Your message is heartrending, but as I am an addict in recovery in this area none of this phases me. When I got married, everything got worse, especially my addiction. Hey, they said it'd get easier. No they didn't. That is not what chazal say at all. It says our wives help save us from getting into cheit, not that they save us from the cheit we bring with us. That is ascribing godlike power to women, in my opinion. Actually, this made sense to me earlier, as I ascribed godlike power to them in my lust! Why be suprised catching myself doing the same in early recovery (just for the good side)?
I hope you aren't insulted, for I say the same to myself.
How many times have you masturbated? Enough that Naaseh lo keheter? Of course. Then how can you apply the normal rules to stop and "do teshuvah"? You are being much too hard on yourself here, as you clearly have some degree of a disease. I do, and many like me have had years of freedom from the tyranny of lust in our lives one day at a time being open about exactly what or taavos are, what we do, and want to do, with safe people. I use SA. (see Tzetel Koton for the friend idea)
This may be an illness and you then are a sick man, not bad. Not to say it's not a cheit, but the route of getting help must be different than for a "normal" person.
See part of my story on Breaking free, for my background, if you like. My tefilos are with you every day, as we are brothers. You are a great guy trying to be a good yid and serve Hashem, but we are all a bit broken. The truth is great. Now there  is recovery.

I would say that it is practically impossible to hide the addiction, and the ONLY way to "maintain it" is to overcome it.

This is why we are here. We were never successful in hiding this addiction. It will always flare up.

I would compare the 'hiding" of this addiction to one who has a gun. The gun is loaded, the hammer is pulled back, and the person's finger is on the trigger. It only takes one second and that finger squeezes the trigger. We all not what that means. We hear an explosion, and this explosion is something that was always festering, and "going to happen", eventually.

Now, someone who is going to "overcome" the addiction is involved in a process.

First: They remove their finger from the loaded gun.
Second: They release the hammer.
Third: They unload the gun
Fourth: They throw away the gun.

I need to explain my post from yesterday.

what i was trying to bring out is that there is a 2 step preocess azivas hachet and kaballa al ha-asid.PERIOD.

I am not trying to belittle the fact that many peolpe have deep psycologocical problems and need to seek professional help.
Either they always had problems and the problems triggerd or got worse with the addiction. OR the addictive behavior on its own created poblems.( I am not a professional,obiously)

What I would like to say is that if you can BREAK FREE then there is no reason to look back why and how you got there.Part of the reason you are looking back is something inside (Y"H) that says dont give this up all the way.

I know that there are different minhagim in every circle of klal yisroel ,by chasidim they say the AL_CHET of YOM KIPPUR very quickly.For this very reason .

WITH HUMILITY AND GRADITUDE TO EVERYONE HERE I AM GOING 43 DAYS STRONG.43 is gematria GAM my tefilla is TINATEN LI GAM MACHAR that I should continue on this path .I couldnot do it without all the chizuk I am getting here.

I would also like to know if any one agrees wiyh me that it takes more time talent creativity to maintain and hide the addiction than to overcome it?
Let me know

everyone should have a wonderful Heilige Shabbos

humbled and happy
bardichev

I've passed the 23 week mark! I remember when I first posted here, and Guard put up the Wall of Honor right then after reading my story. I didn't know how I would do it, but I knew I couldn't let him down. It's been almost half a year, and it's indescribably great to not have to worry about what disgusting porn I'm going to watch in order to feed the addiction, or how I'm going to masturbate when I don't have access to porn. For those of you who still don't think you can do it: IT'S NOT TRUE!!! Get started today, and never give up no matter how many times you slip up. Never allow yourself to believe that you're hopeless and may as well give up. It's all the YH feeding you lies. That's how this addiction works. Lies, lies, and more lies. Ignore them, and you can beat this. :D

B"H I am trying to hold on> Thank you for all the encouragement. I will try to keep on posting Be"H.I know that I am still in my process of TESHUVAH and I hope to always be in the process.

I can really identify with so many of our HEILIGE brothers (AND SISTERS) that are new to the forum and there are probably many more that are either too shy or too scared to take the first step.

