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19 Jul 2018 20:12

Hank_Moody

A tough decision to make

Hey everybody.

I’ve come to a point in my life when I have to make one of the toughest decisions ever and I’ve no idea what to do. So I decided to share my story and maybe get some feedback which might help me.

For 3.5 years I’ve been dating a girl. Never cheated on her but always doubted that she’s “the one”, always wanted someone else, someone “better”, someone I didn’t have. Back then, I didn’t know that I was a sex addict and that behavior was typical of a sex addict.

Then about a year ago I started seeing a therapist and gradually came to a realization that I had a lot of psychological issues, sex addiction being one of them.

Then, some 3 months ago I joined SA and have been going to meetings and working with a sponsor ever since. I realized how sick I was, how twisted my brain was etc. etc. SA helped me to abstain from porn and masturbation, today I’m 88 days sober, but I still dream about other girls and still doubt that my girlfriend is “the one”, although we have great time together, she understands me, she knows about my sex addiction and even read the White Book.

For 3.5 years my girlfriend has been an angel: she accepted me, comforted me, lent me money and never asked for anything in return. Until recently. I mean…she still doesn’t ask for much. Just for our relationship to move forward. She wants to move in with me. And…I’m not sure I want this.

I mean, I like her. I don’t know If I love her because I’ve never loved anyone due to my emotional numbing…But I like her. And I can’t think of losing her. Losing all the great things we have together. But on the other hand, my sexaholic brain can’t think of not having all other beautiful women in the world, can’t think of never meeting “the one” etc. etc.

I’ve discussed this issue with my SA group and my sponsor and my therapist, the general consensus is that right now I still in the early stage of recovery and not sober enough to take such an important decision. I agree. And I even told my girlfriend that and she understands…But she can’t wait any more. She wants to move on, to live a normal life. So she wants me to make a choice. Move in together or separate. And so I don’t know what to do. I’m torn. One minute I’m thinking of moving in together, another minute I’m thinking of separating. I know you can’t make this decision for me but I’ll still appreciate any feedback as I’m terrified to make a wrong decision.

Thank you very much in advance.

Category: Break Free
19 Jul 2018 20:11

MottehPoisansky

Re: Finally going for 90 days
Actually, I wouldn't say I'm addicted to begin with. I wasn't entirely accurate there.

When my wife came home to find on the computer 7 years ago (just YouTube), when I was supposedly at a shiur, she was devastated. I had a wake-up call that I was escaping to the internet (in general, and specifically porn (on other occasions)).
I called an expert in addictions who asked me if I believe that I can stop. I said, yes. So he told me, in that case, make a strong decision to stop. and go for it.
What if I fall again? Just go for it again.
I guess I never reached rock bottom and felt helpless.
But I definitely have an obsessive habit of escaping to the computer and/or porn that I would like to change. Problem is I work on the computer and I'm just a geek. Social anxiety.
Category: On the Way to 90-Days
19 Jul 2018 19:59

mzl

Re: Finally going for 90 days
You should so lucky. That would mean you are not addicted. Addiction to GYE is just habit. Addiction is a real disease, where the brain is 110% positive that because some stimulus came in it will eventually do X, whether ten minutes or ten days from now.
Category: On the Way to 90-Days
19 Jul 2018 19:34

MottehPoisansky

Re: Finally going for 90 days
So as I mentioned, I think I replaced one addiction with another. now GYE is my "addiction"
I'm thinking I might belong in Underearners Anon.
Of course, I'm still going for my 90 days, one impulse at a time.
Category: On the Way to 90-Days
19 Jul 2018 10:34

JoyOfLife

Re: Phill's Philosophies
Very nice dvar Torah. I think that its one of the fundamental things that people and especially addicts struggle with. To rephrase it a little, the meraglim had to a certain level low self esteem. It also seems almost contrary to what we are supposed to be feeling during these days since I associate such times of mourning as sad ones in which we are to blame for. With that said a person can feel low which in turn causes him to sin which is clearly counter productive. Instead its recognizing that we are to blame but have the power to change things which is sad and painful yet at the same time motivating. The beis hamikdash was destroyed because of me - but I can rebuild it. I mourn what my actions caused - but I can fix it. My addiction caused me to waste a significant portion of my life (and I mean life in every aspect) - but I don't have to let that be the case anymore [I took the liberty to add some of my own thoughts in this regard since I feel that its within the same line of thinking that you started off with]
Category: Break Free
19 Jul 2018 03:19

MottehPoisansky

Re: Finally going for 90 days
So I spent almost a whole day on the forums. It's like i replaced one addiction with another. Except that this one will hopefully lead to positive growth.

