Markz wrote on 05 Mar 2020 01:18:


Very valid point.  However, It's very difficult to be the Nachshon ben Aminadav.

​Part of what makes GYE so successful is the anonymous aspect of it.  People who struggles in these areas are very embarrassed to share their struggles.  This is not as much the case when it come to those who struggles with other forms of addictions (drugs, alcohol, etc.).  That's why the first step is removing the stigma.  The frum community has been successful is reducing the stigma in other areas.  If this is as widespread and rampant, then why is this not discussed more often and openly?  People continue to use the euphemism of "Technology safety".  Sometime, in order to get a message across, people need to hear the untainted truth. 

Fightingaddictionnow wrote on 05 Mar 2020 02:21:

It's great that Boruch Hashem you pulled through. What's your plan for next time you are very triggered? Also is there a geder you can make that at least for the meantime you won't be alone with an unsafe device?

doingtshuva wrote on 04 Mar 2020 23:43:

Whether we like it or not, before we discuss how much others should share their personal lives, we need to look in the mirror, remove the corona face mask and ask ourselves - have I disclosed my struggles honestly and sufficiently to my Rav / Therapist / Chaver...

I can assure you that if all the gye members ourselves would stand up to the plate, it would likely help significantly remove the stigma

GYE had a convention in Israel, how many of us would be ready to stand up to the podium to share our story?
Its a tough issue

#GdSaveUsFromaVirus

wilnevergiveup wrote on 04 Mar 2020 05:19:

Mechanchim an Rabonim can refer people to GYE, but as long they are hiding their own issues and struggles from their own students, the topic will stay a secret.
We are in a generation that everyone is struggling, but no one is ready to get up and talk about it publicly. 
I would like to hear of michanchim who share with their students the way they overcome their struggles.

drust,

Thanks for sharing your struggle.
We all are powerless to all that stuff.You are not alone. You said you had a crush on a p-star. Haven't we all had that?
The thing is to admit that's the way Hashem made us. We are powerless to this kind of stuff. And the next very best thing is to truly decide we can't go on like this anymore. To truly give up lust. If you sincerely want to quit, then like everyone else said you need to take every precaution, filters, change circumstances. Admit that, by yourself, without any precautions, you will fall prey to the same triggers, then self-loathe, all in a vicious cycle. Make a real plan. And you may yet still fall, and then you keep working on your plan and reaching out, until things settle (and you don't settle lol, keep upping the defenses because even senior members here are prone to falls). I know that because I used to be in your shoes just a while ago. I still had my unfiltered phone. I made all kinds of excuses. It slows the internet. Sometimes the apps just don't work. But in reality, I wasn't ready to give up lust. I thought I needed it.  I thought I couldn't live without it. It was like the "bottle in the fridge". I could reach out whenever I thought "I really need it". Once you decide not only you don't need it, but you need to get rid of it for good, then you're ready to actually do everything that's in your reach. But it takes real honesty with yourself. Do I really want to stop? Am I willing to make some small sacrifices to keep clean? Self-beating is also a tool of the YH. It leads us to nowhere. The YH wants us to feel down, helpless and even more than that. The YH wants us to quit the game. So first of all, don't beat yourself up, even if you C"V fall! We are all in day 1 here, we are all addicts, we all have our "things". For ideas for a plan, check out the GYE handbook. Keep coming here on a daily basis if you can, because the chizuk is very good. If you can join an SA meeting that's ideal. If you can reach out to someone here (anonymously) by the phone, it's very good too.
Keep us posted and yasher koach! You seem very determined.
I'm davening for you!

BTW: I'm married, as well as many members here are. For my case, it actually entails even more triggers, which sometimes make my battle even harder. But it's completely possible to stay clean while single, for any amount of time. Wet dreams may occur more often than for married guys, but that's it. 

I Don't think that's the only issue. I was also thinking when I was introduced to GYE, why isn't everyone talking about this, we have a big problem, here is a potential solution, lets get going! But there is also the exposing people who were never exposed and I think that our gedolei yisroel (who know our problem for the most part) feel that we still need to keep those people sheltered. This obviously complicates things, as you would have to find a venue that serves only people already exposed, obvously a Melava Malka for sex addicts would be uncomfortable to attend (the stigma issue). 

