It is good that you have begun to work on the addiction before marriage, but I think that you should work on dating as well. Both learning control and getting married are important and necessary, but both may take a while... So work on both these things together, and they will compliment each other in the long term. Our Sages strongly encouraged getting married early so that one should be saved from sin.

For the addiction, you have come to the right place! To speed up the process of recovery, join the daily chizuk list at www.guardureyes.com and read through the hundreds of tips on our site. Post here on the forum and you will get lots of chizuk and group support. That's what we are all here for.

May Hashem be with you.

I'm a new baal tshuva. I've been addicted to porn since I was a kid. I've always wanted to stop looking at porn and masturbating, but I've never been able to stop for even a day, until I became committed to becoming a religious Jew. Now, I'm able to string together one or two weeks at a time until i fail. I think that's quite an accomplishment. But now with my internet filter password out of my hands, I'm committed to going even past that.

But onto the topic at hand...

Well, I'm single and still young (just graduated college). I'm starting to get bombarded with the idea that I should start dating. I'd like to start dating but I personally don't feel like I'm ready.  I feel like I shouldn't be dating or looking to get married before I've taken control of my desires. I've read and heard way too many stories about how this addiction has ruined marriages and caused much damage.

Do you guys think that I'm right to think this way?

I know this may sound crazy, but almost every day when I daven the Bracha of Refaenu, and I insert a list of names of people who need a refuah Shelaima, I add "The Chevra on Guardureyes.com who so desperately and sincerely want to rid themselves of the disease/addiction of internet porn and masturbation, amongst the other ill people in Klal Yisroel"

Chevrah, we need each others prayers just as much as we need each others chizzuk!

Chazak V'Ematz!

Jack, Breaking such a difficult habit is true Messiras Nefesh. You are feeling the taste of "death" itself. But I have good news for you. The "death" you feel, is the "death" of the Yetzer Hara. You are feeling HIS death throws. The only reason you feel it so strongly is because he has become so attached to you through the addiction. But every time you feel this taste of death, REJOICE! It is HE who is DYING, not you. While he dies a slow and painful death, you are begining to live! Zeh Hasatan Holech Lemisah Ve'atah Tikanes Lechayim Tovim Aruchim VeShalom!

this is jack.today i'm starting day #19 of straight no porn or mast. it is exceedingly difficult, and there isn't a day that i don't want to crack. i don't know how i'm going to manage this. on the positive side, i've gone 19 days straight. and i feel better, happier, more energy. why isn't this enough incentive? because i have a long-term habit i'm trying to overcome. and i dont want to go back to that vicious cycle.that stuff was so pleasing, but so bad for me. in just a few days, i'd need it again. this is what's called an addiction.that cycle is no good for me - but i'm still going crazy. jack.

Except for the fact that you spelled ACCEPT EXCEPT, you're write on.  I mean right on.

Except: Accept the fact that you have an addiction - a disease of connection to intimacy.

One thing which is vitally important, and I hope others will bear me out on this, is the
need to share and talk to others, not only on this forum.  Talk about how you feel,
and give others hope and strength. It's important to talk to Hashem and "Let Go and Let G-d. 
It's also important to be a member of a group and start to make new friends who you feel
comfortable with, sharing. 

As addicts we isolate ourselves, thinking no one would like us anyway, IF THEY ONLY KNEW.
But in actuality, our addiction is a blessing in that we're striving to perfect ourselves and our
midos, while others swim in the pool of indifference.

  Hi everyone,
I've been thinking that the website is really loaded with great advice, but it would probably be helpful to some people (especially young people) to lay down the basic steps. So I'll try to start and I welcome your comments.
1) Accept the situation as G-D given regardless of how you got there. Don't feel bitter or frustrated. This disgusting filth that you find yourself in, is the fertile soil that the real "you" needs to grow from.
2) Accept that there is no quickfix hocus-pocus solution.
3) Take responsibility to deal with it in any and every way necessary.
4) Establish that you will not give up no matter how many times you chas vesholom fall.
5) Daven to Hashem to at least once a day to help you succeed
6) Stay away from bad places and from unrestricted internet as much as possible. Also keep busy.
(Now it starts getting more complicated.)
7) Figure out if the addiction is just a vicious cycle that feeds on itself (this can be the case even if it was originally started by something else) or is there a different source of anxiety, depression or whatever that is feeding it. If you can't figure it out by yourself, get help fast.
8) In the event that there is an outside cause, you need to know if it's just lack of fulfillment (or something similar) witch you can tackle by yourself or is it something deeper that you will need therapy for.
9) Make sure that any therapist that you go to appreciates the gravity of the sin (it's not necessarily enough that he/she is "frum").
10) In any and every case the main thing is to brake the cycle and not to give up.
11) Allways beware that the vulgar, despicable, monstrous menuval will try every trick imaginable (and unimaginable).
12) If at all possible, add time and energy to davening and torah learning. Often it can make the whole difference.
13) Make maximum use of this absolutely fantastic forum as well as the website, and subscibe to the email list.

