Speaking for myself, "GYE forum addiction" eventually recedes. Being that as great as GYE is, it does not have the adrenalin gushing thrills that pornography, drugs, alcohol, or gambling have, one slowly acclimates to a healthy balance of trying to help others/share struggles/receive chizuk without letting it overtake one's life. Just my experience....

Grant, don't you dare disappear!

Dear optimisim,
Welcome to this forum! Thank you for sharing! I relate a lot to your share. Have you ever heard of the 12 steps program? I am still a beginner in this program but for me, it is really a great way to deal with this addiction. I discover that it is not only porn but mainly lust that is used to cover fear, resentment and all sort of character defect. I am glad that I do not have to do it alone. Do not hesitate to ask question.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 16 Nov 2020 12:22:

I think it's their addiction (or desire or Y"H or whatever you want to call it) that's intimidated. We know that we wont be able to control ourselves and that's precisely why we don't get that filter. It's because we still thing that porn and whatever are our lifesaving drug and without it we will die. Who can get a filter knowing that it will bring upon them a slow and painful death...

Update: So far doing really good BH. Initial reaction after last unfortunate fall still as strong as right after.

I just have 2 points I'd like the oilams opinion on.

1) My whole life I was an extreme luster. When I got married I was sex obsessed (No I'm not! I'm a regular HEALTHY man!). I had certain understandings how my bedroom was supposed to look (I don't mean decor), and I caused a lot of issues. BH after figuring out that the problems were caused by me (Me?!? All I want is for HER to enjoy! I'm SO selfless) I corrected it and with the help of Hashem everything is slowly falling back into place.

Since joining GYE I've been slaving away and working on myself to change my mindset regarding lust and sex. I now understand that it's definitely not a need at all (But, but...). In the past I tried to turn every intimate moment into sex, and even if I didn't it took superhuman effort not to. If I was excited, a release was a MUST! Now I am on a whole different planet. It's not something that I wonder the whole day if and when my next fix will come. I am not upset if the plans don't work out, and actually beg my better half to please go to sleep if she's tired and not do me a favor.

But. Although I'm not obsessing and not laser focused on it, nevertheless it's still on my mind. It's not a thought that I need it or that she must be willing because its been x amount of days already etc. but just "oh, if its tonight it will be enjoyable ", or "yeah, If now it'd be nice, because I'm in the mood" (Like when am I not). But if not I'm perfectly ok with it too!

So my question is: Did I reach the desire level of a regular healthy non extra-lusting male, or do I still have work to do and this is just a lower level of wrongful lusting? If yes, how do I do that?

2) A very nice caring fellow PMed me with the following point.

He read through my thread and noted an observation that someone here pointed out to him about himself, and he felt that it may apply to me.

He saw that I've started with lust, moved on to movies in an addictive way and gave that up too. Now he sees I'm on GYE a lot (Understatement,  I know I should shut the heck up already! ). He beautifully pointed out that maybe GYE became my new "drug" or hobby and is replacing the time and thought that went into movies, and unless I stop with that too (Stop cheering! I literally can hear you) I am not going to be totally healed unless I throw out all my "pacifiers" and face myself.

The truth is I've recently discussed this with myself, (it was a great discussion, we seemed to be on the same page, and thought we were both incredibly handsome too) and decided that that's not the case. Because I've actually had a lot of stuff come up and I wouldn't have nearly as much time for movies as I used to. So technically this isn't a replacement as far as extra time goes. Also, one of the primary reasons I try to remain connected is that it keeps my resolution and resolve fresh, and forces me to continue giving thought to the topic of remaining clean. It truly serves as daily or hourly inspiration. (Yay! It helps you...but why do we have to suffer!?!)

But after ruminating about this over shabbos, I'm not sure if that's the truth or just the truth as I want it.

So my friends I ask you this: Wadaya think? Should I cut down on the amount of time I'm on GYE to assist in my complete recovery of all of these things that give one the ability not to be מיחד with himself, and not have to think?

                                   Grant

טאטע לעבען איך האט דיר געפרעגט די ב קשיות ביטע ענפערט מיר א תירוץ     

Hi optomisim i feel for you i know.. this addiction gives us a place of fake refuge like drinking etc... and when we cant run to that refuge all the stuff we have hidden under the carpet gets exposed.... and sometimes we can't handle it. When we are fixed on sonething in this world suddenly everything is against us.. as if the world wants us tobprovw that we want to do something/change.

covid has sped up the process so be strong so be strong and start again! Say to yourself you can do it because you can!!! You can overcome this nisayon!!! Hatzlacha!!!

I had another fall last night right before I went to sleep.

I realized that notwithstanding my fall, I am not in a state where i regularly pursue or even desire to act out. I’m not sure if that means I never had a serious addiction or if I made a lot of progress in breaking it. Regardless, I don’t struggle with this regularly. It’s usually just off the table. That being said, it’s more difficult to withstand the nisayon when it hasn’t shown up for 2 and a half months, whereas if I’m fighting it every day, I’m always ready. Don’t know if that makes any sense.