HERE GOES: (if anyone disagrees please add your perspective my views are not halacha limoshe misinay)

Step 1
AZIVAS HACHET. You must BREAK FREE. If you found this forum OBVIOUSLY you are looking for help (IF YOU ARE HERE JUST TO READ YENEMS TZOORIS PLEASE GET LOST .ON THIS SITE YOU FIND ONLY HONEST PEOPLE THAT ARE BEARNG THEIR HEART AND SOUL IN AWAY THEY CAN’T ANY WHERE ELSE .THIS IS NOT ENTERTAINMENT)
It really is difficult to break free because that is your ABOUT FACE from the evil Y”H.
There are many tips on breaking free on this site .Remember you came here to get help.
Obviously you are looking for something that makes you FEEL better than your addiction.

Of course you will feel a lot of pain of course you will feel the temptation to sneak a peek or just check out to see if you still have aY”H.Yes you still have aY”H don’t tease it just ignore him. Use all your creativity to avoid your Y”H.

Step 2
KABALLA AL HA-ASID accept a new path
Notice I skipped charata and viddiy (I am sure some people will argue with me. This is not a shiur in hilchos TESHUVA this is a thought in hilchos PIKUACH NEFESH).
YOU MUST DO THINGS IN A PRO-ACTIVE WAY. Find ways how to change your bad habits remember you are fighting an ADDICTION you are fighting a way of life that you with great skill and creativity hid from the world from your closest friends and family. You are fighting the strongest force in the world the EVIL MENUVAL THE Y”H.
Tell him that you are shoving him out of the driver’s seat and now you are IN CONTROL.
  TRY TRY TRY to remain focused on how good you are doing. Good I am clean for an hour BETTER 2 hours a day 2 days a FULL WEEK WOW!!! 
DON’T LOOK BACK don’t try to figure out how I ended up in this addiction why is there a milchemes hayetzer. Not now just run for your life
Do things that will give you joy. If you are married, put all your energy back into your family. You will see how good it feels. Use your energy to be more active take a break from your computer, Clean your office, visit a Jewish bookstore, call an old friend.
USE THIS FORUM IT IS THE BEST PLACE TO BE.THERE IS REAL KEDUSHA HERE!!
BE BESIMCHA YES BESIMCHA!! SAY TO YOURSELF A ZILLION TIMES  A DAY I AM A TZADDIK!!!!
LOOK AROUND people do change. Look at the 90 day wall of honor become inspired. These are HEROES regular people that are fighting Y”H tooth and nail. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.DONT look back (I’m repeating myself) just say that was in the past NOW I’m a great happy husband brother son father chavrusa employee etc.

Believe IN YOURSELF. It takes more time and energy and talent to feed and hide your addiction.
I realize this post might be a drop too long sorry.

MY HOPE IS THAT WE SHOULD ALL GIVE EACH OTHER THE CHIZUK WE NEED TO BE TRULY HAPPY AND HONEST AN HOLY.

Humbled and happy
bardichev

Hi. It is sweet and painful to read the posts here, thank-you. Please read my post from 04/28, titled "11 years, etc." Something there may be helpful and get back to me if you have questions. I can't tech, only share, and everybody is differrent, of course.
It has been my experience that saying you have an addiction is one thing. Coming to terms with what that really means and acting like you really are ill and need help, is another. Whenever I feel like I am fine and strong, that I can make it if I only try harder, life gets difficult. When I hide things, life gets difficult. Your Email, "Addiction",
shows you are reaching out and coming to terms with what is wrong and that is a great thing. I, for one have had enough of silent sufferring and talk to people in my program a few times per day, besides meetings twice weekly, and written step work as needed. The whole truth about me needs to be on the outside, with safe people.
You may benefit, as I do, from focusing a bit more on Hashem doing all the fighting for you and your part is just not feeding your addiction. For that (not feeding it) we will still need a lot of help besides davening short foxhole type prayers ("Hashem/Tatty/Father/Best Eternal Friend help me. I do that a lot.) Then try to get right back to whatever the heck you were doing for real life until you were distracted by whoever/whatever bad idea came along and maybe making a phone call to another program person to help you do that.
Maybe for normal people, there is a mitzva to struggle directly with the yetzer hora, but not for me (and many other sober addicts who I know). I have proven that I can't be entrusted with a job like that!
Struggling to live in reality and just doing your job whatever it is, is the ikkar - NOT fighting this giant malach known as the yetzer hora. See the aggados about the Tannaim who focused on fighting the yetzer hora near the end of  Gemara Kiddushin and see what power the Sotton can wield if people try to compete with it directly. This is quite simple to me. I banged my head into that wall too many times. The fight is for Hashem to do for me, now - "ilmalei ozro" - my struggle is to do the steps and live with his help. Notice, by the way, that the steps do not have anything about drinking/acting out, just learning how to live right and think right so we do not get so uncomfortable that we may need to medicate Ch"v. I hope this was helpful! Love, from one precious, sweet yid with problems, to another one.
If seeing stuff is a problem, I have noticed a little trick, that closing them for a second and redirecting myself w/Hashems help is easier than turning my neck first! Funny, but true!

