Forward Steps to Recovery

Using Constructive Relapse-Preventive Thinking

1. Thought Stopping: I’m not going to think about that; I’ve already made my decision.

2. Thought Substitution: I’m in danger – I’d better be alert; I think I’ll call Bob; I think I’ll plan my vacation.

3. Debating/Disputing/Challenging Your Negative Self-Talk: Where is the evidence? Is this thought or belief true or valid? How does this thought or belief serve my best interest?

4. Coping Statements: This feeling will eventually pass; It’s hard, but not too hard; Condemn the behavior, not the person.

5. Positive Affirmation: I have said no to myself before – I can do so again; I’m going to treasure my sobriety; Even if I have lapsed, I can accept myself.

6. Review of Goals (Desirable Outcomes): I want to stop drinking – it’s my goal; I have already decided that I want to keep my relationship with my wife; I want to go home sober.

7. Review of Negative Consequences (Undesirable Outcomes): Eventually, I will lose my job; I can’t take two drinks without taking several more and getting drunk; My relationships will suffer.

8. Do Written Homework (SMART Problem Sheet, ABC Sheet, or Drinking Sheet).

9. Reframing: Look at the situation from another angle or another person’s viewpoint. Look at the benefits of choosing not to engage in the addictive behavior.

10. Rational-Emotive Imagery: Imagine yourself behaving or feeling differently about the situation. Close your eyes and practice responding to someone in a different, more rational, more effective manner.

 -----------------------------------------

Using Constructive Relapse-Preventive Actions

1. Get involved in a project or a recreational activity.

2. Walk the other way.

3. If there are any remaining liquor, drugs, sweets, or other addictive substances in the house, throw them out or flush them down the toilet.

4. Call a friend.

5. Fill in a worksheet.

6. Do something intentionally to lift your spirits other than drinking or drugging: e.g., climb a mountain, go for a brisk walk.

7. Have some seltzer or other non-alcoholic beverage.

8. Go to a SMART Recovery meeting.

9. Read a chapter from Ellis and Velten’s When AA Doesn’t Work for You or another REBT self-help book.

10. Divert/enjoy yourself: Exercise, go for a walk, watch TV, play a game, cook, take a hot bath, have a cup of coffee, read the newspaper, listen to music.

Fightingaddictionnow wrote on 10 Feb 2020 23:35:

Mazel Tov! 
  
Rabbi Elimelech of Lizensk wrote in Tzetyl Kattan, (or “A Small Note”)
 "overcome your bad habits by acting in the complete opposite for 40 consecutive days. If you are lazy, then act extremely vigilant, etc. In all of your actions act with diligence rather than laxity. When you wake up, or go to work, or when organizing yourself."

Seems that 40 days is what it takes to implement a new positive habit...

we areally looking forward to you reaching 90 ... and much more with Hashem's help. 

I have nothing positive to write today just a lot of pain

I can't believe I'm back to this crazy addicted stage once again after close to 80 days of sobriety i have been falling non stop the last few days and the craziness about me is i don't know how to fall like a normal human being, when i fall i end up falling in extremely compulsive ways............right know I'm just full of pain, i just felt I'd rather share it instead of wallowing in my pain.........

 this is one crazy sickness

BH

An Irrational Belief (IB) (Groundless,Illogical, Baseless)is:

• Not True – It’s unrealistic, with no evidence to support it
• Doesn’t make sense – Illogical
• Harmful – It does not help us in the long run

A Rational Belief (RB) (Logical, intelligent) is:

• True – Realistic and supported by evidence
• Makes Sense – Logical
• Helpful – Helps us get what I want in the long run

It helps to learn how to replace inaccurate, irrational beliefs with balanced rational beliefs. We can get to the more rational belief by turning the unhelpful irrational belief into a question and then answering it. The answer often provides a more balanced rational belief that can replace the inaccurate irrational one.

Ask yourself:
What are some of the inaccurate thoughts you’ve had when wanting to engage in an addictive activity?

Disputing Irrational Beliefs Examples
1. Urges are unbearable and I cannot stand them.
Q: Are urges unbearable?
A: No. Urges are unpleasant but they will not kill me, I can stand them and they are bearable.