Some very inspiring stories here. I hope to bring the inspiration into action using the accountability of the chart and forum.

Thanks guys!

Need to get back to work tomorrow. Got bills to pay so I dont get evicted and my kids kicked out of school.
Category: On the Way to 90-Days
17 Jul 2018 21:36

Shnitzel and kugel

Re: My sad story
Depending on whether you are an addict or not, some tools only help if you aren't addicted, best would probably be to talk to Casriel.
Category: Introduce Yourself
17 Jul 2018 18:35

mzl

Re: Forward Movement
I see. I think I have seen this in the past under the name "positive suggestion" or "reframing." I agree that it's a good idea.

I don't think it's that easy for people to learn about themselves that way. Often the problem is what some people around here call honesty, they don't learn because it hurts too much.

But I agree that an attitude of curiosity and the stubborn refusal to protect one's self image by using guilt etc. is the only way to learn anything. That is how I learned to peel away my addiction successfully. But I don't really think I figured out how to do it on my own. I think Hashem told me how to do it after I banged my head against the wall enough times that He got tired of waiting.

There is also the question of how quickly people learn in practice, and whether they and other people get hurt in the long wait.
Category: What Works for Me
17 Jul 2018 13:22

JoyOfLife

Re: Lousy Thoughts
I hope this doesn't sound too "frum" but I used to be addicted to computer games (even once finishing a game in one 13 hour sitting). It seems to me like an escape from reality and as such even if one plays games his whole life its not a solution to living life without lust. Its just replacing one fantasy with another. With that said it seems to me like an imaginary surgery rather than a true one assuming that I understood you correctly.

Oichila - First of all congratulations on making it here to gye. Your story sounds similar to mine in that I have been getting better for the past 2 years although not quite there yet so I came here. To respond to your question of advice of having bad thoughts I think that everyone's advice is definitely solid. Keep in mind that it takes time to build yourself up. It might be frustrating that you can't seem to control your thoughts but with time you'll get better at it. As long as you stay connected with others that went through this and are still going through it to a certain extent (which is what all the sober guys keep mentioning) you'll be successful. Its kind of a roundabout way of answering the question but I'm thinking long term. Hashem should give you tons of strength and hatzlacha in your struggle!
Category: Break Free
16 Jul 2018 21:31

growup

Re: Lousy Thoughts
Hey, welcome

In the language of gye - us strugglers, addicts whatever your challenge - it sounds what i have been suffering with - most of my life including today we call it "lusting". But have no fear - your in a good place. The oilam is here to help.
Category: Break Free
16 Jul 2018 04:09

i-man

Re: enough is enough!
It is now  4 weeks from when I fell , it was the 1st fall in 10 months , I was nervous that i would run with it and just let go , but Boruch Hashem I was determined to press forward, I opened up to people and to myself , I had to be honest and admit that while I was "clean" from porn and zl I was still full of lust and my big issue was that I still had the bad habit of touching improperly( i know some would consider that a fall i didnt, for me no porn or zl was tremendous this was small beans..) I spoke to one of the good people here and he helped me work out a plan as well as gave me the honor of being able to call every day to be accountable that I am not doing it . At first it was hard i didnt realize that i was still addicted to lust but BH i have been getting by and reaching new heights .
Turns out the fall was a game changer if not for it I would be almost a year "clean" but still to some degree cought in a whirlpool of lusting .
Thank you GYE and all of the amazing people who help me.
Category: On the Way to 90-Days
15 Jul 2018 17:11

cordnoy

Re: Getting back up quickly
tiefster88 wrote on 15 Jul 2018 17:06:
In my case I don't actually watch p***. My addiction has always been to just nudity.

It takes very little for me to get triggered. Just a pic of a woman with the skirt above the knee could do it. or even if the skirt is below the knee. actually even if its all the way to the floor.

I don't really see how I could keep away from triggers.I think I need to learn how to deal with them.

How true!
Category: What Works for Me
15 Jul 2018 17:06

tiefster88

Re: Getting back up quickly
In my case I don't actually watch p***. My addiction has always been to just nudity.

It takes very little for me to get triggered. Just a pic of a woman with the skirt above the knee could do it. or even if the skirt is below the knee. actually even if its all the way to the floor.