From what it seems, at this point, Mechanchim an Rabonim do refer people to GYE. 

May everyone get the help that they need. 

Snowflake wrote on 02 Mar 2020 18:27:

Amazing post!

Hey drust,

Great work on the 8 days! Keep going
Have you ever heard of the dry drunk? The guy who's an alcoholic tries desperately to stop drinking, but without 12 steps or the tried tools. He tries as he can to avoid alcohol, but he hasn't given it up internally. He's always anxious about finding alcohol on the street and when he does, he slips and falls. He is never happy and his life is about avoiding alcohol. He could, in fact, not drink for the rest of his whole life. But he'll be anxious as hell and practically speaking he will go back to drinking.
I'm sorry to say but from reading your posts, you don't seem to have given up lust, at least internally. I don't mean to sound harsh or patronizing at all, only to help you Bez"H.
Stopping M can and should be an easy flight, if the right precautions are taken. It shouldn't be something so frightening.
-Do you have good filters? Not having them is a deal-breaker. You can't stay clean without good filters. The filter also simbolizes the giving up. It means you admit you can't handle it on your own, and that you're ready to give up lust. It's a statement. I don't need nor want that in my life. All devices should be filtered.
-Take notes on how you fall. Is it in the office? Is it at home? We lust addicts can't expect to repeat old behaviours and circumstances and think this time will be different. If you notice how you fall, it's probably a pattern. If you identify it, you can break it up. Again, it's about giving up. I Snowflake, for instance, admit I can't go to the bathroom far from my bedroom at midnight with an unfiltered phone. To be sure, I don't even go there. If I do, I check my phone out (even though my phone is filtered). I use the bathroom nearby my bedroom, where my wife can at least hear me.
-Give up lust. Not talking about videos or whatever (these should be the first to go out). I'm talking about that look on an innapropriately dressed woman. That extra 5 second staring at an ad. The forbidden thoughts. Realize lust is the villain. It kills you from the very inside. Giving it up will be the best thing you can ever do. Just say to yourself, I need to cut this off from me. You can't control the thoughts or even the looks. Sometimes something forbidden just comes right in front of you. But you can divert them in a short span and minimize damages. That's in your power.
-Read the 12 steps and Dov's shiurim/quotes. They go deep into what is recovery and why we need it.
-Do you have a plan for the urges? When an urge comes, our instinct is to isolate ourselves. We must do the opposite and come here, and express our feelings.
Again, sorry if I seem harsh, just wanna help you out.
This is a long term thing and it needs a long term plan.
Anyway I'm here to help as I'm sure everyone else here.

Sheva, you hit the nail on the head! There are many guys who are great ehrliche people. They learn, daven, give tzedakah, do chessed, have great midos/mentshlechkeit, are careful with mitvos, kashrus, lashon hara, etc. For some reason, instead of appreciating all that, their measuring stick if they are good guys is completely based on if they did or didn't watch pornography/masturbate on a given day. Now let's honestly analyze this - keeping in mind that the majority of these great individuals were introduced to pornography/masturbation at relatively young ages, where they really did not understand the severity of these actions (many did not even know they were assur). By the time they realized the issurim involved and/or dangerous habit forming nature of these actions, they were deeply entrenched in habit/addiction. In reality we have a group of great fellows who have so much to be proud of, and they also have a tough area that has to be worked on. A brilliant diamond with a stubborn flaw that needs serious polishing. Step one for so many guys here, me included, was to simply once and for all stop looking at themselves as losers and reshaim. Once the healthy self worth is intact, one can iyh start dealing with this side issue. It is noteworthy how many intelligent guys have a really hard time with this concept - even after hearing it from Gedolei Yisroel. In reality it is an atzas ha'yetzer to get tzebrochen and wallow in yi'ush/despair. So let's keep publicizing what Sheva wrote here. Hatzlocha to all.

Thank you Brother Fightingaddictionnow for the replies and thank you all for the "Thank You"s.

