Storytime!!!!

Mike lived in a far away country. He grew up in a small town in northern Sweden, where most of the year the ground was full of snow and the sun didn't shine. Every year the kids would be busy playing in the snow or trekking along on a pair of skis. Mike, however, was different. 

See, ever since he watched the summer Olympics as a young 6 year old and watched a couple of races and marathon he had a burning passion to run. Now you can imagine what it is like to become a runner in a country that prides itself in bobsledding and cross country skiing. Needless to say, Mike wasn't exactly in the best position to follow his dreams. 

The thing was that no matter how many people tried telling him he was crazy and he would never be an Olympic runner, he just kept on going. It wasn't always easy. In matter of fact, for most of his young life he just kept failing. He would try to enter local races and he would not even qualify as a participant due to his poor race times. He would often wonder why he thought he could do it, maybe everyone was right, maybe a Swedish man would never be the world's greatest runner. But year after year he kept pursuing his dream of being an Olympic runner....

Then, through his perseverance and dedication, he started to see real meaningful results. Mike started qualifying for races and actually making a name for himself among the running community. People would see him around races and smile at him, something that hadn't happened in years. Then as the months and years went by, he actually found himself placing in the top 3 race after race. Mike started to get a renewed strength and passion from all his success. He starting really believing he would realize his dreams of being the best in the world....

Then the day came. Many years had passed and he was finally on the stage he had dreamed about since being a little kid, the Olympic games. At that point he was actually the favorite to win a medal and many people thought he would take the Gold. The first two qualifying rounds were against people he had already beaten several times and he easily walked away in first place. 

He was now down to the last round before the championship race. As long as he finished in one of the top four places he would go on to the final championship race, the moment he had spent his whole life to be at. He wanted that Gold medal more than anything else in the world.

The race got off to a pretty good start and he took an early position in fourth. This would keep him enough ahead of the pack but still save energy for the last couple of laps. He knew his opponents well and had seen them take early leads only to lose energy and be outrun towards the end of the race. That's exactly what happened and as they were about halfway through the race Mike started to pull ahead. First he took the third position, then he inched over to second and maintained his strong lead. With about three laps to go he finally gave it all he got. Mike pulled away from the pack of runners and into first place. He had been down this road so many times and settled into a significant lead. Mike was about to go on to the final race and compete for a chance at a gold medal...

Then....against everything he had worked on these past few years, his legs gave way and he fell....One second he was on his way to a final and next second he is on the ground. Mike wasn't injured at all, but in his rush to make it to the finish line he let go of his training and lost focus. At those speeds and after such a long run, a very slight misstep can knock you off balance and send you to the ground. That's where Mike found himself...on the ground and not in the position he expected. Not after all the years of work and fighting to be where he was....

Mike wasn't about to give up. He quickly picked himself up and tried to get back in the race. So far only two other racers had pulled ahead and he still had a shot at the final, and ultimately the gold medal. He was a bit shaken from his fall but he tried with every bit of strength to maintain his speed and focus on that finish line. In his peripheral vision he could see the rest of the pack of runners closing in on him. As they neared the finish line, he gave it all he had. One other runner came ahead of him but he managed to finish in fourth place. Enough to qualify for the Gold medal. He still had his chance to fulfil his dreams....if his fall doesn't get in his way...

Mike had become one of the world's best runners. He was on a stage most people never even bother dreaming about, let alone actually reach. But, the thought of failure of not getting first place on this second to final race was hard to swallow. It was hard to watch the media coverage of his fall. Most importantly his coach was worried that this might overtake him and prevent him from performing his best in the gold medal race...

This is Mikes story.

This is also many people on GYE story as well. Tonight it is my story....

All my life I wanted to reach the level of getting past these issues. I so badly wanted overcome my addiction or strong lust if you prefer. To stop watching things that made me depressed or to act out and not feel nay better from it.

B"H! I made it to 272 whopping and amazing days!!! Days filled with kedusha and growth!!!

Then last night I fell. Not nearly as bad as what my old falls where, but a fall nonetheless. I lost my streak. I would have to come onto my forum page and tell everyone that I failed. I couldn't maintain this forever. Quite embarrassing no?

I think though everyone who read Mike's story would be thinking something different. Mike's story is merely to illustrate how the minor fall is just a trap to hold us back from getting the Gold medal. Mike may have fallen and finished fourth but he is very much still the favorite to win the Gold. 