I don't really see how I could keep away from triggers.I think I need to learn how to deal with them.
Category: What Works for Me
15 Jul 2018 16:51

cordnoy

Re: My Story
JoyOfLife wrote on 15 Jul 2018 16:36:

grateful4life wrote on 15 Jul 2018 14:20:

JoyOfLife wrote on 15 Jul 2018 13:38:

mzl wrote on 15 Jul 2018 10:23:

JoyOfLife wrote on 15 Jul 2018 06:49:
I need some advice. When I first posted my story it wasn't the full story since I needed to get used to simply posting in the first place. One of the problems that I face when it comes to desire is my wife's lack of interest. Often times she will show herself to be interested during the day and at night say that she's tired and go to sleep. This happens frequently and there are times when 1, 2, 3, or even 4 weeks go by. Needless to say this makes things more difficult for me. Does anyone have a similar experience? Any advice would be appreciated, thanks!

This is what I do: at the moment she shows interest I tell this to myself, in my head: "I cannot know for sure that I'll be able to have s** with her tonight."

The point is you can't really know the future, there could be an urgent phone call, medical emergency, she forgot she had an appointmenf, the kids won't go to sleep, she got a headache, she got angry at me ...

On a practical level, she may be working too hard, so she's always tired.

To explain a little bit more. She is interested almost always during the day and tells me to wait till the night only to say she's tired. If this happened once in while then I could understand it but it happens regularly. In fact she is most interested when we are not allowed/can't be together for whatever reason. Its when it comes down to things that things change. Perhaps there are times when its just a loving touch (like cordnoy wrote) but more often than not its very clear that that's not the case. Also its not like we haven't spoken about this openly. I already know full well that 19/20 time she's interested during the day she's not interested at night so in my mind its not as difficult as it used to be to but it makes my struggle that much more difficult. She does work very hard but like I mentioned it happens almost all the time. I guess there really isn't much that I can do? Thoughts anyone?

I assume you've had an open and honest discussion with your wife about this (when you were both calm). 
How did that go?

In a nutshell she agreed that she has a problem and went to therapy for it. Didn't seem to help too much though...

mzl (I haven't figured out how to separate the quotes) - It definitely helps me not to have expectations. However, the problem is that being an addict when I have my wife being all interested and all is still at the very least a trigger. Even if I don't actually watch anything problematic it makes it much much harder to watch my eyes etc. 

Cordnoy - I try very much to put her first. Without going in to too many details whenever she isn't interested and we are together anyway it doesn't feel good at all. In fact it feels almost like rape even if she is willing (but not interested). You are most definitely right that this addiction boils down to anochiyus. Yet even with that said it feels like even if I totally overcome this struggle it won't make her more interested but I guess once it's not about me anymore then I won't care. To me that seems like an extremely high level and impossible for me to attain such lofty heights even with the "one day at a time" approach. By the way, I really took tons out from what I read from your threads. It's probably going to take me a good while to finish reading them though. I very much identify with many aspects of what you went through and I really appreciate you being there for someone else who could use the help. Thank you

Good stuff.

No need to get on a high level in one minute or two. I'm still tryin'.
Category: Introduce Yourself
15 Jul 2018 16:49

mzl

Re: My Story
cordnoy wrote on 15 Jul 2018 14:53:

mzl wrote on 15 Jul 2018 10:23:

JoyOfLife wrote on 15 Jul 2018 06:49:
I need some advice. When I first posted my story it wasn't the full story since I needed to get used to simply posting in the first place. One of the problems that I face when it comes to desire is my wife's lack of interest. Often times she will show herself to be interested during the day and at night say that she's tired and go to sleep. This happens frequently and there are times when 1, 2, 3, or even 4 weeks go by. Needless to say this makes things more difficult for me. Does anyone have a similar experience? Any advice would be appreciated, thanks!

This is what I do: at the moment she shows interest I tell this to myself, in my head: "I cannot know for sure that I'll be able to have s** with her tonight."

The point is you can't really know the future, there could be an urgent phone call, medical emergency, she forgot she had an appointmenf, the kids won't go to sleep, she got a headache, she got angry at me ...

On a practical level, she may be working too hard, so she's always tired.

It's a good thought and a start, but ultimately it is still about the "i" and how you can be satisfied. Many of us need to learn on how to focus on her. Until we do that, we are bound for a life of fightin' and strugglin' (and gettin' her to dress up or down and putting her in uncomfortable positions (literally and figuratively)). 

I think I see your point, but I think the idea of focusing on her is still about you. You are just redirecting in order for you to be free of your addiction. It's dishonest to think you are being altruistic when you are really acting altruistic for the purpose of good mental health.
Category: Introduce Yourself
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