mzl wrote on 10 Oct 2018 15:58:

Many many people have 'difficult' marriages but they work on it, and don't consider the seeming quick and easy route of moving out as you have mentioned sometimes

I know what it can be and I feel for you, but not working on building the relationship with the wife and progressing in life with a coach for yourself is just gonna keep the old wheels spinning, and mitigates the good old "Keep On Trucking forward" motto

Seems you like writing out your daily thoughts here, and maybe you do as some others do - alot of thinking with a daily journal of data entries. I would be stuck if that's all I had, but maybe if you'd heed Dovs suggestion it would help you, if you're interested... your choice bro!

I had a dream that I was crying on my mother's shoulders. We were both crying from joy for bringing a family back to Judaism and putting together a new generation. And then I asked her for forgivness crying and saying I didn't know what I was doing to her.

Years ago she davened for a new generation of Jews, to correct what was done to her father's family. I ended up becoming frum and getting married.

But I was bipolar and I ended up marrying a person who was like an impossible task to live next to, a historic achievement. Someone that was relegated to being single for the rest of her life (but I saw the sweet girl inside.) Normal, healthy options seemed hopelessly depressing. Also, she turned out to have old, deep seated anger and zero tolerance for my addiction. Like Rashi says, when he is behaving she'a an ezer, and when he doesn't she k'negdo.

But then my mother saw that I was that I was suffering, depressed and next to a person who couldn't have good feelings for me. I had kids by then so I had to stick with it. She had chronic pain for years which I think Hashem sent her when she thought "help my poor son." But Hashem could not hear these thoughts of her without preventing her dream of a new generation. The pain prevented her from thinking that tefilah.

In the meantime I spent years dealing with my problems and being unhappy, and I didn't understand what was going on. I think that is why I was asking for forgiveness in the dream.

I don't usually have this type of dream. I think was Dov's z'chus having pity on me, or maybe someone else. You always forget about this forum that the users have a lot of power to feel sorry for the other users. Or it might be Mike S. At any rate: thank you for your good thoughts.

Hi ManWhoStumbles,
  I am also a teen (I assume you are too) who is struggling with mzl and inappropriate images and videos that unfortunately is becoming an almost inherent part of modern popular culture. BH I dont have problem with p**n or n*dity anymore. Im 17 in 2 months.

  I find my struggle similar to yours in that I too find myself wasting too much time doing unproductive things which may sometimes be chas veshalom sinning. There is hardly any interaction with people outside my family except in school (I'm in a public pre-college level school). After school I  try to stay at home all the time except to go to the synagogue. It is only as I write this do I realised my problem.... The lack of social interaction is most probably because I'm lazy. I should try to change...  Addiction makes us more isolated,  I also feel that being isolated makes us more vulnerable to the attack of yetzer hara. I remember watching a video linked under "Markz"'s profile about the nature of addiction. Under isolated and high stress conditions our body tends to normalise unhealthy stimulation while with social interaction and healthy relationships our body rejects the unhealthy stimulus option. Not sure if I recalled correctly but the idea is like that.

  Here is what helped me: I try to set myself a target, a goal that I wish to achieve (like getting rid of p**n/ stop watching youtube videos with untznius content). The goal must be something that you want to achieve in the sense that there are many pull factors (e.g. spiritual and physical health, a normal life). So far the reasons/motivations to fight your addiction, that you have underlined, are almost all push factors, they are about the harms the addiction is causing. Awareness of the harms of our addiction also helps me fight yetzer hara, and is perhaps the deciding factor that spurs us to start seriously fighting the addiction, and to sign up for GYE in the first place. But t is very important to have a clear picture what who you want to be, what kind of life you want to have. Only then can we (at for least me) start working on our problems with substantial progress. It is like you want to leave a place and it helps to have a destination in mind. 

  On the area of filling life with meaningful activities, I haven't had much success but from experience I have learnt that it helps to have a goal for the day, or even the next few hours. I always have a list of things to do in case I feel bored at home. Again I think having some objectives in mind in addition to the determination of breaking bad existing habits is helpful. Let's face it, it is extremely difficult to fill all our free time with the most meaningful and productive things (e.g. learning Torah or studying in general). It's good to find something light that you also enjoy (e.g. playing an instrument, reading a book).  
 I used to be addicted to games (at least 1.5 hours everyday and it was a battle royale violent type of game). Once you are in the game, it's hard to decide to close the entire thing, it's like another reality (a fake reality). BH I was lucky that I slowly got bored of the game I played and games in general. I was thinking that all games are pretty much the same, you control a character and you try to move your hands quickly. It dawned upon me that playing a game (we all want to win) is about seeing who spends more time practicing the hand movements, in other words to see who spends/wastes more time/a greater portion of life practicing the repetitive hand movements. This reality was in front of me. Winning doesn't have any meaning at all if you are not too concerned with who can do the hand movements faster. This may be insensitive to gamers but this is what helped me stay away from games and it is my genuine opinion.