Hi Dov,

Your story is truly beautiful and inspiring!

I have been struggling for years, as you had, with attempting to fight this disease with yiddishkiet to no avail.  SA tells us that our addiction is a disease and that self will, even if manifested from good intent does not work.  We must give ourselves and our addictions over to Hashem before we can hope to recover.  SA also makes no claims to have a monopoly on recovery, so we do not marginalize nor criticize anyone else's recovery efforts.

You are living proof that that SA and the 12 steps work.

I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing this!

Wow Dov, this is one of the most powerful posts that has EVER been posted on this forum. Seriously. I plan on using your story in a Chizuk e-mail today to 400 members, and I plan on bringing it up in an interview that I have this week with the Jerusalem Post for an article they want to make about our work.

Your story such an amazing example of how insidious this disease is, and how we must learn to become HUMAN again before we can start to be Jews, let alone good Jews. I have been emphasizing recently these very points you bring up here, in our daily Chizuk e-mails more and more. You would enjoy reading Chizuk e-mails 438-450 on this Page, where I tried to convey to everyone a deeper understanding about how the 12-Steps work and why they are so basic and important in this struggle.

We can never know why we had to go through what we did in our life times. But after reading your story, all I can say is that I will make sure to the best of my ability to spread your experience to everyone else. This is one of our goals at GuardYourEyes, to help people "Hit Bottom while Still On Top" (see e-mail #441) by helping them understand the nature of this addiction and where it will ultimately lead us, so we can take the necessary steps to break free before we need to fall further and our lives start falling apart.

By the way, Dov, I am almost finished preparing a booklet of steps that people who struggle with lust addiction can take. It starts from the most basic steps, and moves on to the more extreme steps. I would like to ask you to look it over and give me your feedback. I also think that when you see it, you will understand why there are so many Torah ideas, Mussar and tips on our site. For people who have advanced to a level of addiction such as yours, these type of ideas indeed won't help, but there are many levels of addiction. At the earlier stages, a lot of the stuff on our website can be very helpful. (No one goes on Chemo treatment for a flu).

And that's why I am preparing this guidebook. It is easy to get lost on our site, because there are so many ideas, tips and approaches, and not all of them apply to the same levels of addiction. With the guidebook, people will be able to start from the beginning and move down through the steps we suggest there, starting from the most simple and fundamental tactics, and down through the more extreme. The booklet will also help people gauge how far their level of addiction has advanced.

Dov, please stick with us on this forum and help us provide insight and Chizuk to so many people. We desperately need people with your type of experience on this forum. I am so greatful that Hashem has brought you to us.

Welcome to the Guard-Your-Eyes community.

