getthere wrote on 03 Jul 2017 15:51:

thank you for your support,
so far i dont see any light of the tunnel, its not getting easier, i still go trough very difficult nights, day is not that hard, i BH dont have any Taveh for porn, and no Taveh to look on ladys on the street, which is big win for me, i never thought that i will one day be at this stage, im fully clean from those stuff, i know by now that this things are just fake and empty, but the nights are very tough, and its only the lust, the lust triggers are so high, that sometimes its almost impossible to make it trough. i cant wait it should get at least easier, i know that lust is here to stay, but it should get easier to control.

Shivisi - good to see you up and running again. Keep posting the news and also what makes you have to restart. It gets easier but don't forget an addict has his own mind and needs to be reminded that its an addict.
Keep strong we are counting on you

Firstly MAZAL TOV IT SHOULD BE WITH HATZLACHA

Secondly I do not want to sound negative but I felt the exact same way when I was engaged but in reality having a wife did not help and when she was ussur I acted out big time.
Disclaimer: I am not an addict yet still I had this problem.

As far as advice goes in how to proceed others can help and maybe try calling Dov 

Please keep us updated

So, just to update...

I B"H got engaged about 2 weeks ago, to a wonderful Kallah who is more amazing than I ever thought I deserved, and we both (from what I can tell from her end) really feel excited and comfortable and happy with each other.

I spoke to my Rosh Yeshiva further about my issues, and he recommended that I speak to a therapist, and he found me someone to speak to.
I met the therapist (happy to give a name if it helps at all) twice (so far), but I haven't really gotten much out of it. He agrees that I don't seem to be addicted per se (I believe mainly because it hasn't really progressed much further over the years), and he seems to keep mentioning that most of these issues come from something else, but I've been able to eliminate pretty much everything that he mentioned, and I'm more convinced that it may just be "purely" a Ta'avah issue, that I've probably made worse by allowing it to continue.

I've already made decent progress, IMHO, since I haven't seen anything inappropriate online for a few weeks already, probably at least a month, or maybe more.

However, I still have been masturbating sometimes, not as often as I was, and it's been all fueled by thoughts, as opposed to actually seeing material online.

I definitely need to slow that down, but I do view the resolution that I've made to not look at anything online as progress, and so far, I've been able to keep that up.

Additionally, I've always been pretty straight up and honest with myself, and I tried giving the therapist as much info as possible, so there's no real denial here, though I've definitely been able to convince myself that some parts of it (the masturbation, etc) isn't as bad in some ways, which is probably not true, and probably why I've had a harder time stopping it...

The therapist thinks I should continue with something, but I don't really think that I've gotten much from seeing him (besides for the expense, which I'd rather avoid, but if I felt that I was gaining something from the sessions, I'd definitely continue it, even with the cost), and I think that at this point, it's something that has to come from me, and that I can work on myself.

​My plan on my end is to work on reducing the frequency of my masturbating, and setting goalswhere I have to go x number of days without masturbating, and then work on building it up.

Additionally, I really am looking forward to getting married, not (at least in my mind) just because of the intimacy (though I've seen people label it as "lust"), but because of the chance to really spend time together with my wife IY"H and to really understand and focus on each other, and I think that I won't have any issues with focusing on her and taking care of her, and not just focusing on myself, both from a regular and sexual perspective.

(Disclaimer - I haven't started Chosson classes yet, supposed to be starting them later this week, but I don't yet really know what's involved.)

My Rosh Yeshiva had advised me not to bring up these things earlier, but I had spoken to him (and mentioned it to the therapist briefly) again, and I feel that I should be bringing it up with my Kallah, maybe not in full detail, but to at least give her an idea of what I've had some trouble with ("seeing things online that I shouldn't be seeing") and where I've made some progress. My Rosh Yeshiva was basically Maskim to my bringing it up, though he told me that I have to figure out the right way to do it.

And based on how I know my Kallah, I think she'll take it well, and I hope to make it into something to work on together, or to at least keep her involved with my progress, and make sure she's aware of where I'm holding.

Again, I may be biased, but I really don't see it as being as much of an issue once I'm married, and I really think that I'll be able to control myself, maybe because of the "Pas Besalo" of being married, but also because it will now matter to someone else, and not just to me.

The question is if I'm missing the boat (though I'm more confident now that I'm not) that it will get better once I'm married (and I'm only basing this off of my personal circumstances and what I've gotten and somewhat verified by going to the therapist), and if it's also a bad idea, if that's true, to bring it up at this point, especially with the (hopefully low) chance that she may not take it well.

And I'm also interested in hearing ideas about how I can get things to improve, and if there is anything that I can do on my own, or if I have to do/go to something or someone else.

Anyone here have any advice or input (and it would be helpful if it's coming from someone who has dealt with others as well, and understands my circumstances)?

And my apologies for the long and detailed post, just figured I may as well write everything up the best that I can and with as much information as I can give (though writing this from a phone after deciding to post means that there may be more mistakes, think I caught them all though).

