chooseurname wrote on 22 Mar 2024 17:33:

I asked my Rov this was his reply

"Little Red Riding Hood" offers several timeless lessons that can be interpreted through various lenses, including the struggle against desires and the dangers of addiction. A moral that resonates with the theme of resisting temptation, especially in the context of lust or addiction, revolves around the importance of self-awareness and the vigilance needed to guard against deceit and harmful impulses.

In the tale, Little Red Riding Hood is given specific instructions by her mother to stay on the path and go directly to her grandmother's house. However, she is tempted off the path by the wolf, who represents danger and deceit. This diversion can be likened to the lure of addictive behaviors or desires, which often promise satisfaction or adventure but lead away from safety and well-being.

The wolf's deception and eventual confrontation with Little Red Riding Hood serve as a powerful allegory for the dangers of succumbing to temptation. Just as the wolf disguises himself to prey upon the unsuspecting girl, so too can addictive desires masquerade as harmless or enticing, leading individuals away from their goals and into peril.

From this, we can derive a moral about the importance of adhering to one's principles and remaining vigilant against the allure of harmful desires. It teaches the value of listening to wise counsel, being aware of the consequences of our choices, and the importance of recognizing and resisting deceitful temptations that may lead us astray. This story underscores the necessity of self-discipline and the courage to face and overcome challenges, reinforcing the message that true strength lies in the ability to stay true to one's path and values, even in the face of seductive distractions.

I sent a message to the text guy, and he gave me a list of questions to determine if I'm a addict and I checked out with almost all of them, so he recommended looking into 12 step program, so that's why I'm wondering if also F2F will help me

DavidT wrote on 16 Mar 2022 16:55:

As It's written above:
Let's take advantage of this Purim to pray to Hashem that all our great friends on GYE (and the rest of klal yisroel) should be able to accomplish their goals and keep on growing in Avodas Hashem...

The F2F program rewires the brain for most people. Someone who is a real addict might sometimes need the 12 steps program but what makes you say that you are a real addict? I tried stopping for 3 decades without success before joining GYE and taking the F2F program. I had zero control over my desires and I was sure that it was an addiction but in the end I wasn't a real addict. I took the program and became a free man. For most people the F2F program, the book The Battle of the Generation, the forum and reaching out to friends is enough to break free. If you haven't tried all of these with determination for a longer period of time I don't know whether you should jump to the next level of the 12 steps program. Breaking free is a process and it takes time, but if you do everything I mentioned you will probably break free. Here is the link to the ebook: https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation

I suggest that you reach out to the main mentor, Hashem Help Me, at michelgelner@gmail.com and discuss your plan with him. He has helped many people including myself and you won't regret it.

Keep us posted on how it goes. Keep on posting and sharing and make friends. Rooting for you.

I don't think so. But is the flight to freedom also for addicts or just for non addicts?

First of all, What sort of name is Humpty Dumpty? Is Dumpty is his surname?- but then why does it get mentioned again in the second line?,and if not then why in the last line do we only call him Humpty? Then, the meforshim are masbir that he's an egg, what's the ufto in that? And why make a big deal about him sitting on a wall, he could have been sitting anywhere? Also, it says he "had a great fall" instead of just saying he fell. Why? Also, what's the havaa amina that the kings horses can help out? 

מוכח לכאורה all of this is actually a mashal for dealing with tough stuff in life, like addiction. The name being Humpty Dumpty is miloshon Humps and Bumps - ups and downs, we all go through ups and downs in life. Humpty Dumpty was a regular guy. The meforshim masbir that he was an egg to explain the nekuda of why davka a wall. Eggs don't sit on walls, that's a dangerous place for them. Sitting on that wall is like living life on the edge, taking risks when we maybe shouldn't. And when they say he "had a great fall," it's not just about tripping over; it knocked him out to the point of no return. "All the kings horses and men", horses refer to physical koach and men refer to intellectual strength. As long as it was the kings, not his own, he was hoping for someone else to do the work for him, nothing would help. That's about how sometimes, we try all sorts of ways to get better, but it's the inside work, the mental and spiritual stuff, that really does the trick. And that's pshat why at the end we only call him Humpty. He was too prideful to realize his own weaknesses, and only saw his Humpty part, couldn't take responsibility for his actions and his dumps, and therefore he is still there broken in pieces.