2. Urges make me use.
Q: Do urges make me use?
A: No. Urges don’t make me use. I choose to use, so, I can choose not to.

3. I cannot cope without using.
Q: Can I cope without using?
A: Yes. My life is actually better when I’m not using. It may not always be easy, but I can cope just fine.

Exercise
Turn each example into a question and give it an answer.

• I’m useless and worthless.
• I’m a complete failure. I will always fail.
• I’ll never be able to stop.
• My partner is useless.
• My partner doesn’t help. He/she wants me to fail.
• Nothing good ever happens to me and it never will.
• Life is unfair. I was born unlucky.
• Life is terrible. It will never get better.

(Excerpts and based off the SMART Recovery Facilitator Handbook)

Coping / Mastery Statements
This strategy is really simple, it involves telling yourself that you can handle the urge without acting on it. Here are some examples of coping statements:

• "Even though it sucks that I have to deal with X problem, [porn] isn’t going to help me.” (This instead of thinking, “I deserve [porn] because I have to deal with X problem,” — SMART Handbook
• "I can do it". —Hester & Miller p. 228
• “Yes, I can.” (Remind yourself in no uncertain terms that you have resisted successfully many times before. Affirm your resilience.)  —Changeology

Here's another bunch from A Workbook for Overcoming Addictions (Horvath):

• This craving will go away in a while if I don’t act on it. If I do act on it, it will return shortly, and probably be even stronger than this one.
• If I don't act on it, this craving will go away, and eventually all of them will go away or become so small as not to be a bother.
• The craving itself won't hurt me.
• It's normal to have a craving for now, because I just began changing. In time they will be gone.
• This craving can’t force me to do anything, I’m the one in control.

You can also come up with your own...

• This is only a nisayon, I can handle it.
• Hashem knows I can handle this urge. It's hard but I can do it.
• I've handled many urges already -- I'm __ days clean on the 90 day chart! I can do this!
• This urge is super uncomfortable, but it's not unbearable. I'm not gonna die from it. It will soon go away... and I'll feel great about myself for resisting.
• Let me just focus on today. I can stay clean one day / hour / minute / at a time.

How to use this technique: Choose or compose a statement based on the ideas above and tell it to yourself next time you have urge. You can memorize it, or write down somewhere and keep it handy.  

שבע יפול צדיק וקם wrote on 06 Feb 2020 03:18:

Thanks for sharing and I relate to your constant struggle with electronic media/internet over indulgence. There is actually a 12 step program called Underearners Anonymous for addicts, whose lives have become unmanageable, from chronic behaviors such as compulsive escaping and time drunkeness through electronic media, among other symptoms.

It doesn't sound like you're an addict but I figured I'd just let you know that you're not alone. For me I couldn't deal with any of these behaviors before I was able to stay sober from lust for an extended period of time and now I'm working towards being free from these compulsive behaviors as well ODAAT.
All the best,
grateful4life

Fightingaddictionnow wrote on 05 Feb 2020 03:34:

Way to go!

We are welcoming a new member "stronglife"

His plan of action which will start with replying to these questions are:

"The changes I want to make are to have a better connection to hashem by stopping my addictive habits of acting out.

The most important reason why I want to make these changes is that I won't feel like I am lying to my family and not going anywhere in my avodas hashem.

I plan to take steps in changing by reading the GYE handbook, keeping in touch with my mentor and replacing that time with learning, tehillim and excersize to destract myself.

The ways others can help me is by giving me encouragement. DavidT and my Rebbeim.

I will know my plan is working if I can go  more consecutive days with less falls.
Stress and lonesomeness can interfere with my plan.
I am not considering seeing something accidentally as against my plan.

my priority for this: 7. i've become accustomed to it.

my confidence: 4, because I've tried a lot before


Now "stronglife" will review the Dealing & Coping with Urges methods and create a plan of action...

MenachemGYE wrote on 03 Feb 2020 21:29:

The power of ONE
The 25th of Elul, the first day of the world’s existence, is further distinguished by being referred to in the Torah as yom echad (“one day”), rather than yom rishon (“the first day”). The Torah thus indicates that on the first day of crea­tion, G‑d was “alone in His world.” Though the entire cre­ated world already existed, it was not separate from its Creator; the world was one with G‑d.

