It is brought down in the sefer, menucha v'kedusha, written by a talmid of R' Chaim Volozhin, that a person who sins his whole life can still be considered a zaddik, as long as he never gives up and always continues to fight.  When I read that I was blown away.  We like to think of success in terms of results.  But we know Hashem looks at our efforts.  

I have mentioned in other posts of mine, that I am 31 and have had exposure to porn since 10, and began masturbation at age 12.  It was at age 16 that I woke up and realized this is terrible.  But the more I tried to break loose, the addiction only got worse.  I now find myself battling this problem for 15 years.  It was a year ago, right after pesach that I made a six month streak and then failed.  Here I am 3 months later, after that initial fall getting back up.  I definitely have had my spells of depression.  But I do feel good about the fact that I never gave up.  I tried to always be optimistic.  I picked myself up and started over again.  I think in the past 15 years, the amount of times that I cried, performed teshuva, told Hashem I will never do this again, is too much for me to count.  I do not think more than 3 weeks would ever go by without me feeling I am not doing this anymore.  Many times, I would do teshuva three times in one week.  I would be totally convinced that I am finished for life and go right back to my addiction.  And every time I started over again, I felt I am finished and confident I can win.  So just remember that as long as you are fighting, you are doing fine.  Never, let any incident, no matter how bad it has gotten, get you down.  As Rabbi Reisman said (what a wonderful shiur), guilt is good as long as it builds you.  

Regarding your comment about looking into the causes of the addiction, I very much relate to that.  I have always felt that that is very important to solving the addiction.  This is something I began doing on my own.  I look into both the causes from my childhood and the triggers in my current years.  I was wondering what others on this forum think about that.  Is it important to look into the causes or deal with the behavior itself.  I know different methods of psychology revolve around this question.  What do you guys think of this?  

Announcing a New Hotline in Israel

Rabbi Ya'ir Shochet  (English and Hebrew Speaker)
Author of the book "The First Day Of The Rest Of My Life"
052-6923065 Monday and Wed from 9-10 PM
All other times, please leave a message and he'll get back to you
E-Mail: hayomharishon@gmail.com

Rabbi Ya'ir Shochet has been working with sexual addiction in the frum community for many years and is trained in the 12-Steps
He also helps couples deal with situations where one of the partners is addicted.

Announcement About U.S Hotline

Elya K had some trouble with the hotline phone recently. The phone company is coming out today to fix it so it should be working by tomorrow (Erev Shabbos Parshas Yisro). We're sorry it's been down and it should be back up very soon.


For more info on both Hotlines, see this page.

phillip- remember the addiction is only an illusion. once it is over we are back to the beginning. i promise you this will pass, and the real enjoyment comes from saying no. mastering the temtation is more enjoyable then the action itself. we are with you.

I am glad to say that I have reached the 5 week mark.

It certainly has not been easy, but things do seem to be getting easier.  I do not feel as on-edge as I had during the first 3 or so weeks.

As I understand things, the secret to achieving long-term sobriety is to replacing the negative coping mechanisms and habits with positive ones.  In order to be be a sur ma'rah one has to be an asay tov.

In 12 step programs, great attention is given to building character and becoming more connected to a higher power (I have never done the 12 steps, but so have I heard).  This strategy does make a lot of sense and I have seen instances in-which P addicts after relatively long periods of sobriety wake up one day and say so now what?  This reality, in my opinion, is why the 12 steps are so important and critical their adherents.

So how does one go about replacing bad habits and patterns, the foundations of what lead us to P in the first place, and replace them with new and healthier ones?

The answer to me seems glaringly obvious, yet much harder to implement.

barasi yetzer hora, u'barisi Torah tavlin ... Hashem is telling us ... I created the yetzer hora and I have created the Torah as the only remedy.

Up until this point I have taken the external steps (filter/monitor/jnet/accountability) that were absolutely critical to getting me to where I am today.

It is now time to focus inward and look for ways to strengthen myself in Torah and yiras shomayim.

im ain ani li me li ... im lo achshav eimasai

Hashem, please grant me the strength to turn these meager 5 weeks of sobriety into a lifelong process of growth.

Hashem, please help all those on this board and all yidden that are struggling to merit a teshuvah shelema.