Your site was emailed to me a few days ago and I enjoyed reading a lot here, thanks. It is always nice to "meet" other people I can relate with and commiserate w/others' sufferring.
One comment: After doing my first step and seeing my entire story in one place (and sharing it with others) it became clear to me that I was actually very ill. For years and years, I thought I was just plain "bad", at best pitied by, at worst despised by Hashem. In fact, I was doing severe aveiros and failing miserably at being an eved Hashem. I knew life was not supposed to be this way but always seemed to get in trouble and act on my compulsions. As a result, my emunah that avodas Hashem was really possible for me, was very low. That continued over ten years - then I got married. It got much, much worse after that for another ten years. I went to a few different therapists and spoke w/a few rabbonim, usually under the pretense of "having marriage problems". The real problem was, of course, that I had a double life and it was driving me crazy. Some of those people were a little helpful to me, some quite the opposite. I even called Rabbi Twerski (in 1991or '92) who told me exactly what you report here: that I probably need a 12-step group. I couldn't do that, I thought, cuz my wife would find out (I couldn't hide going to weekly meetings!!)and the whole complicated recovery thing would "cramp my style". I was sure that the best I could hope for would be dying at a ripe old age with a big, giant, ugly secret in my safekeeping. About six years later, I finally hit bottom. It became clear to me that I was getting worse, never better, and that in order to take even one step further - which I HAD to do -  I'd have to leave everything behind - my family, my self-respect, my community, the Torah and mitzvos, and even give up on any struggle for a connnection with Hashem... In short, everything I defined myself and life by, was "up for grabs". I saw no way out and was terrified. I had been terrified many times before (usually by getting caught or fearing getting caught), but this was different and I knew it had nothing to do with getting "caught" by anyone. Even alone with myself, "uncaught" this life became unbearable.
I went to a therapist the next week, told her my story, and she suggested I go to SA meetings. I have been going ever since and have been helped directly and indirectly by Hashem - Who I now know as my Best Friend - to stay sober so far. My davening and learning went through a long cold period (about 3 years) soon after getting sober, but with lots of help and a few years of patience it turned a corner and now, like our marriage and my life in general, the davening and learning are better than I had ever dreamed they'd be. I often have some awareness that I am really, comfortably, living with Hashem. Of course, I still have plently of problems and have ups and downs but they aren't as big a deal as they used to be, and there is a "background music" of hope, telling me it's going to be alright.
Here is my point: The traditional AA approach saved my life. I mean the AA message that I have a mental illness of addiction (to lust), a spiritual disconnect from Hashem and people, and a physical allergy (to pornography and much more) that will kill me, eventually. Using it in any way makes my life completely unmanageable and makes me usesless to others. Many other people appear to able to use it a little without sufferring as I do. For them it is just a "moral failing", while for me it leads to a downward spiral of insanity and failure. Just like alcohol is for an AA. For me, focusing on my struggle as having to do with my normal Yetzer Hora was a sure recipie for failure. It made me simply try harder, use new tricks, and get yet more support. The message of AA to me (through SA) was not about any of those. It was about accepting the fact that I am fundamentally different from non-addicts and accepting that fundamentally, I am not a BAD person getting GOOD, I am a SICK person getting WELL with help from Hashem. I had to accept that this disease had me completely beaten, just like cancer or diabetes. You don't struggle against them, you get the treatment. Plently of people don't, and die in the struggle. The standard teshuva thing did me no good at all, simply because it is not structured for crazy people. This was not just a "Ruach Shtus", it was my standard of living.
I needed to first learn to get honest with myself and others. That took me about a year and a half of frequent program calls, regular meetings, work w/my sponsor, and steps. And it was still clearly a Neiss (a miracle). Just like Hashem cures people from cancer and other illnesses when the patient takes his or her medicine/treatments, I had to do the same and He did the same for me, and continues to do it each day, for I believe I will still use my addiction and ruin my life, should just I get uncomfortable enough with living. Putting the steps into action keeps me comfortable and sane (at least it has so far!). 
I think some frum people, especially those who feel strongly about either beating the Yetzer Hora themselves as a supreme kiddush Hashem, or  who feel that the answer must be in Torah if they look hard enough have a hard time with this approach. I doubt they do the same with any other disease. Most of what I have seen in this website revolves around using teshuva and mussar advice to beat this yetzer hora one day at a time, etc. For me, it was too confusing to mix mussar concepts with the 12 steps, particularly early on. It was toxic, actually.
I know that lust, using and acting on lust is not exactly like alcohol, as it involves aveiros chamuros while drinking alcohol is not an aveira, per se. Nevertheless, hanging onto the purely religious approach would have left me as I was for twenty years: looking for the answer with broken eyeglasses. The way I read them, the 12 steps are about getting my eyes (mind and body) fixed and THEN getting frumer, not about getting frumer in order to stop. In fact, I got very frum and the frumer I got the sicker turns my addiction took! I grew quite disgusted with myself along the way, to put it mildly.
Please don't get me wrong. I am not saying anyone is wrong, just sharing what worked for me. Even though the principles are Torah-based, AA, in my experience is a sanity-building tool, not a religious one. Because I am a yid, thank G-d, after I started to gain sanity and some freedom from the compulsive sexual acting out and lust-thinking I was able to start growing into the jewish man Hashem wants me to be. The steps are a tool I use to stay on that path now. I hope nothing I have written insults anyone. I hope it was heplful.
I wish all the people using this site hatzlacha and send my love to all of you, my brothers!

