#223

Wow its been way too long since I visited...

BH I still can say I am clean even though my yetzer hara wants me to say that it can't be true. 

Today was a tough day, so I came on to reconnect a little. It is only through this amazing platform that I was able to overcome the addiction I had. It's crazy thinking back now how only #223 days ago I would just thirst on anything immoral I could think or see. That's not to say that I  don't want or think about it anymore, but I can safely say it doesn't control my life the way it used to. With Hashems help I hope to continue to stay strong, clean and kadosh.

Thank you Schnitzel for thinking of me. I hope your doing well!

Next time try having some coffee with your tequila....

I did some thing really bad today
Wasn't really my fault. Maybe it was. Who cares anyways?
I know I'm not supposed to say explicit details here, but I need to get it out, so if you're afraid of getting triggered, or under 18, don't read on...
...
...I fell asleep by the Shabbos seudah.
...(sorry.)
The kids were going wild on sugar-highs, fighting about next years costumes, table was full of dirty dishes & I was just conked out in some awkward lopsided-neck position in my seat...
When I finally awoke to a clean table & kids happily eating dessert (more sugar), I could feel those "vibes" from the וַייבּ (ouch - sorry again)... Without her saying a word I can hear all that kvetching about how hard she works to prepare this whole meal & then serving & cleaning up & feeding kids while her good-for-nothing husband ( - who already has this huge חסרון of being a S-addict - ) just sits there poofing away...
The resentments started building up while I sat there feeling sorry for myself... why do I put up with this... doesn't she get how hard my life is...???? It's a miracle I got through the day without acting out...
מוצאי שבת I decide to try this newfangled idea people talk about called "sharing your feelings". While doing dishes (pat me on the back will ya?) I asked her if she was upset at me at the seudah today...
"Not at all, what do you mean?".. "I fell asleep"... "So what? I know how exhausted you are!"..."oh."..."Thanks for asking though."
Yeah, I'm not sure what exactly the point of this post is either... 
Just figuring this "feelings" business out for myself, & probably it helps for others to hear also. Till recently I didn't even realize this was a real עבודה that has to be worked on, I just thought we're supposed to be "sensitive" - whatever that means. But as I start this adventure I realize how much of my own issues are based on my perception of things, -my "feelings", which can be completely distorted from reality. I'm stuck on a lonely deserted island that doesn't really exist.
And even when she does have טענות on me, it's certainly more helpful to bring it out & discuss, then to let it sit in my belly feeding my diseased brain...
OK I'll stop ranting now. What? I wasn't ranting? Sorry. Not sorry. I don't know...
Thanks for letting me share, regardless!   

Just a round up for me. I have come to realize more clearly that what bothers me as an addict is porn more than masturbation. I don't feel out of control if I masturbate even daily. And a few months ago, I was pretty much doing that while still not feeling I was suffering in any way because I felt out of control. As a yid I felt guilty and rightly so. I did feel I needed to masturbate but it didn't debilitate me. So I was just able to live with it. 

Once porn enters the picture though it has never failed to reduce me to a zombie that literally masturbates almost non-stop every waking hour. 

This was a strong realization for me. I am not looking to rationalize or make a case for daily masturbation. That is wrong without question according to my religious beliefs. HOwever, I do feel  a sense of stability knowing that if I do masturbate it does not have to send me into a frantic panicky feeling that my world is crashing in on me. I hate that insanity. Porn though is scary to me.

I wish I could be normal and just need to stay away from porn becasuse they are assur and not because I am unable to control it.

Shnitzel and kugel wrote on 20 Mar 2019 05:50:

I couldn't tell you because I don't think I am an addict. But I'm not sure why at this point you think you may be. 

Many people in Alcoholics anonymous introduce  themselves "Hi my name is _______ and I'm a recovered alcoholic."
In the beginning of the big book it says "Many people have recovered...". Some AAs are very passionate about saying they recovered. They say that it's the simple truth they aren't recovering anymore. I understand that to mean that they obviously still take actions of "recovery" but it's just so they don't "relapse".

In S.A. for some reason people don't say it. But my point is that it is possible to recover. Yet, it still is a lifelong journey/work just so we don't fall into "remission".