Thanks a lot!

You are brave and courageous and will iyh have a lucky wife!

Bh, I'm looking forward for a great summer free of my addiction, on day at a time.

after being on those forums for the past week and a half I ought to say that it help me a lot in defining my problem, 
and a got a confession to make, bh I'm a bochur in shiduchim and I went out a couple of times, bh the notion of getting married in order that my future wife would be my lust appeaser never appeared in my mind to be part of the equation, but one particular girl I went out with, (now retrospectively i see clearly) it was a very big factor, it didn't end up happening but it hurt me b/c she had the qualities i was looking for and she was GORGEOUS! And although somethings in our encounters told that she wasn't for me nonetheless I wanted to continue. 
Now i gotta thank hashem for not allowing it to happen, i was just not ready for it, it's just a blessing the way this whole thing turned out.
while writing this I have mixed emotions, I'm ashamed that I'm revealing this side of mine, I'm proud of myself for being able to get it out of me (I would never tell this to a close friend of mine or a family member) and I feel deep gratitude to hashem for the way things played out.

to conclude, I would like to thank gye, and the diverse community that we got on those forums!!

sounds good 
as for the alcohol i was kidding even though i know that woodford is the official drink (how much did woodford pay to be advertised to a bunch of Jewish addicts?) of GYE 
i can't really drink either that leaves only our third little piggy but a real man doesn't drink alone...
unless we recruited more devarim acheirim for our meeting

Michael94 wrote on 02 Jul 2017 03:53:

Intimacy is not sex, at least that's what I was trying to say. sex is self serving, intimacy is connection, and I suppose that's what you want in a marriage, connection?

 I will totally agree that intimacy is more difficult one one is used to masturbation a.k.a sex with self.

I got to disagree,
I'm an addict and I don't want to get married for intimacy Rather to build a jewish home  based on respect and dignity.
I'm somewhat afraid of intimacy after marriage, since now I can somewhat control my addiction as for after marriage i'm scared it will get out of hand.
I have dated numerous amount of times and a couple of girls and the act of intimacy wasn't part of the equation.

lovealways wrote on 02 Jul 2017 03:06:

Those who want to "get married so badly" may not be healthy...( Or they can just be lonely)

Why do healthy non-addicts get married? I suppose you mean ones who don't look at porn?

To build a beautiful Jewish home based on respect and dignity, and they connect at the deepest level through intimacy.

How the natural desire plays a role in that, is discussed in different threads on the forum, but I think this is already beyond your question.

hakolhevel, i hear. but then why do healthy non addicts want to get married so badly? 

I saw a Nesivois Shalom on Shabbos which explains the different courses of action an addict must take versus a non addict.
Parshas Chukas on the passuk "al kein yoimru ha moishlim boiu cheshboin"  the gemara says al kein yoimru hamoishlim beyitzram boiu cheshboin boiu venachshoiv chesbono shel oilam schar mitzva kneged oinsha... This passuk is being darshened as follows: Therefore the one who controls their yetzer hara says let's make the cheshbon of the world, the benefit of a mitzva vs the loss and the consequences of an aveira vs the gain (pleasure?)
Says the Nesivos shalom this only helps for those who can control their yetzer hora, those who their yetzer hora controls them (addicts?) cheshbonos won't help them. they have to just stop (he doesn't say exactly how to stop presumably one of the 20 tools) ayin sham for more details
Which was a great mussar haskel for me i felt like it really applied to me
A gutte voch

I suggest a fear inventory.

1. What am I afraid of?
2. Why am I afraid?
3. How has self-reliance failed me?
4. I ask God to remove my fear
5. Direct my attention on what He wants me to be

For example: 
1. I am afraid that somebody will find out i am a sex addict
2. Because then they will think less of me
3. I cant control how others think of me, I cant control that i am a sex addict
4. God please remove my fear
5. God wants me to be accepting that I am a sexaholic and to accept myself for who i am

I highly suggest writing it down. This is from the big book, pg 68

(I assume this is for non-addicts - not sure. But I know personally of people that this article is relevant to)

The Dangers of Misguided Piety - by Rabbi Simcha Feuerman

Every few months the media reports incidents involving some prominent rabbi or rebbe committing some form of sexual misdeed. This phenomenon is almost a trend, and therefore not just about occasional outlier; something deeper is behind this...
Apparently, a small, scattered but nonetheless significant number of individuals in the observant community have dragged the ugly one into the Beis Medrash but have not succeeded in rendering him ineffective. What is going wrong? Why is this process failing for a small, but persistent cohort of prominent and learned people?

