So I figure that I should once again check-in to my personal journey to 90 days forum post. BH, I just celebrated 14 days clean, today was my 15th day. As I've said before, in truth I am 17 days clean, but 15 days in a serious course of recovery. I have been checking into GYE website several times a day whether it is to read articles, check in on forums, have personal chats, or most importantly work the GYE principles. I have a penzu account (a really wonderful resource for those who are still hiding their "dirty little secret" and need an online journal that they can write openly in without fear of being discovered) that I write daily in and have been doing reflections on the GYE principles. 
Just to do some honest self-reflection and to be open with you all, even though I am 15 days clean, I find myself looking at posts from people who have had accounts for several years, but don't have serious amounts of clean time. I know that this is coming from the yetzer hara, since how ridiculous is it to look at someone with maybe 50-70 clean days and scoff at them when I only have 15 days?! However, I think it's really important for me to identify these moments of arrogance so that I can realize the absurdity of them, where they are coming from, and what the yetzer hara is trying to use them for. Rabbi Shalom Arush says in his amazing book "The Garden of Peace" that the ultimate root of lust is arrogance. When a person is arrogant, they feel that they can have pleasure without any sort of necessity to give in return. This is the exact nature of my addiction: I seem to have some "peter pan syndrome" where I'm afraid to grow up and as a result, I would much rather not have to work for my pleasure and just look at porn and masturbate instead. In a sense, correcting my addiction to lust is correcting myself as a human being since my lust is ultimately the false self-medicated panacea that I've used to treat symptoms of a diseased existence, one in which the self has been placed at the center and all responsibility as been pushed away like the plague. But no more! I can and will be the man that I know I am supposed to be! The man that my wife wants and my children need me to be for them.

Just wanted to express my gratitude to Hashem, and to my program fellows, my family and friends for being patient with me, through my journey so far.  From a hopeless lower bottom addict, with a very pronounced same sex lust template, I have emerged as a productive, functional, growing, grateful, recovering sexaholic.  My life has meaning, I have so many wonderful connections that span the globe,  My famliy life is better.  My prayer life is deeper.  I pinch myself everyday.  Is this a dream?  The message I want to share with all of you is "THERE IS HOPE!". 

Shalom Aleichem! My baby daughter woke me up at 5:30 and as I was trying to rock her back to sleep (didn't work) I realized that I hadn't said modeh ani or washed neigel vaser so even though I'd already been up and walking around for close to 5 minutes, I decided to still say modeh ani. Then it hit me with complete detail as to how modeh ani can be the secret to overcoming our addiction. I am a Lubavitcher chossid, so much of this is going to come from the chassidus I've learned on modeh ani, but I think that what might make it a bit different is the application in our lives.

We begin by saying modeh ani before anything, even before washing negel vasser. And we beging by declaring the ultimate nature of a Jew, a yehudi:  I am grateful. However, we can read this as "I am being modeh the ani." I am giving up and giving over the ani that is within myself. Meaning, not only am I being m'vatel myself, but whoever I think I am, any sense of self, any sense of who I am with my predispositions, limitations, etc. I am giving that up and giving that over....to Who or What? To l'fanecha, to Hashem, but not just Hashem. In chassidus, many times when it talks about Hashem in a way that is "before Hashem", it can be read as meaning a time (so to speak) that was before shem Havaya, before Hashem brought anything into being, before the tzimtzum, to the yesh amiti. In chassidus it talks about a yeshi amiti and a yesh hanivreh, the yesh hanivreh is us; we are a created self from which any sense of autonomy is complete sheker. Yesh amiti on the other hand is true existence and since it is true, it therefore is hiskayim. So what we are essentially saying is that I am giving over the yesh hanivreh to the yesh amiti.

Afterwards, we say "Melech chai v'kayim" we are recognizing that Hashem is a living and enduring King, however, another way of reading it is that our level of modeh should be like a servant to the king, that I have no will of my own, what matters is the will of the king. Not only that but that king is chai v'kayim. He is life itself! He is endurance itself! It's not that Hashem is alive....He is life itself! This moment right now that you are experiencing is only so because Hashem willed it to be! Were He to not will it to be, then we would not exist ch"v. He is also enduring, this made me think of GYE principle #7 that speaks of true fulfillment vs. false fulfillment. If the fulfillment is false, then it ultimately will not last, which is why we keep going back to lust "once is too much and a thousand times is never enough." However, since Hashem is the King and He is life- a true life- He endures and satiates our souls.