Shnitzel and kugel wrote on 20 Mar 2019 03:45:

Is this a theoretical question, or have you or someone else dec8ded that you are a addict. ( Or maybe your asking for a friend who is an addict:)

On your thread till this point you have described yourself as a non addict.

Just clarifying as in general it's more important to answer the one asking the question then to answer the question itself

What exactly is recovery for an addict? If this is a life long fight, what does recovery mean exactly?

Million dollar question...

Can someone please fill me in... Shnitz is such a עם הארץ...

Us "addicts" like to fix the world. If we can't fix it, we like to orchestrate the help provided.

Many who join gye know this feelin' well. As soon as they author their very first post, or immediately after reachin' 17 days clean, they are the "chat-sobriety-guru." It makes us feel better about our problems/issues.

Read step 12 in the white book please. Others should as well.

Godspeed to all (especially to me).

Mggsbms I believe that story happened with the rebbe maharash of lubavitch but lol very well said that they'll get suspicious.

And doing teshuvah my therapist isn't a sex therapist and doesn't specialize in this field, so in dealing with emotions he's awesome! In dealing with pornography addicts he ain't that experienced..
in our case, he can help the kid get rid of depression, build self esteem etc but to stop from viewing inappropriate stuff, there might be people who are better off...

Shnitzel and kugel wrote on 17 Mar 2019 03:04:

Just my 2 cents. Please take with a grain of salt or two...

First of all, Stop feeling stupid. We have to accept that the past was basher't to happen, and is what Hashem wanted. Like you said, it's Hashgacha Protis that they know.

Regarding telling the parents; I don't know either of you or your relationship with them. I'm just going to try to present both sides of the coin.

On the one hand, both you and the boy can gain tremendously when you are completely honest with them. It might help them accept that there is nothing wrong with their son, and unfortunately it is quite normal for boys to be exposed at that age.

However consider the fact that the parents are currently confused and traumatized. People in this state don't act rationally. They might be puzzled by the fact that their precious son viewed porn. "How can it be? This couldn't happen to us? This only happens in some Mishpacha Lifelines story. Something must be off." Then you step in and tell them that you also viewed porn at that age and are struggling with it. It gives them an opportunity to project blame. "Oh, it must be that Shnitz Guy, he probably exposed our son to it."

Personally I would stick to a pareve loshon like DoingTeshuva wrote to provide the resources, and then I would butt out.

Hatzlocha Rabba, on whatever decision you decide to take. May you be zoche to proper Siyata DiShmaya.

Shnitzel and kugel wrote on 17 Mar 2019 03:04:

Just 1 close friend? C’mon how many friends are there here?????

You can refer them to GYEGYE Hotline

For all technical support:help@guardyoureyes.org

The GYE Hotline (U.S Line): 646-600-8100

12 Steps: If you need help deciding whether to join a 12-Step program, call the hotline (above) and press ext 2, or email help@pornanonymous.org. to schedule a time to talk with Michael. (See: pornanonymous.org)

If your addiction has progressed beyond the screen, SA may be appropriate for you. To figure out if SA is right for you, call Dov at 917-414-8205, or email Dov at dov@guardyoureyes.org to schedule a time to talk.

Women / teen girls: 929-888-7809; email: women@guardyoureyes.org

MISHOR Hotline for teens and parents: 732-894-4515

Spouses:spouses@guardyoureyes.org. Sylky: 917-8867735

To make a donation online 24 hours by phone, call: 718-8783075

I'm also confused... Used to think I'm not an addict however I think now I am an addict. 

Makes sense I shouldn't be telling the parents if I'm still struggling.. and I feel stupid for telling the parents that I went to therapy.. however hashgocho protis they know..

Does it make sense to tell the parents that I have a close friend who has struggles and so I know Abit about these things, without saying it's me

Shnitzel. I am confused. In one of your earlier posts you clearly refer to yourself a s a non-addict. Elsewhere it seems that you are trying to treat a lust addiction. Are you an addict or are you not an addict. That is the question. (It's a lot like to be or not to be.. if you know what that is.. If you don't skip it) 

Anyhow- as far as telling the parents or this kid about your personal struggle, whatever it is.. That would be the absolute LAST thing I would suggest doing.. Right after taking sticking my head in between elevator doors as they close in order to help someone's recovery.