Speaking as a therapist who has had the privilege of hearing about the inner lives of frum persons from all levels of observance, including very learned and pious individuals, when it comes to sexual matters, some have overshot in their desire to abstain, perhaps because the feelings and drive can be so intense. Shame and guilt about sexual impulses and fantasies has led some to attempt to utterly disavow their sexual needs. Such persons focus on limitation and strict rationing as a way to deal with lust. Instead of finding ways to channel desires in the direction of deepening passion, sexual expression and romance with their spouses, they focus on extreme modesty and other measures. The potential problem with such an approach is that each person has a different nature and while abstention and limitation may work for one person, for another it can only further stoke the fuel of desire. For some people, as their desire builds, their shame builds and they may begin to wall off their personal sexual life from their marital family life. They may behave with their wives and families with extreme and oppressive modesty, but their thoughts and impulses may be burning with unsatisfied lustful fantasies. They are too ashamed to bring this activity into their real love life, and thus are vulnerable to acting out in far more destructive ways. Sexual desire is a powerful force and cannot easily be ignored or redirected. And paradoxically, our Sages tell us, “The greater a man is, the greater his temptation” (Succah 52a – the Gemara is referring specifically to sexual temptation as is evident from the context of the Talmudic discussion.)

It is not surprising nor is it incorrect to attempt to tame the yezer hara by resorting to strict measures of modesty and abstention. The halachos of tznius clearly place responsibility upon people to limit temptation and to behave in ways that mute public sexual expression. Even private excessive sexual expression is considered dangerous, as our Chachamim warn, “A man possesses a small body part which will feel starved if one attempts to satisfy it, and will feel satisfied if one starves it” (Sanhedrin 107a.) Shulchan Aruch (O.C., 240 and E.H. 25) espouses this philosophy in great detail, delineating many steps and measures to maintain sanctity and restraint in the bedroom so the act is not merely to “sate his desire.”

Yet, while acknowledging this as the preferred and ideal course of action, the Ramah (E.H. 25:2) points out, according to the letter of the law, it is permitted to be amorous with one’s spouse engaging in almost any kind of physical activity except for a few basic restrictions. How does one know when it is best to choose the more pious and modest approach and when it is more helpful to the marriage and the individual well being to stick with the letter of the law?

Speaking as a therapist who has seen how these matters affect many marriages, I strongly believe finding the proper balance is key in this area of life. Each person is responsible to know how much abstention and restriction will really and truly work for him and his spouse, and how much will end up causing destruction and sin. It is easy to fool oneself in either direction. While we know a person can easily rationalize moral laziness by telling himself that he is not on a particular level, most are unaware that the opposite danger lurks as well. As Rabban Gamliel warned, “Not everyone who thinks he can take the mantle of extra piety is actually able to do so.” (Mishna Berachos 2:8). Perhaps this is what the Rabbi Yochanan meant when he said, “Whoever is haughty will end up becoming ensnared in adultery” (Sotah 4b). If you think you are such a zaddik, and you really are not, then you will cause either yourself or your spouse to sin. There is little point in extra piety and abstention in the bedroom if the person is acting out improperly outside of the bedroom. Similarly, if one's spouse is feeling deprived or frustrated, given the temptations of today’s internet society, this is a dangerous state of affairs.

Rabbennu Bechaye (Vayikra 11:43) draws a parallel between the value of abstention in eating and abstention in sexuality. Perhaps a good yardstick of one’s true ability to appropriately and meaningfully manage sexual abstention is to be mindful of one’s eating habits. If you like a good steak, and have difficulty controlling your appetite and waistline, perhaps if you try too hard to abstain from permitted forms of sexuality, you may be, quite literally, biting off more than you can chew. This brings to mind something a world renowned dayan and posek once told me: “There are two basic human desires: food and sexuality. Judging by the way many outwardly frum-looking people eat, it is fair to surmise that they are not doing such a great job in the other department as well!”
It is up to each individual person, in consultation with an experienced and mature rav to decide the exact nature of what should be encouraged in the bedroom and what should be more limited. In this spirit, it is important to study statements from Chazal that indicate an alternate view that sees engaging in satisfying sexual behavior as an appropriate way to manage impulses. The rest of this article will focus on some of these teachings to help bring balance and perspective and offer alternative approaches other than strict abstention for some who are in grave danger of succumbing to temptation...

There is a popular saying that it is easier to die sanctifying G-d’s name than it is live sanctifying G-d’s name. Dramatic and extreme acts are in some ways easier to do because of their finality and black and white nature. Rabbenu Yonah in Yesod Hateshuva remarks, that it is much easier to fast completely than it is to eat continuously with restraint in small amounts. It is much harder to live a life of moderation and balance, constantly re-evaluating what is the healthiest and appropriate choice to make than it is to condemn and disdain all forms of passionate expression. How many truly happily married people do you know? How many people do you know, who are married for decades, and still act as if they are in love and desire their spouses? Can the Shechina reside in a home where the husband and wife do not feel close or connected and do not share passion and love? Consider current events, the world we live in and all its temptations, take an honest look at yourself, and start making choices that move you toward passion and love in your life, so you can live al pi kiddush Hashem

markz not so good im gonnna start therapy asap