The Yetzer Hara is a big liar. He promises pleasure but as soon as its over there's nothing, only a void, which we again seek to fill. This leads to a downward spiral of pain which continues until it destroys a person's life. After all is lost and destroyed, the person has no choice but to BURY this addiction, and along with it, a part of themselves. As we saw in today's Chizuk e-mail "The Eulogy" of the cocaine addict. It is the same with this addiction.

You are young, don't wait till you get there. You are being shown the way now. Don't let the Yetzer hara fool you anymore. Starting and stopping is just his way of getting you to fall. He wants you to keep feeding the addiction. He is trying to trick you. He wants your soul, not the pleasure. A thousand times is never enough for him. Tell him you won't be fooled by his lies anymore.

We are here for you no matter what!

There are some things I want to discuss, for my own benefit as well as other's.

My first question is about Rabbi Twersky's definition of addiction. If I remember correctly, he said that anyone who does something against their better judgement, is addicted. Even if it's not very often. But I believe he also said that anyone that's addicted should go to a SA group. I know he doesn't mean that a bachur that is nichshal once in a while, should go. So there must be two kinds/stages
of addiction. If that is so what constitutes the worse one.

I think this site is amazing. This is exactly what the Jewish people have needed since the start of the internet. It is humbling and inspiring to see the amount of ahavat yisroel on this site!
I am a 22 year old single guy from South Africa. B’H in South Africa we have a thriving Jewish community famed for its achdut.
I have battled in the area of sexuality for years and years (I actually can’t remember not having this yatzer harah) I have always tried to fight this battle, however when I was 19 I really realized how low I had fallen and how low my self-esteem had become.
I decided that the only real solution was for me to go to Israel for a Year. “Surely in such a holy environment this test will melt away” I thought. However I was sadly mistaken.
I went to a wonderful yeshiva where I had a lot of close friends, but my issues came with me. My first 6 weeks in Israel was great but when sukkot bein hazmanin came it was over, I fell into a downward spiral. I was deeply depressed.  Eventually I plucked up the courage to speak to my Rav in yeshiva. He is a true tzudik and mench. He respected me for opening up and tried to help. However we were from completely different worlds so we could not really relate to each other. But he helped build my shattered self image.
I used to go to the kottel and cry To hashem from the depths of my soul to save me, only people who have been in similar situations know how painfull it is.

When I came back to South Africa it was bad, the problem is these days the internet is everywhere, including cell phones (yes South Africa has technology). I was going down a spiral. You have no idea how much I wanted to stop. I took my very expensive cell phone and threw it in the dustbin. But the internet was still unavoidable. I used to have bitter, bitter nights where I would cry my self to sleep. I installed a filter on my pc but it was useless, when I was in the grip of desire I would even reformat my pc to gain access. My sister (who has really been there for me) suggested that I see a very special rabbi who she thought would be able to help. It took me weeks to pluck up the courage to do this, it is a lot easier to open up to some one not in your community. His philosophy is like most other people on this site (12 steps based). He really helped my self-esteem by making me concentrate on my good traits. But the internet is unavoidable, the more fences I built, the more fences I would break.

I realized that it is up to me to fight this battle. I stumbled on the site www.sexualcontrol.com (which this site has mentioned) and it really spoke to me.

Everyone is unique therefore every one has to find there own method. For me the 12 steps just doesn’t work. I still have a very long way to go but I believe B’H I’m in the right direction. I have been in the process of forming my personal method for about a year. When a had a filter I used to mess up about once a week,  by formatting my pc taking my brothers cell phone when he was asleep etc. This year I have fallen into pornography about six times (only twice in the last six months). If I am browsing a web site and I see a link to a bad site I first listen to inspiring music, then I consciously think about what I want to do and why I want to do it and then a think about all the reasons why a shouldn’t do it, What I do next is hard to explain I connect to the very source of my conscousness, Hashem, And use my free-choice to actively choose not to act on the desire.

When I used to slip up I would tell my self that it wasn’t me and that I had a disease but that gave me a deep sense of guilt. Now when I slip up I admit that it was because I did not choose correctly, ironically this gives me a deep sense of relief.

I know I can over come pornography addiction, I do not intend to look for a wife until I am 99.9999999999% sure that it will never be an issue again, I don’t think it would be fair on my wife to get married knowing that I could slip up.

Even though the 12 steps doesn’t do it for me, I love this site! 
I will daven for all of us, whatever method we choose. At the end
Of the day we can do nothing without our loving father.
May we all unite with Hashem after our long and difficult journey!

