In my lust addiction days (which, by the way, is still there - except - I don't act upon it), I would be connected to myself. it was/is all about me; how can I garner more enjoyment? How can I obtain more pleasure? Where can I go to please myself? What can I do right now to make the Holy Me feel real good? I faenfered myself that I wasn't seekin' to please myself, but due to my childhood and my marriage issues, I was searchin' for friendship and connections and relationships (and I sure accomplished that), but now in recovery - is everythin' all better? No, but I don't need others to resolve my tensions; I don't need the connection to soothe the lack of connection. Yes, if I would find God in a real way, would that help? Yes. The 12-step cult is beneficial for this also, for you find a group and connect to them. GYE does the same thin', for the comradeship is there. But ultimately, for me, it was about learnin' to be comfortable in my own damn skin - as bad and ugly and filthy as it was/is. Can I live with myself knowin' what I did and what i think? The answer was and is yes, providin' that I work recovery steps. Do I wanna remain a self-pleasin', ego maniac, self-centered, jealous, connivin', lyin' prick? Nope. So, I work the steps, and I should do more.

b'hatzlachah and sorry for the rant.

This led me to ponder a question.

If you had a daughter in shiduchim and you hear about this guy that sounds like a great fit for your daughter. Hashkafas, frumkeit, family, personality, goals, everything matches up. You’re excited about the shidduch idea.

Assume for a second all else is good and you’re impressed with this guy.
Then you find out that this guy has another name: Hakolmilimala.
You realize his past, but you also see that his goal is recovery.

Would you let such a shidduch prospect play out?

Honest answers please.
No place for delusion in addiction.

Hey friends. I've had this song on repeat the last few days, and I thought I'd share it here. Then I thought, why not have a thread where we can exchange great music?

The song is Lashuv Habaita by Yishai Ribo. The tune is catchy but what really gets me are the lyrics...I think the message in this song is very appropriate for alot of us here and the struggles we face.

EDIT: Apparently YouTube links don't work here. I guess that makes sense for an internet addiction forum 
I've uploaded the song as an attachment instead.

Lyrics:
הגיע הזמן להתעורר 
לעזוב הכל להתגבר
לשוב הביתה לא לחפש מקום אחר

הגיע הזמן להשתנות 
גם אם פספסנו כמה תחנות
אפשר לרדת יש רכבת חזרה לשכונות

הכל אפשר רק אם נרצה 
המחפש תמיד מוצא
גם אם הוא נמצא אי שם הרחק בקצה

דלתות שמיים לא ננעלו 
כשהבן קורא הצילו
אז אבא שבשמיים מגיע אפילו

אפילו שעשינו משהו רע
הוא מוחל וסולח מוחל וסולח
מושיט  ידו לעזרה ונותן ברחמיו
את הכח לתקן ולשוב אליו

הגיע הזמן להתחרט אם כבר לברוח אז מהחטא 
אם כבר לקחת אז לקחת בשביל לתת

וזה הזמן להתקרב לא לפחד מהכאב
ואם לתת  אז כבר לתת מכל הלב

הכל אפשר רק אם נרצה 
המחפש תמיד מוצא
גם אם הוא נמצא אי שם הרחק בקצה

דלתות שמיים לא ננעלו 
כשהבן קורא הצילו
אז אבא שבשמיים מגיע אפילו

My humble opinion is that this question can only be answered by someone who knows you, your wife, and many other personal details. If your relationship with your rebbi allows for it, maybe suggest to your rebbi to consult with an addiction expert so that he can answer you with confidence. Hatzlocha.

Hi I had a question. I wrote a letter already to eventually show to my wife and I am willing to disclose to my wife (at the right time) if that's what I should do. However my rebbe said he wasn't sure it would be a wise idea. My rebbe is an extremely sought after mechanech he does agree that he doesn't fully understand our problem (addicts). On a personal level I wouldn't disclose anything without his permission because he put himself on the line when my mother-in-law called to ask about my meds. 
The question is if I am absolutely ready to disclose and face the consequences does it serve any purpose to disclose? 
If I am told that it is in my wife's best interests that I should not disclose (not my own addict mind's decision), is there anything to gain by disclosing? is it crucial? am I still considered hiding something?
Please do not tell me that I am still trying to hide because I wanted to disclose a while ago (to soothe the guilt, of course, but still) I was told not to. Additionally I was ready up until my rebbe said he would need to consider it first.

I used to be be biggest filter “tester”, and I’m not sure if it was mostly caused by shmutz or not. For me, it hit an obsessive part of my brain of testing it to see what there was so I can “know” how protected I was.

I relate to Gibor’s thing of not being able to afford it. Here’s what happened to me- I had kept on obsessively testing the filter while I was going through a period of moderate anxiety, and I realized that all this testing was making me wildly anxious- will I see something, will I not, and when will I stop. And it was crazy because if I would see something I would literally be holding my hand over the picture not to see it, but provided that I was able to see enough to know what “type” it was. The whole thing was insane!

And you know why I stopped? Not because of this holy desire to be clean, but because I felt like a lunatic and an insane person and said, “You know, I want to be normal and stop obsessing”.

And I can remember that obsessive feeling well enough that it’s a pretty big impediment to doing it again.

As a result, now I have other reasons that I don’t want to go back there- I feel like a normal Jew and a normal husband, hate wasting the time, but it’s not like I find the idea repulsive in any way.

