yitzchokm wrote on 01 May 2025 23:53:

I've often considered taking a shot every time I had an urge for porn or masturbation. That way I could replace my sexual addiction with an equally unhealthy but much more socially acceptable alcohol addiction. And then it would be so much easier to get the help I need.

The catch is that when I'm drunk I'm much more likely to actually give in to those urges for porn and masturbation. So I'd just end up with 2 problems. But I'm convinced that it's a workable mehalech.

Switching porn for alcohol and tobacco is essentially switching one addiction for another. You won't become sober this way. Changing the chemical imbalance of addiction requires internal work.

modeani99 wrote on 01 May 2025 15:20:

Hi MA, 

I feel terrible for you. I know the feeling all too well. 

I am reposting an old post from my previous incarnation in hopes that you can take something out of it, 




A big bustling office with a few yiden and lots of Porto Rican and Dominican young women. 
Sits a very lonely and hypersexualized Yungerman who has been addicted to sex for 15 years, but has never been with an other women besides his wife. He craves attention and love. Knows how to sweet talk anyone he wants to get with. 
He is searching for someone who is halfway attractive that he can at least fantasize about, he needs to feel that rush, that excitement, that thrill.
For awhile, he finds nobody interesting, untill he saw her once. A wild untamed Porto Rican girl. She is on fire, funny, and she seems to like him. 
This starts a few years of fun talks, texting, chatting, flirting, fantasies and excitement. 
She offered him a million times to at least hug or kiss him, he was torn to pieces between his infatuation to this women and his actual wife whom he loved deeply, but never developed that kind of open and deep relationship. Plus he thinks of himself as en erliche yungerman who would never touch another women, let alone a GOYTA! So he is ripped to shreds every day. 
It got so bad that he started questioning his whole belief system, why cant he touch her? who says its a problem? does he even believe in anything anymore?!! 
He had to go down real deep to figure out that YES! he believes in everything a yid needs to believe and this is not something he will ever do. But the triggers are still there. What to do? Hashem took the problem away suddenly, she left that job from 1 day to the other. So no more daily interactions BH! 

But they still spoke randomly, they saw each other now and then, she called him "my boo" she even gave him a Spanish version of his Yidish Name.

Then came the catalyst, the company made their annual holiday party, everyone comes dressed (read undressed) to the tee. All made up and flirty.
She was also invited to the party even though she didnt work there anymore. Of course he was so excited a whole night that his crush is there he couldnt think clearly. She was drunk of out of her mind
The music started playing a dace song and everyone started dancing, the yiden weren't partaking in the dance. 
But she came over to him and begged him to dance with her, he refused, she was adamant, come on its just dancing. He was indescribably torn and broken. But he still resolved himself, No, im sorry, i cant, he said. All night he was tossing and turning about this. what the hell is wrong with him?

The next morning, he sent made up his mind, he snet her an email before he can change it back. 
In it he basically said that this is not working for him, he cant do this anymore, and good bye. 
She sent back something hurtful that he cant remember. But that was it. It hurt for a long time, But he is happy and thanks Hashem that he didnt let him fall into that pit of hell.  

There are some things you can't share without ending up liking each other, and grouching alongside fellow porn addicts knocking out a twelve-foot mountain troll - is one of them ~ Harry

ish migrodno wrote on 01 May 2025 05:02:

Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex, British royal, military veteran, and humanitarian said that?
It most deff wasnt The Chosen One...........He is holier than thou. 

Dear(less) azivashacheit101,
I dont care that you paradox'd us. 
I dont even care that its not a real word. JK Rowling also made up words. 
Where the heaven do you get the Hutzpa to come in here, the only place left in the world where someone can be themself and say it as it is, and make this a happy place? yuch! 
Where else can i go and complain to fellow normal's (also a word)??? 
Are we just supposed to be all Happy-going, Botox-faced, smile plastered, eyes-twinkling, pot-bellied, Santa-clause? 

There has been enough joking around here to last for a while. Enough already. 
Lets get back to griping, complaining, *itching, grouching, yelling, and that sort of stuff, that stuff thats good for you.

wannachange wrote on 01 May 2025 02:20:

Dear WC,

Happy to hear that it works. I will explain a bit more. 
Being addicted to sexual arousal is just as or more addictive than Alcohol or Drugs. The body/brain gets a incredible dose of ''feel good'' hormones. And that makes us feel relaxed and high at the same time.......... So of course we want more and more of that. Its not just our minds wanting it, its more that the brain/body crave it, so by fighting it and telling yourself "dont look, what if you get aroused, what if you act on it" or any other scare tactics, you wont get anywhere. Its already in you, if you fight it, you are thinking about it more not less. The trick is to be cool and logical. 