Anyone who has anything to say about the accuracy, clarity or necessity of the above or if you have something to add, please comment.

There are therapists who recommend 90 days abstinence totally, even with your wife.  Not frum therapists.  This is more for people who have "lust" issues and want to be with their wives because they can't control lust, not because they want the kedushah of intimacy with their wives. 

A qualifed sex addiction therapist should make such a decision.  The 90 days of sobriety you are referring to here can still be achieved, even if you're with your wife, depending on your intentions and frame of mind.  The reason I know this is because the therapist who recommended the 90 days on the call is MY therapist and I asked her the exact same question.

We're working to get to a point where intimacy is a mutual respect and loving activity we do to get and stay closer to our wives. For me, once I was sober for 2 1/2 years, my relationship with my wife improved dramatically because she felt (and still does) safer, knowing I was not manipulating her for sex.

jack your great .thank you for telling your story. i'm going to try for 90 days also now .iv'e been with this addiction for 22 yrs and i've never gone more than a few weeks, tops a month.90 days !together with the forum is the only chance i've got to do it .i'll write my progress down with you and we can doit together H' help us both . 90 days and new neurons !what a fantastic thought. 

Jack, I heard you on the phone last week, and I must say that I heard the sincerity in your voice, and I know that you have what it takes to kick this addiction once and for all.

We are all here to support you as you climb the ladder to purity.

Although I agree with you that the Shulchan Aruch alone cannot get a person to stop, and he/she must seek the help of others, please do not for a second think that the Shulchan Aruch (and any other Mussar and Torah) is totally unnecessary! Chas V'Shalom to think that!

The only way a frum Jew can rid himself of his Yetzer Hara ( as an addiction or otherwise) is through  Torah sanctioned methods!

Yes, therapy is important. Yes, support groups are important. yes, forums like these are important. BUT, only if used in conjunction with learning and obeying the Torah!

Don't forget that for even a second!

Chazak V'Ematz!!

Jack you're doing great!
You are going to be one great example to us all that it's never too late to change.
And that no matter how addicted one might be, if Jack can do it - we all can!

I added your story to our site here.

this is my 1st time posting, but i've been in contact with eyeguard and elya k already. so, here goes...

when i was 11, i had my first orgasmic experience. i am now 49. since that time, i've been unable to stop with that activity. the pleasure involved was so intense, that i was hooked. i did it every chance i could get. there were no other people involved, just myself. my friend and neighbor had all this stuff- movies, books, etc. i was not brought up in a religious home, and even my father had stuff. when i became 18, i attended the x-rated movies. for the past 38 years, i've been unable to stop. somewhere around when i was 18, i became religious - but i couldn't give this up - it had become an addiction.2 weeks ago, i was looking at theyeshivaworld.com & found the popup for this site. i went in and found the most unbelievable thing i've ever seen - religious Jews talking about their sexual addiction. i couldn't believ my eyes. i wrote to eyes.guard & he wrote to me to post my story. i didn't want to at first, but i agreed to finally post it. i called the phone line last week, and spoke to elya k. i have since called him privately. if anyone thinks they can kick this addiction by just reading the shulchan oruch, you are mistaken. it is too powerful an addiction. you need support from caring people, who will not judge or criticize. you need people who understand your situation and are willing to help. these are the people i found on guardyreyes.com. if you are reading this, chances are you have a sexual addiction. if you do, you must heal! it is very important to get rid of this addiction, forgetting about halacha for a second. addictions are harmful, which may very well be the reason why halacha does indeed forbid it. halacha is for our protection - it is out for our good. but we wont listen to halacha if we have an addiction. i am amazed at what lengths the people go. more later jack.

