Shivisi_Hashem wrote on 28 Aug 2017 17:46:

I'm sorry, but for myself who is an addict and others who have these strong tendencies, "survive" is the wrong word. That is what several have been tryin' to say here and other places. We don't survive; we learn how to live life before, durin' and after an attack. We also learn how to live life before, durin' and after a fall. Survivin' is another word for white knucklin'. 

There are those who learn how to live to such an extent that they are hardly under attack, and it is those who learned how to live, not those who learned how to survive.

B'hatzlachah

I know how you feel. For me, it's a feeling that puts its hooks in my brain and says, "You have to look! You have to look!" If I resist, the voice says, "You're going to miss out! How can you miss this?" If I hold on for a few more seconds, the voice fades away into nothing. As time goes on and I accumulate more successes, I can resist the initial feeling and keep the hooks out of my brain with the knowledge that I can wait it out for a few seconds.

I can also relate to your other point. At some point I asked myself what is the ultimate goal of the staring and looking game. If a woman jumped in front of me and took off all her clothes would I then be happy? The answer is no. I would be more frustrated. The staring and looking game just adds frustration.

Another trick my mind likes to play is "There's nothing to see there. Why not take a look and prove it?" And that is a great example of addictive thinking. 

You will have to answer a lot of these questions yourself.  You may very well find that marriage helps you.  For someone who is an addict, marriage does not help.  Do you find that over time you need more or more intense acting out?  Meaning, is it getting worse over time? 

Do you think that there is an underlying emotional problem?  Do you have a healthy family life, childhood, friendships etc.?  Making sure that you have friends and that you stay busy with positive things can really help.  It could be a hobby, exercise, reading etc.

There are all sorts of people here.  If someone is really out of control, these things will not do the job.  But, for someone that has a bad habbit, they can really help.

We all have varying degress of bad habbit - addiction, and many levels of addiction.  That is why the handbook is helpful.  You can try some of the easier things and see if they help. If they do not, you may need something stronger.

I really look at it the same way a doctor would look at a headache.  First, he would tell you to take some Advil.  If that doesn't help, he would try something else.  He would not order a cat scan right away. That is only once he could not find any other plausable source.  I would approach this  the same way.  Try some basic, easy things first.  If they do not work, then try some things that are a bit more powerful.

I wish you all the best! Don't over think things too much.  Friendships are really golden and can help a lot in this area.

That's not what I am referring to when I say emotional. Everyone most definitely  has emotions in whatever they engage in whether good or bad . I was asking if what I was engaging in was to fill an emotional void in some other area. For example loneliness, bitterness, feeling worthless, or to get out the steam after a fight...

Aha I definitely understand you now...   (I think your very right about not wanting to label myself an addict mostly for me because that's makes it into a lifelong issue which is not redeeming at first thought)

Numis wrote on 28 Aug 2017 01:38:

Allow me to rephrase your question a little differently so I can answer that one. If I did not interpret your question correctly please let me know. 

You want to know if you are just a regular guy with a normal healthy desire for sex or if you're are addict beyond any control.

Allow me to say that at this point in time it doesn't matter. No matter whether it is an issue of addiction or healthy desire you should not be partaking on it at this time. My advice would be to start doing something as advised by other people here or found in the GYE handbook. See what works for you. If you find that the simpler tools and strategies are just not cutting it then maybe you need to try other things. By this practical method you can see where you are holding. Spending too much time in the beginning trying to diagnose yourself won't help you stay clean today.

If you are an addict don't feel fear of it as a label. It can be very liberating to put a name on something that has tortured you most of your life. By the same token don't jump to that label it has to make sense for you.

Numis wrote on 28 Aug 2017 01:38:

Can the answer be both? You have a very strong sexual desire (which is normal and healthy). You therefore emotionally have an interest in satisfying your urges.

Thank you for your clear insight. I would like to phrase my question differently so I can understand you more efficiently...
Is my porn and masturbation an emotional (no different than any other addict) issue or is it merely my hormones.ie sexual desire?    and Is there a practical difference ? (I think there is)

Hi there.