 Rabbi Shais Taub explains, that if you exist, then you are a something. But that’s only because God is creating you that way at this instant. Your essence is to be nothing. Or, should we say, your true and natural state is to have no existence of your own, and to exist only as He exists, within the totality and oneness of God.

If that’s the case, then it explains the mystery of why it can be painful just to exist.

Our somethingness is not our true essence. Oneness is our true essence. Not that it bothers all of us equally. Some people can live with it. Some people can’t (the addicts). 

One of the core methods that SMART promotes is to distinguish between rational and irrational thoughts. Rational thoughts are thoughts that are helpful, consistent with reality, and logical. וחילופיהן בגולם...

The concept simple and powerful. Here are some examples from the one of the SMART handouts (click here for a PDF) how this works when it comes to urges:



For more examples see the SMART Handout

This concept can be applied to any self imposed beliefs about how we look at the world. 

For example, "I shouldn't be this hard" is a irrational belief: Who says it "shouldn't" be so hard? A more rational belief would be "I'm unhappy it so hard for me, but if Hashem gave me this challenge, I can handle it."

Another related tool in SMART is the ABC tool. For more info on that tool click here.

This is a beta test of doing SMART recovery online with members of GYE. Anyone can join and hopefully this will help many get to a smooth recovery.  (see more about the program details below*) 

STEP 1: "Stages of Change"
Understanding the Stages of Change, can help you understand yourself much better, and also help clarify what you should be focusing on.
We can be in one of 5 stages:

1. Precontemplation - You're not interested in changing. Your goal is to start considering change.
2. Contemplation - You're considering the change, but have mixed feelings. Your goal is to make a decision.
3. Preparation - You're making a personal realistic and acceptable plan. Your goal is to make a commitment to implement the plan.
4. Action - You're taking action to implement the plan, improving the plan with trial and error, dealing with slips and falls. Your goal is to apply the plan for 6 months and gain confidence that you can really do it.
5. Maintenance - You're sustaining your new behavior and working to prevent relapse. Your goal is to improve your lifestyle in a way that supports the change for the long term.

Now, the question of what to do next depends heavily on what stage you're currently at.
See HERE for details on identifying in which stage you are currently at. 
-------------------------------------------------
We will start with a special member ybsys.
This member has recently had a clean streak of 18 days, then he fell again. Now he is up to  streak of 7 days.
So being that he does not yet have a personal plan of action for Urge Management, environment control, rewards etc,  he is in the Preparation stage. 
So now I will work with him to create a plan of action. I will post the plan after he agrees to it.
The next stage will be Action, where he will actually start implementing the plan, and try it out in the real life.
-------------------------------------------------

If anyone wants to join, please post based on the above info, where do you stand in the "Stages of Change" ...

-------------------------------------------------
*more about the SMART Recovery 4-Point Program

SMART Recovery (Self Management And Recovery Training) helps individuals gain independence from addiction (substances or activities).Our efforts are based on scientific knowledge and evolve as scientific knowledge evolves.

The 4-Point Program offers specific tools and techniques for each of the program points:

Point 1: Building and Maintaining Motivation

Point 2: Coping with Urges

Point 3: Managing Thoughts, Feelings and Behaviors

Point 4: Living a Balanced Life

Here's some more background on the value of pleasant activities. 

Professional Sources

The 3 main rationales for increasing pleasant activities are[1]:

1. Often when we quit porn/masturbation we feel a void in life.
2. Many people focus too much on "shoulds" without balancing these with pleasures. This can lead to relapse.
3. Increasing pleasant activities improves our mood.

Alan Marlatt writes[2]:

In one of the addiction recovery programs suggested by the US government, there is a lot of talk about Recreational and Leisure Activities and Exercise. See here, worksheets 21-23.

Moderation Management

The "Moderation Management" program also talks about finding more rewarding activities [3]:

Pleasant activities in the context of lust/porn

Gary Wilson in Your Brain on Porn thinks that when dealing with porn, it's good to focus on things that will help keep our brain in balance:


The Fortify program leaves it more open:


I hope this offers some food for thought... 

