tzomah wrote on 27 Apr 2017 18:35:

Would be nice if there's a way to find out which sefer this is.
Thanks much

Chaimel wrote on 27 Apr 2017 18:22:

II don't think you should bother yourself with this question.

Shivisi_Hashem wrote on 27 Apr 2017 02:43:

there is a new sefer from r' shlomo hoffman witch is phsycology based on torah where he explains the difference bet. control kovesh and tikkun and tikkun would be healing great read for addicts as he explains teshuvah in a whole different light i forget the name but it has a picture of him on the front cover

MayanHamisgaber wrote on 27 Apr 2017 16:52:

Can someone point me in the direction of how one can determine the answer to this? I've mostly been exposed to substance abuse before and I'm not sure if it's the same criteria 

Hi-
First, thank you for having such a service/site. I have been dealing with my addiction since I was 6. I have found much of the advice offered on the site very helpful, realistic and hopefully will help me.

My issue relates to an item of clothing so my trigger is almost constantly in my field of view. I have been battling my addiction for many years. I have been able to make some progress on my own over the years but I have never been able to gain proper control of my actions. Hearing the diverei Torah on this site is very powerful since it is so focused on the issues I am dealing with. One point of advice that I read on the site that hit home is that trying to control myself takes an enormous amount of energy and thought process that could be used for such better things...I look forward to delving into all the resources the site offers in hope of finally being able to apply all my energies on positive actions.

I am not sure what else to say at this time but thank you for reading my intro.

Welcome continued hatzlacha

Would you consider yourself an addict or not?

What things have you tried so far? 

Hi, A while ago I listed to an amazing recording by Miriam for wives of addicts. I want to give it to my wife to listen to (she knows about my addiction) but now I can't find the recording. Could someone direct me to it please? Thank you.

A very very great inspiration !

And like others said, the most important was to seek for help and not being blocked by addiction saying : "You can do it alone ! It's a big shame to talk about it with others !"
And one day at a time too.

Hachem may see all your efforts with a big warm smile, and keep these clean days into your gold vault for always

Shivisi_Hashem wrote on 27 Apr 2017 02:43:

It's arguable what באותו מקום, באותו אשה, ובאותו זמן means, it can be that once your helped you can be in that same situation again and won't even have the תאוה for it.
I know that this is a very high level which we all will hopefully be there one day.

Kleen4real wrote on 27 Apr 2017 02:31:

i have a ראיה that healed means control, but still being an addict, because the gemara says היכי דמי תשובה? באותו מקום, באותו אשה, ובאותו זמן, so if healed means no addiction at all, how could be that he came across with the same נסיון? he is healed? אלא מאי he is still an addict but he controls him self

Shivisi_Hashem wrote on 27 Apr 2017 00:11:

I heard one time, I don't remember from whom, that in order to know that your Tshuva was excepted is when you get a hatred to that sin. not sure if this makes sense.

eslaasos wrote on 27 Mar 2017 18:18:

completely healed in my opinion means "control" when you have control over your self, addiction means that you are out of control,

gibbor120 wrote on 28 Mar 2017 17:34:

Thanks gibbor120

For a long time ago I discussed this with my wife and we decided that I will go for therapy but I guess it wasn't a good therapist (at least in my case) and for some reason the therapist was working against me and trying to break apart our marriage.
My wife knew at some point about it obviously, but I don't think she knows about it now.
In real life I don't have any real people I can discuss this (just yet) Funny thing is that I have a Rav that I'm very close with and talk on a daily basis a few times a day but I can't see myself telling him about my second life.

MayanHamisgaber wrote on 25 Apr 2017 18:46:

In recovery I am hearing a lot about whats driving me.
In active addiction the obsession and then the craving comes to medicate life.
And then we are driven by the addiction.. But whats really 'driving us' is fears, resentments, shame.
I think this is the same for addicts and non addicts in the main.
Non-addicts living a balanced life might say they are driven by ambition and love and selflessness.
Normal heilige yidden might say they are driven by Fear of God and Love of God and his creation.
The point is that everyone is being driven by urges, feelings, desires and intellect.
As Shlomo pointed out, addicts are driven by a loss of self will. Which is why its so important to Let God Drive.
But this is a lesson for humanity.
At any moment in the day we need to ask ourselves (addicts and non-addicts) What is Driving Me.
We all have middot we need to work on constantly, if we didn't we would either be doing tikkun olam all the time as an emissary of God or we would have completed our task and not be here.
So when I lose the plot because the kids are going wild and the wife is sick in bed and I am unable to handle the situation I am being driven by negative forces of resentment and anger and selfishness.
What do all these middot represent.
A lack of emunah that Hashem is literally running everything, its all from Him.
This is basic mussar.
So, what we are discussing is getting to a point that everything that happens to us, both for the good and the bad, doesn't upset our equilibrium. There are two ways to do that.
To repress or to face it. Repressing it causes mounds of negativity. Facing it means being constantly aware of myself and the world around me.
Addicts are very very bad at facing life. So they need to go to the extreme of being constantly aware of what is driving them right now and ask God constantly what He would have them do.
The third step prayer is a perfect example of it as is the fourth step prayer for our fears.
The third step prayer isn't something you do once and then move on to step 4.
Its a daily renewal of asking God to show you at all moments how to act and how to react.
When I get angry or hold resentments, It is clear that something has gone awry.
Something is off.
Why is this relevant to addicts and non-addicts alike? Because as you saw while back 'home' - 'most' people are driven by selfishness and self will and by what they want from life. And those same 'most people' are in the main non-addicts.
Imagine if the world all acted at every moment with emotional equilibrium, asking God at every moment to show them the right way to react and to act in every situation as it occurs.
Shalom Bayis would be a standard. Dare I say there would be a lot less conflict in the world.
We all act and react according to whats driving us.
If we are balanced and aligned then we can drive. Because we are then using Gods GPS and not our own.
But who is balanced and aligned in the world today?
More than 36 people? I don't know. Hard to imagine it.
So i would say like this.
It's OK for us to drive. But we need to use Hashems GPS at all times. And we need to realize we are in a learner car, and God is sitting next to us with the controls.


Addicts are driven by these fears and resentments in active addiction.
Normal people are only driven by these things when they happen and then they go back to being 'normal'.

I don't think this is a religious discussion.
I don't think God is a religious discussion.
But then I also don't think that Judaism is a 'religion'.
This is about each of us and our own personal relationship with Hashem.
Either He is everything or He is nothing.

Thats why I dont think this is about addicts or non-addicts. I think everyone can benefit from this 'mussar'.
I always used Shlomos example of the cable and electricity to explain the Mitzvot. but I see that it  explains living with God constantly in my life much better.

Shlomo24 wrote on 26 Apr 2017 03:15:

Beautiful Shlomo that was exactly what I was hoping to hear.
​Not getting into a religious discussion....but the way you said it I understand to mean that I still have b'chira to chose which way I go but after that Hashem will guide me down that path as much as I let him.
This is what I meant that my passenger side has their own brake and access to the emergency brake perhaps I should add their own gas pedal and steering wheel too....

Let me know if I am making ant sense hear anyones comments are appreciated as I am just trying to get things clear and this area seems to be very hazy to many as to me it seems that there is a common ground here for addicts and non-addicts but also this is the dividing line too...

p.s. bb I thimk Shlomo's post is a way of explaining what you were trying to say. Am I correct?