Dearest Shomer, you don't know how lucky you are to have Boruch as a partner. I want to share with you a recent e-mail that Boruch sent me (that wasn't intended for everyone to see), but all the same, I'm sure Boruch won't mind since I think it will inspire you now and "open you up" more to understanding why it is so important that you have a sponsor and listen to him unquestioningly. Here is what Boruch wrote:

Here is what the Big Book says about perfection in working the Steps:

"No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection."

My experience was that I started with a similar approach towards the 12-steps, doing them the way I understood that the Eibishter wanted me to do them based on Yerushalmi and Rambam etc, and I formulated my own tefillos in loshon hakodesh based on davening and Chazal. And that was what I was ready for at the time.

Today though, I strive towards letter perfect adherence of the Steps, as they are printed and described in the Big Book and Twelve and Twelve.

My original approach was OK while it worked. Until I realized that even if I would ever come up with the best program the World had yet seen, it would not work for me.

Why not? Because in my experience, working my own program is doing what I want and will never give me a model of doing what Hashem wants. Working the other guy's program though, even if inferior to my own, is good practice for the necessary humility to working Hashem's Will and not mine. As Rambam says in Peirush HaMishneh to Ovos, that there is so much value in "aseih lecho Rav" that it is even worth taking a Rov smaller than yourself (if there’s no one else).

And it did not take long for my experience to prove the point very powerfully. My Step Three would have skipped handing over our lives to Hashem and would only have included handing our will over to Hashem. The addict in me was not yet ready to hand over his entire self and I convinced myself that it was a Christian concept. No matter that we know "bechol levovecho uvechol nafshecho", no matter that we know of "mesirus nefesh", no matter that we visualize actual mesiras nefesh in the first Pasuk of Shema, all because I was not ready, so I shut it out and it would not have been in my program. It was only through working the program exactly as written that I found the missing piece and discovered that I was not "fully surrendered".

And that's when I deleted my own tefillos.

Now the Big Book does say that we should use Rabbis, ministers and religious people for prayers, but I was not using "Rabbis, ministers and religious people", I was using me and I believe that addicts should not compose their own recovery. To me, it is too much like trusting the wolf with the hen house.

Hello Dear Friends ...

I just wanted to update the group on my progress, as I had not updated my journal in a while.

A lot has happened over the past couple of weeks as I have attempted to lay the foundation for a solid and lasting recovery bezras Hashem yisborach shemo.

I have been attending the frum SA groups 6 days a week for the past 40 days or so.  While the groups meet early in the morning and required me to forgo my morning seder, it was obvious to me that recovery had to come first, period.

Something happened, however, in the past week that may drastically impact the course of my recovery.

The first major block that I encountered with the program came when I was told to "get a sponsor".  I was told that one cannot work the program without a sponsor and that if I did not get one, my recovery could be in jeopardy.  The process, I was told, to go about getting a sponsor was to find someone that I could relate to on a recovery level and who's individual recovery I admired and ask them to become my sponsor.  I was also told "do what your sponsor tells you to do and don't ask questions".

I will be quite honest and state frankly that I naturally have an aversion to authority.  I don't like people telling me what to do and I am not interested in people getting involved in my affairs.

There was an individual in the group, however, who I do admire and was planning on asking to become my sponsor.  Then boruch joined my group and began rubbing some people the wrong way, particularly this individual.  I received a call from this individual that sounded very much like a request for boruch to leave the group and I began to get very nervous.

Although boruch has since ingratiated himself to this individual as well as the group as a whole, this experience began to plant questions in my mind regarding whether I wanted this person to be my sponsor.

I spoke to boruch about this and he advised me to ask this person to become my temporary sponsor.

I did this, but was subsequently told by this person that he did not feel that I was "surrendered" completely and that because of this as well as time constraints on his end, he could not be my temporary sponsor.

