lifebound wrote on 04 Feb 2018 05:16:

For a long time now, the secular society views the expression of one's desires as simply healthy. If your angry go somewhere and break some dishes if you want to. If your overcome with lust go and satisfy that, with any willing partner or with yourself. By secular standards it is only a problem if: it hurts another person, becomes an addiction, or has obvious negative physical results(like gain a lot of weight due to overeating) 
This should not surprise you as secularists do not accept the lofty level of a human being due to a G-dly soul. Mankind is an animal who by mere coincidence developed from simple cells to an ape eventually  a person.

Welcome. I am an addict and although my wife and friends never found about my acting out it is still really painful for myself. I live with so many regrets and the fragility that I might screw up again. Luckily I have found GYE and SAA and I am working with a sponsor on the 12 steps. I am sorry about your marriage. It takes hard work but I feel like now that I decided to dedicate my life to staying sober there is really hope for me and there is hope for you to. 
Keep sharing! 

When I'm in active addiction I become very self-centered. I'm not fully there for my family and not full engaged with them.  My mind becomes preoccupied with my next fix. This places in a mood where I am irritated at my family and not present for them. It's a weird kind of self centeredness because the activities that are on my mind aren't even healthy for me. It's also a vicious cycle where I'm looking for my fix to relieve my stress and irritability but the fix itself causes me irritability and anxiety.  

This is the nature of the animal soul. It's focussed on fulfillment of its wants, need and desires. In the perfect and intended state these desires and drives of the animal soul are necessary for human preservation and continuity. The difficulty arises when these drives are used to fulfill unintended purposes. 

The self-centered nature of the animal soul often makes it difficult for a person to act in a healthy manner. The instincts and drive are so strong that once they are perverted they can be set on a powerful course and we alone may not have the power to correct that force. We are essentially trying  to fight nature. We need to find a power greater than ourselves and that power is as simple as reaching out to a fellow struggler. The animal soul being selfish and self centered thinks and works for itself. The Godly soul on the other hand is selfless and can work for others. So when I work with another person the unselfish spirit within us can work together and reset the motives of the animal soul toward their intended purpose. 

(Ideas taken from Tanya, 12 Steps of recovery and many people that I've learned from.)

Hi everyone i haven't posted in a while......... I have some extra time b4 Shabbos so here we go......
This Shabbos i'll iy'h be 40 days clean! I can't believe i've made it this far. It's crazy how the struggle shifts the 1st 30 something days i felt very depressed i cried a lot and to be honest sometimes i felt so bad that i couldn't even get myself to cry! Each day was a struggle etc,etc 
Now 40 days cleans, a lot of chizuk, and therapy and some gym time i feel like a very different person much more liberated, a much higher self esteem, and baruch hashem much more happy etc, Looking Forward to many more clean days ODAAT!
Anyways Shabbos is coming so I'll end up with a little bracha that all of us should have many many more clean days ODAAT! 

Good Shabbos 
 Love Yankel Your Fellow Addict!

Shalom Uveracha all,

I am an addict since my early teen years. From porn, to night clubs, to "paid for" services.... I am ready to move on. I'm ready to grow in a complete way. Hopefully with the help and encouragement from those of you who are in my boat.... 
Tizku LeMitzvos.

ieeyc wrote on 31 Jan 2018 14:52:

ayidel wrote on 09 Jan 2018 15:41:

I second that notion.
But hey, probably worst things to be addicted to than GYE right?

BH i am at day 8. Hasn't really been hard BH.

For a long while, definitely since I got married 2 years ago. and probably for a few years before acting out is not something I did on a daily basis. Whenever I did act out it would be multiple times in a row. This last fall was 3 times masturbating and after each one I thought to myself that I wont do it again and within a few minutes I was right back at it. Thats one of the biggest reasons that I am here. I want to be able to learn to say no when I fall. 

Yesterday I got into a small argument with my wife. In general, whenever one of is upset at the other we try to talk about it that same day and figure it out and not let it drag out. But for some reason this time even after we spoke I was still angry with her and I cant put a finger on why. from being angry I then went to being numb. My whole night Routine started to get out of whack. I started to spend time on my phone looking at the news (I still need to setup filters) and I thought to myself that this can lead to a fall so I just went to sleep. 

A few times I have had the clarity to realize that certain things can lead to a fall so I have to get out of the situation. Sometimes I got out or like the last time I fell, I fell. 

This morning I woke up early and again started to waste time. so here I am writing. hope you dont mind the hacken chaynik. 

On another note: i have been reading a book about habits and he writes that you need to change one small habit and that will create a ripple effect and you will start to accomplish better things for yourself. and they bring a story about this women who was a rock bottom, Heavily addicted to cigarettes, overweight, depressed and had just broken her relationship with her boyfriend. she was in egypt and woke up, reached for some cigarettes and ended up lighting her lipstick on fire and she tried to smoke it! she decided then that things have to change and decided that she would come back in a year and journey across the desert that she saw out of her window. She thought to herself that she must give up smoking if she wants to get healthy enough to make the trac. long story short, not only did she give up cigarettes, she lost 100 pounds, got into a new healthy relationship started a new business and bought a home. 