Avada all of you GYE's are the epitome of hard work and humbleness, acceptance and dedication, but we can take the lesson to heart and keep up our good work!!

May we all have an uplifting Purim!

Here is a letter that someone shared with me. (I am posting it with his permission) 

Hi lust addiction. I don't know if you’re an addiction or a big Y”H or something else, and I don’t really care.  
What I do know is that I hate you and you hate me. You have been so mean to me for so many years. You keep on fooling me and pulling me into your traps. 

You are pure evil, but I am a fool! 

You have conditioned my brain to think that there is something to be gained by gazing at inappropriate things and fantasizing. You are a big liar! Not only is there nothing to be gained but there is so much to be lost!  You took away from me so many hours of life! You made me feel like a piece of trash! You took away my passion for learning and davening! How evil can you be?! 

But all you do is come again with the same lie and somehow you manage to fool me again. 
I might be crazy but I’m not stupid. Enough is enough. 
I want life! You offer only death and destruction!   
You might be much stronger than me as you’ve proven in the past but you are all about darkness and there is a power stronger than you. A bit of light pushes away a lot of darkness.

I beg you, please leave me alone. Please don’t fool me anymore. I don’t want to know you any more.
Now is the time to say: Good bye and good riddance! I’m telling you clearly “I hate you!, you’re pure evil! What you offer is disgusting and I hate it!”



Hashem, you created the world. You created me. You created lust. You want me to come closer to you.
I thank you Hashem for all the times that I was able to stay strong in the face of temptation. I thank you for all other great blessings that you’ve bestowed upon me. I know you don’t owe me anything and I owe you everything. But you are my father, and ONLY you can help me. Please help me! I can’t do this myself! I am literally drowning! The waters have risen till above my broken yearning soul!
If it’s a sickness, please help me heal. If its sin, please forgive me and help me repent.
If it’s a weakness, please strengthen me!
If there’s nothing to do about it, why do I need life?

I know you will help me. I am relying on you. I will never give up! Thank you Hashem!

anu_rayasecha wrote on 15 Mar 2024 11:59:

Maybe take a look at this: guardyoureyes.com/live 

Wondering if the 12-step program is for you?

• Always saying "this will be the last time," yet you're stuck in the same loop?
• Constantly feeling like you're juggling two lives and dreading exposure?
• If you can relate, the 12-Step Program could be your road to recovery.
• guardyoureyes.com/live/form 

I'm very certain about being an addict based on Dov's audio shiurim.  I've tried the tools and they work until they fail and I crash harder than before.  My brain craves the fix that is P & M.  Try as I may, I can fight an urge off for a day.  But my brain is still working on it and it comes back the next day even harder.  The powerful message of Dov's talks is that an addiction can't be beat in private.  I need accountability with a group.

Welcome to a wonderful place, my friend! There's lots to learn here, so please stick around. Make yourself comfortable, read around, and make friends that pick you up. 
P.s. Who decided you're an addict? MAybe you just have strong bad habits that you haven't learned the tools to control? Not challenging, just asking:)

I'm 43, married with 4 kids, and I have an addiction to P & M, going back to adolescence.  No need to spare you the story.  I'm a BT but this problem has never gone away with my otherwise life-altering religious journey.  I felt guilty before and now as well.  The time wasted, and the growing inability to see any female without impure thoughts.

No web filter will ever work for me because I'm an addict.  I can get past them all.  Nothing can shield me from public images or simply a human female that passes by.  I even tried nedarim, but I started breaking them after a year.  I need a new approach.

Addiction can't be beat without accountability.  Nobody knows about my problem to my knowledge but Hashem.  So this is my start.  I intend to post updates here regularly.  And if I don't, please hound me!

(I chose the name Anu_rayasecha, which means "we are your friend," referring to Hashem, from YK davening.  It brings me to tears when reciting it, to know that Hashem can be so close to us on that one day, and yet I will soon enough fall from that spiritual height and throw away a relationship with the Ribono Shel Olam.)

