empoweredowl90 wrote on 16 Sep 2024 16:56:

We will all tell you your not a rasha. dont think youll believe us. Reach out to HHM

empoweredowl90 wrote on 16 Sep 2024 16:56:

you did not get refused.  very often, people in your circumstances pasken for themselves that they are a rasha.  This is a trick out of the yetzer hara's playbook and it is not true at all.  As soon as you recognize in yourself that you are really a mevakesh to do ratzon hashem despite your perceived failings, it will become much easier to connect to hashem and resist this yetzer hara.

wishing you tremendous hatzlocha
vehkam

Berushus all the Tzaddikim and Talmedi Chacham on this forum.I wright this with glimmer of hope maybe this is the end of the road!           
Here is my story......I got involved with these inyanim at the age of 12(Porn, masturbation).I had access to many unfiltered devices for over 4 years were my addiction got worse and worse and worse............I tried everything from kenas to fliters to reaching out to experts but i saw no long term success.
  A little bit about how everyone else viewed me.I was the perfect bochur a very clever mind and in truth a big masmid a budding talmud chachum,I learnt with guys way older then me,Rosh Yeshivis sons,Rabbis.I was the guy that if you have a kasha on the gemera i got asked.A very social guy friends with everyone.
I looked like i had everything,but i feel like i have nothing, on the inside I'm crushed and destroyed.
One of the things that upset me the most is it feel like hashem has giving up on me.The famous gemera in kidushin says someone that goes to purify oneself hashem helps them. I have the strongest kasha on that Gemera I have tried to purify myself countless times just to name a few attempts filtering my phone calling experts throwing out many devices etc......And i dont see the siyata  dismaya the gemera talkes about at all........???!!!
That all being said I know that hashem is still there waiting for me to come to him(even though i think i have tried and got refused).
And that hashem is still my loving father even though i don't feel it..


whishing everyone hatzlacha From a struggling Bochur.

Checking in.

Smooth going for the most part over Shabbos b"h. 

It's been going pretty well and I find myself worrying over the future. When Elul ends, when more difficult times come, when the motivation is gone and the lust comes raging like the tide. Trying very hard to take it just one day at a time and not let those thoughts perturb me. I am wondering though if there is more I could be doing in the good times to prepare for the bad?


I was in a seforim store the other day and I saw a new book out. It was called something like "Break Free" by Shaya Ostrow (might be misremembering the name of the book and the author). The cover said it was about "technology addiction" but I opened it up for a quick peak and it seemed to be explicitly about porn addiction. Anyone seen this? Read it? Can comment if it's a good book? 

I think it's amazing mainstream Jewish bookstores can put out a book like that and don't hide it away behind the counter.

Day #91

הודו לה' כי טוב, כי לעולם חסדו.
ה' העלית מן שאול נפשי חייתני מירדי בור.
עלץ ליבי בה', רמה קרני בה'. רחב פי על אויבי, כי סמכתי בישועתך.

Instead of a time consuming long-winded post, I will post 10 things that helped me get here. Hopefully someone will find them helpful in their own journey. 

I'll also try to make time to post updates and thoughts here at least once or twice a week.

Seven Rules for a Clean Life, OivedElokim Edition:

1. Don't just post on GYE. Reach out to people privately, call and text them regularly. It doesn't have to be about this struggle. The opposite of addiction is not sobriety. It's connection.
2. Learn Torah. In depth and regularly. Torah study saved me in so many ways, so many times. Otherwise I'd still be watching porn daily, and probably also not keeping Torah and Mitzvos. "Torah Tavlin".
3. Pray. A lot. Both from the Siddur, Tehillim and especially in your own words. He'll come through for you if you turn to him with genuine humility and a broken heart. "Bechol koreinu eilav".
4. Engage in intense physical activity. Weights, running, biking. Whatever turns your crank, man. At least a few times a week.
5. If you don't have any hobbies, get some. Guitar, drawing, painting, reading etc. It will get you into a good space and distract you from lewd thoughts.
6. FILTER, FILTER AND FILTER.
7. Date, get engaged and get married. If you are married-Work on improving your marriage. My Kallah has helped me with this struggle (and all my other ones). It's tremendous. Marriage is not a hospital but it's likely that you have a gaping marriage sized hole in you heart. Filling it can do wonders.

So yeah, I got engaged, BH. To a woman of the caliber I'd never dare to dream of. She's incredible.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to share it here, publicly, mostly due to fear of being identified. But its been awhile so I'm not so worried. Also, if someone figures out my identity-come and get me! lol. I'm actually not entirely joking-Hit me up, I'd love to (re)connect over our shared struggles....