Today is 12 weeks!! 3 months! I had a wet dream last night, but I don't let it bother me at all. I think the further I go from this addiction the more infrequent they will become. The sexual urge is still strong, but the urge to masturbate has all but vanished. I feel so much more free! :D
One week left to 90 days...

battle log day 84-week 12- i can't believe it! we have a little time left before moshiach, and the end of shovavim. it's raining a "yam" of help for everyone reading this and thinks that they can't get out,or break free. i am having a hard time with life in general- learning and now i see how many things there are for me to work on, it is pretty scary.
  but i am not here to complain i accept my mission with love- the mission of finding out who the real me is. i was speaking to one of the better guys in yeshiva yesterday and for the few times i can remember i felt like i could just be real with him and not hide behind anything, the result? i landed him as a chavrusa for part of the day! that evening out of the blue someone else asked me to learn with him just for a few minutes-how often has that happened to me?! and finally my communication and marriage has gotten sooo much better. i thought all of this would never be possible.
  i was thinking depressing thoughts the other day saying "i really don't feel special anymore and what have i achieved"? then i thought back to my patterns from before hashem directed me to gue and anynmous, and guard. then i started remembering that i never thought i would break free and would die with my rotten midos. i tell you it is not true. anyone can break free with the help on this sight. i was molested as a child ,started watching porn from age 7, and has had erotic thoughts that controlled me everyday of my life since then- all i can say now is that "i feel like I've been cheated, lied to, and robbed." all my energy has been spent for 15 years on fantasy and hot air. i am far from reaching my goals but i actually feel like i am not completely being controlled by my addiction and am not as inferior to others as i thought i was. these were sobering thoughts on my hard day.
people we can take control- we have messed up but every day hashem waits for our teshuva- not yesterdays teshuva or tomorrows teshuva but todays!! don't give up- we can make it if we all stick together. may we all be bless with the spiritual rain that penetrates and cleanses our most soiled clothes.
 

Alcohol is a substance addiction.  Sex is a process addiction. Different.
When you have relations with your wife and you mutually want
to be closer, it becomes an emotionally spiritual experience.

When you just have relations because you've been triggered that day
and want sex, then you're not exactly in a spiritual place and yes, it
can just lead to wanting more.

A wife saves her husband from sin because during the day he knows
that he has "pas b'salo" (bread in his basket).  A nice clean way of saying
his wife is available to him so he can hold off on sinning until he gets home.

If you plan with your wife to have a "date" or its the night she goes to the
mikvah, it builds up the anticipation of being together.  When you do this and
only have your wife in mind, not someone you saw in a movie, you begin to
get closer to your wife and stop seeing her as an "object", but truly a partner
in your relationship.  You begin to see sex as a by product of a mutual respect
and admiration that you can take it or leave it.  It does not consume your entire
life.

Through the recovery process, I have turned the tide from being manipulative
to my wife to the point now, where she asks me more than I ask her. That's
progress and that's the power of this program.

me, marriage does not save you from this addiction.  Just ask anyone who thought
that it would and couldn't control it.  Find some other hobbies or things you are interested
in and do do that. Learn, take up a new area of study you're interested in,  help other people, volunteer and you'll see you'll be happier, fulfilled and won't have a need to medicate yourself. 

Learn how to live in the moment, not worrying about what's going to happen when you get
married.  Or why you're not married yet or anything from your past.  Explore what makes
you, me, special.  Make a list and read it every day.  Set small goals and achieve them.
This will build your self confidence and You can achieve whatever you want in life.

I am ashamed to admit that yesterday,on TuvBshvat  I had a bad day.I semi acted out,but enough to start over again today.For the time being I will stay with this site ,my Dr, and the 12 steps.However I am seriously looking into an alternative  approach.The is a some what new thought pr approach to addictions that has me very curious.The whole approach is that rather than say the addiction is an illness that we have for life,go directly to the cause and cure that.I will post more info as I get it.My Rebbe is looking into it for me before  I make a move.One of the main reasons for me wanting this new approach is that every time I leave my Dr I feel like a wounded soul that will never get completely cured.I hate teh whole idea of always being"SICK or ILL".I want to get to the very bottom the real cause of why I act out. I will keep you posted.

Day five and I feel great!