Yes, it feels good, my brain and body will get that sweet sweet drug that will make everything taste better......
Yes, its normal to feel this way, everyone has desires to one degree or other, maybe mine is higher or maybe not, no way of knowing for sure. 
But, I know the facts of what and whom im hurting by looking or continuing the fantasy in my mind, everyone. Hashem, Myself, My wife, kids, parents, Kedusha in general. 
Now, I have a choice to make, do I look/fantasies and have that short lived enjoyment and than pay the terrible price. 
Or, I will move on, knowing that NOTHING will happen if i do. Normally, you will forget about the trigger in less than a minute. 

However, when we are stressed/tired/angry/lonely, etc, its harder to stay cool calm and collected. so its easier to fall into the laziness trap where we do whats easier in the moment an throw caution to the wind. So being prepared before going someplace where u know might be challenging will make it much easier. 

Practicing this over and over will completely rewire your way of thinking about triggers. Eventually, it will become natural.  

i agree with you that having friends is a very important thing in life, especially for people like us. 
Many guys on here say that they dont have friends. These things are connected. 

P.S. I have 0 friends........................

Good luck

Chancy Hakuten

There are some things you can't share without ending up liking each other, and grouching alongside fellow porn addicts is one of them ~ Harry

wow thanks for the chizuk!
a few things to add
* relationship with wife improving weekly
* we had the most successful erev shabbat and shabbat ever by wife successfully identifying sharing her needs and me listening and giving in a way that helps the entire family
* kids doing much better (5 y/o started ADHD meds which are going pretty well)
* doing daily stepwork and daily gym is helping my physical and mental health a lot. 
* getting much better at making boundaries, and enforcing them
* believing in myself more
* believing in my marriage more
* being less judgmental

overall doing great, still struggling with the addiction/escape jumping from place to place, now it's stuck at watching shows. but overall on an upward trend

I am going to a Jewish Spiritual Shabbaton in two weeks and am really looking forward. it'll be the second time we go as a couple. first time was super overwhelming but this time seems like it will be amazing since we are more mentally prepared and have a functional care plan for our kids. 

Ahhh. Reflecting back on where I started in my recovery journey, I am in a different universe. 

Also gotta give gratitude to HHM for getting me into the 12 step program. Took three weeks until I got sober enough to realize where I was. I remember coming down from a high about three weeks into AA in the second floor of  church with some chasidim and some goyim and reading the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and thinking "how the hell did I get here?" I most definately know now how I got there. 

Life is good (although it's also fun to kvetch)  

Hey littleman, I'm so happy you've found the place where I and many others have had our lives tremendously changed. I want to share a bit of my ABDL journey with you.First of all, over the years, I've found many other of our Yiddish brothers who are struggling with this. I've even found some in their 50s. All of them told me that this is something that gets worse with age and that there's nothing to stop it. I witnessed this myself for many years until Hashem gave me the best thing in the world: the guidance to reach out for help here on GYE and in the Yiddish forum. The older I got, the more fantasies I had, and the more miserable my life became as I did more and more reckless things.
After I got here and opened up to my dayan and talked to Relief, they all advised me to see a sex addiction therapist. Even though I could have sworn that my ABDL side had nothing to do with sex at all (and I still don't understand why many ABDLs say that in the first while when they reach out for help, but it's a fact), I eventually trusted them and started seeing a sex addiction therapist. I've been with him for almost two years now, and the changes have been huge. I don't want to trigger anyone by talking specifically about what used to trigger me, but I can tell you it's been a miracle. Things that used to consume my thoughts for days or weeks after I accidentally saw them now barely register. I'm still working through my ABDL tendencies with my therapist's guidance, and slowly, I'm getting free of them. It's impossible to describe the feeling of slowly emerging from the big ABDL prison into a free life where I'm gaining control of myself. As I'm typing this, tears are welling up when I remember where I've come from. Yes, it's not an easy way out, and I'm still not completely free, but it's worth going through everything and spending all the money to be where I am now, and b'ezrat Hashem, it keeps getting better.Over the past two years, I've connected with other ABDLs who are also getting help and making good progress. From my perspective, the best results come from going to a sex addiction therapist.
I love you, holy brother, and I'm so excited that you've found this lovely place. I'm sure that you can and WILL come out of this in the end by doing the work, just like many others have.

