tzaddik212 wrote on 04 Jan 2018 17:52:

Trust build with time....if he's perfect.

Mistrust dissipates with time....if he's perfect.

When he's not perfect (in other words, he's basically normal), it very often snowballs to Hell. That's why therapists and specialists are needed.

This is not a simple world, and men like us make it even more difficult.

And with the trust issue. It builds with time more and stronger. he wife wont trust the husband on everything everyday, but trust is something that builds with time, so is the extreme mistrust dissipating with time. Now there maybe that there wont be no extreme trust what so ever, for an extreme amount of time. or even for the rest of their life time, i guess this depends on the make up of the two people in the relationship. And the makeup of the Recovery strides the Husband is taking, and the awareness and the knowledge of the wife in her husbands life. It is a puzzle, but it is possible to build trust. and to make the relationship a living Mikdosh Me'at.

My experience is that I didn't even know that my wife didn't trust me until my sponsor told me. How he knew when he didn't even know her much at all is a question that I won't now spend any time answering, but it goes to the awareness that people who are living as sober men have. I didn't believe him but I took it as true because he is my sponsor and has a lot more sobriety than me. Btw it makes no difference if he was right or wrong, I listen to him because that is surrender. Surrender is the essence of maintaining long term sobriety for an addict like me. Many people never accept that and don't really get how the program of AA/SA works. The more sober and aware that I became the more I realized that she in fact does not trust me. It is much better after 4 years of AA sobriety and going on 3 years of SA sobriety but she still does not trust me and I can see that more and more, as I become healthier and less self-centered. Self-centeredness is another big impediment to program and sobriety and may be the number one reason people on this site and many people in SA don't get sober.  The way I gain trust with my wife, is to keep my side of the street clean and do the right thing. Communication is key as well. One thing I do is call her and check in and let her know what I'm doing, even if I think she already knows. One thing for sure, especially in early early sobriety is that I don't try to figure out what she needs to gain my trust. I just do what I'm supposed to do and be where I'm supposed to be. I didn't even know that she didn't trust me and now suddenly I know what to do to get her to trust me?! Plus that's just fake anyway. I have to do for myself. If I'm doing for her than that's a contingent sobriety and she knows that. She knows that the second I think acting out is more important than gaining her trust, then I will act out. Also when I do things with the goal of gaining her trust that may just be manipulating her for my own sake. Just look at the sentence itself "I will do X to get her to trust me." Manipulation. How about I just aim to be a trustworthy person and she will slowly come to trust me. Addicts want to be in control. I have to let go of controlling outcomes in order to stay sober. 

Just to stress again: in general, the wife should not be the husband's shomer.

cordnoy wrote on 04 Jan 2018 16:18:

Don't forget, cordnoy is a moderator in the spouse forum.. Your wife is telling him much more than she tells you

tzaddik212 wrote on 04 Jan 2018 16:09:

Perhaps in your dreams. I have been in contact with hundreds of fellows and trust takes a long time. Very long.

tzaddik212 wrote on 04 Jan 2018 16:09:

Everybody talks from his own experience here...
It probably depends on how deep you were in the struggle, how it effected your wife and so many other things.

I believe that in a healthy open marriage relationship a wife should understand that (by now) it's not something we choose to do, it's like somebody is kidnapping us & we (almost) have no choice. So when she's your shomer she helps her spouse in his struggle. This may even make her trust stronger.
If she takes your struggle very personal & she gets hurt by every fall maybe it's not the best idea.

Well Cordnoy. I dissagree with you. It does not take an extremely long time. Yes it is a process. A wife that sees that her husband is taking his life into his hands. He become serious in many avenues in life, the trust starts to built. now there will be set backs, there will be times when she will feel the pain and the mistrust, but there will be head way as well

In theory, I agree with you. In practice, in certain situations, I'm not so sure. 

ItIt takes an extremely long time for a wife to trust her cheatin', lyin', pornin', textin', masturbatin', strippin' husband, and sometimes it doesn't happen at all. This is a way she can witness בפועל that he is makin' strides. Maybe then there can be a healthy, lovin', trustin', cuddlin' marriage.

Well then trust needs to be built. But one thing is for sure, that trust is not built, by having her as the police lady. we can discuss more of how trust is being built.

Then he needs to work on regaining her trust, and in time she will see that he has changed. But she should not be part of the process.

What happens if the wife doesn't trust her husband, and for good reason?

I dont think that i am off good, if my wife is my Chaver. It directs our relationship to a place, of one looking after another in a miss trusting way. A marriage is a trusting honest Union, and by putting one partner in charge of miss trusting the other partner, it ruins unions idea for what it is intended for. I have a wife so i can protect her, so i can provide her security, financially, emotionally, Physically, Intimately.Having her as my Web Chaver  ruins all of the above.   Think it over, and let me know your thoughts about it.

Thanks to all!

Part of my psyche is that I don't feel a struggle. For example with female Profile browsing, Very rare I have a temptation and I fight it. I go into the mood I'm not going there and that's it.
 Maybe I do struggle and Fight I am just not intuned. In my days before GYE, I was up to doing the worst cyber and chatting stuff, And I never saw myself as A Real lustaholic. It's was like browsing the web at night with no intention to anything. I felt the waste of time. but did not identify a struggle or A addiction/habit, it's just like you Shmooz to much... Hope I am clear enough 

Now I will be working On taking responsibility for my actions. I'm sayin' to myself, Yesterday I have not Fallen because I did not want to and Gye where the right Shluchim,
Today I will be alert to my actions and keep strong And I am responsible for my actions and I KNOW WHAT IM DOING, I am a lust addict or I have a huge desire for it. and I will not fall out of choice and the right prevention... Guys have a GR8 Day...
Everyplace the sun rose today people are struggling with lust and I am part of that world (don't know why I made this point, but anyhow have a good one)