Shomer,
Thank you so much.  I love hearing every ounce of encouraging words.  Regarding your advice for accountability, something really amazing happened last night.  But before I tell you what happened, I need to give you and everyone reading this a bit of interesting history.  Like my title puts it, I have been battling this problem for 15+ years, since the age of 16.  I have had this problem since 10.  I got married at age 21, and therefore have been marred for 10 years now.  Now three years into our marriage, my wife caught me.  It was a challenging time in our marriage.  I do not need to go into the details of how she caught as it is not necessary.  What am I to say?  So I admitted that as a youth I had this problem, but that I overcame it, and this is very short lived recent relapse (that was obviously not true. My addiction followed me through every aspect of my life ).  I explained to her that it was not about her but about me and a problem that I have.  Now this was before that the concept of porn addiction was a known issue and it was very difficult for her to understand this.  We went to a therapist who helped her  understand and helped us through this time.  B"H, our marriage was saved.  What we did not do with the therapist was help ME.  So after that whole event she made me promise to never do that again and said that if I ever get an urge I should talk to her about it.  Well I did.  The truth is that I was so shaken by the event that for six weeks I had absolutely no urges.  Until one terrible sunday morning, she was out of the house and it started all over again.  I was too ashamed to go back to her and admit that it was back (I should have), and the problem continued to grow again.  Every once in a while she became suspicious (and rightfully so) and actually confronted me with it but each time I brushed it away.  The good thing about all that was that now I felt comfortable speaking about this isue with her.  However, when I would explain my 'past', I was really explaining my 'present'. This was a therapeutic way for me to discuss my emotions.  What I was describing as my emotions from 15 years ago was actually my emotions from last night.  The other good thing was that she was able to help encourage me on some of my fences.  Like, no going to any mall.  It is known that in these places there is lots of pritzus.  And we agreed together that I do not belong there.  This made it very easy for me.

Now for last night.  In a crazy event of siyata d'shmaya, my filter broke down yesterday and instead of giving me free access to the internet, I was completely blocked.  It was very frustrating because I had lots of work to do.  I used my wife's computer to do some stuff (like post here) but without my computer I was crippled.  So my wife said that maybe we need a new filter.  So I told her the problem with the other filters is that you can turn them off with a password, and the one that I have it is impossible to access porn sites.  I then continued, but maybe YOU want to take the password and not tell me. She found that funny, but I said this could be very serious.  I then went on to tell her about the concept of accountability  and asked her if she can me my official partner.  Realizing the potential danger for me with a computer she figured why not.  Now, I think that this help me doubly.  Knowing that my own wife can be looking over me, and the one that can assist me into total recovery is special indeed.  Now had she not know about this problem that I have, she would probably be a bit wierded out about this.  But because she knows that I fell once, she now understands the potential problem

Now, I just have to get the proper software.  I will look into the various options that you mentioned and others and figure what will work best for me. 

-ykv

guardureyes wrote on 29 Jan 2009 19:59:


ok, ok, but don't expect me to come for more... I won't become the tolner overnight...

battle log day 81- never though i could get so far. wife out of town, not being able to be together. i thought i was doomed to fail. b"h- she is coming back tonight. i could never have gotten to this point with-out everyones chizzuk. i was thinking in bed last night that; a little while ago i thought i would die with this secret that i was addicted to women and all that stuff and came to terms with that.(as painful as it was) i thought i would always be living in a shell. i am here to say- you can do it!! don't let the y"h win. it is shovavim and extra help is here for us. let us all get our battle gear one last time. if i could get to 81 anyone can, believe me!! anym- how u been? battleworn- how are things? any everyone else , let us get through this together.

jw8,

So much of your story reminds me of my own and i am sure many others on this site.  Except I am about ten years older than you.  I am married with four kids and going on five.  I too grew up in a modern orthodox environment, where porn and masturbation was commonplace and common speak.  My first exposure to porn was at age 10.  My first masturbation was age 12.  Porn got real intense in H.S.  It was in H.S., at age 16 that I first began fighting this Y"H.  I started becoming more serious in my learning and religious life.  But as much as I fought this Y"H, I could not get rid of it.  I tried for two years until I went to a post H.S. Yeshiva.  When I went to the post high school yeshiva, i too went cold turkey.  But not as long as you.  During Adar, I broke it by visiting a porn shop in Israel and...  I harbor such resentment to my youth for bringing this on me.  I have gone through major ups and downs, including contemplating suicide for more than five years.  However, over the years, I have learned to not get so down and pick myself up and move on.  I never let go of my "charata" but did not let it get me too depressed.  The more you stick to this site and listen to the wise advice of all the people here, I am sure you will get off it.
Also, please give us an update

-ykv

Dear Yiddishe Neshama,

Thank you for posting your inspiring story and tips. Welcome home. This is the first time a frum Yid has where to turn to in these areas. So many people in even worse situations than you, have broken free.

The fact that you were able to stay clean for so long is very important for two reasons. 1) It shows you have great strengths and Kedusha in you, only now it's been covered up and needs to be revealed once again. 2) You will NEVER be able to live with yourself comfertably again once you have seen that you CAN be free.