A Freilechen Adar to all!! After lurking on GYE for awhile, noshing on some of what it has to offer, I finally feel it's the right time to get involved in posting. For starters, I decided to post  primarily because I feel that if one guy in my situation chances upon this thread and realizes there is hope and is not the only one in this situation and gets inspired to change it is already worth it. Additionally, I now have come to understand the importance of having a "chevra". Having people to talk/chat with, those that have gone through similar struggles, and hearing their story and how they are powering(/powered) forward, isn't just a "maalah" for me in dealing with my own struggle, rather I feel it is a necessity (at least for me) to surmount this seemingly impossible challenge. That being said, there is no better way in reaching out to the chevra than here. I welcome all to reach out to me, not that I can offer assistance rather I would appreciate getting to know some (who were) in my situation so we can trek through this journey together. 

So here goes.... I am a married yungerman in my 20s living the dream in Eretz Yisroel learning three sedorim a day, My journey started out at about age 11 or 12 when I noticed the attraction that I had towards females. Whether it would be neighbors, relatives, or even random people I encountered there was just some draw. Obviously, I didn't know what to make of it besides for just acknowledging the aforementioned as a fact of life that had a good feeling to it. As my body matured, so did this desire of pleasure develop. Next stage was taking in those unsolicited advertisement circulars (a real shame those signs stating that it's unlawful weren't around yet lol) searching for all the "sales" in the stores I never knew existed, hoping to catch a sight of a partially or mostly naked woman. During my high school years it was more of the same, balancing being the top of my class and making sure I can appease the other side of myself every so often. I felt (notice the past tense here) that I had this urge stronger than anyone in my class and in fact probably anyone I knew (didn't we all?) and my method of coping was just shelving it to one side of my brain knowing it was assur and I'll pay for it one day but  just thinking I cant help myself. I fully delved myself  (or so I thought) into learning as a distraction to this uncomfortable feeling; living with this ever present subconscious (at times not so sub) weight of guilt, shame, and other feelings including living a fake reality. Just to clarify, I wasn't masturbating daily and most times not even weekly but I definitely had a hard time with my wandering eyes in the streets, especially during the hotter months. Although it wasn't noticeable on the outside I definitely was living a guarded life, not just living calmly and relaxed. It was more of the same for me when I went to Beis Medrash (yes it was that one) just keeping it all inside me as I continued just being one of the guys. Bein hazmanim I managed to use devices from my parents to get my fix, of course just kosher YouTube clips, like talent shows and game shows, as if I was into those cute dogs or cool card tricks and not the contestants or judges.... Moving on to E"Y (of course  coming from which B"M I went to it's not even a question where I went) it was a new place but same results. I just resigned myself to the fact that I'll probably live with this struggle forever and just can't get bogged down from it. I conveniently trained myself to put all these feelings on autoignore. I actually never watched porn until I was in E"Y when I unfortunately had access for a limited time. Being opened up to that new dimension definitely magnified my feelings as I never felt more guilty and twofaced after allowing myself to indulge in that. As I've written numerous times already (even in this one post) my automatic coping method was just forcing myself to shove my feelings into a compartment in my brain and just carry on regular life. "Of course marriage will heal this issue", I thought, as after all I wont need to search anywhere else to get satisfaction. B"h I got married to this wonderful girl "ala maalos" and kudos to her she is hands down the only reason why I am where I am today (which is on the way to recovery) but I am getting a bit ahead of myself. Shana Reshona was bliss! Definitely took R' Pitter's (yes I was "not yeshivish" enough to go to him)  mehalech to the max ("vehameivan yavin"). I thought that maybe just maybe I was all clear. Alas, it was not meant to be. Shortly after our second anniversary (and first child) my wife got sick. B"H it's in the rear view mirror now but it definitely was a huge stress