Shechechezarta bi nishmasi b'chemla- You have returned my soul in compassion. Hashem didn't have to return our souls to us. When we sleep, we are a sixtieth dead. This has particular significance for me as someone who struggles with an addiction where death is a central idol. The worship of lust, of gashmiyus, the ultimate sheker, is truly the worship of death. Anyone that has been completely overtaken by lust will attest to this. After we satisfy our desire for physical carnal pleasure, all we are left with is the hollow feeling of death and disgust. We are like those who sleep in the dust, like one who is dead. So the fact that Hashem restores our souls to us and decides that we still have purpose and meaning to our existence is truly out of Hashem's compassion. But not only that- raba emunasecha- Hashem has such immense belief in us that we can change for the better that out of that emunah,  Hashem decides to give us our souls backs even though we may not deserve it. We have a mission in this world to over our propensity towards lust and to m'kadesh ourself, to live a life based on emunah and not based on our flawed, human nature and existence- to create a dirah b'tachtonim in both the world and in ourselves. It is the raba emunasecha that is the motivation behind and reason for shechechezarta bi nishmasi b'chemla.

Once we have had this recognition born from this meditation: that whoever I am and whoever I think I am- the yesh hanivreh- I am giving up and giving over the yesh amiti that preceeded all creation like a servant gives over any sense of autonomy or will to the King, and that the King is life itself and creates a feeling of enduring sustenance within us, and that out of His immense belief in us to change and accomplish our mission in this world, He gives our souls back to our dead bodies- only once I've gone through that meditation and come to this higher, self-transcendent realization (all within the first 5 seconds of my day!!!) can I wash my hands, can I take the tumas meis that has clung to my fingers and wash it away, can I m'kadesh myself. For some of us (most of us) the addiction that overtakes us comes through two main body parts: our eyes and our hands. I do not need to elaborate on that any further- use (or maybe don't use) your imagination. The fact that I take those very same hands that I've used to launch myself into hell through my addiction and I am able to m'kadesh them, it is only possible when I come to this realization through modeh ani, when I realize that as a Jew, I am beyond all of the shtus, I am beyond tumas meis, I am beyond sheker, I am a chelek elokah m'ma'al mamash- I am literally a piece of G-d walking around on this earth in this body. Since I realize that I am beyond all of that, I am able to draw down from that transcendent level of Hashem's Essence- untouchable by any shtus or klipah- the ability to take that which I've fallen with so many times before- my hands- and m'kdaesh them, to utilize them, meaning my addiction, in the service of Hashem. Coming out of Chanukah, we must know this to be true: that the greatest light comes from the greatest darkness! 
Chevre, may we all be blessed to be "Modeh Ani" yidden, to be able to say "thank You Hashem for my addiction!" that because of it we have the ability to connect to Him in wondrous ways, and that we can take the realization of modeh ani and carry it with us into the world, bringing geulah for ourselves and the ultimate redemption with the immediate coming of Moshiach tzidkeinu.

It was a combination of a few different things. I think the biggest was the actual fear that I was addicted and was going to have to live my whole life waking up every single morning with that on my head and never knowing if I could really ever stop. The funny thing is every time I tried to stop and messed up I always justified it by telling myself I know there is someone out there who is worse then me and I can always stop if I want to because I am not really so addicted. This last fall showed me that as far along as I have come there is still a lot of work to be done and the yetzer harah is just waiting for the opportunity to trip us up. Someone once told me it's not the actual fall that the yetzer harah cares about,it's the thought process that comes arter. If we kick ourselves and give up and say we can't do it he wins. If we get up and come back stronger we show that we have messed up but that doesnt define us and and we win. Today is only day one for me but I know I can do it and I am ready once again to put in the work and get back on track to leading a clean life

Hello,

For me, there are two stages. Stage 1, behave healthy and Torah like in the action arena.
That is, cleanness in my eyes, ears, avoid input of non kosher things, included TV, music, and the slightless images from the internet, even adds or youtube.
Street just to not stare etc.
Pray, study Torah.
When I fall, I get up again and more or less B'H' I can regain these aspects of the action, of the nefesh.