There are two prerequisites to being helped.
1) You must truly believe you can be helped (reading the recovery stories on our site can help you with this)
2) you must truly want to be helped (your own suffering and distance from G-d, along with reading the stories of people suffering from the other 3 stages can help you with this).
The fact that you are seeking help means you already mainly have these two conditions - but they must be strong and finely tuned., Take heart. Haba Le'taher, Mesayin Lo. Be ready to give your addiction and disease over to the care of G-d. Be ready to trust G-d that he will care for you, as you heal.

The first few weeks of sobriety are the hardest. Once you have put some distance between yourself and the addiction, it gets a lot easier. See here for more on this.

For someone starting out on their journey, I highly suggest the following steps:

1) It's too hard to have all the garbage within a mouse-click's reach. Install a good reliable internet filter that you can't get around. Let someone you trust hold the password. If you must have open internet access for your work, at least install "Accountability Software". When you know that someone you respect will see every site you visited, it will help you control the urge to stray. See our Filter Section for tons of info and for over 20 filter options.

2) Join the daily Chizuk e-mail list. Like drops of water on Rabbi Akiva's rock, over time, the e-mails can make a serious impression.

3) Read one or two of the tips on the website every day and try to implement them if possible. (Don't read too many at once; bite too much and you won't be able to swallow anything).

4) Join the weekly phone group. Group support is very important, and this hotline is the first time that religious people can get the benefit of group support and trained therapists in an anonymous way! We will be starting a hot-line in Israel as well very soon IY"H.

5) Keep posting on this forum. You will get tons of great support, advice and chizuk. Also, being honest with those who you will quickly come to consider your "family", will be a great incentive to stay clean and not let them down :-)

Rav Hutner wrote to a Talmid once that it's the dynamic struggle with the Yetzer Hara that makes a person truly great, not basking in the constant presence of the Yetzer Tov. That's what it means "Sheva Yipol Tzadik Ve'kam". Hashem had much Nachas Ruach from your spiritual successes once, but he wanted you to take it to the next level and therefore gave you these pitfalls, even though he knew you would fall. What makes a person great is his ability to get back up, despite all his falls. And I strongly believe, along with everyone here, that with some determination you will come out of this with a much closer Kesher to Hashem than you had, even back then when you were doing great.

There's a recent study that showed that it takes 90 days to develop new mental patterns in the way the mind has come to think in addictive behaviors. Post a log of your journey to 90 days on the "Wall of honor" section of our forum. You will get tons of Chizuk from fellow strugglers, and you will also get stronger by strengthening others.

And never stop davening. This is what Hashem has been waiting for all these years since you started to slip. He was waiting for you to finally admit defeat and ask for help. He was waiting for you to come here, to our site and forum. We are all here for you. Hashem is at your side.

MD, you used the words "roller-coaster" to describe the last few days... A "roller-Coaster" is a great example, and for everyone - a "roller-coaster" is a good exercise in breaking this addiction. We often want to pleasure ourselves to feel we are in control of our lives, and we don't let ourselves break free until we are finally willing to "Let go and Let G-d". On a roller-coaster, your life is not in your hands. You must totally trust those who built it with your life, and as you are hanging between heaven and earth about to fall straight down, you need to just "let go and trust". This is a very good exercise for anyone who has trouble "letting go and letting G-d".

And what you did recently, MD, is just like a roller coaster in this sense. You knew you were jumping off a cliff, but you trusted Hashem to catch you. And I am sure he did/will.

Dear Phillip, the high you feel before falling is a typical symptom of the addiction. This is well known, and that is why there are withdrawal symtoms at first when you don't give in. The typical symptoms are a rush of adrenalin, sweaty or clammy palms, a quickened heart-beat and a lack of "clear thinking". This is what happens in an addiction, and when you feel any of these symptoms, smile to yourself and say I recognize this, it is the symtom of my disease. And tell yourself: I have it in my power to cure myself. It is all in the mind.

If this doesn't work, do like Jack once said (Chizuk e-mail #390):

Get a sponsor who you can call anytime and call him when you feel the urge coming on. Put your head between your knees and brace yourself. Bite into a sponge, go into a room where no one will hear you and scream your head off. Hit your bed with a tennis racket. Take a hammer and bang nails into some wood. I assure you, the urge will pass.

Even better, meditate. Slow down your thinking, concentrate on your breath. The urge will pass.

But yes, it will be back.

Do one, or all, of these things every time you have the urge. I am extremely serious. Call up your sponsor, first tell him you don't hate him, and then scream at him! You have to get rid of the urge somehow in a permissible manner. I used to get rid of it by masturbating, then I found the forum, and with it, I found a dedicated sponsor, Elya K. I wonder if his ear still works after all the things I've said to him...

Seriously, try these things.