running from Dr. to Dr. and from this hospital to the other. It was then that my struggle came back to haunt me. We had an iPhone just for my wife's job and it was basically sitting useless so I started playing around with it a bit. It had google restrictions on it so was basically blocked. I still managed to find some apps that had access to videos or clips of women but nothing too bad. Eventually, I found some loophole (b"h it took me that long to find) that gave me unlimited access. I started with the basics I guess but eventually my draw was to chat with other girls on an online site. Maybe more on that a different time and what my therapist says about that. It definitely took a big toll on my marriage as my wife had sensed something was off but just couldn't put her finger on it. Thankfully after a while of spending nights staying up "learning" after my wife went to sleep, and "napping" during bein hasdarim, spending hours upon hours chatting (mostly with one girl) I was caught!!! Looking back (it's around 8-9 months now) it was the best thing that could've happen. First step was we spoke to our rav together (side note: it is extremely important to have someone in your life that can guide you, not necessarily a rav). Honestly, I wasn't  fully open with him so he just prescribed the basic dose of filtering all devices and learning some seforim on the "inyan". I was basically whiteknuckling my way through life and eventually figured out  a way to continue contacting her albeit on a drastically reduced scale. Finally, I was caught again and was given the ultimatum either I find a way to get helped or......... So I began to see a therapist weekly and life was sort of getting back in order. One day maybe I'll get into the "yesod" that he thinks is the basis of my struggle. Either way, I was going religiously for awhile and my wife also bought in to my work and our relationship was definitely on the mend. Life back to normal? Not so fast! After a few months the bubble sort of popped and my wife was not managing. She didn't know why really but she just wasn't herself. After going to the rebbitzen to speak over her feelings it was decided that she would also begin seeing a therapist. That is when it all unraveled! Her therapist decided that I must be an addict and anything less than going to the 12 steps was just simply a waste of time and money. Additionally, she started to go to SA-NON because that was the "only" thing that can possibly help her. Those meetings definitely exposed her to things that were totally unnecessary for her to ever find out about. My therapist is convinced that  his method can be just as effective for me and  was unwavering in his approach. As you can probably imagine this caused a tremendous distance between us in our relationship and we went through a really rough time. This was the hardest time in my life. I decided something must be done so when all else fails you turn to GYE! I Want to give a shoutout to IWANNALIVEREAL who texted me literally the first day I signed up and I just let his text gather dust until then. We schmoozed for awhile and he gave me someone on my time zone to speak with. R' Yiftach as some of you might know, a champion in his own right, helped me tremendously even just for the fact that we're in similar positions in life and can relate to each other. The chain continues and I was introduced to a "malach" who's living in our midst HHM. I think he is in everyone's time zone as there's never a time I cant call. It's not only that he's available for me he is also there for my wife as we have both spoken numerous times already and we truly feel as there is someone that is taking care of "our" journey as if we are his only case. More than this is that we just feel his genuine care and compassion towards us and it is truly heartwarming. I definitely have my eyes on a few more people here that i plan on reaching out to in the coming days. I feel as if I have already written too much of a longwinded introduction to my struggle so ill sign off for now but I want to leave off with an important message. The mere fact that I have people to talk to about my struggle and during an urge, is simply mind-blowing as to how far it goes in being able to withstand the temptations. I'm not here to give any ideas or opinions on how to navigate your struggle but one thing I am definitely qualified for is this. I'm pleading with all those struggling out there who feel lost and alone please gather the courage to text or call someone you feel you can relate to here as you have no idea how far you can get to with someone else giving you their hand or even just a loving hug. So long for now.
-Yaakov from Yerushalaim (#onthewaybackhome)   