  I don't follow any sport but I think there is no harm with sports per se. Many people on GYE has pointed out that exercising helps in fighting s*xually-related addictions by acting as an healthy "outlet". So I think there is no problem with following a sport especially if you are looking at the technical skills of professional players and trying to enhance your own game. If you are in countries with football as some sort of "national sport", e.g. UK, it may be quite natural to follow the sport as everyone is talking about it. I once asked a (non-jewish) friend in school why he is always reading football news and watching football videos, he replied that for him it's mostly about the build up. I always see him reading about UK football which I feel is indeed over-advertised and even sensationalised. Of course I can't generalise but if you are following football mainly because of the speculation part or the sensation/hype (or even angst) then maybe stop watching football videos is a good idea. The general rule of thumb for me is to not follow anything that I have no stake in. I find many things especially in pop culture to be always seeking your attention and turning it into profit without any regard of whether you need it or whether the matter concerns you in anyway. 

  Last but not least, to me being overly ambitious in my plans to fight my addiction usually doesn't turn out to be very effective because it makes the struggle seem harder disincentivises me

Hatzlacha!

Ftndrug wrote on 09 Oct 2018 21:34:

Some people upon falling binge big time. If you catch yourself right away, which it appears you did by posting honestly and reaching out, it shows a healthy (probably non-addict mind). And I was serious about the celebration. Hatzlocha. 

iwilldothis wrote on 09 Oct 2018 10:55:

Congrats on getting to where you are! This may be totally random, but it came to mind when I read your post: It's funny, for myself, thinking that I can't have certain thoughts has hurt me a lot. It feeds into my whole addiction of "Oy, I'm having these thoughts, what can I do! I gotta get rid of them!". This leads to resistance, and then to the inevitable setback

Sometimes it's not helpful to create limitations for ourselves, even seemingly positive ones like "I can't do this by myself". Perhaps, a simpler way is just to say, "Hey, reaching out has helped me stay in a good place, so I'm going to schedule in periodic visits to the forum". 

Hope that was helpful for someone, I know it helps me  

Hatzlacha! 

Well, you know very little about my situation. You also don't know what my situation used to be like, versus how it is now. And I think that's a very important detail and very relevant. It appears to me from the way you respond to most of the advice given you (and certainly to most of the criticism) that you judge the perspective of others rather quickly, to exclude/exempt yourself...

The truth is that there are probably many guys like you, and that you and your marriage arrangement and even your secret details, are probably easily understood by many other people with issues of their own that are quite similar.

As long as your main connection is through this public forum, you will never really get the help that you need. Because you are right! It is 100% true that an open internet forum is no place for anyone to set out their dirty laundry - therefore it is no place to get the real help that anyone with real life problems needs. The problem is that your contentions that 1- you are unique, 2- that your problems are not really worth trying to explain because they are not understandable by other people, and that 3- even if they could be understood by others this forum is unfortunately not a safe enough place to reveal them...are all just excuses you are using to continue managing your whole situation yourself, the way you want to. There's nothing new there, many people have outgrown this forum yet still hiding it behind a fake name for one excuse or another and never grow past it to get better. You don't have a leiv nishbar, and that's ok. It's not a requirement/chiyuv. I sincerely doubt that you are an addict and I never try to convince anyone that they are an addict or to work the Steps.

Should it ever arise that you decide that you do want better for yourself than you and your intelligence can ever provide, then I'm confident that you will make different choices and get real help. Leiv nishbar refers to the broken egotism, obviously, and we are told it is a very precious thing.I believe that real help can be found in many places...as long as it is really real.

Your life and relationships as you describe them, do not happen to appeal to me. But I respect your choices and preferences and if you are okay with what you've got then who am I to say it's not good enough?

Have a good day, chaver!

My lust addiction is one of my biggest assets today.

It has forced me to do find a relationship with Hashem in a depth and a quality that I couldn't have ever imagined.

Sounds crazy I know. But it's the reality. And I'm so grateful.

I've been where you are. The ups and downs. The hopes dashed. The guilt and the self hatred.

Ive been there. For so many years.

But there is so much hope.

Hellow brothers...
I need your input, you help me all the way till today, and i need now your help... I had a vey awful ending yom tov, despite being clean for the longest time, in terms of my hands, eyes and thoughts, im putting in lots of effort not to look and not to think about stuff we are not allowed to, and after all, i had a wet dream simchas torah, i fully acted out in my sleep, i never ever had such a thing, it was the first time experience in my life, even back in my bed days, i never had such a thing, but now it happaned, i got up very disappointed, why it happaned, so i had a choice to be depressed and drop everything and go back down the hill, or to forget about it, and just look forward, and to go to shul to dance with the torah, and i did the last one, but i was thinking why it happaned? I mean, im clean for so long, so what happened now? After giving it a lot of thought i came to the conclusion that hashem wanted to teach me, that "i" am doing nothing to prevent anything like that, and has nothing to do because im watching on myself, its all about hashem, and he showed me, that even i put in all my affort to stay clean it wont help, i still need help from hashem, and only he can help me to stay clean...

So my million dollar question is, do i reset my count of clean days or not.... what would you do in such an instance.....

I had a very interesting story this choil hamoed, i went to upstate to visit my father in law, i had my entire family in the car, and i had a choice to take the BQE and not to pass manhattan, which is very bed to us as addicts/survivors, but its much more expensive due to the tolls and more millage, or i could go through manhattan which is less expensive but not healthy to my and my boys kosher eyes, so i ask Hashem, that i will take the more expensive way, but i would like to get back my money that same day, and ill get a clear hint from heaven that this is the right approach, and that hashem likes me.. guess what, as soon i got to my father in law, i opened the door of the house, my father in law took out $200 and tells me, this is for you, for the travel expenses, gas and toll, plus change..... i almost cried for joy, that hashem showed me that he loves me.....

So... to all of you, dont forget to ask hashem to help you and all of us to stay clean, Tefilah helps, dont underestimate it... hashem is waiting for our tefilas

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts"

One Day At A Time, dont look backwards and dont look forward, only what's happening now.... so you will succeed.. and remember to do lots of Tefilah.... it helps..

Let’s Stay Strong! Let’s Stay Clean! And let’s be positive and happy, Yes! We can and we will do it! And Together

A clean and Day to all of you....

I was thinking about this concept I learned years ago, it's called basar temusos (the flesh of the dying?) - animals that are sick and are shechted in a hurry - as a metaphor for something which can't be prohibited but which is bad news. For some reason it really resonated with me. I think I heard it used to describe a relationship with an isha yifas tohar and the resulting child. It's basar temusos.

For a long time I felt that's what my marriage was - basar temusos - because I got married to use my wife.

Later on I recognized my bipolar disorder and my addiction and I changed the rules the determine my worth, and since then it's been mostly fun, though my ruchnios suffered.

I have to say though that when I first saw my wife I had this impression of someone who was looking for a husband who would be a mommy and a tatty to her, and I was right on target. When I play that role for her she kind of melts, it's fun to watch.

I still think the expression basar temusos is brilliant for some reason ...

No amount of reasons will stop me.

That's because I am blessed with an obsession.

An obsession will override any reason or logic.

The only solution that works for me is the spiritual one.

The spiritual solution removes the obsession.

Please don't ask me to explain it.

It is something that has to be experienced, not explained.

Can I explain to you what chocolate tastes like?

No. You have to taste it and then you'll know.

For those who identify as an addict I have the 12 step program to recommend. 

Nothing else.

It sounds like you are able to perform with women, at least in your head. I don't think you need to develop your desire further at this stage. After you get married you can develop your specific desire for your wife. Everybody knows that the longer you've been with a woman, the better you know her, the more you desire her. Just spend a lot of time together, see her in different settings, dressed in different ways etc.



Lust is not a bad thing if your wife wants you to lust after her. Around here "lust" is overloaded to mean the maladaptive reaction some of us have to desirable things. You can fight true lust by learning a lot if gemara, if you are not an addict.



If right now you feel like you can't stop masturbating then you have work to do.

Gevura Shebyesod wrote on 04 Oct 2018 15:57:

Only one RECOVERING addict that is.

Gevura Shebyesod wrote on 04 Oct 2018 15:57:

Does he need to do all 12 steps ?

moish u.k. wrote on 04 Oct 2018 15:24:

 Only one, But he has to change it every day.

How many addicts does it take to change a lightbulb? 

100 (of course!).

The first 99 get flustered and run away to escape.

Untill one comes along and lights up the path for everyone else...