I'm looking for perspectives from people who relate to this. I have a real addiction issue (masturbation, fantasy and porn when it's available) and have tried for years to stop, unsuccessfully. I used to feel tremendous guilt and pain after acting out. That was till therapy, a few years ago when I stopped beating myself up. But I still can't control it. Instead I have accepted it, resigned to this being part of my life. Intellectually I know it's wrong and damaging, and occasionally I feel remorse. But it's not enough to stop me - the pleasure simply outweighs the pain right now. I feel like my life's overall manageable despite it affecting some of my daily functioning and relationships (staying up all night can do that...) and I was told that's the reason I wasn't able to get much out of SA.  

I do want to become more motivated towards change. It's why I joined GYE - I know that real change won't happen by itself. I'm not ready to take big leaps but I want to move in the right direction. 

Is there hope?

I'm open to hearing people's stories and learning from them. If you did not share this experience but want to give advice, you can. I'm just not sure that's what I need... 

I probably don't need to ask this, but please keep your responses non-judgmental and non-critical.

Thanks!

Day #5

It's still been pretty good, although not as easy as yesterday. I had a couple minor urges (which in the past would have definitely been a fall) but nothing major.  Besides for the addictive behavior, I think that there is also a big element of pure habit.  Whenever I was sitting by myself, I used to fall, but now that impulse (not even the aspect of reward from it) is being changed slowly.

See everyone on day 6! 

Numis wrote on 27 Aug 2017 20:13:

Shlomo pointed out that if your wife is there to scratch your itch, that is not mutually beneficial, it is you taking. Obviously if the relationship and sex is mutual it is quite beautiful. So if you have a problem then marriage will not alleviate it. On the contrary, the stresses of marriage will only make it worse.

However at this point in time you are not married, so the hypothetical situation of when you are married will not help you in your goal of stopping to masturbate at this time. Focusing on the task at hand will make it much easier than if you are focusing on things beyond your control.

Best of luck

I just read an old chizzuk email. It quotes Dov saying how all addictions are stupid. It is something that drives me crazy. I know in my heart and head that masturbating will not fix any problem and only make me feel better for a few fleeting seconds. And whenever I stare at a girl in the street it always strikes me as so what. Yes she has has nice xyz how does that help me at all. Does me no good and doesn't even make me feel good. It is all so stupid. And yet there I go going for a second look and a third, knowing the whole time what a pointless exercise it is. I just can't stop myself.

Welcome. I can really relate to the mind numbing use of books and TV/ movies. I have dealt with that completely aside from the pornography aspect. I read a book that made me realize that both "addictions" can be coming from the same place. I speak only about my personal situation and can't speak for anyone else. Each person has to find out about themselves in the ways that works for them. 

Whatever you choose to do, here or anywhere else, I wish you the best. Take a look around here and see what works for you. 

Welcome again. 

Thank you. I definitely hear what your saying but isn't there a healthy sex intrest in every human that leads them to have sex? People don't have sex just to have kids obviously...
(this is actually very relevant to me because I struggle if I have an emotional issue or just a overheated sex drive...)

Hello Everybody,

​I don't think my story is unusual and I'm sure that the emotional cause for my addiction is similar to everyone else. I am addicted to the internet, not really to porn, although that does play a part. I am hooked to videos, tv series youtube etc. without anyway of stopping. It is really screwing up my life.

​I come from a typical yeshivahs background and I was a typical guy until age 21 when I had my first episode of bi-polar. From then I have not been on the yeshivahs conveyer belt. I got married at 23, and divorced almost straight away. (I prefer not to give too many details.) Since then I have been in Koller and then joined one of the top UK Universities.

My struggle with addiction: For year I have struggled with escapism on the internet. There has been some porn involved, but it's definitely not my main issue. I just watch movies and TV series all day long anything to help me escape. When I can't watch because it is out of my filter hours, or it is Shabbos I will read novels. these movies and novels are mind-numbing and ruining my life. I have had to take over a year out of university because of my addiction. It is eating up my life.

I want this post to be the start of my recovery, 1 step at a time. I'm off to a chavrusa now, see you guys later!