This is what I will do. Pick myself back up and go for the Gold! I was also born in a far away country. I was born in a generation that shmiras aynayim isn't the favorite sport of the day. People laugh at us when they see us hiding from things that "seem" so normal to them. But when we pick ourselves up and work on ourselves, after all our hard work we will find a Gold medal around our neck and have a special place up in shamayim. Because although we may have fallen a few times, in the final race that matters most we came in first!

#Day 272 + Day 1


Thank you everyone for your support! You are the coach in the story and you are crucial in running this race!

Once, someone asked Rabbi Akiba: What is better, what people do or what Hashem does?
He replied: What people do is better.

-But Hashem did not create Heaven and earth, and created us? Obvious that what he does is better!

Answered Rabi Akiba: You're right. But Hashem did not make us perfect, since we have to do Brit Milah, I mean, we cut the body of Hashem.
And what's more, he does not call himself a Jew until he does the Brit. So, why did not Hashem make us perfect? He would have created us with Brit already done!

The answer is that Hashem did not create us perfect; He put us bad qualities like Anger, sadness, hatred, envy, etc.
What did he put it on for?

So that we work ourselves.

That is the message of the past Perasha: When Hashem wants us not to have revenge or to hold a grudge, we do not do it for them, but every time you hold on to something they do to you and do not hold a grudge, you are helping yourself.
You are building yourself, and you are fulfilling Hashem's will that we work ourselves.
And in truth Hashem does not want us to be perfect, does not want us to finish the Shas of Gemara, or know the whole Torah by heart, or be beings like angels, just perfect.

He just wants us to try, to give our best effort, as they say: Do your best and Hashem will do the rest.
If we trust in that, it will be so.

I also heard once: Hashem will not ask you why you did not finish, but why didn't you start, or did you try.

And one point in which it would be good to work is Shmiras Enayim, not only because it is immoral to look at women, it looks bad, it is not a good example to children, family, etc.
But the fact that you can control yourself, and not be a slave that whenever you see a woman, staying fixed, is something very high.

Tell me, when you see a woman, and you look at her, after that, what do you win?
It's not yours, you do not know her, and when she turns the corner, you do not see her again.
What did you gain from that? Only a small pleasure that lasts a couple of seconds.

Now, do you feel good knowing that you are a slave of your eye, that every time a woman passes you can not control yourself and you stay watching?

Do you think that someone who suffers from food addiction, enjoys not being able to resist in front of a hamburger? or if an alcoholic was given a bottle, do you know how much money they would give,  to get a little self-control, to be able to control themselves?

They would give very much, right?

Now tell me, how much would You give?

That you could say: I'm free, I am not subjugated to everything I see, or I want. I can have a little control over me and resist not seeing, or not listening ...

That you can decide, not that someone chooses for you, but that you are the one who controls your decisions.

Which is better, after having eaten an extra portion of a steak, or having said: I could control myself and I did not eat more?
Do the experiment and realize that saying you could control yourself feels better.

And really, the word for quality in Hebrew is Midda, Middot, which means Measure. Hashem doesn't want us not to feel envious at all, but to focus on it for good, like envying Torah.
Or in this case, not that now we do not see anyone, but that we channel it for good, like: You can see your wife perfectly. Look at her and enjoy her, but only her.

There is no problem seeing a woman dressed appropriately, for example the bank teller, If you have to talk to her. The problem is to gaze at her, which is forbidden.

There are ways in which everything can be done in a permitted manner.

So, Beezrat Hashem we can all get to control ourselves, since you are not doing for a friend, not even for Hashem; You do it FOR YOU. 
Do it now!

Thank you,
Yeshivaboy555

Any questions or comments, do not hesitate to put it here, or to my Email: Yeshivaboy555 (at) Gmail.com

Once, someone asked Rabbi Akiba: What is better, what people do or what Hashem does?
He replied: What people do is better.

-But Hashem did not create Heaven and earth, and created us? Obvious that what he does is better!

Answer Rabi Akiba: You're right. But Hashem did not make us perfect, since we have to do Brit Milah, I mean, we cut the body of Hashem.
And what's more, he does not call himself a Jew until he does the Brit. So, why did not Hashem make us perfect? He would have created us with Brit already done!

The answer is that Hashem did not create us perfect; He put us bad qualities like Anger, sadness, hatred, envy, etc.
What did he put it on for?

So that we work ourselves.

That is the message of the past Perasha: When Hashem wants us not to have revenge or to hold a grudge, we do not do it for them, but every time you hold on to something they do to you and do not hold a grudge, you are helping yourself.
You are building yourself, and you are fulfilling Hashem's will that we work ourselves.
And in truth Hashem does not want us to be perfect, does not want us to finish the Shas of Gemara, or know the whole Torah by heart, or be beings like angels, just perfect.