I find the addiction repulsive, so that’s what’s working for me for now. 

Some things in life that are simple to other people are baffling to me. The 9th step promises me that I will begin to intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle me. I do see that promise coming true in recovery. Part if that for me is to reach out to others for guidance. In the past I may not have reached out to others for guidance. I was having trouble understanding the assignment for the course I'm taking. It doesn't necessarily occur to me to just ask the professor for help and even if it does I won't know the right way to go about it and at least 6 fears will jump into my head about it. This was probably a simple and obvious situation for most people, but for me it isn't.  Now in recovery the thoughts and actions come more readily. Growing one day at a time.

Next share about self centeredness, the animal soul and how important and center staged lust becomes in the life of an addict. (just a reminder for me)

Hey chaimyakov
First of all I didn’t mean at all to be critical.
I think that it does matter which part of you wants it. But let me put it into context.
When we are stuck in the mud and every minute our mind races back to the last porn we watched and every time we see a computer our mind races to all the “possibilities”, then it is very hard for any of this “machsuva” talk to make any difference.
First things first is to take concrete steps to get a few weeks away from the craziness. Which I guess you might have to be really strong and do even if you don’t really want. Maybe it’s only fair to give yourself a chance to think things through clearly? To give yourself a chance to reflect without being pulled back in constantly?

After that, I’m a believer that the understanding of what’s all going on can help a lot in staying clean and understanding how not to go back there. I have read some books on addiction that have given understanding that has helped me a lot.
Once clean a little bit, maybe If you can believe that you desire good (not just intellect telling you you want good) and it’s your surface desires getting you off track, it could be a motivation to give yourself what you truly desire.

cordnoy wrote on 25 Jan 2018 09:49:

For me too, it is a personal journey, I have found tips that help here, yet with the Almighty my journey has also bee alone, to find out personally what I needed to adjust, trust in, change in, grow in. I watch a film recently called the The Lost Key, by a Jew, and about Intimacy, it is a eye opener. There is a great  difference seeking to practice secret vice, and seeking to gain true intimacy with ones mate, For me seeking during these last two years to be more intimate with my wife, not just on the physical plane, has help me to know myself better, and my mate, and we are so much more One in the Oneness of our Maker, for me now I can grow in deeper love with her, and as I am finding the better in oneness with my mate, and in join Oneness with the infinite One, we are growing together, and find a deeper union that we had never experienced before in our 13 years of marriage. I looking for more of this in my journey of life, a life of intimacy, with no regrets.

thank you markz for keeping this place safe and happy
thank you cordnoy for many of us owe lots of our recovery to you myself incl.
many of us wait with bated breath for your posts sometimes i can't stop myself from chuckling 
your honesty is mechayev us all
and thankyou ieeyc for coming clean midas yehudah we all understand (it may be related to computer addictions)

What I wrote on a different thread:

Shalom,

I haven't been followin' this thread closely and I don't know the particulars. Wishin' everyone hatzlachah and God speed.

I was asked to chime in regardin' addiction and frumkeit. I know both of those pretty well (sadly, one more than the other, at least when 'frumkeit' will be evaluated upstairs). 

Many have said, and it's probably true, that the two are not related. Yes, if someone struggles in these areas, if he/she becomes more frum (which I guess means more gedarim, mussar, shiurim, etc.), can it help? Most definitely. Could frumkeit have prevented some of the past? Also true. But באשר הוא שם, there are those of us who are here despite our levels of frumkeit, and increasin' those levels might not necessarily help. We need doses of self introspection (either thru therapy, mussar, 12 steps, meetin's, etc.). The actin' out is not the problem; it is our (made up) solution to what is really buggin' us inside. That is what needs to be tackled.

And no matter how far we have fallen, it can be done. And let us not forget to reach out to God Above, for He loves us and is always there for us, no matter our history, or even our present, or even our dirty plans for the future. Keep Him close. 

I found that workin' on myself thru the steps was the correct gps road to recovery. Until then, I was only recalculatin'.

​God speed to all!

bardichev wrote on 22 Jan 2010 17:45:

Time to reboot this thread 

Sheesh..... guys are so serious on gye nowadays you can feel the radiation coming out of your computer and the wires are shooting these wierd sparks 

Ay! Halevay for the good old days long before I joined gye when they would truck and drink? The real stuff!!!

And took it OAAAT - one addiction at a time. It was either SA or AA - you couldn't do both...

Mark!

Fight the good fight! (--if you're a non-addict)
Surrender! Give it to God!!! (--if you're an addict)
Surrender the good fight! (-- if you're an addicted non-addict)
Fight the good god! (-- if you're a non-addicted addict)

I am working step 1 of the 12 steps of recovery. I have been attending a weekly meeting and I am working with a sponsor.
My understanding of the 1st step is to realize that I have this problem even when I don't feel like I have this problem. I am +30 days sober and thank god I have no urge to want to act out, but I am still thinking about my problem and admitting that I have a problem that I am powerless over. I wake up every day and thank hashem that I woke up with another day of sobriety and I ask hashem to help keep me sober for one more day. I am powerless over my addiction and I have to remember not to take my sobriety for granted. 
Thank you for letting me share. 

Markz wrote on 23 Jan 2018 18:11:

I'll put you on the schedule.
 letlet me know when.
And if you wanna do the one on one special, or the group thingy?