Hi again chevra
I mentioned this Nisayon I had last Friday night. I posted about it on SAnet and basically everyone there tells me it calls for restarting my sobriety count, as I became overwhelmed with lust till I couldn't control myself anymore. Basically, I violated some private property but pulled out before getting too deep. The following morning I knew there was no chance I'd make it out the front door without blowing everything, so I woke up my wife and relieved myself through her instead (neither of us were too thrilled with that).
So I figured it's kinda gray area. Acc. to GYE rules I believe I'm still "kosher"; though acc. to SA  it may have been a relapse. I'll discuss it at my next live meeting BeH. Not sure if there's a point in keeping 2 different numbers. Not looking to fool myself, but having a decent number certainly helps with the average yetzer haros...
Any wise thoughts on the matter are most welcome, Thanks!

Markz wrote on 06 Feb 2019 04:49:

I agree you are simply what the big book would call "A problem poster" not a postaholic

Hi again!
Just got back from an amazing trip to EY B"H. I got to the koisel, ripped my shirt & said the 3rd step prayer... I musta looked pretty funny with most others holding a tehillim & me with my big book of AA...
I was doing pretty well there, for my standards, till I found myself accidentally alone with a huge Nisayon. I almost blew everything without even thinking, but managed to pull myself out before breaking any of the "book rules" of sobriety. Once the lust was ignited though, I kept trying to get myself back in that situation so I can "finish the job", while at the same time praying fervently to Hashem that it wouldn't work out... Thank G-d it didn't.
It's been much harder to behave since then, but ברוך ה still holding strong. Trying to use it as a reminder that I can't control myself, & I need Hashem to get me outta this. Also, it helps to have my memory refreshed of how insane my life becomes when I have to constantly fight lust, I'm now taking this into account every time I feel like acting out.
Thanks for letting me share!
הצלחה all.

Markz wrote on 06 Feb 2019 04:49:

Did you have to write only one word on each line so the Forum editor would not automatically take out the word "NOT"? 

stillgoing wrote on 05 Feb 2019 22:08:

I 
AM
NOT
AN
ADDICT
so I have no clue what you dear brother's are discussing here, sorry. 

Someone who I met recently had a very profound insight on me. I met this person while looking for something not good. However we got to chatting and after a good amount of back and forth they said - it looks like you really are not looking for sex. Your whole quest is for connection. something along those lines if not those words. It hit me like a ton of bricks THey are right. I have chatted a lot on craigslist which is still open on my computer. Any ilicit interaction is so slowed down and hindered it really doesnt bother me unless I begin spending too much time on it. And I am pretty much able to close it out and abstain when I want. Not that I consider myself not an addict. I am and if open porn is available I can not resist. BUt at this stage wth the temptations I am exposed to I an more or less control it. Or rather control me. 

Realizing that I want connection was really  big for me. I guess that's what it boils down to. 

mikestrucking wrote on 05 Feb 2019 21:33:

That's a very important point Mike, but know that there IS a solution. I used to be completely powerless over my forum addiction. But with the help of my lusting I found pornography, and was completely healed of my obsession to post. I am now able to go over a week without posting on the forum. The best part is, that the posting desires disappeared immediately as soon as I started lusting, unlike other addictions in life where it is a process to get rid of.
I hope you have lots of hatzlacha.
just wondering, in light of the alternative if forum addiction is such a bad thing.... Mark, what do you say?

I think for many people here we have to open a new forum called "Internet Forum Addiction for Jewish Men"

I really should log in here more often. I actually got back on through a convo I was  having with a friend. I am happy to tell you guys that I am thrilled with the nativ program. I don't know how to get around it. And I have it usually on blocking images while on many sites. Yahoo news images are blocked.. and some others are open. To be honest I dont ususally feel the need or interest in opening the images for the news. I get to know waht's happening and the rest of the internet is for me safely behind their program. If I want a site opened I can open it. They seem to be doing a good job as regards automatic filtering. 

I dont count clean days and am not perfect with masturbation. However, what I feel I have found is my peace. and there is no way to put a valu on that. I owe whar I feel now in large part to much of the work and ppl here at gye. and of course our in person meetings, our online friendhips etc.. (and ps I guess where I am holding now does not improve my typing sorry) 

I used to be plagued (as anyone here who knows me or read my thread) by constant obssessive desires to view porn and masturbate. I never succeeded at being able to hold back while I had a porn access on my comp. Finding my boundry for how far I need to push it out of my life and being willing to work at whatever inconvenience that presented has been the key for me. - I have a kosher phone now with emails and text although I used to have entirely no internet or email on my phone.