He just wants us to try, to give our best effort, as they say: Do your best and Hashem will do the rest.
If we trust in that, it will be so.

I also heard once: Hashem will not ask you why you did not finish, but why didn't you start, or did you try.

And one point in which it would be good to work is Shmiras Enayim, not only because it is immoral to look at women, it looks bad, it is not a good example to children, family, etc.
But the fact that you can control yourself, and not be a slave that whenever you see a woman, staying fixed, is something very high.

Tell me, when you see a woman, and you look at her, after that, what do you win?
It's not yours, you do not know her, and when she turns the corner, you do not see her again.
What did you gain from that? Only a small pleasure that lasts a couple of seconds.

Now, do you feel good knowing that you are a slave of your eye, that every time a woman passes you can not control yourself and you stay watching?

Do you think that someone who suffers from food addiction, enjoys not being able to resist in front of a hamburger? Or an alcoholic who puts a bottle in front of you, you know how much they would give to get a little self-control?
That they put that on and be able to control themselves?

Very much, right?

Now tell me, how much would you give?

That you could say: I'm free, I am not subjugated to everything I see, or I want. I can have a little control over me and resist not seeing, or not listening ...

That you can decide, not that someone chooses for you, but that you are the one who controls your decisions.

Which is better, after having eaten an extra portion of a steak, or having said: I could control myself and I did not eat more?
Do the experiment and realize that saying you could control yourself feels better.

And really, the word for quality in Hebrew is Midda, Middot, which means Measure. Hashem does not want us not to be totally envious, but to focus on it for good, like envying Torah.
Or in this case, not that now we do not see anyone, but that we channel it for good, like: You can see your wife perfectly. Look at her and enjoy her, but only her.

There is no problem seeing a woman dressed appropriately, for example the bank teller, If you have to talk to her. The problem is to gaze at her, which is forbidden.

There are ways in which everything can be done in a permitted manner.

So, Beezrat Hashem we can all get to control ourselves, since you do not do it for the next one, not even for Hashem; But you do it FOR YOU.
Do it now!

Thank you,
Yeshivaboy555

Any questions or comments, do not hesitate to put it here, or to my Email: Yeshivaboy555 (at) Gmail.com

Nate

It could be lust, and the thrill of an illicit encounter.

But perhaps being on the road makes you lonely/depressed, and you are filling that emptiness with these encounters?

I suggest if you were previously addicted to substances, then whatever caused that could now cause this wish for sex.
It has simply found an alternative outlet.

​Perhaps there is something unfulfilled in your life?
A need for some creatvive pursuit which has been stiffled by work, marriage, parenthood and time ont he road?

If you can know for sure, then you can put a plan together.

And in the meantime, and for after, if you feel a need for lust.....divert it.
Constructively do something else...from exercise to reading, from studying to watching a film.

Hi Nate thanks for your clarity. After graduating to new ways of acting out my fantasies, I, like you, found no serious satisfaction with masturbation. I'm just suggesting to you that it's not likely any sign of yiras Shomayim but rather there's probably just a lack of deep motivation to do it because you have graduated to something more exciting, a new ritual. 

In a very similar way, this is why getting married actually makes things worse for many of us, especially if we are sex/lust addicts. Once a guy who's full of pornography and desire actually breaks through the barrier of having real sex with a real woman - in this case, his wife - new vistas open up for him, unfortunately. I have seen this happen over and over again.

I also relate very much to your experience here, having masturbated for years and losing the compulsion for it after graduating to more extreme behaviors...finding new rituals. But, b'H, I've been clean for years so far because of working real recovery with real people... unfortunately, a forum isn't 'real relationships'. I was on the phone earlier this week with two guys in a very similar boat as yours...there's help. Over the past 7-8 years, I have met hundreds of guys with your story... There's help, I promise. And there's even more than just one kind. but I haven't found anyone get any kind of real help until they went about it in a real way.

I'm not suggesting to you that what works for me and others will work for you. But I'd be happy to share with you what has been working for me if you want to talk. Posting on GYE is a nice start and see how understanding everyone here is! But I want to suggest to you that the reason your wife isn't as understanding, isn't because she's not as nice, nor is it just because she is hurt. It's mostly because she is reality. Your real relationships - especially your marriage - have a pesky problem: they are real. There are real consequences to our choices. And to any real spouse the most real demonstration that's a marriage is a farce, is that their partner has sex with someone else.

