The way I see it, addiction—especially porn—is like having an abusive partner in your mind. Your brain convinces you, manipulates you, and tells you you need what it wants. And the more you resist and then fail, the more powerful it becomes.

When it comes to most things in life, the more you practice, the stronger you get. 
➜ If you work out, your muscles grow.
➜ If you play the piano, your skills improve.

But with addiction, every time you resist and then give in, your brain learns that you’re not strong enough to fight back. The next time, it doesn’t start gently. It screams louder. It pushes harder.

Think of it this way: If you have a deaf relative, the first time you speak to them, you use a normal voice. They don’t hear you, so you speak louder and louder until you’re shouting. The next time, you don’t start at normal volume. You start at high volume. That’s what happens with your brain and addiction. The urge might be a whisper the first time, but after a while, it’s an all-out scream.

The brain learns to amplify the craving because it knows that’s the only way to get what it wants. It’s smart. It’s relentless. And it’s designed to get its needs met.

Should we give in?
Obviously not. But white-knuckling it through these urges isn’t the solution either. So what does work?

➜ This one might be controversial, but hear me out. Instead of trying to fight the urge 24/7, schedule it. Give yourself a specific time and place where you *allow* yourself to give in. That way, you’re not fighting a losing battle all day long. And often, when you get to that scheduled time, you’ll find you don’t even need it as much as you thought. You’re back in control - rather than the addiction controlling you, you now control the addiction. Slowly, you'll wean yourself off.

➜ For a lot of us, addiction isn’t about the act itself. It’s about regulating our emotions. Porn, for example, might be a way to escape sadness, stress, or boredom. But it only numbs those feelings temporarily. If this is why you’re turning to it, you need to find a healthier way to cope. Try journaling, meditation, or therapy. Something that helps you process, not just escape.

➜ The people at the most risk of addiction are those with a sense of meaninglessness—a lack of purpose. When you have a purpose and work towards something that feels bigger than you, the urges start to lose power. You stop feeling the need to fill the void with something that leaves you empty.

Sometimes, the best way forward is to stop focusing on the addiction and start focusing on your life. Because when you find meaning and purpose, the urge begins to become just that—an urge. Not a need.

And that’s when you take back control.

K here it goes:
I keep on seeing on this website that urges are like waves that come and go and by either riding them out, delaying, distracting yourself etc these urges will (eventually) pass.

By me I have noticed things a little different for the most part. 
Usually, after acting out etc I’ll feel disgusted, annoyed, depressed etc. For the next few days I nothing will trigger or even interest me at all. Then it will slowly start to pick up and I will push it off for a bit until I eventually give in.  For the most part it’s approximately a week or a bit more (at different points in my life it is more or less).
When these urges start to come I can usually push it off by (subconsciously?) telling myself that it’s fine I’ll give in tomorrow etc. Especially if the timing is not right, either because I’m busy, trying to be holy, need more privacy etc. it’s almost like my body knows I need it once a week and therefore I will have to give in at a certain point and I’m just pushing off and delaying the urge until the point of giving in. (I also (subconsciously?) tell myself that no more than once a week - that’s just too much and addictive etc and don’t do that).

Point is, that I don’t feel like the urge tactics help because the urge doesn’t actually go away. It just pauses and than resurfaces until I “need” to give in.

I amaware that obviously every delay and every time you push away is good etc but point is the urge feels more like one long continuous urge until I give in and not urges that come and go.

Here is an example: About two weeks ago I checked out the website and saw a lot of the f2f videos and even made a plan etc and started counting how many days I cud go. After a couple days it started getting harder and I kind of knew that sooner or later a trigger will come and I’ll “have” to give in, hoping that I’ll be able to outride it. About ten days later, last Sunday, I went out of town for the day (without my wife). I knew it was going to be hard. I held myself in the whole way until the way back home a two hr bus when I was near a “attractive” person. I knew I should probably move away but I didn’t. The urge grew bigger and bigger and I let it grow, gazing etc until eventually I decided to ignore all urge tactics and give in (especially that I felt like I already failed by gazing and not moving away etc). So I stayed put and then eventually took out my phone got past a certain unfiltered part of my phone and the rest is history. (I have since bh filtered that part of my phone too). 