Now, once I stay clean for a while, here comes the next level for myself.
The emotions and the thinking.
The Torah says to serve Hashem with thought, speach/feelings, and action.

So I just may be lacking greatly in the upper two.
I read an article published this week in aish.com for those lacking emotional skills.
Wow. How revealing.
I share it for those who may also get insights from it.
Eight habits of emotionally healthy people. by  Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.

I really need to perfect this if I ever want to stop using this addiction as an scape.
And the first little, but significant for me, is share my struggles in this forum.
Januka Sameaj

Once I wondered if darkness may be simply the absence of light...
Markz motto made me think about it.

Hi Chassidishe buchur, I'm also a Chabad chossid, married with two kids, 30 years old, BT. I'm sure you've heard this so many times, but your struggle is so common. I see a lot of my own issues in what you've been say. For instance, I'm naturally a depressive. It's easy for people like us to get down on ourselves. But for sure 100% the main thing is that you need to be b'simcha not just about your victories (however small they may be, for instance, how amazing is it that you're only mz"l 4 out of 7 days?!?!) but also be b'simcha for the fact that Hashem gave you this taava and addiction. In a big sense, it's not you're fault, Hashem made you that way in the same way that Hashem makes people with mental disorders and physical/mental disabilities. How silly would it be for them or anyone else to blame them when Hashem decreed that that should be their chelek in this world?

But even so, this addiction is such a blessing that I haven't even fully been able to understand how great it is. We see it only on the receiving end: we are the ones who have to fight the daily struggle, we are the ones who have to deal with the guilt and shame that follows, we are the ones that have to feel like we're leading a double life. But from Hashem point of view, this taava and addiction is a huge way for us to come closer to Hashem. Not everyone gets to know what their shluchis is; how amazing is it that Hashem has literally shown you yours?! By engaging in this holy avodah, you are able to come close to Hashem in ways that most people are unable to. Honestly brother, I feel like the Alter Rebbe was talking to people like you and me, flawed people with big yetzer hara's that want nothing more than to catch us with our pants down and say "told you so!" even though he's the very one who made us unzip in the first place!! The Alter Rebbe/our Rebbe knows all our issues, we need to believe that the Rebbe knows our strengths and believes in us more than we even know/believe in ourselves.

Some practical guidance though, I would definitely explore ALL of the resources that the GYE website has to offer. Ask yourself if you've read all of the articles, tried all the tools, listened to shiurim, developed a solid list of contacts for when you're itching for the next fix. I can tell you right off the bat that according to the attitude principle #1 of the GYE program, shmiras habris is not just "another thing" that people may be lax in like not davening with a minyan or missing krias shima (neither of which are ok although ppl do it, similar to all of the people who talk during kaddish in 770 mit a chutzpah) shmiras habris is literally the yesod foundation of our avodah! We don't talk enough about it in chabad literature, but it's the truth. Working on our shmiras habris is so important, probably more important than any other thing in our avodah. Feel free to reach out to me if you need chizuk: iwtbf613@gmail.com. I'm here for you!!!

So, I've actually been feeling pretty ok, but I feel like I'm struggling with the sadness/shame that comes from the numbness that addiction to porn, technology, and masturbation has caused me to feel. There are parts of me that I absolutely hate. I'm trying not to feel them, most of them are probably from the yetzer hara, that voice that tells me how horrible I am, how not good enough I am, how I'll never amount to anything, how I'm not deserving of any of the blessings that I have. I don't want to feel this way, especially since I know that it's those very same feelings that cause me to want to act out. Would love some advise or words of chizuk from anyone who has said enough is enough and pushed the yetzer hara and his advances away!

Thank G-D for GYE where I found this guy who calls me his chavrusa even though we don't learn together even stories about the donkey of R' Pinkas ben Jair...



We keep in touch often and it keeps us sane in this Third World War.



There was WW1

then came WW2

and now WWW.