----
Footnotes:
1. Hester and Miller p. 225
2. Relapse Prevention (p. 290)
3. Moderation Management Ch. 9

I'm also very interested to hear if any experienced GYE members here have input on this.

In the meantime, here's some info from the GYE Handbook:

Alternative Fulfillment

We frequently focus on breaking the addiction by avoiding triggers and running away from the Yetzer Hara. But often the best way to deal with an addiction, is to remove the underlying "needs" that the addiction is trying to fill by proactively engaging in alternative fulfilling pursuits.

More often than not, an addiction is a psychological escape that we learned to use as a way to flee from the realities of life. If we can manage, in the early stages of the addiction, to keep ourselves occupied with healthy and fulfilling activities that we enjoy, and find more meaning in our lives, the addiction will often fade away of its own accord. Fulfillment often comes from finding realistic challenges and reaching the goals that we set for ourselves.

We should try to find new jobs or projects that will enable us to express our creativity, find enjoyment, and reconnect with life and the world around us. This will help fill the "void" that we were subconsciously trying to satisfy with unhealthy pleasure seeking. Some ideas can be found in our "Kosher Isle" (and especially in "Kosher Activities" section).

"False" fulfillment causes us to close up into ourselves and slowly destroys our lives and our souls. True fulfillment, on the other hand, helps us open up to the world around us and reconnect with our souls. Every Jew has a “G-d Hole”, a place inside them that feels empty if not filled with G-d. Often, we subconsciously try to fill that feeling of emptiness with lusting. The best way to fill the ‘G-d Hole’ and achieve fulfillment and joy obviously comes from a true connection with Hashem. As the Pasuk says: “Tamu U’re’u Ki Tov Hashem – Taste and see that Hashem is good”, and “Ve’hisaneg al Hashem– Find Pleasure in Hashem”. This can be built up by adding Kedusha to our lives, seeking a deeper connection with Yiddishkeit in general, and through learning Torah with enjoyment. Torah is like water, and we can't put out a fire without water, even if we know it burns. We can try to hook up with a new chavrusah or add a shiur to our daily/weekly schedules. See the Torah section of our Kosher Isle for more ideas on how to add Torah to our lives, and for links to many great websites of Torah audio and video shiurim.

We can also seek “oneg” (pleasure) in Mitzvos like Shabbos and Yom-Tov, through singing zemiros and spending quality time with our children. These things are also included in “Ve’hisaneg al Hashem” because oneg that is connected to Mitzvos has a kiyum (lasts). Yes, even good food on Shabbos can be a spiritual experience, as opposed to forbidden pleasures which leave us feeling empty inside (and that’s why we want it again so soon afterward).

Other ideas to help us start living "outside of ourselves" and feel more fulfillment in general, could include Chesed projects or involvement in the community in various ways. If you are a Bochur in Yeshiva, you might try and get the job of organizing the Otzar Haseforim, running a canteen, providing dry cleaning services, haircuts, etc... If you are not learning and also unemployed, try to find a job! The main thing is to keep busy, reconnect to the world around us and find fulfillment in a variety of ways that will counteract the "false fulfillment" that the addiction tries to provide us with.

Rav Wolbe Zatza”l in his Sefer “Psychiatry and Religion” (Pg. 82) suggests cultivating a combination of religious and social fulfillment to help our youth beat this challenge. He writes:

The difficult phase of adolescence is fertile soil for feelings of guilt, especially for religious youth. Masturbation is a serious prohibition. Yet almost all youth stumble in this and are unable to find the strength to overcome this in any way. The result is feelings of guilt. This is where wise guidance from Rabbanim and Mechnchim becomes so necessary. As is known, a Rav is not licensed to “forgive sins” and surely not to permit the forbidden. However, he can guide, calm and bring the youth to acceptance of himself. And together with that, to cultivate an intensive social life and help bring the youth into the vast wealth of Torah, which can arouse in him a deep thirst to acquire and grow in Torah. As our sages have said, “Torah is good with Derech Eretz, for the toil in both makes sins be forgotten”. In other words, the toil in Torah together with the toil of cultivating a thriving social life, brings to a situation where, over time, one forgets to sin. Instead of a constant battle, which is hopeless, through the positive hard work in Torah and a social life, slowly but surely, the youth will recover from masturbation. This is the conventional path of Chinuch that is accepted today. Yes, Torah life needs intensive chinuch. Without chinuch, there is no escape from youth sinking into feelings of guilt and despair.