The next day I started to count again and I’m hoping to do a full 90 days but at least until after Rosh Hashanah. 

I am wondering if anyone here has experience with these “continuous urges” and can share them or can point out some resources.

thank you everyone!

odyossefchai wrote on 23 Sep 2024 15:53:

To paraphrase something I once heard .... 

The only difference between a fellow with kedusha struggles and one without, is the fellow with kedusha struggles is honest and the other guy is not

rocky21 wrote on 23 Sep 2024 15:49:

Go ask 10 random couples and tell them you are a recovering SA. The women will be horrified, the men will be kicking themselves that you managed to kick the habit and they are still suffering from it!!!

Go to 10 random shabbbos tables and say I'm a recovering alcoholic most people would be wow good job try saying I'm a recovering porn addicted and look at there faces it's just a fact that people think that one should be above this 

rocky21 wrote on 23 Sep 2024 14:19:

To echo what OdYosefChai said. You just have to make sure you are sharing with a safe person, but anyone with a brain in their head should respect you for your accomplishments.

Six straight days of urges does not sound fun. Instead of pushing through it (which is great and shows a lot of strength) perhaps work on a way to have the urge melt away. Have you read the Battle of the Generation? Or listened through Dov's 12 step workshops? 

One day at a time brother. Today, just for today, accept that your having an urge, recognize that you don't have to give in today, and ask hashem to help you fight the urge and come close to Him.

Hatzlach! Keep on inspiring us!

Just wanted to add that the past 3 times I have failed it came after 6 days of stright urges and today is my 5th
Also it's so not fair that drug and alcohol addicts when they recover can say ya I was to be a alcoholic and that's like cool but as even after bh we recover we can't say I used to be a porn addicted cause everyone will be like wow what a perv this guy was so like wth

gibor1836 wrote on 23 Sep 2024 01:13:

Welcome gibor!
I must say, your introduction post is unique (See highlights in bold), the way you understand the problem of P&M and the effects it has on life, the way you understand yourself and who you really want to be (your username says it all!).. So all that's left for you is to figure out the best way forward...

The main tools that worked for me on my journey were/are:
1. F2F program. It gives you the will power to succeed and some great tools.
2. Reading the book The Battle Of The Generation (link in my signature), gives you a new perspective on this challenge.
3. I watched almost all the inspirational videos on GYE. 
4. Keeping in touch with so many special people on the forums! Whenever I'm facing a challenge, I get in touch with the oilem here and the care and support is heartwarming and inspiring! 
5. The 90 day challenge. It has to be done carefully though, with the correct ballance, on the one hand having a goal of 90 days is an incentive but on the other hand you've got to work on a day to day basis (the oilem here is very into ODAAT - one day at a time) otherwise one falls into despair... At the end of the day this 90 day challenge is what kept me going to sobriety.

One thing I haven't done yet - which seems to work wonders - is to speak to HHM and some other great guys here over the phone.... hopefully one day... 

Wishing you tremendous Hatzlacha!
And keep us posted!

חזק ואמץ
UpAndDown

gibor1836 wrote on 23 Sep 2024 01:13:

Wow. Congrats on sharing what must be very hard for you. Like many of us, you have these secrets that contain years of pain and suffering. 

Spend time browsing around and searching for wisdom. 
There are many people who will be able to sympathize with you and can offer you a shoulder to cry on. 
Others might even have some good advice. (Not me! I'm clueless!) 
But rest assured, everyone here is your friend! Everyone here has a story! 
Reach out to some of the biggest tzadikim you can imagine. People who are fighting their whole lives and have won! 
Sometimes I'm just in awe at the stories of the winners on this site. 
You'll get to know them and they won't disappoint. 
May Hashem give you strength to fight this battle. 
Don't stop smiling. 