i dont have internet at home, so i do this from the library and i only have half an hour at a time. and i wouldn't write this from work, where they might monitor what i write. so last week i was on the phone conference and the counselor on the line said that if someone goes for 90 days without a slip - this creates new nuerons (right word?) in the brain. so, i believe her, and i'm shooting for the 90 day period of abstention. i am on the 8th day without a slip. i talk to elya k, who is a lifesaver, without him, i couldn't do it - it is much too difficult. if i know that i am going to speak to him that night when i get a chance, i can wait, and i put off my acting out. if he wasn't there, i would not be able to hold it in. thanks elya k, and thanks eyeguard for starting this. caring for fellow Jews is what we're all about - and these people take this obligation very seriously. imagine saying al chayt shechatanu lifanecha bevidas znus, and knowing full well in your heart that you're not going to stop, not because you don't want to, because we all want to do the right thing. the reason we can't stop is because it's an addiction. and the only way to stop is by knowing there are people that care. and so far, this has been what has kept me for 8 days, after 38 straight years of succumbing to temptation. i am shooting for 90 - maybe she's right.

Dear anon,

You are smart and brave for facing these issues early in life. Waiting until you are married and a father will only exaggerate the problem and cause untold anguish to you and your future family.

About the computer, I can tell you with almost certainly that there is no way you will successfully break free of the addiction to porn without either getting the computer out of your room and / or installing a fool-proof filter, preferably server based and whitelist. For more on filters and understanding the terms, please see our filter section here. A person can't have a prostitute in their closed up room and hope not to sin, even a Tzaddik, all the more so someone who has been addicted to this for a while. If you are serious about change, which you should be now while you are still a Bocher (and before it affects others as well), you must must get a very strong filter and get that computer out of the room if possible.

Again, I commend you for facing down your problems. If only others would be willing to face them while they are still young, our world would be a much happier and better place!

Part of this addiction for me is seeing women as objects instead of just human beings.  I have a friend and I was speaking to his wife at Kiddush one Shabbos.  She kept commenting to me that I looked unhappy and sad all the time.  This was when I was deeply depressed months ago.  Finally I got honest with her and told her that I was actually suffering from depression.  Know what she said?  She said, ?t's so refreshing to hear someone say something honest for a change and to take the risk of admitting that we all have problems."

I thought that was really nice and it made me feel better. I am in a therapy group with several women and I get to hear their fears about their husbands who act out.  They are the wives of the addicts. This is actually a blessing for me because hearing their stories I know what my wife is going through and it helps me during the rough times. Many wives actually become sexually anorexic and go to the opposite extreme with their husbands.  This causes a lot of friction and they both end up in therapy.

The bottom line for me is to set boundaries for myself.  I look for 3 seconds and that's it. I don't go down certain streets I know are past triggers for me.  My computer is blocked - my wife has the password. When I go to yoga to calm down and learn how to be present (which is a very effective technique) I take off my glasses and concentrate on my practice, not the women.  This is triggering for some people and they cannot do it, but for me, at this moment in my life, it's OK.  We each have to know where our triggers are and form boundaries around those triggers.

Kind of like the fences in the Torah, wouldn't you say?

A

Nice guy, if we're meeting 9 p.m. in the states, that would be 4 am WEDNESDAY morning in the UK.  Right?

I will tell you from 8 years of experience in Goyish 12 step groups that I discuss more about G-d and fixing my character traits with these people than any of my friends.  Everyone in my circles is so focused on Halacha but no one really talks about do we really give our lives and trust over to Hashem in our everyday life or not?

Yes, we go through the motions.  Put on our tefillin, daven three times a day, but with how much Kavanah?
Most shuls I've been to are rushing to finish in 30 minutes, or on Shabbos go to the early minyan, so they won't Chas V'sholom have to listen to a Rav speak about bettering yourself!  Then we wonder why we have no spirituality in our lives.  Not you, nice guy, me and the whole world.  Just venting a little here. 

See I'm already getting resentful.  That's not a good place for me.


Rabbi Twersky says you should still go to 12 step meetings. It's just your addiction who is warning you not to go.  If you're even discussing it with your wife, that's a wonderful thing and you will get better because of her support.  I will also tell you that while sometimes women in the group can be triggering, you also learn how the other side feels.  We cannot completely shut ourselves off from the outside world.  You are going to see
other women sometimes during the rest of your life.  Sobriety will teach you how to look for 3 seconds, turn your eyes away, accept it and move on.

In any event, we're happy to have you on the calls.  Please send me an email to yidvre@gmail, so I can email you the materials you need for the meeting.