Thanks for updating us. Please be strong! Take strength from the fact that this whole new feature is in your Zechus! And you have no idea how this will help people. For example, someone just signed up that NEVER had a clean streak before and he is starting TODAY. What does that mean? That means that this new feature, inspired him to make a new push for it! Take heart that we are doing this all together. You are no longer alone. We all feel your struggle and will help you pull through IY"H. Don't let the yetzer Hara fool you with false claims that you can "start" and not "finish". He wants you to keep feeding the addiction, whether you finish or not. And if you do that, the addiction will remain strong and will bring you to fall in the end. Take it one day at a time. Say to yourself "Just for today, I will stay clean". Tommorow is anyway not in your hands, why worry about it?

Remember, the yetzer Hara wants your soul, not the pleasure. Otherwise, why is a thousand times never enough for him. Remember this saying. "Once is too much. A thousand times is never enough".

Let Hashem fight this battle for you. Give over the addiction to him every day. Tell him you can't do it alone. I can see in your story that a spirit of Kedusha has entered you to give you the strength you need. Hashem has been waiting all this time, NOW IS THE TIME. Don't wait until you're married. It only gets harder.

Also, the more distance you put between you and the addiction, the easier it gets. See here for more on this.

For this to really work, we implore you to install a strong filter on your computer. See also the Homepage of www.guardureyes.com for an entire list of the tools and features on our site (I just updated the Homepage today). Make sure to use out the tools and features on our site to their fullest potential, they are all there for YOU.

May Hashem be with you!

wow. you guys are amazing. I just wanted to share that I have been relatively clean, bli ayin Horah, since rosh chodesh elul. I get chills just saying that. Thank You Hashem so much. The reason I say relatively is because on occassion it happens that the yetzer horah gets to me and something slightly is emitted without me even doing anything. For that I am far from proud. I must be shomer my einayim much better. But I am incredibly proud that I have not touched myself since r"chodesh elul.

I must say, my shalom bayis, including both emotional and physical continues to get much much better the longer I am nizhar in this area.

Singles: Just imagine, the more you are nizhar and careful now, the much more amazing your relationship, both emotional and PHYSICAL will be.

Small vort: We all know that frum jews are a tiny tiny portion of jews in general. Further, frum jews who are pro actively fighting this war are a very small portion of frum jews. Although Hashem loves every single Yid more than any love we could ever imagine, the more we strive to do Hashem's will, the more we open the channels to receive and appreciate His endless love. EACH OF US are not only loved endlessly by Hashem, but we are unclogging the pipeline through which we connect to Hashem's love. By Hashem, there is no such thing as time. THEREFORE: Every second that you fight this war (forget about the long term for a moment) is a second that Hashem's love flows through a sparkling clean pipe with no junk clogging its path, directly into our system. Perhaps thats why I have heard that at the very moment that one is nisgaber (wins) over his evil inclination, it is a very opportune time to ask hashem for anything you need from Him.

Sorry for the rambling but I feel like I can talk to you guys and I appreciate every single post from each of you.

I said it before, but I am addicted to this web sight. Any time I sit by a computer, this is the first place I run. Thanks.

Battleworn: I loved your mashel from the chernavitzer, thanks.

Chasdei Avos

Dear be holy and jw8,

I promise, you can indeed be very holy. There is so much help available here. Take the time to read through the threads on the forum.

Join all of us, in destroying the y'h and bringing Moshiach. Make the decision that from now on you are going to fight that despicable menuval, persistently, patiently and step by step. Make a kabala to never give up.

If you stick with the chevra over here, you will definitely succeed.

Hashem loves you infinitely, and He is waiting for you.

CHAZAK VEEMATZ!!!

Hashem will have mercy on all of us.  First we have to be a pure vessel to receive his guidance
and blessing.  Just as in Teshuva, we have to admit, regret and even for this moment say we don't want to do this ever again.

Giving our lives over to Hashem is the key.  This means accepting what happens to us and letting Hashem rule our lives instead of us trying to control the entire universe.

i know how you feel jew8. i am 28 married with a kid and feeling all of what you feel. please hashem have mercy!

i went to therapy 22 years ago.i had a genius of a therapist who was able to explain to me what my parents had done to me.this took 2 1/2 years.after this, i knew the work was still to be done - the therapy only served to enlighten me on what my life was all about - and enlighten it did! i then 'stumbled' across a group of people running an exercise class for jews (i wont elaborate here although guard knows what it is) where the people there were much like the people on this site - willing to help a fellow jew in need, like i was.i wasn't criticized, although i was one of the slowest progressors in the group.my self esteem and self-confidence were lowwww.they helped me build it up.this took me 20-25 years.my self-confidence is still not that great, but it's way more than it was before i started therapy.the porn was ALWAYS there, it 'helped' me feel happy, although temporarily.i would need a 'fix' every so often, just like a drug addiction.of course i knew it was wrong, but it was what i 'needed'. then for one short second, this site popped up in yeshivaworld.com, and i quickly copied down the url.that was about 2 1/2 months ago.i was lucky in my life to have 'chanced upon' the people who helped me, and when i found them, i didn't let go.there are so few people like guard, and the others here, that when i saw what was going on here, i knew that i had finally found the help i needed.i started out life very rough, with a traumatic childhood, a holocaust survivor father who was brutal to me, and a very tough young adulthood, but then, 'somehow', i met all the right people. you on this site have also met the right people, dont let them go, and join that phone group!!! you cant do it alone, it's too powerful a force! this man guard is standing at the top of the mountain pulling us all up - dont you see that?? but, who is pulling HIM up?? I think Hashem gave him special kochos that he has chosen to use for the greater good.but i think that rabbi twerski is HIS inspiration, and who is rabbi twerski's inspiration? years and years of proper mesora stretching all the way back to avrohom aveenu.just read rabbi twerski's books about living each day, etc, and you can see the wisdom of life that he has, and who also has chosen to use HIS special kochos for the good of klal yisroel.i wish all my friends out there hatzlacha raba from the depths of my heart. jack