I am not out of the woods there are still some minor accessibilities to websites that trigger me into a poor state. However, my goal was always to not let these desires crowd in on my ability to do my job for my family, work and bring home the money we need. WHen I'd masturbate and then have no income to show for my time, this was the most debilitating thing for my self esteem. I am out of that now safely. Although I can and have at times been able to access porn, it is extremely infrequent and the last time it happened that this opened up, I did not even use it. It wasn't too much of a struggle.. I just got it closed up and that was it. I was elated. 

Just my report. 

I am writing now also to ask if anyone knows of online support groups for sex abuse survivors (both male and female). THe issue here is not masturbation or porn addiction AT ALL but the other painful issues that go along with being a survivor of sex abuse. The humiliation of seeing the perptrator go on with life unpunished and due to the challenges that manifested in behavior that was not typicsl of the frum commmunity, developing a stigma and separation from frum society. 

It is not for me but for a friend (I know we hear that alot around here.. lol) 


Anyone with info please let me know.

i can relate to your post, and your are right "on the ball".    Lust-Addictionsis when lust became far more than just "attraction" but rather a distraction from all the pent-up fears/worries/stress/embarrassment/grief/regret/shame/guilt/etc...     and as soon as people start the long journey of 'abstaining' from lust they desprately seek an alternative distraction.

From my experience:
If you smoke, you'll buy a carton instead of just a pack
If you overeat, you might as well go buy a larger size of pants
If you workout- you'llso more often (dopamine is also a powerfull drug)
If you endlessly read news-  you might find yourself catching up on Zimbabwe's politics (for example)
If you overdo whats-app -  You will most likely sign up to another hundred groups.


the faster YOU DO THE STEOWORK (and it IS a process of delf-discovery) the less you will have to run from. until one day you can sit calmly and enjoy the SERENITY of RECOVERY

Thanks gs and lb. Although I understand your answers to be pretty much the twelve steps.
which is of course your experience and I'm happy it has worked for you.

However i know there are many on here who are clean without SA ( people like wg and hhm come to mind) and twelve steps.

Assuming they also find life difficult without lust, what have they done.

Even if something is just a habit, it takes time to learn to live without. I don't think every mechalel shabbos is addicted to melachah on Shabbos. Yet when they start to keep shabbos, many of them have a hard time living without their "Saturday".

cordnoy wrote on 29 Jan 2019 01:41:

I am for now. But I don't know what to do with my life. Life has lots of stress, where as in the past I would act out, now most of the time I put my head in the sand .sleep or get busy with other things and I don't deal with challenges because I am frightened of them.

This also makes me feel unfulfilled, because  now I have the time to do the right thing and deal with life problems (because I'm not acting out) and I'm just waiting time. I might check clean news sights or watch clean movies too ften, just trying to kill time. 

I guess in other words, I used to blame all my life's problems on my acting out (and at the same time life wasn't too stressful because I had my enjoyable lust)

Now I have to face real life, and I can't blame my not getting things done and dealing with life on my acting out, because I'm not acting out.

Hence my question how do I deal with life. 

I suppose that's a hard question for people here to answer who only know me virtualy.

Thanks cords for the clarifying question.

Hakolhevel wrote on 28 Jan 2019 01:07:

So, why don't you just hold off on the lust?

actually its the opposite
needing them isnt what makes them work
the steps only work when i want them.
the steps can definitely help your 'dry drunk - white knuckle' pains.
the only hurdle you might face in the steps is in step 1 because you don't believe you are really an addict...which means you can stop of your own will and dont need a relationship with Hashem to do it. (which is obviously not true but this is how the liar/addict lies to us - but you can still admit powerlessness over lust and that when you lust life becomes unmanageable.

I personally got pretty confused by other people telling me I am or am not an addict, so I'm not here to do that...just sharing my experience.

For me, it got to the point where my life was unmanageable due to lust, yet I could not stop. I tried for so long to stop on my own but I couldn't. As you say, my problem was life, lust was how I dealt with life, but without something to replace my coping mechanism, there was no way I could stay stopped. But I need to stop, because life is unmanageable! So I try again, thinking this time will be different, and before long, the cycle repeats itself... to quote the Big Book: "All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals—usually brief—were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization."

I may not "measure up" to other addicts in terms of unmanageability and extreme behaviors - my acting out has been primarily limited (so far) to the screen and myself, and I never lost a job or anything due to my acting out. But I saw progression, I crossed boundaries that I thought I never would, I couldn't bear life anymore, I tried everything to stop on my own, and lust wiped the floor with me every single time. So I do believe and accept that I am an addict and completely powerless over lust, and it's through the 12 steps that I've been learning a new way to live.