That's definitely true but when I came here I was sure I'm in for lots of pain only talking about pain and dealing with pain of dropping something that I was so addicted to etc but I must say it definitely is extremely exciting to see that we can do this humerously as well looking forward to a great future with happiness not just with the pain of leaving the dark past thanks a million for all your great humor I really love it and I love laughing every time I read stuff on the forums it definitely gives a sensation of wanting to return and continue the great journey ahead so long as we can do it happily

rebakiva wrote on 23 Sep 2024 02:37:

I didn't get out easily ...... Humor isn't enough
It takes grit, determination, sweat and FRIENDSHIP

redfaced wrote on 22 Sep 2024 11:46:

If only we'd all have red-faced humor I believe we'll get out of this easily 
Simcha humor and laughter is always key

I'm still not sure why I am writing here. I am just letting my fingers do the writing as uncomfortable as it is. I've been on and off this site for a few years choosing to gain from the resources here without any contact with real human beings. I don't think it's easy for anyone to come out in public (even though it's anonymous), but struggling with social anxiety and anxiety in general makes it very difficult. But here goes...
Like many if not most healthy males, kedusha has been a struggle ever since I can remember; at least since puberty. Baruch Hashem my parents were pretty strict with internet so there was only so much I could access. But I made do with whatever I had. Only in my later years in yeshiva did consistent porn viewing become an issue. It starts with a borrowing a friends smartphone to watch movies and from there is downhill until you have your own phone using it for a few hours a night. I remember sneaking out in middle of shemona esrei by maariv to get a head start on my nightly routine.
With a combination of therapy and a fresh start in a new yeshiva I got past the worst of my addiction. Dating and the first few months of marriage were more or less clean. Not to say that I never gave in to a taavah but there was no serious acting out. But eventually the dream of all the taaavos going away by marriage start to fade. As much as you love your wife, she'll never be an actress or a porn star. The more you give in to the taavos the more you start to hyper focus on your wife's imperfections which then exacerbates the taavos. You try to trick yourself into thinking that if only your wife would like like this or do this then your issues will be solved. But in the end of the day we all know that that is not true and the yetzer hora will never give up (I hope he does though). 
So I'm here because I have nowhere else to go. Every time I think I've conquered the yetzer hora he's back again with something else. Or I'll be doing great and then I get hit with anxiety or depression and this is the only thing that will distract me. Or I had a fight with my wife or a bad day at work, it is the easiest escape out of real life and into fantasy land and pleasure. I think the thing about this that eats me up the most is the amount of time wasted. I love learning but for the life of me I just can't get myself to sit down and learn. I am very easily distracted even if it's "kosher" screen time. By the time I look up the night is gone. This is not who I want to be and this is only setting me back in getting to where I want to be. But try as I might there is no getting past this roadblock. As familiar as I am with this site I think I have not tapped in to the full potential of it and am missing out on a lot of what it has to offer. Just writing this is filling me with new hope. I am looking forward to hearing feedback and any suggestions as to how to get the most out of this site and this community. I probably have a lot more to say and I don't think I've shared all the details but I will quickly hit Submit now before I chicken out.

richtig wrote on 22 Sep 2024 19:26:

From what I have learned,
that the reason why I found this escape is a result of trauma,
but as long as I'm going back to my coping mechanism I can't get Healed from the trauma,
the addiction is acting as a trauma response,
but i have to build new skills how to respond differently,
so by taking in lust im not responding from a healthy place,
addiction is a combination of trauma and symptoms which is my drug of choice,
healing has to be physically (not acting out and self care, sleep, eating,)
emotionally to know how to deal with emotions and feelings,
mentally to build up self esteem and other negative self beliefs,(which is a result of trauma) and not to be obsessed about lust and sex,
and spiritually which is having a loving and close relationship with god, addiction is a god hunger,
I hope i have been clear enough,

whywatch wrote on 22 Sep 2024 11:27:

That'll be a firm yes. 
What have you been doing to try so far? Unfortunately 'Pushing thoughts about ladies bodies out of my mind " isn't quite enough. It''ll have to be replaced with a positive thought process.
Such as  Dibuk Chaveirim ( with YKW being the Dibuk and myself being the chaveirim)
Reading, re-reading and then reading again The Battle Of The Generation
And yes, possibly even going through the Flight to Freedom

And certainly reaching out to HHM ( if you haven't so far) @ michelgelner@gmail.com ( much cooler email address than Eerie's BTW) for custom tailored advice, delivered alongside a warm hug and if you're luck enough a sharp rap of the sledgehammer