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10 Jan 2018 23:27
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Yerushalmi
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I do not know why you think you have to share this. Everyone does things wrong, and we all have bad habits. If you are working on yourself, and seeing progress, you might not have to say anything at all.
Should you decide to tell, I don't think this is something for a first date. I was seeing a psychologist while I was dating. The person I was seeing is also a Rav whom I highly respect. (I knew him as a Rav first, and as a psychologist later.) For my particular issue [nothing having to do with anything on this forum], his advice as a Rav, was I don't think you have to tell, if you want to you can, and you have to decide if you want to or not.
I am neither a Rav nor a psychologist, but my advice would be similar:
If you are able to carry on a normal life, and your addictions don't interfere with normal daily activities (i.e. you can maintain a steady job, can share the responsibilities of running a home, are reliable) you do not have to say that you are having issues with masturbation. This is especially true if you are fighting the addictions. Once your relationship gets deeper, you can if you want to, reveal that you had/have issues with porn. Should you tell, then tell her what you are doing to fight it, and any thing that will affect her or the household. (i.e. no computer/TV or heavily filtered internet, your inability to go to certain places because it is too much of a nisayon).
My personal experience tells me that a woman will respect someone who is honest, and who is looking to grow. If you say, "I can't go to this and this place because it's too great a nisayon", she will respect you, and your struggle to grow.
If your relationship with your fiancé/wife is strong, it may be enough just to say that you had issues, and that you worked on yourself, and it's no longer a burning issue. If that is the case, you may not ever have to reveal all the dirty secrets, or as time goes by, you may feel strong enough to tell all.
If your addiction is consuming you, and you can't function properly in society, then you should not be in shiduchim until you can.
I hope this helps. To put things in perspective, I've been married for 13 years so far.
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09 Jan 2018 15:41
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ayidel
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Did that already thanks
Does anyone know if its possible to become addicted to the GYE site i just seem to love to spend time with such great guys thanks everybody
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09 Jan 2018 04:23
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Ihavestrength
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Hi there everyone,
I'm going through a rough period right now. Sometimes when things are hard like this I think, have I not made any progress at all? That thought can be a very depressing one indeed. It definitely isn't a very helpful thought though.
Do you know what makes a difficult personal situation even more tough? I'll tell you; it's thinking that things should be different for me, that I shouldn't need to deal with this uncomfortable scenario that addiction is. When you think that things ought to be different, that I should be further along in my journey already or not struggling with this altogether, it makes things so much more painful, and rightly so. For if this could all have been avoided and is just a mistake, a mistake that I am responsible for, at least in some part, darn that hurts!
This isn't true at all though. How can we honestly say that things should be different? Did someone give you the script so that you know you fudged up your lines? If there is a G-d, then my life is his orchestrated power on display, and if he doesn't exist, the concept of what should and ought to be is preposterous, for nothing ought to be and is but of random fate in nature.
Another thing that has torn at my brain and heart and gave me much angst, is not knowing what my next step should be. This especially happens when I screw up, and I think darn, I have to stop this, I need to stop this, I even want to stop this, but what the heck do I do? How painful is it when no one can place their hand on a bible and tell you that this is you need to do to get better.
If you want to download iTunes, you can google it and simply follow the instructions found in the first result of google. But there aren't any instructions for how to break an addiction, stop feeling miserable and how to become happy. If there are instructions, it's meaningless words for most of us anyways. It's like seeing the blueprints for the Empire State building. We can have the papers in front of us, but have no idea what to do with them; because we aren't f*cki** engineers! Most of us don't have a bachelors degree on how to live the "good life." If we did, we probably wouldn't be addicts. So, we want to do something but can't seem to find a clear-cut answer for what we are supposed to do! We are stuck between a rock and a hard place.
This confusion of what I am supposed to do now stems from a fallacy and false belief. Namely, that there is a specific cure or path to recovery. If one exists, then my next step would simply be to find it, and how frustrating it is when it isn't so easily found. Gosh, but maybe shi* ain't that simple. Not everything has a vaccine! There aren't necessarily one, or even many definite paths to recovery.