מן המצר קראתי י-ה.
From the depths of my addiction I call to you Hashem. I see no way out. I've tried so hard and I just can't stop.
ענני במרחב י-ה
Hashem answered me and showed me I'm not stuck. There are tools, tricks, and plans I can use. There's a way out of this mess and a light at the end of the tunnel. 
ה לי לא אירא. מה יעשה לי אדם
Yetzer hara thinks he's got me, but I'm not scared. Hashem is going to help me and I'll never fall again.
 ה לי בעוזרי. ואני אראה בשנאי
Hashem is going to help me, and I will be victorious over the yetzer hara, over the porn that's shackled me down. I will see their defeat!
: טוב לחסות בה'. מבטח באדם טוב לחסות בה'. מבטח בנדיבים:
(this line I associate with other matters, namely parnasa. But it can be applied to this line of thinking too)
כל גוים סבבוני. בשם ה כי אמילם:
All my plans aren't working. My hard learnt techniques are failing. Hashem! help me and I will win this.
סבוני גם סבבוני. בשם ה כי אמילם
It's not getting any easier. Why isn't it getting easier?? Hashem it's  so hard. Please. help me. I will win this with your help! 
סבוני כדבורים. דעכו כאש קוצים. בשם ה כי אמילם:
Hashem I'm burning with desire! I feel it in my bones, more real to me than anything else. It's tearing at me - I can't sleep I can't relax I can't distract myself I can't do anything please please hashem help me. why won't it stop
דחה דחיתני לנפל
  -I can't. I'm going to fall -

this is where I'm holding now.

Now we turn to the future that will come and speak in the prophetic tense - recognizing the inevitable future..
. וה' עזרני:
Hashem saved me.
עזי וזמרת י-ה. ויהי לי לישועה:
Now life is beautiful. Now I sit, with peace and sing the songs of redemption.
קול רנה וישועה באהלי צדיקים. ימין ה עשה חיל: ימין ה רוממה. ימין ה עשה חיל:
In my house the sounds of artificial pleasure are not heard anymore. Now is the sound of redemption and rejoicing. Hashem lifts me up. And up. And up. over all my problems and enemies.
 לא אמות כי אחיה. ואספר מעשי י-ה
I have a life now 
 יסור יסרני י-ה. ולמות לא נתנני:
It's so tough. It hurts so much. I'm losing so many battles, but I will never lose the war
פתחו לי שערי צדק.
Now! Open up you gates of righteousness. Open up gates of gan eden. Stand to the side tzadakim and righteous people and make way for me, I'm coming through with my head held high. I belong here and I am worthy!y
אבא בם אודה י-ה:
I will come through to praise hashem for saving me from this tzar.
זה השער לה'. צדיקים יבאו בו:
This is the gate of hashem. Only the righteous may come through it. And I am walking through it soon.

Even a small step in the right direction is still a step in the right direction.

B"H things are going well, no crazy struggles just the usual day to day. Looking forward to purim and hopefully some purity beyond.
I have started to work on the mindset that people have different struggles. That's the way Hashem made it, people have different situations with varying sets of challenges. In my situation with the upbringing, which had nothing against watching movies and many of them inappropriate (not porn but it definitely paved the road) and my friends growing up all of whom were openly involved in P and M, and my exposure of having a smartphone and being hooked on porn for so long, it is very normal that I have a large struggle to break free. But... this doesn't mean that everyone around me went through the same upbringing, had the same group of friends, and had the same exposure. And for people who didn't it may be very normal for them not to have such a difficult time breaking away and not looking at women in the streets and not thinking about sex every five seconds.
And thats ok.
Because I am who Hashem made me, I was put in these situations by Hashem and He handcrafted my nisyonos for me.
Basically for myself all I need in normalizing the struggle is to know that I'm normal, even if most other people didn't go through my situation and therefore don't have the same sets of challenges that I do. This mindset makes it a lot easier to walk around yeshiva and accept that not every guy I talk to is addicted to pornography. Even if they were exposed to it before, it's very possible they had an easier time breaking out, or maybe they were never exposed to real porn *gasp* (Is that even possible ?!?).
I hope this is helpful for others who have found themselves in similar situations.
May Hashem continue to guide us across this minefield of a world in which He put us.

Do you think it’s easier to stop when you have a wife?

At this point, I’m not ashamed of my habit because I know so many people have it. And if they aren’t watching it, then they probably have some other thing they need to deal with. I’ve even talked to some of my female friends about it and offhand conversations.

The reason I’d come back to it is because I crave love. I don’t come from an orthodox background, but identify with a struggle.

I think it’s good that you told her. If she’s super just, mentally, you have to explain to her that it’s incredibly common these days. For every girl who develops body image problems because of social media, a guy develops a port addiction.