Wishing you all a clean and meaningful day, and much success in everything you do!
With love and appreciation,
OivedElokim

Hey folks, I'm on day 12 now and still doing well BH. I've been working hard on positive mindset and a solid, healthy schedule. I also found myself falling every 1-2 weeks because I had too much on my plate, was getting stressed out, and "cracked" after a week or so on average. But after taking some things off my plate, I feel much healthier now and able to healthily manage the workload. Lastly, I don't have any unprotected devices. 

I patched the last few loopholes I found as workarounds. I know this isn't a replacement for the inner work, but it surely helps. 

1. Gave my laptop admin user account pw to a friend and locked myself out of it. I use a standard user, so I can't do anything to tamper with my filtering software files etc. to get around it in any way. There were a few ways I was using in the past to bypass the filter which were more advanced technical workarounds, but require the admin password, which I no longer have 
2. Removed all other devices with a media player of any sort. In my opinion, for an addict, any device with a screen that can view an image or video is a concern. I realized even my waze only kosher phone could receive downloaded files and play videos, which was a loophole. Then I realized even my flip phone, which had no browser at all etc or any smart capabilities, could still play videos. I got rid of my flip phone and bought a new one that literally can only make phone calls. It can't even text. no camera, images, or videos. It's the max kosher level possible. 

Since having this setup, the only way I could theoretically fall would be:

1. buying a new device from a store (this is possible at any time, but it requires so much effort to do this, there's enough of a buffer that I'm able to stop myself. I think the main risk is when you can access it easily from your device... but having to put in this much extra effort to fall is super helpful) 
2. Factory reset my laptop (this is also a big lift, because I'd have to reinstall my filtering software and everything else, change my admin password and give it to my friend, etc. all of which I really don't want to do) 

so BH, I'm doing well on all fronts. 

chaimoigen wrote on 13 Sep 2024 16:43:

R' CO you gotta work on spice. This is great, but not so spicy. Maybe that's why Mr. T busted you down to private??

Relevant Dov quote:


And while that post is clearly addressing the addict, even the non-addict whose reached a point where he's talking to people on this site has probably tasted the feeling of being completely out of control and checked out of life in a truly horrifying way and that is frankly a terrifying feeling. (Maybe I'm projecting here.)

But what you are saying is, "masturbating is disgusting because it's so masturbatory." Which is a nice idea too. I'd suggest that this is one of those halachos embedded into natural morals that the world has managed to change (like homosexuality, basic tznuis, justice, and many other things). 

Adam, I feel your pain! The events you described were the reason I finally joined GYE. I saw it as a progression of my addiction, another red line crossed. Knew I needed help fast.

Kudos to you for doing the correct and courageous thing, may it only go upwards from here!

Markz wrote on 13 Sep 2024 12:24:

Shalom Brothers,

I don't work for Artscroll, but I will attempt to elucidate Markz's post.
There is a valid point to what you (SSSL) are saying, but it also very much risks focusing on this struggle (and struggles in general) the wrong way. 
I imagine that the reason Markz imagines that this topic will continue to cycle on GYE is likely because singles are looking to separate their matziv from the marrieds, and that is barking up the wrong tree. 'You', single guys, have different struggles and different motivations. 'Us' married folks also have different struggles and different motivations. Splintering based on differences can continue until no two people are the same and there is no cohesiveness or community (like what is happening in our times with gender identity etc nonsense). 

Yes, there is general advice for all of us. There is advice that might work differently for married people compared to single, but without a very specific and definable factor that changes the game for everyone (like clinically addicted vs deeply ingrained habit), we can be unintentionally excusing ourselves based on being in a harder different situation.

To be blunt, what if a wife doesn't enjoy sex. What if she's not very emotionally connected. What if she's subjectively not as attractive as most other women. What if their relationship isn't obviously suffering, or it's not good - p&m not withstanding. What if the person doesn't actually feel down about their indulgences and their family it pretty much fine. So often marriage does not fix these problems for people (and sometimes the problem grows), because they were not approached properly to deal with the root.

This is a 'me' problem and it needs a 'me' solution. All these other factors are indeed valid variables that can help, but their beneficial effects are a byproduct of your situation, not the solution to it.

To sum up: You can get advice that is more tailored for a single / bochur and it will be helpful, but it should not be considered a totally different circumstance as far as where the focus of the work needs to be.