When I first came to this realization it was terrifying. I will be doomed to misery forever, I thought. Then eventually I began to feel liberated. I started realizing that healing from addiction is akin to getting physically fit, there are different methods and combinations of methods that one can use. This encouraged me to take steps that seemed to lead me to recovery without fear that they would be ineffective, and also without unreasonable expectations of being "saved" by taking certain actions.
G-d bless us all,
PEacE.
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05 Jan 2018 10:19
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tzomah
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lionking wrote on 05 Jan 2018 00:14:
tzomah wrote on 04 Jan 2018 18:47:
how long does it take to trust your self
can she trust you before you do
I would never trust myself.
אל תאמין בעצמך עד יום מותך
that's got nothing to do with this thats talking to someone who has an עצמך telling him not to trust himself because he thinks he can and a little he probably can
but a broken man drunk y"h what ever you want to call it already knows he can't trust himself don't need no chazal so then they probably were not talking to him
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05 Jan 2018 10:14
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ayidel
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sorry i seem to have introduced myself in the wrong forum i'm not yet an expert in figuring this out so here goes i'm married nearly 10 years have a few children i don't consider myself an addict as i wold have a couple of falls in sight only and even that at very spread out intervals so it really took me a while to realize i needed help i'm realy gratefull to hashem for sending me to this site and realy plan to hunker down full force thank you all you guys are realy great and supportive
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05 Jan 2018 10:07
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ayidel
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hi my name is ayidel i'm married for 10 years and have a couple of children i don't think i am an addict
but rather would have falls at more spread out times so it took me a while to figure out that i might need help
but i thank hashem i found this site signed on and ready to really hanker down thanks for everything
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05 Jan 2018 04:25
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Markz
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Hi Yitz
I think someone asked you this 8 years ago - Are you clean / sober because of this book?
guardyoureyes.com/forum/2-What-Works-for-Me/83939-Stop-COLD-TURKEY---How-i-did-it-You-do-it-too#83939
Oh and how could we forget dov??
Dov wrote on 11 Nov 2010 03:42:
L'sheim Yichud Kudsha brich Hu uS'chintei b'dechilu urechimu, hareini muchan um'zuman l'kayem mitzvos asei shel v'ohavta l'reiyacho komocha, v'nikdashti besoch b'nei Yisroel:
Dear yitzi.26,
I love Hashem.
I love hisbodedus.
Boruch Hashem I am sober today and have been sober one day at a time for some years know, which gives me the ability to learn how to love Him more than ever, and I know that He loves me. It gives me the ability to learn how to truly love my wife and family and many other people, as well.
And I sincerely want you to know that every single time I escaped from everyone else in my noisy life, to sit alone in a bathroom and masturbate, I was misboded.
I was alone, quiet, focused, and sincere...with the thing I trusted the most in the world: fantasy and masturbation. That was my hisbodedus.
And every time I messed up by doing that, I felt super close to Hashem and begged Him to take me back b'Chasdo. I felt I was with Him...in pain, but still clearly with Him!
And then I did it all over again.
And again.
And I got worse and worse and worse...and all the time I believed I was on a mission to finally really do teshuvah the next time I had the tayva.
My yiddisheh brain knew that Hashem has the only real love, the only real sweet beauty, and the only real hope for me - lo ayacheil!....but my body believed otherwise. It knew the experience of real pleasure from the things I was doing for escape and pleasure. Pleasure does not lie. The body cannot be easily fooled. Unfortunately, saying and learning good things does not make them so - especially when they are competing with a firmly entrenched insanity like lust dependence.
For you, the hisbodedus - done in the right way (with Hashem) - is working. That is a beautiful miracle. For me, focusing on Hashem in hisbodedus was a complete waste of time because true Emunah was only in my mind...my body already had a very different god. And it's god demanded daily service. It was a jealous god. It had its own rewards and its own punishments. It really did, to me.
So I caution you to consider that although the Torah is true - period, and although Hashem is the only real Beauty, Love, and Value that there is...there are yidden who need an 'access ramp' to the stuff you are talking about.
Mikvah and Tikun Klali are 'magical' and powerful, as you describe - and Hashem can do anything. But for many sweet yidden (like me) banging our heads for just a few more weeks or months on the Aron Kodesh can cost them their marriages, the mental health of their children, and may cost them their sanity, as well as their Olam Haba.