Day #26

Regarding #4
What's addictive about sobriety? At least I haven't found it addictive yet:confused:

Unfortunately I'm still in a bad territory, i just don't feel the strength for another round on the other hand i don't have a choice I'm such a crazy kind of addict where i just compulsively masturbate until i feel dizzy and sad.

So for now for the next week i will iy'h post a daily update on GYE and focus on the craziness of this addiction.........

Thanks DavidT for posting that, breaking the ice for me (:
I want to share with everyone something amazing. I hope this will continue, but the past 33 days, since I joined GYE I have had an amazingly easy time (comparatively) with my addictions. 
Daven your heart out. It might take years- for me it has been a long 14 years... but I've now been cleaner than I've ever been before. I've experienced tremendous Siyatta Dishmaya- you can too. Don't give up. Ever. 
Hashem loves your tefilos, and He is storing them up for when the time is right. He will help you, lifting you up on your own personal miracle. It might take every possible step in the GYE handbook, but you will get there. 

User x102353 is joining the SMART recovery program. Here are his responses:

I am at level 4 (Action)

Baruch Hashem since I joined GYE I have been completely clean, except for a little almost slip with some social media.

I am working towards the 90 days, and then 6 months sounds like a good plan to me.

I continue to find ways to balance myself, and ways to avoid triggers, like seeing things on the street or the internet. I want to continue with these changes, and stay free of P&M.

The most important reasons for this is I want to have a good marriage, I believe I'll have a better life with this new way, and I want a better after-life.
Additionally, I want to reach my potential, and I think that this is a major step in that.

My wife is helping me with watching what I do on the internet, and everyone on GYE  are helping me by sharing and being available for talking when I need some chizzuk.

Lastly, DavidT is heping me by constantly reaching out so I don't feel alone or forgotten, or unimportant.

I know my plan is working by my internal "clock", sensitive to my addiction and my feelings, telling me when I'm feeling strong and when I need some help.

I believe every day that passes is one step closer to living a better life. If chas ve'shalom some non-filtered device comes my way I fear I could fall.

I am about 8 on the confidence scale, and it's a 10 important to me that I make these changes and live a different life.

Backward Steps to Addictive Behavior


Just as recovery is a process and not an event, so is relapse. As a part of your relapse prevention plan, cultivate your awareness of these common backward steps toward addictive behavior.

TRIGGERS – External, interpersonal, and intrapersonal.
Which areas are the riskiest for you?
Which do you have the most difficulty combating?
Rate each category from 0-10 (where 10 is the riskiest or most difficult).

a.____ Conditioned responses in certain settings
b.____ Unpleasant emotions
c.____ Unpleasant physical sensations
d.____ Pleasant emotions
e.____ Pressure from others
f. ____ Conflict with others
g.____ Socializing
h.____ Testing personal control

IMAGINING/FANTASIZING – Start to imagine what it would be like to… how you would feel, how you would think and act … then…


UNHELPFUL THINKING – Irrational beliefs, cognitive distortions, and rationalizations that you used to convince yourself to take the backward step.

a.___ Negative exaggeration; awfulizing; catastrophizing.
b.___ Self-downing / self denigration.
c.___ Rationalizations:
“It won’t really matter.”
“I deserve it.”
“I will only have one.”
“It’s been a long time.”
d.___ Low frustration tolerance (LFT):
“I can’t stand it.”
“It’s awful.”
e.___ The Tyranny of the Shoulds:
“It shouldn’t be so hard.”
“I shouldn’t have this problem.”
“S/he shouldn’t speak to me that way.”
“The world stinks, and it shouldn’t!”

PLANNING
– “I’ll just go down to the store and buy a bottle.”
– “I’ll finish this project and then go to the bar.”
– “I’ll take some money out of my other account.”
–  Others:_____________________________________________________

ACTING – Behaviors that lead to UNDESIRABLE OUTCOMES (list them)

Teach yourself how to respond at each step. Even though it gets harder to intervene at each step along the way, it can be done. Practice rehearsing relapse preventive self-talk in SMART Recovery group meetings (role-playing is an excellent exercise), out loud at home, into a tape recorder, or in writing.