Physical Activity

When we talk about recovery and emotional health, our physical body is a critical factor in the equation. Getting enough sleep, good nutrition and especially exercise, add a whole lot more to our "spiritual centeredness and emotional well being" than most people give it credit for. As the Pasuk says, "Venishmartem Me'od Li’nafshoseichem - and you shall vigilantly guard your wellbeing".

Often our addiction is fed by underlying emotional imbalances. If we are depressed, anxious or stressed, then as addicts, we will escape to our "drug of choice" - lust. Physical activity and exercise can be very beneficial in easing anxiety, stress and depression, which scientists tell us is often produced by an imbalance of neurotransmitters in the brain. Exercise not only impacts endorphins (our feel-good hormones), but it also increases levels of serotonin and dopamine, creating more balance. This produces the famous "runner’s high," decreases anxiety, and provides an overall feeling of calmness.

At all levels of the struggle/addiction, it is very beneficial to engage in exercise and physical activities on a regular basis, at least a few times a week. Experience has shown that a consistent exercise regimen can be very helpful in combating addictive behaviors, and especially in dealing with the irritability and stress that are common withdrawal symptoms.

Exercising every day has been proven to positively impact an addict in many other ways as well. For example, in active addiction we can easily lose structure and meaning in our days. Regular exercise fills time and keeps the mind busy. It has been shown to boost self-esteem and self-confidence. We will also find that the self-discipline required and learned through regular exercise spills over into other areas of our life and will help us change our bad-habits. Exercise positively affects sleep, cognitive function and reduces cravings. It improves the mind-body connection and reduces symptoms of illnesses and disease. Exercise provides a healthy release for our frustrations, disappointments, anger, and negative energy, and makes us feel happier overall. People who exercise are more optimistic and happy than those who lead sedentary lifestyles. Research also suggests that burning off 350 calories three times a week through sustained, sweat-inducing activity can in many cases reduce symptoms of depression just as effectively as antidepressants.

Any form of exercise can help us boost our immunity to addictive tendencies, whether it's running, biking, walking or working out in a gym (make sure it’s a kosher gym, or it can turn out to be more detrimental than beneficial to us).

Often we convince ourselves that we are too tired, or that we don't have the energy to make a commitment to start exercising regularly. The only way to overcome this mindset is through action. Start moving your body and let the details get worked out later. We may not feel like walking or jogging, but if we force ourselves to get out the door and hit the pavement, before we know it we'll be back home, breathing hard and feeling invigorated. In other words, we're not going to feel great some day and decide to go jogging or walking - it's the other way around. We have to get out there and do it, despite how we may feel, and then we will be able to look back and see how our new routine has energized our lives and made it easier for us to stay clean.

Fightingaddictionnow wrote on 02 Feb 2020 18:36:

Mark18 wrote on 02 Feb 2020 20:00:


I have been dealing with these issues for at least 12 years. I have had successes and failures. The loneliness and shame that I have experienced around these issues is immeasurable. Fightingaddictionnow and Mark18, you holy brothers just undid a lot of that. I am forever grateful and I wish I could embrace you both for real.

You wrote, Mark18, that you don't know if I can fully appreciate being clean for a week. The answer is that I can't. In all of my years struggling, I have never appreciated and felt good about the days, weeks, months, years free of these aveiros. I have always placed my trust in the reward that waits for me after I die, but I never have felt good. Plain and pashut. Being real. However, reading these two posts made me honestly feel good for the first time for this 7-day period of no inappropriate activity. Thank you so much for this gift.

For the text:

Hashem Help Me wrote on 02 Feb 2020 12:34:

I recently bumped into a conversation where it was confirmed to me that this issue is more of a super majority problem, then a majority, so you might have been wrong by calling it a majority... Probably not in addictive way but prevelent nonetheless.