It seems to me that what matters to you most here is the terrible aveiro. I respectfully disagree with that perspective, particularly for addicts.
I do not know what you mean when you say the word "addict", but for the addicts who I know (like me), the ikkar problem with the habit of these aveiros is not mainly the aveiros, but that we are unable to really live as long as we are medicating with tayvo. Our relationships are filled with faykerai, our davening is a silly 'ratzo vashov' between "I am horrible and evil" and "Hashem take me back!". That is not avodah at all. It is shtuyot. Unfortunately many have made a business out of it and many consider it the ikkar avodah of their lives. Well, I believe that they are hiding in a sweet little corner of Torah and missing the entire daled amos of a Torah life. But who am I, and who besides me should care what I believe?
Before saying that your way is guaranteed, or the only way for serious yidden, please consider that many people will find hatzlocha and brocha in a completely different derech than yours.
I agree 100% with a lot of the tachlis of your derech. For me, the solution is to find out that Hashem really is my Best Friend. For me, hisbodedus with Him is a gift from Hashem and I cannot survive without hisbodedus. But many people need to come to it on a completely different path than you suggest.
Hatzlocha!!
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05 Jan 2018 02:38
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youcan
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My goal is not that my wife should trust me, I want she should know who I am & what I stand for. Yes, I want she should trust me but only where I'm trustable. I AM NOT TRUSTABLE WITH INTERNET. And she knows it. I asked her that she should make sure we have no open internet at home because when I'm weak (lusting) I am usually not strong enough to deal with it my self. I still don't think it's a good idea - at least for me - that my wife should be involved in my recovery (for now).
If she's not comfortable with it you shouldn't impose it on her & if you do I think it's called abuse.
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05 Jan 2018 02:24
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Gevura Shebyesod
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Having her know about your struggles and your progress can increase the trust greatly. But setting her up as your prison guard is creating a situation where you are asking her to not trust you, and that can make her very uncomfortable because she may want to trust you but you are telling her to act like she can’t.
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05 Jan 2018 01:59
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youcan
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I see by my self (I think it's not the same for everybody) that when I'm open with my wife she trusts me even if she knows I'm not perfect & I might fall, as long as she knows I'm committed to her & to recovery. When she feels I'm hiding something or she's not sure I share everything with her she won't trust me even if she wouldn't suspect anything.
Before she found out about my struggle she felt something is going on but she wasn't able to pin point what it is so she was very uncomfortable, but now that she knows everything & my behavior etc. started to make sense I feel that she trusts me much more & she feels like we're going through this together (even though I'm not telling her much about my struggles & about my falls, but I'm open with her about this as well, she knows that (for now) it's not easy for me to discuss it with her too much)
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04 Jan 2018 19:58
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tzaddik212
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well i guess it depends the kind of woman she is.
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04 Jan 2018 19:15
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iampowerless
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Hi everyone i'm back with 10 clean days that is double digits   anyways i started going to a therapist hopefully that will help me deal with all my problem which include anxiety, depression, and addiction to masturbation and slowly but surely became the healthy individual i'm meant to be. in regards to my full story i'm too depressed to write it up now but i will hopefully one day. sorry for keeping you guys in suspense! #WEWILLDOITONEDAYATATIME!
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04 Jan 2018 18:47
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tzomah
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how long does it take to trust your self
can she trust you before you do
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04 Jan 2018 18:16
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cordnoy
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tzaddik212 wrote on 04 Jan 2018 17:52:
And with the trust issue. It builds with time more and stronger. he wife wont trust the husband on everything everyday, but trust is something that builds with time, so is the extreme mistrust dissipating with time. Now there maybe that there wont be no extreme trust what so ever, for an extreme amount of time. or even for the rest of their life time, i guess this depends on the make up of the two people in the relationship. And the makeup of the Recovery strides the Husband is taking, and the awareness and the knowledge of the wife in her husbands life. It is a puzzle, but it is possible to build trust. and to make the relationship a living Mikdosh Me'at.
Trust build with time....if he's perfect.
Mistrust dissipates with time....if he's perfect.
When he's not perfect (in other words, he's basically normal), it very often snowballs to Hell. That's why therapists and specialists are needed.
This is not a simple world, and men like us make it even more difficult.
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