....Then it was 12:00 pm and I'm fighting back and forth looking at images but nothing really explicit, debating whether or not I should go further. It was really difficult ....

....3. Not look at triggering images on google images (even with safe search)....

wilnevergiveup wrote on 30 Apr 2020 05:44:

Hi Thank you for your comments.

As I have indicated that what I'm saying is not the solution for everybody, but for those that have similar concerns and issues such as been single, not been able to channel the sexual desires that one has in a productive and normal way, that is with a wife.

I think that there is a misconception that we all have. We tend to believe that we watch porn and masturbate because there is something inherently wrong with us and that needs therapy. I have explained that there is nothing wrong with us. The body at a certain age awakens and it has its desires, exactly the same way one has a desire to eat and drink. These are called bodily desires or needs. So we don't masturbate because there is something wrong with us, we do it because we have a certain bodily desire that needs to be tended to.

The premise is that this is a terrible addiction that needs a cure. Its not an addiction. Unless one wants to suggest the ludicrous notion that eating and drinking 3 times a day is an addiction. If its not an addiction then what it is?

Simply put, no one has asked this when they were born. It is something that is inherent within us human beings. When one does not have an outlet of how to express these great bodily and emotional needs of sexuality then they turn to porn and masturbation in order to release the tension and urge. It is not done with the thought of angering God. No one religious sits next to a computer and says to God: 'You know what? I am going to watch porn and masturbate because I want to make you angry'. This never happens with normative orthodox individuals.

​So why are we doing it? because we are single, and when you're single you don't have anyone to share your sexuality with. This in turn turns into loneliness, frustration, bitterness and anger, all the ingredients that culminate with the end result of porn and masturbation.

One may ask then why those who are married still watch porn and masturbate? there can be many factors. I personally believe that the current Jewish lifestyle is engulfed with extreme stress and many expectations. The regular orthodox family produces between 5 to 10 children on average. Many of these young couples are not able to cope with the hardships of running such a costly and daunting project, the modern day Jewish household. 

They are not happy with their lot. They want to be more stringent Beth Hillel and Beth Shamai who both say depending on their opinion that a man has done his duty in performing the commandment of been fruitful by producing a boy and a girl (Hillel) or 2 boys and 2 girls (Shami) we Pasken according to Hillel. At any rate, these young couples generically and specifically create unnecessary burdens and difficulties for themselves. The wife is constantly tending the children, she really has no time for herself, to take care of herself and be presentable to the husband. many at times a husband comes home and all he sees is a gigantic mess of youngsters turning the entire house around while the mother is so tired and broken up by the end of the day, it is any wonder that she has any more strength left to create spark for her husband?

​Then you have the man, the husband, who comes home from work, or from Kollel. Beaten down by the many tasks and duties that he has generically introduced himself to. Besides getting up in the morning to go to Shul, he has to run to the grocery, buy baby food, diapers, and million other things, he goes to work tired, comes tired, and he too does not look as the sexiest man alive that's an understatement.

Todays young Jewish adults, are trained to live a certain lifestyle that is out of touch with reality. Our Sages of antiquity certainly didn't have this kind of life style that saps the energy out of the couple. A young couple of 5 to 10 children are behaving like grandparents by their mid 30's.

With all this stress, duties, and endless errands, is it any wonder, that the couple is left with a very little room just for themselves? Couples believe that they get married and that's it, they believe that marriage shouldn't be nurtured. The truth is, that the couple has to be ready and willing to excite each other and make themselves rejuvenate as frequently as possible.

When the wife has that time of the month, the couple has to have strong, deep and meaningful conversations, of how much they care about each other, ho much they love each other. When was the last time any married couple had looked each other in the eyes and told them how much they love each other? and how much they mean to each other and that they couldn't imagine themselves without them? Probably next to nothing.

Is it then any wonder, why the couple though seem physically close under the same roof, to be instead emotionally detached. When there is no connection and real meaningful relationship that is the root of all the problems, and then comes the snake waiting on the sidelines holding porn on the one hand and masturbation on the other. Two worthless and meaningless pursuits to forget about the pain of disconnection and lonliness.

I believe that couples suppose to set normal and achievable goals for themselves. Do what you can, enough with the so called 'Mesirut Nefesh' that has caused you your marriage, your sex life, and caused you to be come a burden on everyone you know.

It is important to be happy with your lot. Bring as many children to the world that you know you can handle both financially and emotionally. So that you may have time to spend with your spouse. 

So I would say that a lot of this has to do with the lifestyle.

To conclude my solution for single man is: A wife. 

The solution for married man is : To appreciate the gift that God has bestowed upon you, make your lifestyle the style that you can really carry so you won't break down under the load. And most importantly, both the husband and the wife should be madly in love with each other. You want to hear what is real love? how about taking a look at Shir Hashirim.

The underlining thing for both of this solutions is to stop thinking that there is something wrong with you and that you are crazy or addicted. Its absolutely not that. As I have indicated, the problems are not too complicated. Some in the powers to be would make you think that they are complicated they are not. Instead of pushing a wagon up the mountain with an old donkey that is ready to expire, you should get off that band wagon, be a man and start climbing the mountain all by yourself and let go of that band wagon of nonsensical thinking, worthless lifestyle of unachievable expectations and dreams of rewards in the world to come for your 'מסירות נפש'. Don't think about living in hell now and getting heaven later.

I have a better solution: How about living in Gan Eden right now and also working on getting a gan eden later on?

Why one thinks that he needs to live in Gehenom in order to merit Gan eden?

This false equation needs to be destroyed. 

God wants us all to be happy and its time that we all try to make our lives better. Counting days and nights of how many times you have not watched porn and masturbated will get us nowhere. What we need is a spiritual and physical awakening that clears our minds to let us see what are the true causes of our problems.

Regards,

As of now, and probably for the next couple of years I am happy to be a sober addict. Sober every day but not really doing it as a lifelong string of sobriety but rather as 'one clean day'. and again 'one clean day'. Iy"h I"ll soon say it as 'one clean week' followed by another 'one clean week'.