I'm starting to lose my brain a bit, so I hope that made sense (and is somewhat accurate). Further elucidation and any other opinions on this are welcome

As someone who’s still struggling but has come a miraculously long way, I’d like to share with my beloved brothers what has worked for me.
I’ve been masturbating excessively for 15+ years of my life. I’ve been involved with online (and offline) forbidden relationships… doing a lot of garbage! I also managed to be Mechalel Shabbos and dabbled in atheism. Lost a few jobs and got close to loosing my marriage. And my
life. 
I went for therapy and B”h it helped me through crisis and kept me afloat. 
I only began to really heal when I recognized the REAL problem. I’ll try to explain. 
You can have two people with the same difficult situation but they have completely different problems. A non believer also has a problem with P&M but for him it’s all about him and how he wants to feel - his ego. But for a holy Neshoma, the problem is that we’re disconnected from Hashem. And when you cry to Hashem for such a problem - that we want to be close. Hashem makes miracles happen!

proudyungerman wrote on 12 Sep 2024 04:04:

I'm going to bl"n join you in your kabalah for Elul...
it's something I've often tried to work on, sometimes managed for long tekufos not to check the news at all but ATM I'm struggling with it... its a bit of an addiction...

sunnyjellyfish17 wrote on 11 Sep 2024 17:44:

This is a good question. Something I personally thought about for way too long. It's impossible to answer without more information though.

Questions you want to think about are things like: How often am I acting out? In what ways? What is that doing to my life? Am I willing to go to SA? Have I tried the "GYE program" or just logged on and off without doing much? What else is there to try besides SA?

Then when you've thought through those thoughts get in touch with someone wise and understanding, and talk it over. Dov is a good address for a call like this.

I'll share my own journey with you, maybe it'll help. 

I think I didn't make substantial progress before weighing the idea of SA. I suspect that is because there were things I wasn't willing to do to get clean. It wasn't until I hit a point of "I'll do whatever it takes" that I started making more headway. And, though I haven't joined SA yet, I still might. Right now I'm trying other tools (such as connecting with friends here, and Dov's weekly call.)

One very helpful yesod that I received is that it's not helpful to stress about "should I go to SA, should I not" or "do I have a chalos shem addict". If you think SA may be helpful, go for it. There's not much to lose by trying it, and you don't need a rabbi to pasken you're an addict to try it. But, on the other hand, there are other tools you can try before going to a meeting that are a little easier to do. If you're not in imminent danger and you would prefer to avoid SA, why not try those other options?

It's 1745 and felling a strong urge ik exactly how it happenen
im watching videos know about what addiction does to you and I KNOW I will absolutely destroy the YETZER today for a nother W

Hello, holy brothers,
it's been a long time since i gave you an update about my progress,
I'm so glad to inform you about my journey, how god save my life so fortunate
as (if) you guys remembers i couldn't get sober for a very long time,
i tried therapy for 9 month and i joined SA 12 steps program,
BUT I couldn't stay sober for more than a few weeks.
My disease progressed like crazy. I crossed any boundary I ever had.
i didn't care about my physically life, my marriage was a question mark,
i could have been arrested more than once, because of my acting out,
i could have been murdered, stabbed, robbed,
i tested many times for STD,
bekitzer a disaster
its a miracle that im still alive,
thank god that he sent me to a different therapist, a C-SAT,
and after 15 minutes talking he said to me, i can't help you,
i'm not taking you as a client
i felt hopeless but he told me that there is a place for me to go,
and he sent me over to a rehab center,
he claimed that i have too much trauma and that's the reason why i cant get sober,
he said to me you should go there before its too late,
i can never be grateful enough for this minute of feeling hopeless,
my life has changed drastic,
i did a lot of trauma work and i started working the 12 steps with my sponsor,
im not perfect and i will never be perfect,
but im doing a lot of progress,
i still have a lot do get better but im on the right path,
i feel a different person, my life is changing day by day,
im not comfortable at all, to be so vulnerable, but the reason why i shared it with you is because i want you to remember,
1 addiction is a deadly disease,
2 its progressing,
3 don't go to a therapist who is not a c-sat,
4 don't give up,
5 there is hope for everyone,
6 ,progress not perfection
7 god delights with me (you), he knows me fully and loves me dearly
8 Hashem is great, and never rejected me (you) i was with me even in the darkest places,
9 I'm (you) not evil, I'm just sick
10 ,I'm (you) a beautiful pure soul
thanks for letting me share

livingpalpitation wrote on 09 Sep 2024 17:43:

Dude. This site is targeted to people with lust issues up to and including sex addiction. Addiction is comparable to cancer. It ravages lives.

Many people find themselves extremely resistant to changing their lives about this. They throw up all sorts of walls, defenses, and excuses ("It's not my fault I didn't stop, it's those rude people who didn't want to help me"). The excuses all sound good, but dig down and it's just a luster protecting their little treasure of lust. Maybe that's you, maybe it's not. 

If you want to get clean (for whatever reason) this is a good place for it. If you don't, then nobody else is going to convince you that you should.