I just want to add (I think this is what Markz meant) that although it seems (and is true) that your wife is supportive and is rooting for you (she is) you must proceed with caution. She is not your therapist and should never be especially when it comes to these issues, even if she is a trained one.
Whichever way you slice it, she is hurt beyond anything a man could imagine and anytime this subject comes up she is reminded of her pain. Even the things that are related to your recovery can cause her tremendous pain like the mention of GYE. 
Most women don't want recovered porn or sex addicts as their husbands, they want husbands who just know about them.

I don't know if I am getting the message across in a sensitive but clear way but I feel very strongly (from personal experience) that the best way to proceed it to get some long and healthy streaks under your belt, and when your confident enough that you are past this, you can tell her (obviously, if he already knows) that you worked really hard and saw great results.

I guess my point is, think about it clearly, are you feeling alone in this struggle and therefore you wish to share everything with your wife just to get it off your chest? Then it's purely tzar ba'alei chayim. Go find a therapist, Rebbi or mentor to do your dirty work.
If you are at a stage where you cannot proceed without her then you can talk to her about it, but this is only in severe cases.

All the best,
Wilnevergiveup

This is a great point. The reason behind the 90 day chart is that it is a milestone in overcoming addiction and helps rewire the brain. But it's far from the only goal. And for all the other goals, other ways of counting, such as the way you mentioned, are so valuable.

I think it's important to count both ways:
1) The journey to 90 days.
2) The overall progress of the last 90 days.

And perhaps a third way: how many times in the last 90 days I said no to myself, even for a short time.

Hatzlocha

YetzerTov26 wrote on 11 Nov 2020 04:38:

Welcome to the club. 

Sorry - Your Therapist can’t be your friend and definitely not your wife. I hope you have someone else for that. 

Hatzalcha

Grant400 wrote on 11 Nov 2020 05:03:

Real life got in the way.

Bigmoish wrote on 11 Nov 2020 04:30:

If you're still doing that...why did you take such a long hiatus? 

Hi everyone. I'll try to make this as brief as possible.

I joined GYE 9 days ago and have been clean since. My wife had known about my issue before but had given me the space to figure it out for myself and assumed I was making progress, when really, things have gotten pretty bad with my pornography and MB addiction recently. Something triggered her to start the conversation last week though, and it was extremely intense, putting a heavy weight on our whole relationship and my life in general. I am fortunate that my wife has a background in mental health and has a good understanding of addictions so overall she was able to accept it for what it is and not chas vshalom leave me as a cheater or anything like that. That being said she certainly felt disgusted and very hurt by my actions.

The conversation was not just about the acts, but ended up that the fact that I had this addiction answers so many questions about some negative experiences and emotional and sexual issues we've had together, and the feeling of shame for all this was crushing. We are proud of our relationship and overall have a beautiful marriage, but have some struggles, including with regards to intimacy. The exposing of my addiction answered a lot of these questions and made me feel extremely guilty for the disgusting act I'm constantly drawn to, as well as all the hardships I've caused my wife through our marriage that can be related to it.

I was overtaken with this guilt and depression, and was extremely motivated to finally break free from this garbage. Through the years, I always swore to myself that I would put an end to it, by the time I finish high school and go to yeshiva, by the time I finish college, by the time I get married FOR SURE, by the time i have children FOR SURE FOR SURE, and here I am a few kids later and I'm walking in the same mud I've been in since I hit puberty. 

I took this as major motivation to change my life. It was bound to happen at some point, and as ashamed as I was, I was thankful to my wife for finally setting me on the path to make it happen. It's been at the forefront of my mind 24/7 since that conversation, and I committed to being a GYE success story, focus more on my Avodas Hashem, my learning, and being a better person.

Fast forward 9 days, and I am still very much in this, I just feel like that powerhouse of motivation is starting to fade a bit. Honestly, these few days have been pretty easy (even though I don't think i've gone this long in years) because I've been so turned off in this emotional state. I knew it would get harder a few days in, and I see that happening now. I have not yet had any major close calls or huge triggers, but the laser focused mindset is slipping. Also, my wife just went into niddah for the first time in months (due to nursing), which isn't going to make this any easier.

I apologize for the length, but this is basically the first time I'm really speaking up, so I wanted to get that off my chest. I would appreciate any thoughts of encouragement, advice, suggestions, or anything else. I appreciate and respect you all for being a part of this and honored to have joined you.

My GYE addiction has reared its ugly head.
Spent too long browsing the forum, now I won't have time to search for porn.
I guess trading one addiction for another is okay sometimes.

Thank you for such a well thought out post. I also meant in my questions if you feel like it's an addiction that is ruining your quality of life or if its just something you overdo. But you pretty much got it covered. 

 If you do think you might go cold turkey, now might be a good time to start. Because you mentioned that you are getting bored and everything seems to be the same. I have the same view sometimes but it changes. There are times you suddenly have more of an appreciation and desire but sometimes it lessens as you wrote. Now that you feel like that, its a good time to try to completely stop. Try to break it into small increments, for example aim for a day or a week or two or a certain amount of clean days a week,  but you don't have to don't overstrain yourself with aiming for complete control in the beginning. Hatzlacha! 

                                   Grant

Being that this is an addiction, do the members on her suggest and have had success by sex addiction therapists?