reading up on self-acceptance and tunnel-vision (www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-sobriety/201108/when-vision-becomes-tunnel-vision). (I found a bunch of articles on self-acceptance as well and I'll put them in the bottom, just be warned there is some garbage about how society messes people up and doesn't let them express their 'true' gender identity. you have been warned ) They speak to a lot of issues I believe in the GYE handbook as well as this whole addict thing. So that was helpful.

Then, I finally, got over my reservations and listened to the first shiur in Dov's workshop. 

PAUSE...

I want to publicly (or as publicly as an anonymous user on an anonymous forum can do) thank Dov for his amazing work. When I first got here two years ago I found a lot of what he said to be crazy, off the wall, not jewish. I was convinced. But then I kept falling, and I slowly began to realize the amazing and simple truths that he posts about. I found a few of his articles to be very helpful, and even if I didn't like them. I knew they were true and I wasn't getting out of this without owning it and being brutally honest with myself. (one article I remember well is the reset button, but there were many) So thank you Dov for all you do for the GYE community and especially for the helping hand you have given me.

RESUME

So I listened to the first Dov lecture, and you know what? He starts going through the outline of the 12 steps and when he gets to step four (which is probably what I am up to in terms of implementing) He says it straight out. about accepting our reality. I was like, 'thank you Dov, and thank you Hashem for sending me this rather clear answer.' So maybe if I felt like I was up against a wall it is because I need to start the next step. 

(the articles on self-acceptance, at least most of them, list making an honest inventory about yourself as critical to self-acceptance) I understand step four includes a brutal and honest and thorough inventory. But I think I shall include also all of the positive things I have done as well so I can accept the total ME.

So I updated today, and it has been one day since the last, and IMY"H it will be just one more one more time.

Thank you GYE and friends!!




ps. here are the links please see my warning above:

psychcentral.com/lib/therapists-spill-12-ways-to-accept-yourself/
www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/200809/the-path-unconditional-self-acceptance
zenhabits.net/acceptance-techniques/
www.eruptingmind.com/how-to-love-and-accept-yourself-self-acceptance/
www.oprah.com/spirit/how-self-acceptance-can-crack-open-your-life

really just the first bunch of google results that I found relevant.

chizukconstant wrote on 27 Mar 2017 14:06:

I was there before. Had ambivalent feelings about porn and masturbation. Now, I get no enjoyment from it at all.

When I fall, I'm being pushed down by a cruel master. It's enslavement. Do yourself a favor and quit now. Quit before you learn to hate porn, where you won't even want it, but you'll be so addicted, you'll do it anyways. 

Peace

Ihavenostrength wrote on 27 Mar 2017 18:59:

Still working on the thesis, but I was basically agreeing with you. I will get back to you with a better explanation I hope...

GrowStrong wrote on 27 Mar 2017 13:22:

I don't understand this sentence. Would love if you could explain! Thanks

I agree with HHM that it sounds like your' lust aint to high if I am wrong please ignore me...
Therefore as a non addict GS/HHM really said it all a little tiavah triggered by something and then being with the wife FOR THE WIFE is what chazal mean (coming from a rebbe of mine and a sefer בינין הבית) and for me it helps (B"H I have a wife who understands and wants to help but I still need to be careful as the addicts can explain and did)

Great job trying to understand this keep the open mindedness and you will get far

Thank you all for the words of encouragement.

My thought for the day: If an addict is a cucumber that is now a pickle, than I'm a batampte (I think that's how you spell it) pickle:  crunchy like a cucumber, but still sour like a pickle!

We have hundreds of addicted non-addicts on this forum who can vouch to the dangers of over exposure.

GrowStrong wrote on 27 Mar 2017 10:20:

With sufficient exposure anyone can become addicted. This is true of all addictions (my limited understanding). Circumustances and a hell of alot of mazel determine whether the kid will get addicted. Small things... Like whether he first saw porn at his friends house, or his friend showed him how to access it on his own PSP (giving him unfettered access to explore). 

I doubt too many people become addicted by seeing one picture of a naked woman. 

tzomah wrote on 27 Mar 2017 08:33:

The simple meaning, i think, is if one was exposed to a very triggering matzav (whatever that may be for him), and is afraid he will not be able to control himself, one should have sex with their wife. However that does not mean one should use his wife as a masturbating tool. The sex should be healthy giving and intimate. If one finds themselves not doing that, they should be speaking to a rov/therapist familiar with sexual addiction on how to proceed. Many of us (addicts and non addicts alike) were advised to practice celibacy for a certain period of time as part of our showing ourselves we could be in control, and to retrain how we treat our wives. How far one goes with this has a lot to do with if he is fighting the yetzer hora or an illness/addiction. Obviously these are matters we should not pasken by ourselves and should stick to shulchan aruch unless an appropriate authority tells us specifically otherwise.

A recurring thought brought to mind after reading ihave's post. It is so painful to read on these forums how much pain so many have endured for so many years. Yet it's very heartening to see how everyone is doing whatever they can, no matter how difficult, to stand up to their yetzer hora, or deal with their addiction. People like this will iyh make it and then help others extricate themselves from this mess.

Many kids (most according to some mechanchim I spoke to recently) are exposed to porn in todays world at one point....
They don't all become addicts or start to have porn problems....
Yes executive control is limited but so is the tendency to self medicate limited to the feelings of the child and their situation.
Whats not important is whether you are an addict from birth or due to circumstance or whether you just have a bigger YH than most.
Whats important is what tools you are able to use to help you personally break free from what you struggle with and then you should be blessed to take your strength and insight to help heal and give insight to the rest of the world like you do for us here....