Mesayin,
Do you mean something like the BB threads which supposedly aren't accessible for unmarried people?
Perhaps a category like Addicts, which you will need special permissions to access. So that if someone wants to rant about the 12 steps, they can comfortably do it there?

Hello dear brothers,

הודו לשם כי טוב כי לעולם חסדו

I’d like to share gratitude to Hashem and to all of you. Not so long ago, I felt totally beaten, hopeless, and depressed. After four years of;

- so called רוחניות therapy to learn how to fight my yetzer haro

- paying thousands of dollars for mashpiyim

- countless discussions with my wife trying to convince both of us that my acting out is part of history

- thousands of טבילות in mikvah

- buckets of tears during davening

- not having contact whatsoever with any women

- not watching a single movie

after four years of that I found myself out there again, back to square one, or should I say square zero because this time I crossed lines I never have before.

God could and would if He was sought, and today I’m a living example of just that, I joined SA because that was my very last straw of hope but I didn’t really think it’ll work for me, the longer I was going to meetings and still acting out the more convinced I became that I’m beyond repair, I’m a defected product, there’s no hope for me and sooner or later I’ll jump off some bridge and get out of this miserable mess of a life. Everyone in SA was talking about prayer and how they felt connected and that God listens but I didn’t even have the willingness to pray so why would god care…

And then the miracle happened.

After one meeting a member said to me “forget about praying – just ask”, these words for some reason made sense and I started doing just that, asking god to “please give me the willingness to get sober” – that’s all I did besides going to meetings, twice a day I’d ask for willingness.

Without getting into all the details, God gave me the willingness, I got a sponsor, started working the steps, daily readings, daily phone calls, daily praying – yes praying  , and believe it or not (I don’t), I made it to 90 days without acting out!!! Yes I’m still an addict, and yes I still feel like giving up some days, but I got so many blessings in my life, I now know my place, my life finally makes some sense, I feel hope, I don’t beat myself up anymore,  I can be honest with my wife about my hardships, my marriage is in a better place than ever before (even without sex 8 times a week), my kids feel that taty is there for them, and so much more, I’ll never finish writing if I list them all.

All I can say is THANK YOU!!! Thank you Hashem, and thank you all dear brothers for being there for me when I wasn’t even there for myself. Nothing more to say.

samhadenough wrote on 16 May 2017 02:18:


Keep us posted brother

Hi,
My name is Sam and I am 35years old. I have been struggling with this addiction for over  20 years but new to this site.
I have never been able to stay clean for longer than a month and half except twice when I made it to 3 months. I truly hope I could get my life normal. Looking forward 
Sam

cordnoy wrote on 16 May 2017 14:55:

Actually, I think to answer my question, one would need a degree in addiction and in mental health and no one here I know has either.

Mesayin wrote on 16 May 2017 14:50:

II would not know.

I'm assumin' you think the answer is low self esteem. By me, however, it was and is high self esteem. I know others with similar tendencies. I know addicts who have low self esteem as well.

Bottom line, I don't think they are necessary related.

cordnoy wrote on 16 May 2017 01:28:

Would you say someone suffering deeply from addiction has low self esteem or a high self esteem?

Hashivalisesonyishecho wrote on 16 May 2017 05:02:

Would you like to elaborate on the nature of the "change of substance"?
Thank you.

GrowStrong wrote on 16 May 2017 09:01:

II don't know why a site needs to be split to get that accomplished (not that I agree, but going with your chiluk). Just have them write that chopsticks are for non addicts and 12 steps are for addicts.

Hashivalisesonyishecho wrote on 16 May 2017 05:02:

Not sure why this is just for "non addicts." Addicts need a life change. I'm not sure what you did, for you weren't clear. B"H either way. Sounds good. Keep it up.