Feel free to ask me or to reach out to me, I'll beither very happy to answer and help you with wht I can. I'm willing to share you specific parts of my (our) struggle if that will help, just reach out in private 

chancyhk wrote on 28 Apr 2025 17:43:

I dont know....sure felt like an attraction to me....
Would love to be able to utilize this "trick". Little hard to imagine though. Basically just to think that oh its ok I have the attraction but I dont need to chase it and thats ok, thats life. Oh well. I guess I need to work on my selfcontrol because that sounds really hard

Oi Vy!
FIrst of all, please dont call yourself sick! You are not Sick BH. You have desires and fantasies and dreams and what not. That doesnt make you sick. 

Ill tell you a secret, it very highly possible that you are not even so attracted to that guy, ive seen lots of times when we try to fight the desire because it makes us feel sick and we keep fighting it, then the thought will persevere, and eventually it will find a way in. Ive seen this over and over. 

its the same with regular SA. Sometimes you can see a women and my first response is oh god am i attracted to her? And i will try to find a reason to not be attracted but my mind will then find something that does attract me. The best trick is to tell yourself "Maybe that person is attractive, maybe not. I will never find out not do i realy want to. Yes, there is a part of me that wants to feel that pleasure and thats ok, but i dont need to go and follow that thought all the way to hell.....

Its the same way someone with a eating addiction would think when seeing a delicious dessert. Yes, it looks great, i know how it feels, but i dont need to go there. I can move on with my life. 

Its just our brains are stuck in this mode of seeking that pleasure. We just need to train the brain different ways of thinking.

Love

what is a clean show?
every so often i come across a post where the poster writes that they only watch "clean shows".  that gets me wondering, what is a clean show?  its been over three years since i have watched any show.  probably haven't listened to the radio for about as long.  As i moved away from using those modes of entertainment, it became increasingly clear to me that there are triggers embedded in the cleanest of shows.  for someone that was an addict for anything stimulating, those triggers were daily poison, subtly getting into my head and taking over my subconscious.  Even the tones and mannerisms could be a trigger.  I understand the need for entertainment.  i spent many hours binging on "clean" shows as well as shows that pushed the limits as far as possible.  For me, breaking free includes the fact that i will never waste my time with these shows again.  I gained absolutely nothing from the hundreds or thousands of hours that i wasted.  Now, I look for productive and satisfying activities to occupy my down time (if i should need it.)  I would not be able to enjoy any of those shows without feeling a tremendous loss of kedusha.   I am not condemning anyone that watches shows.  I just wanted to point out that life without those outside influences might just be a lot more satisfying. If it is too hard to stop cold turkey, it might help to start phasing it out slowly.

wishing you tremendous success
vehkam

I don't struggle with porn usage on a daily basis. However I fall every couple of months. When I fall I can't get back up. Rath. Ir I stay in bed watching television. Other then when I fall, I don't watch television because I know it is below me. However after I fall and am already feeling low I can watch tv. This leads me to stay in bed the next 2-3 days just watching tv barely davening (including fully missing tefilos and krias shema). It seems that I also have a tv addiction. Eventually I have to get out of bed. Firstly, I want to know what people think about getting up after staying down from a fall for so long. Additionally, I want to hear some dvrei chizuk about how to stay away from television eventhough it may be clean.

chaimoigen wrote on 25 Apr 2025 13:26:

Money.

Thank you R' Chaim

There's a saying in program that goes something along the lines of "All of my best wisdom is what got me into this room." The idea is that you need to do the program and follow what people in program tell you instead of making up your own program and following your own brain that does not know how to get out of addiction.

At the same time - I think in order to be successful I need to take my character, my strengths, my weaknesses - every part of me - and bring it into
program to use it to work the steps, to learn from the wisdom of those who walked before me and to work on surrendering to and connecting to my Higher Power.

I'm grateful that I was able to go to an SA meeting and laugh at & let go of some of the crazy things I have done in my addictive acting out.
I'm grateful that my apartment will be painted and cleaned tomorrow.
I'm grateful for eyesight especially the fact that I can see and appriciate nature, including a deep blue sky, beaches, water, mountains, trees, grass and flowers.
I'm grateful for my fingernails.