Markz wrote on 28 Dec 2020 02:24:

For now it seems like therapy is the winner. Well see where it goes from there.
Love the video by the way

NotGivingUp613 wrote on 28 Dec 2020 01:50:

Rock bottom usually helps swing states from comatose to start reboot with SA or therapy or similar. Which one did ye choose bro?

Lou wrote on 28 Dec 2020 00:42:

Amen thank you. No this wasn't planned. it was me sneaking around and taking the phone without permission and snooping around. obviously this is wrong on every single level, but when you're so deep into the pit, its very rare to get out. Now I've been hit with a huge slap in the face and hopefully the mark will last a long time reminding me never to do it again. 

NotGivingUp613 wrote on 28 Dec 2020 00:19:

Ouch! That hurts... Hashem should give you the strength to get through this and grow from the process. Wow! I can feel a tenth of your pain from fears of a similar situation that BH never materialized.
By the way, why in the world do they have inappropriate pictures of themselves on their phone?? If they do,why are they lending it out? Unless this was planned between the 2 of you? Whatever,it's not important.
Hatzlocha!!!!!

So i guess its time to say the full story. I believe its all part of the same root but what got me to open up was the fact that i got caught by someone. I took a relatives phone(Adult/Not blood related) and figured they would have inappropriate pictures of themselves.(i was right ) I guess this was my rock bottom. Honestly I'm happy i got caught because maybe now ill finally fix the problem. 
i told my wife about the porn problem which like i said earlier she took it extremely well. However i did not tell her the most recent thing that happened.(about week and a half ago)
The person who caught me texted me last night and we were going back and forth and finally decided to tell my wife everything. My wife did not take it well at all which was totally expected. Porn and fake people was one thing to handle but someone related who we see on a constant basis really hurt her. 
So ya thats the most recent developments. It was meant to come out sometime so i guess its better to rip off the band aid earlier then later. 
Thanks for listening and all the Chizuk. I will keep you all posted 

Hi. I am 26 years old. I have been struggling with inappropriate content since I was in ninth grade. My well meaning father ironically got me an iPod touch as a reward for learning over the summer. After hearing my friends speak about things they had seen, I ventured into the forbidden territory. I tried stopping so many times. I made promises. I put on codes. I eventually smashed the iPod. But the Scourge always found a way back into my life. This wasn't the only front I was fighting though. I had a very low self image growing up. I felt out of place.  My family was also semi-dysfunctional and I had a very difficult OTD brother. Then when I was in twelfth grade I started having obsessive thoughts about the craziest things. My self esteem plunged even lower. I was convinced that I was sick and totally beyond help. It was so frightening. I suffered alone until I got to Israel. I finally told a Rebbi what I was going through, and he referred me to a therapist. It took me about six months to even consider the possibility that I was normal, and another six months to get to a point that I was ready to move on to the next stage. I finally went home to start shidduchim. I was convinced that I would get married right away, put my past behind me, and start a beautiful new chapter in my life. After all I had been through, surely God was not going to let me suffer anymore. But my life started spiraling downward very quickly. Being home in a toxic environment brought me back exactly to where I was before therapy. The stress and anxiety of dating was also overwhelming. I went out with the first girl until she said no to me because of my family. I wasn't sure that I wanted to marry her, but I was heartbroken. My dreams of a happily ever after were broken. Then, at the advice of a relative, I moved out of my house. My parents were hurt, confused, and angry. I was filled with guilt. I felt homeless, and I became even more depressed and anxious. It came to a point that I couldn't bring myself to date anymore. I was bouncing around therapists, hoping that someone would fix me, but not believing that they could. I eventually found a therapist who managed to convey to me that the only way out is by accepting my situation, and taking responsibility for my own life. Slowly, I started getting control of my emotions. I began to realize who I am and what I'm capable of. I even started being happy with my life and not blaming God so much for my circumstances. I started dating again, which was a huge milestone. I still had never confronted my 'habit' head on though. I felt guilty about going out and also using the internet. I read some articles about internet usage, and I realized that my habit was really an addiction. I saw the negative effects it can have on a marriage. Studies also show that it's detrimental to mental health, by causing anxiety and depression. It's time to fix up my act. I want to be clean going into marriage. I want to feel good about myself when going on dates. I want to be the best me.