I am currently in situation which is an excuse for any addict to act out, where I commute alone with a female co-worker. 

Yes my Rav said it's 100% ok, but it's a struggle for me.

It definitely helps me when I remind myself and practice the de-objectify concept (found somewhere in the Trucking Guide).   

I was considering to change my vote on the other poll to 'Fantasy'. But now BH things are under control. 



And thank G-D for Torah anytime where I listen in to some great speakers who keep me grounded in the late night hours which are usually the killer hours for me



Thank you all for being there for me / us, and may you all have a happy & enlightening Hannuka!

This is my second time trying GYE, the first time I didn’t really give it my all, but this time I want to beat this habit for good. I think what made last time (I used a different email address) from this time is that I didn’t fully accept I had a problem. I tend to be an all or nothing person, so I thought to myself “I’m either a 100% full blown s. addict that should be in SA or I don’t have any problem. This time, I see many more shades between black and white, I definitely have a problem, but it doesn’t make me an “addict” per se. I’m on day 3 of a conscientence journey to 90 days and iyh I’ll be able to change my life for the better for good. 

stillgoing wrote on 28 Nov 2018 20:53:

Cordroy ain't here!

serenity wrote on 27 Nov 2018 20:14:

WELCOME BACK!!! When I first started her in 2015, Cordroy (yes, he's still here although he denies it) didn't ask me that question (although he did ask eventually), but I still clearly remember how you taught me how to post a link (I forgot so it's good that you're here).

Here's one of my early favorite posts.
serenity wrote on 15 Dec 2014 09:55:

jerusalemsexaddict wrote on 21 Sep 2009 18:08:

I once did 100 day clean two years ago.
I noticed these 10 days that the same techniques I used to last 100, are useful now, and may become just the new me.

What are the techniques?
Just be kadosh.
What do I mean?
Mean simply your eyes accept no entry of women images but normal social interactions. Ovadia used to not look at any improperly dressed woman even if she were talking to him. Looked like he was taking notes while he was drawing for his kids jejej..
No internet, no street, no movies, non nothing.
No music (unless it is holy).
Yes. Or kadosh or rasha. There is no middle ground.
Maybe for another person. But it seems that I am not in that category because of my deep addiction.
Now. Even without tv, no pictures on internet, no music (unless holy), no magazines, street simply no looking at all whatsoever. Depart from places and unholy backgrounds. And yes, I am living in a place filled with tuma, not in a frum community, and cannot change it now. Not missing prayers, pray with kavanot, Torah minimum 2 hours deep study...

You live holy and protect eyes and ears 100% and keep prayers (better with kavanot) and deep hard for you Torah study minimum 2 hours daily all focused and my experience is that you just do not have temptations. They simply do not pop up in your mind. They are not part of you.

Now. From time to time you may see or hear something, and tempt you a little bit. You just let it pass, but the fight is nowhere compared with being exposed to media or women in the streets.

Now. All healing has different phases. And I think now I am in the phase of healing my social skills. Basically I am in the process of maturing.
I think I never matured because I always escaped.

And that's it. How to deal with social issues? Torah. I guess Torah. Asking myself, what is the right thing to do, or thing, or say right now?
That's it. Objectively it is easy. I feel like... bla bla bla. The right thing is such.
So that's it. It is sure enough?
How did the patriarchs dealt with hard situations they had?
Well, they did. One thing is true. This life is for growth, it is not for comfort.
The moment we stop growing, get get thrown to a new test, and a new test.
Because if you think it through, these mere 120 years in this world, determine (well, maybe with its reincarnations too... but also limited), an eternity. Mindblowing. Imagine one second of suffering and work in your life, would suffice for all the bliss in the rest of it. And if you never died, but that second determines for good or for bad the rest of your life?
So that's it. These 120 years is that second in comparison.
We better give it all. Better said than done, but still reality nonetheless.

stillgoing wrote on 25 Nov 2018 20:37:

BenTorah.BaalHabayis, did you join the 12 step group, or are you still  contemplating? Either way, let us know. Your fans are still rooting for you!!!

BenTorah.BaalHabayis wrote on 05 Sep 2016 17:47: