chaimoigen wrote on 29 Oct 2024 21:09:

Assistant (to the) regional manager Oigen, sorry to hear about your wife and your situation. I hope things get better soon.

An outstanding question you've asked. A close friend asked me the same question after YT (a real, live person). There's some confusion; perhaps writing it down might shed some light.

The rational person in me knows that porn, like any other drug, is a way of numbing, or as you put it, distracting. But another voice in me (not sure if it's the addict or another rational guy - there's quite the party in there) says that, unlike cocaine or heroin, porn has another element in addition to its numbing factor. And that is the story it tells.

A childhood abuse victim/survivor can watch a movie like Forrest Gump or Good Will Hunting and feel validated. They might want to come back and watch it again because of how it validates their experience of life. I feel like there's a similar element in porn. There's a certain vulnerability that I wish I'd have (but am not putting in the work to obtain it) - and I'm not talking specifically about in the bedroom - that's portrayed in the videos I usually seek out. If what I just posited is true, then I'd say it's more than just a distraction.

Now, before the peanut gallery patrons start starts telling me that porn is not authentic, it's staged, these people are broken, yada yada yada. I know. Forrest Gump was also staged.

Acting out on those moods definitely make things worse but for me, I think, it starts with the mood, and if I don't take care of it right away I end up acting out. When I'm otherwise in a stable good mood I don't go to P&M... 

Thanks for the Chizzuk

helperfromheaven18 wrote on 30 Oct 2024 02:30:

If at all possible, you may want to do yourself a favor and get a Kosher flip phone without texting for six months. You can stop worrying about these problems.

hey. just a background of myself. I'm a 22 year old bachur who has been struggling with these problems since 8th or 9th grade. the journey to stop this behavior only really started seriously for me 2 and a half years ago. I've been on and off but the struggle has been a constant companion of mine. I'm naturally very hard on myself and only recently I've worked on myself to not kill myself every time i fall. i just wanted to get a story off my chest finally. I'm sure some of you know about this... there are these people on WhatsApp who prey upon jewish whatsapp groups offering all sorts of porn content. over the last 3 or 4 years i waited to get a text from one of these people so i can get some sort of content for my addiction. there are plenty of these people so i got many of these texts. most of these people were pretty stupid so what I would do was ask them for a sample but never ask for too much that i would have to pay. this almost always worked but there was always a fear I've had of getting exposed by these people so i never actually did anything ilegal. also, most of these people were random dudes from Africa who thought this was a way to get easy cash (and unfortunately it must have worked many times for the amount of scammers there are doing this). so the story is this past peisach i got a text from one of these numbers asking if i remembered her (or him). i saw that this is a number that I've texted before but these people usually delete their texts or try again to get money. so i replied making believe that we had no history. she started writing back that i stole from her and she's going to expose me. i freaked out... i overthink like crazy so my mind went to every possible situation i was going to find myself in... none of them good. eventually i decided to block the number which prompted a text from another number saying they're going to get me and mess me over. i blocked this number too and continued freacking out. face burning feeling like i have a fever shortness of breath i had it all. the first days of peisach were horrible. i was terribly nervous that at that moment everyone knew what I've done and my peisach was ruined. i felt nauseous the entire peisach. after i saw that i got a text from a random number again and i decided that my strategy is blocking the random numbers and forgetting about it all. but that proved impossible. its a half a year later and i jump every time i get a innocent scam call (which happens a lot for some reason) every time my phone buzzes from a text my heart sinks. that's basically the story. recently in yeshiva I've been doing much better with the struggle. i would masturbate once a week or once every 2 weeks. and i was preparing myself to be even better but then bein hazmanim hit and its a bit worse. that's my story regarding this. so i just wanted to ask you guys a few things: do you guys think I'm overthinking with the whatsapp stuff and calls stuff? it kills me and makes me hard on myself which leads to p&m. i kind of know that I'm overthinking and stressing too much but every time i think about it, it destroys me.
any tips?(also random question... is it a good idea for one who is struggling to start shidduchim.)      thanks

I think It's finally time to share my story. Even If one person gets some chizzuk from it, It will be worth it. I'm going to try and write it in order but some of the details are a bit hazy...
I grew up in a regular heimish family. We lived out of town because my father was a kiruv rabbi, (he himself a BT originally) and we went to school in the nearest frum kehilla, about a half hr drive from us. I suspect that the fact that we lived so far away from all my friends caused me to not to develop that well socially and I remember always feeling like an outcast throughout my school and some of my yeshiva years.
My first memories of having urges go back to when I was probably about 10 when I remember going to a local playground and being tempted to look at some girls who had a bit of stomach showing. Another more dominant memory from around then was watching my non jewish neighbours sunbathing in their back garden for extended periods of time. At the time I didn't know what was happening to my body and was confused; "Why does looking at the neighbours make me need to go to the toilet?
After that, I moved on to things like searching for women's underwear on eBay and the like on my moms tablet. I didn't know why, but I knew I enjoyed it so whenever I could get my hold of it, I would be searching for whatever I could get my hands on, erotica, underwear etc, desperate not to get caught. One time, I remember my mom calling me to her room, asking if I had been searching for this stuff. (I had forgotten to delete my eBay search history). First, I denied it but then, when pressed a bit more I opened up and told her it was me. I don't remember what she said but I remember that she didn't go mad at me. Came my bar mitzva and I decided to buy a nintendo switch with all the money I got. After convincing my parents that it wasn't bad and you couldn't even do anything on it, they finally let me get it. That started pretty innocently and soon I wanted to get a game that had female characters that were not so appropriately dressed. I was always pretty open with my parents and I didn't like doing things behind their back so I asked my father if I could get it. He did his research and sat me down and gave me a bit of a kedusha talk, saying that men can be aroused by these things and I quickly assured him that it wasn't an issue. (He wasn't naïve, he just has a parenting approach of; he tells us what he feels is right or wrong but only we can make the final decision). So I got the game. I remember pretending I was ill and skipping school the next day bc I just wanted to play it all day.
Then one day I worked out how to download youtube. I locked myself in the toilet and proceeded to search all the "key words" that I had learnt. I didn't actually know how to be mz"l so I just sat there and watched for a while. I felt terrible afterwards and told my parents about what I had done. My father was not happy. I thought to myself; "why is he upset? I could've not said anything and just hidden it and yet I came and told him". Looking back, I think he was just concerned about what I had seen. Anyway they found a way to block it and that was that.
During this time, often when I was in the shower I would masturbate but not till the point of hz"l. I always stopped myself before. I remember the first time though that I actually did it "till the end". I had to mentally push myself not to stop as I had a part of me that didn't want to let me fall. I remember feeling awful afterwards. After that, the next time was only a few months later but after that it just became more and more frequent.
At 15, I went to yeshiva ketana out of town. I was in my first elul zman and alot of guys had smartphones/devices behind the yeshivas back. Not having any idea what yeshiva was about, seeing all this made me think that yeshiva was chill with it and you could easily get away with it. So I bought an MP4 video player. I started with innocent tv shows but then got a few movies from my friend which were quite bad and I would "reference" back to these whenever I wanted to masturbate. One day, during the course of a conversation, my friend asks me, "have you ever watched porn?". I asked him what it was and got my answer. Winter zman arrived and my daily schedule looked something like; watch movies till like 3 in the morning, sleep till 12, watch again till 3pm and then go to yeshiva. Yeshiva picked up on the fact that I must have a device and the day came when the mashgiach searched my room while I wasn't there and found the device. I got suspended for a couple of weeks and had to pay a hefty fine and a deposit to ensure I wouldn't own such a device again.
While I was at home, a friend called me, saying he had bought a tablet and we could watch porn on it. For the rest of my stay a home, I had a burning desire to get back to yeshiva to watch porn and that's one of the first things I did when I got back. We went into a room together and had a "good" session of watching. That was my first time. After that, I would borrow his tablet from time to time to get a little fix. 
Came pesach bein hazmanim and the inevitable happened. I worked out how to get around the block my parents put on my nintendo and now had full access to youtube (which as I'm sure we all know, can be just as bad as actual porn). This was the start of a real downhill slide. At times, I would be mz"l 3 times in one viewing session. I was hooked. Anything to do with lust that I could get my hands on, my hands got on it. 
I think it was summer Bein hazmanim when I bought a "kosher" phone with internet. I convinced my parents that the internet didn't actually work and they let me keep it. This was the start of my real porn addiction. (I cringe as I write that word...). I was watching probably everyday, potentially multiple times and was really not doing well. Bored? Porn. Tired? Porn. Upset? Porn. It was an escape for everything. Anyway, sometime later on in that year, my mashgiach took the phone away. Not because he knew what I was doing on it but simply because we were not allowed phones that had video playback capability. I convinced him to give it back to me on condition that I would send it back to amazon. He gave it to me and I fell with it a few more times before I got fed up and finally returned it.
Now I was back to M during zman while "catching up" in bein hazmanim.
It came to a point in my third year when I started contemplating change. Then one of my rebbeim gave a shmuz about a guy who was in exactly my position and I felt like he was talking directly to me. I decided; that's it. I'm taking the plunge and opening up to someone about waht was happening in bein hazmanim. It was a scary conversation. I vividly remember being terrified that I was going to be cutting off something I so heavily relied upon.
I had my sisters wedding coming up and I would be home for about a week. I wanted this to be the time for change. I got my mashgiach to speak to my parents about putting away my nintendo for when I came home. I then went and bought a tablet which we put a non jewish filter on which didn't block much. Basically just hardcore P but everything else was open. I was ready for real change but deep down I was too scared to fully restrict myself from my whole life while I was at home. I managed to pass the first few days of being at home for the wedding without failure but after that the pressure was too much and I gave in. It was a step in the right direction though.
This carried on for the next couple of bein hazmanims until I decided enough is enough. I scrapped the tablet plan and got a laptop instead and installed techloq. This was better but I quickly found a way to carry on watching schmutz.
At the end of that year, I went to yeshiva in Israel. Sukkos bein hazmanim was a repeat. Initial inspiration after Yomim Noroim, (it was actually then that I posted my first post here) but I quickly wore off.
Winter zman was when it all changed. GYE launched their shovavim program and I knew I had to join even though I wouldn't make it to the grand event. I had renewed energy, taking the challenge of getting to 50. Those days were amazing. Finally realising that I can actually live without this garbage. It was getting easier and easier but as I got closer to the end, I had to decide; do I indulge the second the 50 days are up or do I carry on from 50 and try get to 90. Day 50 came and I was torn inside. Should I set up a Taphsic method which would keep me in check further or do I let the YH win. I went with the first option. The relief after making the shvuah was overwhelming because that was what I truly wanted. 
However, Pesach bein hazmanim was approaching. I decided that this one is going to be my first totally clean one. I got webchaver on top of techloq and BH BH BH had my FIRST BEIN HAZMANIM CLEAN. Was such an indescribably good feeling! BH I am happy to say that I have kept it up until now and I'm just finishing my tenth month clean!! There are still ups and downs and it's always a fight but it's just a different world. I no longer have to come up with excuses as to why I was in the toilet for so long, or quickly hiding stuff when someone comes up the stairs. I have myself back!