That's going to have to be dealt with in a very real way, because as your wife reminds you, this is very real.

And I think it's pretty obvious that such a thing requires some real changes and some real honesty, which is only real when it's part of a real relationship...not just a forum-post or email to a person using a fake name and who is mostly nice, supportive, and understanding - because what you are doing doesn't affect them at all (which thank G-d, it doesn't). Rather, I suggest that you find people who have been through this themselves and are clean for some time, now.

If you haven't spoken face-to-face with a therapist about this matter yet, would you be willing to? Especially since this is now a family matter, I have discovered that a good therapist is a tremendous help in saving a marriage and helping it thrive after this kind of mess.

​If you haven't yet spoken to anyone who isn't hiding their identity from you (and is sober/clean), would you be willing to? I and some others here have been doing this for years and have met hundreds of people and helped share what we have with them - or at least helped them find real help somewhere else. 

I'm just suggesting to you that doing real things will probably be helpful to you, in contrast with just posting here, no matter how honest the posting and no matter how beautiful the responses.

If you have already done these things then I'm so happy for you! And I trust that things will start to improve in a real way once you stay on that path. But if you haven't yet, then it's probably going to take a bunch of Bravery. And I think that your marriage is worth it.

Nate wrote on 09 May 2019 16:50:


ok; good reason to stop, i guess. I don't wanna be controversial, but if you daven 3x a day, learn torah, perform mitzvos, be good to your wife, raise your beautiful family, you'll probably earn a nice slice of olam haba anyway. - ok, everyone, pile on me!

next. sounds like your marriage is swell; thank God! why are you meetin' these women? do you know what's drivin' you? have you done this before your marriage? your wife was cool with the affair? I'm just probin' a little more; sorry.

and again, we are all here for you. some of us act out constantly; some get massages; some frequent escorts; some watch porn; some have fetishes, some go to clubs, etc. some are all of the above (thank God I included one in that list, so I can't checkmark 'all of the above.')

I want to stop because I don't want to be cut off from Olam Haba. I don't want to be punished for.my aveiros. My wife doesn't know the extent of my addiction. She only knows that I had a problem a few years ago with an affair but that it ended long ago. She doesn't know that I'm still acting out. Out relationship when I'm home is great for the most part. I treat her well and she treats me well. We also have marital relations regularly like any other healthy couple. My acting out is pretty much limited to meeting women online and then meeting in person for casual encounters. Most often it's a one time meeting (or twice) that doesn't go all the way into full blown sex but sex HAS happened on numerous occasions. Even the meetings that don't end in sex will involve kissing or possibly oral sex. The 12 steps helped me get sober from drugs (weed) and alcohol.

cordnoy wrote on 09 May 2019 16:11:

it's nice that the quote button works now; but now, the numbered lists became wonky!

I'm 40 yrs old with a wife and large family. I work out of town and spend long periods of time on the road. I have had sexual relations with multiple women during my years working away from home. I just fell tremendously last night and sinned with a woman I met online. I want to get help now and I realize I can't do it alone. Please help! P.s. imI familiar with the 12 Steps. I've got 11 years of sobriety from drugs and alcohol. I tried SLAA a few years ago but didn't stick with it.shalom and welcome,



firstly, know that you are not alone; we have all been there in one way or the other. know that there is help, and postin' here is a good first step, or perhaps second or third for you.



Some questions please:<*>why do you wanna stop?<*>besides for these women, do you act out as well?<*>how is your marriage?<*>does your wife know your struggles?<*>was it the 12 steps that helped you recover from drugs and alcohol?feel free to answer none, some or all of the above questions.



Godspeed to you



Cordnoy - the resident addict

There is nothing wrong with SA. It is a G-dsend for many many strugglers. It has saved numerous individuals and has kept marriages together. For many it is a life changing tool.     Just curious why are you convinced you are an addict?

Hi I was wondering if anyone here is an addict and has a solid recovery going with out the 12 steps or sa. If yes then please share. 
I’m not saying anything’s wrong with sa i just wanna see all the options. Thanks

Early morning reflections...

It's been a while since I first got on this site. I first started posting on the forums in Feb 2017, so a bit more than 2 years. I guess I can say that this site helped me. When I first got on I was only able to go a bit more than a month without masturbating or looking at porn. Now, I've been able to collect some impressive streaks. Over a year without masturbating, 9 months without porn, multiple streaks of over 4 months without slipping at all. Now at close to seven months without masturbating. These things don't seem that valuable to me now, but I suppose to my younger self of two years, these feats would have seemed impossible. I suppose a GYE thank you is in order, so I say thank you.