At this point I can honestly say that I am not "surrendered" completely in the sense that I am willing to accept the SA program point blank.

The meetings are great, the phone support is fantastic, but I am quite frankly not ready to have another person from my group sit down and tell me what to do.

I am also questioning my readiness to accept the level of personal disclosure that the program requires to another individual yet.  Additionally, I feel that I am not ready to sit down at this point and do the personal inventories.

All this came crashing down on me yesterday and I began feeling very disconnected from the group.  I realized that I needed to do something immediately to halt a slide chaliyla and promptly told my wife about what I was going through.  She listened to my dilemma and was very supportive and understanding, a true aishes chayil.

I got a good nights sleep last night and did not attend a meeting this morning.

At this point I do plan on attending a few meetings a week, but cannot continue with the 90 meetings in 90 day regiment suggested by the program.

I realize that there exists certain mental barriers that are preventing me from fully embracing the program.

I also feel that I need to find my own path to recovery, whether that be through a literal process of working the steps or a combination of meetings, support and spiritual growth through Torah.

I am open to any and all options and am willing to do whatever it takes to recover.

My sobriety will my barometer and personal bottom line.

I would, however, advise any and all individuals suffering from this addiction to try SA.

I do still plan on attending meetings and cultivating my network of recovery contacts.  I also plan on continuing to read the literature as I do believe that the 12 step program does contain the keys to conquering addiction.

I am constantly being mispalel to Hashem to continue to grant me the gift of sobriety and will continue to work hard to achieve those ends.

Today is day 41 ....   

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Test yourself to see if you are a Lust addict over here.

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For more information contact us at:

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I was considering not posting today. But why give the evil one the satisfaction.

I want to continue where we left off yesterday

Torah IS the source of life. Everyone has a portion in Torah Again everyone has a portion in torah .I’m sure those who are more familiar with kabbalah on this forum can explain it on a kabalistic level.
Back to the emotional/practical level there is no such concept as I am not cut out for learning. Yet many people FEEL that way. It is a crime that some people such as teachers rebbes parents robbed from their students.

So to set the record straight everyone can learn something. Everyone needs to learn something.

So if you ask where does this come into battling our horrible addiction?
The answer my friends is this world is built on the mechanics of ZACHAR/NEKEIVA which means mashpia/mekabel provider/receiver (the kabbalists on the forum are going to have their work cut out for them).Simply put Hashem is the ultimate provider we the world are the receivers.

The glue that bonds the zachar or the nosain to the nekaiva or mekabel is called CHESHEK. (Again team kabbalah can explain cheshek and ratzon chemdah taava etc.) EVERYONE IN THE WORLD HAS A CHESHEK FOR SOMETHING!!!

TORAH NEEDS TO BE LEARNED WITH CHESHEK .That is what satisfies a person. If you have no CHESHEK in Torah you will automatically feel an urge to place the CHESHEK elsewhere and usually it is in sin which leads to addictive behavior.

So what if you don’t have a CHESHEK to learn. Try TRY TRY to find a subject a rebbe a shiur a chavrusa something that interests you .every subject in the world from A astrology to Z zoology and everything else in between is covered by the HEILIGE TORAH.
The Chafetz Chaim explains that torah Is MACHSHARO LIYOS TZADDIK it is like HECHSHER KAYLIM it cleans him out and makes him kosher.

When we where young and learned in yeshiva we where FORCED to learn that in on itself takes away CHESHEK . So Open your mind and try to get into TORAH.

This forum is giving the Y”H a taste of his own medicine.


Humbled and happy
bardichev

p.s. please daven for me tomorrow is the record breaking 40th day I hope to break free forever

yosefyaakov and ykv
Thank you for your powerful replies .I hope rabbeine guard shlit"a uses some of them and turns them into chizuk emails there is so much here I feel I need time to work on them rather than just read them.

Please lets all give each other the chizuk to go further.

THIS IS AN APPEAL I AM MAKING ON MY OWN INITIATIVE
PLEASE send the guard a donation for this forum and the website.

We need to help as many people that want to be helped.This addiction is beyond any number that people can imagine on all different levels.
I feel that there is so much that can be done on this site alone as long as the people find it and use it correctly to better themselves and not just to read YENEMS TZOORIS lit. another persons woes (sound better in Yiddish).