I'm not putting out my story to brag about my successes. It's just that I'm sure that there are many other people who are in a similar situation to mine and I am living proof that you CAN get out!!!!!
Keep fighting brothers and thanks for hearing me out. It feels really good to put it all in to writing!!   

   I would definitely get mood swings that I couldn't explain and sometimes didn't even realize unless someone else remarked on my mood. I BH now have been off porn and masturbation for enough time that these mood swings don't come as often. Things like stress are way more manageable than when I was using masturbation to regulate myself subconsciously. 
   
Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

Hi everyone. There are a couple of points I would like to hit up.
1. Someone suggested that my problem might be depression. I've been to many therapists in my life, and while I've experienced feelings of depression, it was usually chalked up to my inability to deal with my other mental issues. Once I worked on those, the sadness dissipated. That being said, my cynical tendencies are not helping my situation. 
2. I had a streak of ninety days recently. I think the idea that helped me the most of anything is a YouTube short. In it, a lady was talking to a drug addict about how to deal with his addiction. She told him that he has to accept to deal with any pain that would result of him being sober, no matter how horrifying. This helped me a lot. When I was extremely stressed and "needed" to let loose, I was able to tell myself that I already knew this was coming, and had accepted it already. This helped me embrace the pain of not giving in. I only messed up once I decided that I didn't want to deal with the pain.
3. I messed up recently. I had a streak from Erev Rosh Hashana until yesterday. I want to try the above-mentioned method again. Wish me luck.
4. Welcome to all new members. I've skimmed a lot of posts, and for many people, it seems that the root cause is not masturbation. I feel comfortable saying that most people on this forum can use a good therapist. If you haven't tried it yet, please do. For those that have tried and it's not working, stay with it. I went to many therapists before I even tasted mild success. It was so worth it once I found the right one. 

dreamyunicorn28 wrote on 28 Oct 2024 17:05:


He's a malach!! 
That's who he is! 

dreamyunicorn28 wrote on 28 Oct 2024 17:19:

Yes,
Username: HashemHelpMe

Interesting stuff... I wonder

Is he a user on GYE?

dreamyunicorn28 wrote on 28 Oct 2024 14:02:

Welcome, Dreamy Unicorn! 

Interesting question!

I think that for some people, the answer is yes. 

I sometimes find myself struggling even when feeling great. This could be because my brain is already trained to be addicted to the chaos of a p&m "cycle of death and rebirth" (Dov has written about this, it basically means that an addict struggles with just existing, just being, without somehow numbing that state of existence)...or it can sometimes be a subconscious way of releasing stress AFTER I am already consciously  feeling better. Sounds weird, but that is how it can sometimes be for me...figured I'd share that. 

dreamyunicorn28 wrote on 28 Oct 2024 17:05:

oh gosh, hes the mentor the honorary prime minister hashem help me, 

email him at michelgelner@gmail.com

Who's HHM?

100%. It is used as a depression reliever, stress reliever, anxiety reliver. So on and so forth.

But you don't need to. Reach out, connect with the oilam here. If you feel brave reach out to HHM. You can, and will learn other ways to deal/cope instead of falling to P and M 

Hatzlocha on your journey!