Thanks for the responses.
I was expecting a lot of “No”s so no surprises there.

I have been taking steps toward recovery and this question by no means was me asking “Can I keep this behavior and still get married” under facade. I am absolutely committed to doing what it takes to be clean and stay clean. It is certainly high up on my priority list. My plan to do this is strict filters and strict rules with internet access. Continued therapy. And hopefully being in touch with some people over the phone/real-life who are also recovering to hopefully set up myself for success. Unlike others who might join gye after a fall and a commitment to change, I actually joined gye during a period of sobriety. So the 90 day count isn’t exactly accurate. But I am by no means getting haughty about a period of sobriety and I’m not letting down my guard. I’ve learnt my lesson the hard way that that’s not a good idea. I understand that things can change awfully fast in my world, and recent success is not a predictor for tomorrow UNLESS I take the proper steps to prepare myself for the coming day. 

You might wonder, if I expected the answer NO, then what was my question? What was my tzad the answer might be YES?
First off, if I would ask this question to a group of people that have never been down this road themselves, then i wouldn’t expect anything but no. But to someone who’s been down this path, maybe the unknown should scare you more than someone that has already been down this road, already has a healthy level of understanding about it, and has the tools to fight it. If the boy has “no shaychis” to this, for all you know he really does; and if even if he has no shaychis as of yet, who’s to say that when he goes to work, he won’t fall into the clutches of the internet? Isn’t that far more disastrous, to have a guy married with kids first discovering these things, first going through the whole stage of confusion and denial until he FINALLY gets help, at which point he probably has already done some pretty serious damage. Maybe there’s a huge מעלה of maturity that comes with someone who’s been down this road. Yes, once an addict, always an addict, and he might fall here and there, but he’s committed to recovery, and certainly means no harm. He understand the values of true intimacy, and a healthy sexual relationship with his wife. He understands the importance of his שמירת עינים to that end. He understands that sex wasn’t created for his gratification, but rather to reproduce and to build a strong, loving bond between him and his wife. And he won’t be hit by shock if he falls while married. He’ll be prepared and have the weapons at his disposal to get back up.

Some of you sound super idealist saying that you would want someone for your daughter that has had no shaychis and was more innocent.
The premise sounds great, but I’d seriously debate the tzad, that if I feel a guy is serious about his recovery (and has some time under his belt, as Gevura Shebyesod pointed out), his struggle might have given him tremendous maturity. A maturity that perhaps may be invaluable to his future. 

But at the end of the day, parents are super defensive and idealist when it comes to their children, so yes, I’d probably scoot this guy in a jiffy when it came to my daughter. But I’m not so sure that in reality I’d be making the right decision.

HakolMilimala wrote on 30 Jan 2018 13:28:

hi hm,your asking a great question,but it really should not let it concern you AT ALL,Hashem knows your progress,and Hashem is keeping your basherte till youre ready,by hook or by crook(even if it means to get some stubborn shver out of the way G-D FORBID!)i myself  had a problem with mb when i was 15ish and stopped a year and a half before my chasuna ,and have healthy family,im a regular husband (i feel ,and i feel that  my  wife feels the same,we have good shalom bayis,especialy when i admit the truth that shes right -who knows whos reading these things:smiley:)and i ask  myself eventhough im such a great guy:blush: would i let someone like me marry my daughter, and i  decided , i would want someone who was more innocent, pure, if i may say.now i ask you hm , would you want someone like you  to marry your daughter?now could be you are going to be a MUCH better husband then others i have no doubt about it! but we look for someone who didnt have shaychis to this,now youre probably thinking  oh no i have this going against me! NOT TRUE! like i said before, its Hashem whos decideing who you are marrying , and Hashem sees the way you are going and if s/o doesnt want you , it only means shes not your intended , thats all,  therefore HAVE NO FEAR !keep on , Davening that mrs.right comes along and she will , cant wait to hear the good news!hatzlacha

ieeyc wrote on 30 Jan 2018 15:22:

IMHO there is no one answer everyone is a different story but most start off as the yetzer hara after that usually it is better to treat it as a sickness and by dealing with that other things fall into place also

KOMNMW

HakolMilimala wrote on 30 Jan 2018 13:28:

No.

Now what?

What is your recovery plan? (Sorry if I missed it in your previous posts; I didn't look back.)

gutezach wrote 28 Apr 2011 20:22


hi everybody there was something about which i was lacking clarity on ,and was able to formulate it reading agutezachs post,from reading things here on gye im getting alot of chizuk but just wanted to know if s/o is an addict that means its a sickness which has no connection with yetzer hara , meaning if its a sickness its not yetzer hara ,if its yetzer hara ,then its not a sickness ,from what i gleaned from here. im getting tremendous chizuk  (Hashem should help further )from the preventive ebooks and archive chizuk emails  and not ALL but to me it seems that alot has to do and is intendid for addicts ,but  the word yetzer hara ,tumah,soton etc. are mentioned alot (i get chizuk as i mentioned )so is it both things its an addiction /sickness which is also yetzer hara?just asking.