Why is simcha the key??
Here goes. What is simcha is it being happy? is it being funny laughy giggly? Is it having a blast?

Did you ever see an ELTERE YID sitting by his einikels chasuna with a small smile just the edges of his lips curling up?
I think that simple look is simcha. He’s not jumping up and down not hollering with his buddies not downing bookers at the bar .He IS BESIMCHA
SIMCHA is the feeling that one has when they feel they truly accomplished something and did the right thing. When some thing is in its complete state it is the Matzav of simcha.

so why is this the key ?Hashem is the mkor (source) of simcha there really is no simcha that one can feel AND HOLD ON TO .what people are looking for is to attain simcha .
Attaining SIMCHA IS WORK WORK WORK.Any quick fix will lead you ultimately to sin and to addictive behaviors that is so hard to rectify.

So the first step is to realize that the search for lust is just a mirage of what you are really looking for. PLUS this road  of lust-sin-addiction =depression.

SO try the real thing find things that can trigger REAL JOY!
if you need inspiration watch little kids play watch the birds that are plentiful now in the spring weather. Go out of your way to help someone .Compliment your spouse employee rebbe student neighbor etc.
The ultimate misameach is TORAH I am pressed for time now B"eH I will post some eitzos how to find sheer joy In the TORAH HAKIDOSHA.

Thank you all for you advice keep it up I need it

humbled and happy
bardichev
DAY 38 LACH=laugh (yiddish)

boruch wrote on 21 Apr 2009 04:53:


Chasdei Hashem it is now 4 days and 3 local meetings since the above post and here are Hashem's gifts to me in these last three days all  directly through my attendance at my local meeting and all following my complete surrender to Hashem.

1) My wife told me that she plans on going to her first local frum all-female 12-step group meeting for wives of sex addicts, which is a local chapter of S-Anon (the family group that parallels SA).

2) My wife and I are planning on attending a special retreat.

3) I realized today, that I could ordinarily have expected to have walked for the first time into a local frum SA meeting and be both fraught with anxiety for  my own embarrassment and full of curiosity for who I would recognize there in the meeting. I realize today that what actually happened could not have been more different.

I realize today that when I walked in to the meeting for the first time, thanks ONLY TO HASHEM, I judged no-one, not myself and not anyone else, and in these last 4 days and 3 local meetings I realize that thanks ONLY TO HASHEM, I feel like I literally love every member of my frum group like a brother, peshutto kemashmo'o mamosh.

So I get a VERY BIG MAZAL TOV. Thanks ONLY TO HASHEM, I literally feel like my mother just came back home from the hospital with over 10 NEW BROTHERS.

4) I realize today, that first out of shame, and then out of fear, I had been very hesitant about going to my local Frum group.

My own first-hand experience  in the last 4 days has shown me that my anonymity is safer in my own local SA GROUP than it is in the non-Jewish group that I have been attending and that currently I still attend, once a week, even though that group is in a different STATE an hour's drive from home.

How do I know?

From my own experience. Now, I judge no-one and do not seek to get into any comparisons. So without any judging, rationalizations or excuses I will just look 100% at the facts.

Just one example. On several occasions, including one in these last 4 days, several non-Jewish members of the out-of-sate SA group I attend, have innocently asked me whether I know, for example, let's say, Avrohom T. or Moshe P. from SA in this or that location, that they met at this or that SA event.

In addition to first-name and first letter of last-name they have been quite ready to disclose complete descriptions of these people to me, they have been ready to disclose everything other than full last-name, just because I am an SA member, even though it is very possible, although almost certainly unbeknown to these non-Jewish members, that there is a significant possibility that because of the nature of our community I could figure out who the person is just from the description. I have no reason to believe that they are doing any different with me.

Now you may say who should be afraid of anonymity among SA members? There have unfortunately been many more examples of unintentional and yet very serious breaches of anonymity in the world of Recovery groups, some that happened to non-Jews and some that happened to Frum Jews that were started by such seemingly innocent disclosures between Recovery group members. Someone at my local Frum group told me that he almost lost his anonymity, davka from the non-Jewish group that he goes to and he told me that on the other hand, he never once had any issues as a result of our local frum group.