Why am I writing now? Why, in the wee hours of the morning? Well, I slipped. I went on youtube and watched some asmr videos. They aren't supposed to be sexual really, but most of them feature women, some who aren't dressed modestly, and something in me hoped these videos would give me relief. I also touched myself in a sexual manner (without masturbating). I'm having a hard time sleeping. I'm having a rough time in general. 

There are things I've explored besides GYE on my road to freedom. I found a recovery buddy who I spoke with on the phone and met up with in person. We became good friends, and he was a great help to me. I did the first 5 steps or so with him acting as my unofficial sponsor. Later, I went to some SA meetings. I didn't really connect with them. I liked the fellowship it provided but not the philosophy underlies the program. I sought therapy from a psychologist, and went for a few months until I could no longer afford it. Mindfulness meditation was a big help as well. 

Addiction...
Who even knows what that is? I used to think that's what I was; an addict. I related to every anecdotal description of addiction by other alleged sex addicts, and frankly, how else could I explain the actions of a nice jewish boy such as myself, unless I was somehow "out of control"? 

One can pathologize everything if one is determined. Food, phones etc. If all one has is a hammer, than everything looks like a nail. I did some reading. Turns out the evidence for sex addiction is abysmal. Turns out that even if people have mental, or environmental factors which affect their sexuality, it may be more helpful to focus on those causes rather than labeling them as having a disease, 

So, I went from someone who is diseased to someone who started recognizing that most objections and even negative feelings I have towards acting out or viewing porn comes from my beliefs and morals, and the resulting conflict between those beliefs and my actions. 

I don't know what the point is here really lol. I'm not really trying to make, just needed to get some of this stuff off my mind. Thanks for listening.  

#4 (i think ill just go with where im holding in terms of complete days ayin l'eil for more info)
4 whole days and soon to crack a 5th. 
4 is the # oisiyos of the shem.
4 is the #     " "    of the word ''yesod" (dont try being a smart aleck)
4 is the four ruchos haolam.
4 is .....you know what else? it means its ONE more day that i overcame my yetzer hara. i think that for none addicts it gets easier with the more consecutive times, days etc. which really is based on the sefer hachinuch but i would like to exp. it heavily first before commenting on that. (although ive felt this in the past with watching myself where i look in the streets.)

cordnoy wrote on 01 May 2019 19:23:

higher wrote on 01 May 2019 16:59:

to quote one of the resident experts on the site:

1. The "need" is imagined, not real....
2. If you come to terms with that and are at peace with the fact that there will be urges, but those urges do not define who you are, you will iyh be able to pull through.
3. As far as learning about this subject i think a first education is to once and for all destroy the mantra/belief that one NEEDS to ejaculate. Although pleasurable it is but an urge. Unlike eating and sleeping it is not a need.
4. Distract yourself for a few minutes and you will see the urge disappear into thin air. It is a desire, not a need.
5. They do not panic when faced with an urge, rather they use the methods they learned here among the chevra. For some, it is to call a friend, another makes a Taphsic, another goes for a walk or turns on a shiur/music, another reads a previously written list of things Hashem does for him on a daily basis.
6. The first step in stopping mzl is to recognize that although it is pleasurable (for a very short time), it is not a need. A person can live a happy and fulfilled life without ejaculation or other sexual stimulation. Food, drink, and sleep are necessities, not sex.
7. When someone is hungry and distracts himself, when the distraction is over, he is starving. When one is tired and gets very busy, when done he "crashes". However when one feels the urge to masturbate and instead gets on a treadmill, goes for a walk, gets busy at work, etc, the urge does not automatically reappear when that distraction/task is over. i have woken up with strong erections "ready to go" and forced myself to get moving and bh the urge did not return. that shows us that ejaculation is not a need, rather a very pleasurable activity which some of us have gotten into the habit as using as a stress reliever, boredom escape, or rejection pacifier. (As we all know the relief is extremely short lived and simply not worth the depression/anxiety/guilt/ feelings we develop immediately after acting out.)
8. I would like to add that my own feeling of liberation has been incredible:  Before abstinence, I was convinced that I had sexual needs, and I was constantly obsessed with fulfilling those needs, not being satisfied, and suffering from terrible frustration (and blaming my wife most of the time).
   Now I realize:  Today I don't NEED sex. I brainwashed myself into thinking I need, and hence all of the above.  I see how emotionally/physically dependent I was on sex.