Here is my 2c.
You guys are thinking about all the non-addicts that might not get the help they need.
But what about the addicts.
For example, sending the addicts to do TaphSik could push off their recovery for a few more months.
With the right method and system in place this is something that should be able to help all addicts and addicted non-addicts.
While there are tools that work for non-addicts that don't work for addicts there are many tools that don't work for addicts that work for non-addicts. (thats the same thing i think but anyways)
So reorganizing the sites tools with that in mind could actually be of a lot of use for the addicts that get to the site.
Having said that, one would expect more weight to be put on the 12 steps for the addict side of the fence.
Starting with the right form of questionnaire to direct the person to the side of the fence that will help them more from the get go won't be easy. Good luck to the guy that's going to create that one.
It is fully confirmed that this 'split' has nothing to do with the forum.

i havent been on this site in a loooongo time ....

lets see.....i can probably confirm i have some form of erotic fantasy addiction.....i know because even while things between me an most of my family have improved tremendously i still turn to smut every once and then .....feels like a "fix"....and it doesnt make any sense except habit and Aquired necessity ....meaning i obviously dont need it but i feel like i want to use it "just alittle" 

even my financial situation is getting better .....although the pressure is everpresent 

there are also on a side note but very significantly 2 things that being with my wife concerns me 


1 the way we got her "tahor" was by going to a natural body of water ....and i helped her go under 3 times ....but i am unsure if we did it correctly (i did speak to a rav about this method but i am still unsure if i followed his words correctly) at the time i kinda assumed i did 

2 since a while now my wife has basically been on round the clock hormone therapy which also translates into contraceptives.....without it she would basically be very ill and nigh impossible to get pregnant anyway .....

But besides that she is also super sensitive "down there" ...we think it may be the result of mishandling (to put it lightly) during a labor back in '07 ( that may have been the catalyst for a saga that resulted in a severe infection AND an ectopic pregnancy )

soooo meanwhile to deal with her sensitivities i agreed to use condoms to avoid unecessary contact between my stuff and her when we ....are together ....but in order for it to NOT be a complete barrier i put holes in them before they are used .....and any teenager knows a hole-y condom can result in pregnancy ....but between that and her hormones thats pretty much impossible anyhow .....six months and i havent discussed this technique with a rav .....though i wish i could i just dont know who i can go to who can be sensitive enough...

those are the halchic things bothering me .....that and the fact that being together more has NOT eliminated my sm** use ....

also i lost count of sefirah ....well before lag baomer ....

Warning - I am not speaking to addicts. My message is probably completely irrelevant for addicts. I understand that by using the term 'addict', I am referring to people who turn to their addictive behavior as a constant escape and as the only place to turn to. Although I have seen many definitions of addiction on these forums, this definition is what I have understood from Dov's words. But what ever the definition is, my message is not for addicts. I should really post this clarification before every such message as the one I am about to give.

I have made a change of substance. I have no guarantee that it will last, but even just for the time that it's lasting it's tremendously valuable. There is certainly some truth in my approach as I see it works. Even though I don't have any way, at this point, of seeing how long term it is, just the fact that it works for 78 days means it has some validity, even if it isn't yet quite the whole picture or the whole solution. The change that I made this time is different from what I have done in the past. It's bringing me to make improvements on a constant basis. Not improvements of forcing myself to control myself against my nature, but improvements of finding a more satisfying way of life. Now I have begun learning a little bit more. I hope that will last. I hope it will grow. I am seeing some yeshuos in my life. I believe there is a connection to my behavior. As it says הן לא קצרה יד ד' מהושיע ולא כבדה אזנו משמוע כי אם עונותיכם היו מבדילים ביניכם לבין אלוקיכם . I believe my acting out was actually standing in the way of the good stuff that was at my doorstep but not able to enter. As things are getting better for me, I am wanting to behave better. I am by nature a complainer, (not verbally, but in my own mind) but I am trying to teach myself to notice the good things and be grateful. In the face of the good things I have described here, I am trying to practice being grateful. Seeing the full part of the cup rather than only seeing the un-full part. 

Markz wrote on 15 May 2017 12:10:

......
Shlomo

Shlomo24 wrote on 16 May 2017 02:43:

They dare not, because your thread will be changed to "half steps" and you'll have to change your name to Shlomo12

How about we chill about this whole talk and get on with life

Gnite
Mark