In our local Frum group, from bitter past experience of the fragility of anonymity within a very close-knit community, they have specific guidelines and they are extremely vigilant on areas and levels of anonymity in ways that I could never have even conceived of until this week.

Irony of ironies. I was afraid about my anonymity in my local group when my anonymity is safer in my own local SA GROUP than it is in the non-Jewish out-of-State SA GROUP that I have been attending

5) Since I am 6 years old I have been totally baffled at my cluelessness over the source of my many problems, of which I always thought that my addiction was the smallest. I realized since 6 years old that my life was becoming more and more unmanageable with every passing year and I had no more insight into the cause. Since my late teens I put up a brave front that usually fooled everyone, including and especially myself, that everything was fine. For the last 23 years in total desperation I looked for what the problem was and I never found it. I tried total immersion in mussar. It was a good idea but it did not work. I tried the best self-help books, both ancient and modern, Jewish and non-Jewish. I read books by psychologists and was no closer. I did daily detailed personal inventories, long before I knew anything about 12 steps. I was no wiser. I learned many many mussar seforim and was no wiser. I davened to Hashem for help and I was no wiser. I went for years to many therapists both for individual therapy and marital therapy and was no wiser. Fr the first time in my life in my late 30s I got myself a Rov and still I was no wiser.

Then I discovered only 9 months ago that I had ADHD and thought that was the source of all my problems. I am taking medication and doing therapy in conjunction and for a while I thought that was the source for all of my problems. Then my addiction returned and after a couple of months of seeming relief from my addiction my problems grew and grew and my addiction returned and quickly became for the first time the single greatest problem of my life on January 19th 2009.

Then, on January 20th shocked to discover that I could no longer deny my addiction I pledged on this forum to go sober for life without having the first concept of what that meant.

On January 27th 2009 I joined SA.

By April 20th 2009 of this year Boruch the "12 step expert" had reached 90 days of sobriety had hyper-focused on the 12 steps, had worked ALL 12 Steps to the best of his ability for 80-something days, I had done everything I knew including a full 4th Step inventory and I was still no wiser. I did not have a clue. Everyone I knew in SA, whether they had worked the Steps more, worked the Steps less, or not worked the Steps at all, knew better than I what their issues were. And up until and including my last post here I was more in the dark than anyone I knew. And then on Monday of this week having attended my local group for the first time I just surrendered myself totally and completely because I had done everything I could possibly even imagine because I knew that I was as hopelessly in the dark as ever and because I had never been more desperate. I did not ask Hashem for insight or understanding. I only asked Hashem to help me do what He wanted me to do.

Within 24 hours Hashem caused a great lifting of the thickest darkness. For the first time in my life I began to see with increasing clarity how everything I had done in my life was very different from what I had imagined it to be. I began to understand for the first time how all of my values and achievements were not at all what I thought they were. For the first time in my life the thickest walls of denial came crashing down.

I who thought I was a perfect gentleman, that's how I thought I behaved most of the time in the flesh (how wrong I was), I who almost never lost his cool, in the flesh, (how wrong I was), I who thought that I was so accepting of life (how wrong I was) was actually deep, deep down where I could never discover, no matter how many years I dug and no matter how hard and desperately I dug totally angry and resentful at both Mankind in general, my wife specifically (who I thought I loved 100%) and Hashem (who I was convinced I would never ever get angry at) and I never, ever knew it.

Others must have seen occasional glimpses, even in real-life (on this forum it was not so occasional and sometimes very obvious) but I was clueless.

Then when I joined my local frum all-male SA group and started acting no different than anyone else, and came to realize that I was more clueless than everyone else I knew, then and only then Hashem guided my wife to agree to try S-Anon, mountains of pain lifted, entire fortresses of denial came tumbling down and for the first time in my life I discovered the meaning of honesty.

Yes, literally, I was a "she'eino yodeia lisho" for all of my life. I did not even know how to ask how to get rid of my problems because I did not have any idea of what they were, much as I tried for 23 years to discover them.

Then after I gave up and Let Go and Let G-d, Hashem showed me that Honesty was the question, that denial was my problem and that Acceptance is the answer to all my problems.

This deliberately semi-humorous story won't give you any method, but it is the most quoted of all alcoholic's personal stories and it could have been written about me, word for word.