Dating while thinking or beliving that you halfway healed will give you a good indication if you are a real addict or not...

BH I had a busy weekend and managed just fine without internet access for a few days (apart from checking my email a few times). After writing that post I put a random password into K9, and so far BH I haven't had desire to try and bypass it. We'll see how the rest of the week pans out - I'm pretty positive about it.

Does anyone have advice about where Shidduchim fits into my working on this addiction? I've kind of been on a break from Shidduchim for a couple months, primarily triggered by a particular experience over the summer, not directly related to this issue - though it was partially related to more general self-esteem problems which have much of their root in my p* problem. I feel almost ready to start again, but I'm not sure how 'cured' I need to be in order to be able to develop a healthy relationship, and be confident that I have the strength not to fall again. I certainly realise that marriage is not a 'solution' to the problem. The truth is I've never associated my p* binges with real love and relationships, and I don't generally transfer my addictive thoughts to real people (also cf. my original post about some more 'platonic' relationships I developed whilst I was younger), so I don't feel that it's had a deep impact on my ability to form emotional bonds and build a Bayis (nor in terms of unrealistic expectations, and misguided focus about the purpose of marriage). But perhaps that's true for most people? Again part of my uncertainty is that my hardest time of struggle is when I'm home during Bein haZmanim - and if I start Shidduchim again soon, I could very well be engaged by then, so I won't even have a chance to see how well I can control myself in more trying circumstances.
I also just noticed battleworn's comments about his battle prior to marriage - and then the fact that it resurfaced after marriage too (if I understood correctly), which leaves me quite nervous about jumping back into the world of Shidduchim. In one of those classic spiral circumstances though, starting Shidduchim again, and even getting engaged could boost my self-confidence as well as give me one more very important reason to succeed and prove myself.

onece an addict allways an addict...

Mabey you are not an addict or maby you just fool yourself that you are over with it. However, if you are a real addict and just try to combat it with your own willpower, while you do that your addiction is making push-ups and one day it will burst into flame so out of control you never imagined.

Again, maby you are not a real addict, but if you are one like myself the only option is working the twelve steps. There can be no continuous sobriety, healing in the marriage, and acceptance in life for addicts like myself without the twelve steps.

In the past I tried everything people on this site tried but kept on falling back. Today I Hashem is helping me one day at a time since Bais Iyur Tuf Shin Samech Vof...

Soooo. I have been clean since Sukkos thanks to this site (no porn, masturbation...). At the height of my addiction, unfortunately I would have zerah l’vatalah even in my sleep – didn’t bother me that much. However, last night it happened again.

3 things:

Firstly, now that I’m actually trying to stay clean for good, it’s depressing to know that I can’t really control myself at night. It is said that we dream about things related to what we see during the day but I can’t recall anything that I did yesterday that would have caused this to happen at night.

Secondly, as part of the “say all, try-to-keep-no-secrets” policy of this website, I was just wondering if I am the only one this happens to and if I’m not, am I the only one that feels depressed (no worries – I don’t think it’s the type of depression that has caused me to reenter my addiction in the past) about it?

Finally, there is someone who I told about my addiction and as part of “accountability,” we agreed that we would call once every 2 weeks and just have a quick code “is everything ok?” and I hopefully would be able to answer “yes.” The “yes” response would indicate that I have not looked at porn or masturbated. Now due to the fact that I am still not really comfortable discussing every aspect with this person, do you think that this night slip would now force me to have to say “no” (and then explain why) or can I still answer “yes?”

Once again, my deepest thanks to everyone, and may Hashem help us all.

What he means, is that someone who was once addicted may always be very sensitive to these things and be triggered very easily. However, we learn our triggers and avoid them, we learn the techniques and how to control it and it becomes 100 times easier. So it depends how you define "cured".

We should never look at it as a problem though. It's really a gift, because once we learn control, we have the opportunity to give Hashem our hearts each time we are triggered. We are able to grow with every time we exercise restraint. People who had this once can become greater tzaddikim than others who aren't triggered so easily.

Why do you say that sex addicts never get cured?