HakolHevel wrote above:
@Dov yes you did respond to the question. I guess the follow up would be1) How does one define an addict vs a regular struggle.
2) I would agree that real friends are better, and most addicts need that, but I'm sure there are some that don't?
3) what's the g file and s file
1) In a very basic way, an
addict being powerless means that he or she is unable to really enjoy a little of a drug without
eventually having to go farther with it than he really wants to. The drug or the behaviors he engages in must be troubling him enough for him to feel that he cannot continue to live this way, but still does, even though he tries things like GYE, therapy, yiddishkeit, getting married - and even masturbating himself to 'get over it already' - yet
still continues to use the drug again or ends up living in a way that he finds repugnant in order to fight it.
Typically
addicts find that over time they get worse: progression. Though getting worse may be misunderstood by the
addict him or herself because we tell ourselves that "The fact that I do xyz less often means I'm getting better!" - while the
desperation may actually have increased, or the behaviors around xyz and become more risky and the lies we conjure to cover our tracks become more extreme.
Addicts also find they experience withdrawal without the drug, which in a religious person might be covered up using ecstatic Teshuva feelings that are amazing - but actually lead to acting lust out again even worse (see a post called "The Nuclear Reset Button" for more on that, if you like).
2) Gevalt, chaver, why do you say that
addicts need real friends but
normals do not? How do you know that you - I always assume you are normal - are just too ashamed of yourself and your behaviors to do what is good for you? Besides, R' Elimelech of Lizhensk was certainly not talking to
addicts when he wrote in #13 of his famous Tzet'l Kotton to speak to a real live friend, davka being completely open with him, and "V'al tchached
shum dovor mipnei habusha." Could you possibly think that when o chavrusa o misusa was said it meant
virtual friends?
Jeff Foxworthy tells a great joke, "You might be a redneck if you've ever proposed for marriage from a payphone." Do you get that? Or do you figure that virtual is 'basically the same as real'. Everyone knows there is a huge difference here - and
that is precisely why you and others avoid it.
Finally, (and worstly) there is surely a reason that phone sex does not constitute a kosher kiddushin. (admit that was funny)
The issue with being real and in person is not just an embarrassment issue. It's far deeper. Please read a post called "The Captain Kirk Moment" about this. GYE is great for a start - but the only thing I am really sharing with anyone here is the bad stuff about myself...that is half the story and gives little context to the bad stuff, hence little meaning so it remains tolerable. But if people - the one or two safe people you agreed to meet in person to come clean and start being honest - saw you and knew you and your life circumstances and reality, then the meaning of all that "zera levatolo and schmutz I saw again" is completely different! And we all know that that would really be 'forcing' the two "you's" into the same room - the room being the clarity in the other person's mind. And that's what everyone wants to avoid. Not what we do, but the context of it that gives the true reality of it, is the core of the shame.
And
addicts who have really hit bottom, overcome that shame
with their pain and therefore get together with other real
addicts face to face to get sobriety. We have no choice. This is what Chaza"l mean when they say "Hashem sent us allthe meviim and nevios to exhort Klal Yisroel -- and it all failed until Achashveirosh handed his ring over to Homon!"
True pain, real pain, is the only teacher, not all the Torah and neviim in the world. The Chaza"l is not saying Haman is better than Torah! And this Chaza"l is the simple answer to people who say "How can 12 steps work better than Torah, chas veSholom?!" Umm...Chaza"l believe that
Haman apparently works better than all the neviim (including Moshe Rabbeinu, btw). Pain is the great teacher. The
addict - and the non-
addict - sho is not yet willing to do whetever it really takes to get better and still has 'standards', just has not suffered enough yet, that's all.
3) S file in my phone is for guys who are SA members (a worldwide 12 step lust recovery group) and the G file is for the contacts I have who are strictly GYE members. I am proud of the ones who are GYE friends I have who are not
addicts and do not move to recovery like SA, for example - but many do choose to make that move and when it happens, I switch their first letter to keep 'em straight, that's all. So far it's dozens in both categories.
SA and 12 steps is certainly not for everyone and not even for every
addict. But I just share and keep things as clear as i am able be"H to anyone who wants to hear about it and consider it. Not a giant deal, really. Love is the main thing that's needed, not much more.
see the song "hashems the world" @1:54 and on "all the sleeping bears begin to wake up when it's spring" - Avraham Freid
Which reminded me of the back and forth we (and some others) had about opening up to real people, which I resisted for quite a while.
I took many hours of listening to Dovs talks, reading many of his and others posts a open invitation from people to talk, and finally my own pain to open up to others. However B"H I did it.
Since I started on this journey, I have messed up (not slipped which sounds like it was unintentional) only once in the last 110 B"H, and that was partially due to slacking off on being honest and open...
So my message to others out there who have not taken this step yet, I know it's not easy, and you will probably resist kicking and screaming like I did. But when you do open up (to safe people), the game will change.
)