I have hesitated to post my history, but I have decided to open up. This is my list story and probably one of the main battles HaShem wants me to win.

Part 1
My problem began sometime before my barmitzvah and continued from then on. I was brought up in a tradition home, but not shomer shabbos. There was no porn at home. I attended non Jewish  schools and all my friends were not Jewish. Although I mixed almost exclusively with non-Jews my parents did not want me to have any non-Jewish girl friends. I presume this very much enhanced my problem.

I started becoming frum in my early twenties and started my life long fight. My first time in Yeshivah I remained clean for 7 months. Just learning for 14 hours a day was enough. However, on returning to my parents house my problem returned. I begin a relentless campaign to break the habit by fasting and learning Mishnah by heart. It helped a lot, but did not break the problem completely.

Part 2
At this stage I got courage and spoke to a Rav. However, I got a very cold response as this Rav clearly did not understand where I was coming from. (This was about 31 years ago!). I told the Rav I would write to the Lubovitcher Rebbe. He told me I could write, but would never get an answer.

He was wrong I did get an answer. I never revealed the contents of this letter, which was written in Hebrew, but this is gist of the letter.

"you should occupy yourself with the letters of Torah and Tephilla which have no connection whatsoever ...much light comes from the deepest darkeness"

Some months later I actually went to 770 and had personal Yehidus with the Rebbe. At that  time I had broken my addiction and thought I had won. The Rebbe told me "you should behave according to Shulkan Aruch"

I then returned to Yeshiva for several years with no problems

Part 3
I hope this is not too boring, but I think it is important for you to understand how my problem has built up.

The problem came back with a vengeance during my first marriage. Intimacy was a major issue; there was a time when my wife never went to mikvah for a whole year.  Even, when she did go to mikvah intimacy was very rare. I need not go into more details, but I lived under tremendous frustration and even had fantasies of how I would rape her! BH I never did, nor did I restore to any kind of violence. I was however, very despondent and angry with myself. Needless to say, my escape was to return to my addiction. 

Unfortunately, this marriage ended in divorce. After a number of years I married again and my new wife was much more affectionate. Yet there are many times she is not available or simply had no interest in relations. My "release" is always to return to my old ways. I can go clean for a few weeks, but never seem to be able to maintain a clean state.

Conclusion
The success I once archived before marriage, I have never been able to repeat. I have often wondered if I was the only one in the world with this problem. Maybe, I'm not normal? Do I have some uncontrollable sex drive? What's wrong with me?

I now realize I am not alone.

To all the great warriors on this forum, may Hashem be with you!

PLEASE make sure to read the new handbooks (links below), and let them be a basis for the Chizuk and tools that are discussed on this forum when offering suggestions to newcomers who post here seeking advice. Let these booklets provide us with ideas and direction to share with the newcomers. After all, almost everything in these handbooks I got from YOU GUYS.. I'll bet each of you will find in them, at least one quote or idea that you had said in the past  :D

Suggestion: You might want to print the handbooks out to read away from the computer, if it makes it easier at first.

(Keep in mind though, that if you print them, you won't be able to click on the many web links in the articles. But you can always come back to them later. The truth is, it's anyway good to go through the whole handbook once without clicking on links, just to get an overview of all the tools available. Once you did that, you can start again from tool #1 and read each tool through more carefully, studying each one and assessing whether you tried it fully yet or not)...

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook
This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude
The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth...

hello all my game plan is simple

conrol your Y"H with aposotive additude be cool.Really take it one hour at a time every hour is a victory .Be open here on the forum stay here this place is the direct opposit of the addiction this place is dibbuk chavierim wheras the addiction is Ltaava yivakeish nifrad.

stay cool be besimcha focus on your posotive atributes everyone has something special about themselves.daven dance mikva learn sing jog clean your room
call an old freind do something with a chiyus in yiddish LEIB OIIF!! simply put LIVE!!

h&h
bardichev

Thank you for your warm words Guard, I had a struggle today and unfortuantely acted out, I had the cravings to act out again later on in the day, and my addict side justified by saying that I've already acted out today so one more time is not going to make a difference I can alway start my recovery again tomorrow, but BH I have not acted out since.  It is not 12am in London and I am going to bed.  As recovery is a ONE DAY AT A TIME for me I committ not to act out tonight. I really beg and daven to Hashem that He should keep me clean and sober tonight and that my dreams too should be clean, I want sobriety for tonight.

Thank you everyone for being here for me.
London

Dear Aaron4,
Thanks for your words.
1- All I can tell my wife w/respect my to lust issues are the facts. She can't process the explanations/reasons in my mind for how/why I had the problem. The whole thing is way too scary and weird to her. I tried, early on, but learned that it was just cruel to do to her. She does deserve and need to know the facts, though. The rest I tell my sponsor and home group - and it is important that she knows that.
When it comes to the ups and downs of my day, including the convoluted and often self-absorbed and goofy things that are mostly going on inside my head, it is different - now. Used to be I could'nt share that with her either and she'd just say (angrily, sometimes) "you need to go to talk to your sponsor," or "you need to go to a meeting".
We needed to feel that out and with siyata dishmaya it is getting better. Interestingly, we are getting closer through working together  to deal with the vicissitudes of life, which - without sobriety - I'd have escaped from into my brain, making my own issues up or acting out in lust, just to avoid them all...living in reality is no fun sometimes but it is 1000% better that being in "fake-land". It seems we get sober and finally can start really living. It's not the goal, just the ground level!

An idea from this: Get yourself more involved in HER world, instead of trying to get HER more involved in YOUR world. Your world is beaing taken care of just fine by Hashem. Now it's time to start worrying yourself with HER concerns...She'll know it and may respond to that well. Did that clarify anything?

2- Yes, it was a big impediment. Lo hamedrash haikkar, ellah hamaaseh applies more to addicts that to anyone, perhaps. Rule #62 of AA is: "Don't take yourself so ____-damn seriously". It takes lots of tefilla and siyata dishmaya to get better at focusing on doing what needs to get done for others and myself w/o getting lost in the reasons, motivations, and outcomes. Yes, I need to take what I do very seriously, but not myself. PIck anyone else who needs you and take them and their needs more seriously and you'll get more sobriety - and have more fun, too! This takes siyata dishmaya and I don't really understand it, but it sure makes a person more effective! Relationships w/others become very frustrating for both parties when too much power is given to details like what I am really thinking, if I am really a tzaddik or a rasha, what the deeper meaning of what I/they did is, the past/future, etc. I don't Chv"sh mean to trivialize, but does that make sense to you? Is this addressing what you were asking at all? Uh-oh! Am I taking this too seriously? Ahhhhhhh!!!!

3- You are probably doing fine for now but just aren't aware of it. But here is my two cents: Writing my whole acting out history; writing the fourth step as AA (the four columns) recommends, and doing the other steps with a sponsor and friends leads me (I hope) to gaining honesty and living honestly. Daven a few times a day to be led on only the right path; to be protected from lying and from sheker in general; from accepting counterfeit happiness (lust, hollywood, approval from others) instead of the real thing; for Hashem to show us what the real thing is; for honesty. And be aware that the very best Hashem will probably give you is just a bit more honesty that you already have. It seems to me that if He gave it all to us in one birthday present, our heads would blow up, or something! Or more likely, we wouldn't know what to do with it. Hope that helped. This journey is the big game - the only real game in town. It is really, really precious, and so: it takes time, lots of time...- Dov

Hello Ineedhelp

I also need help too, today I do slipped, have convenant eyes on my computer but still managed to find images and acted out today.  You write sorry for letting everyone down - this is a very negative attitude, when I first came into recovery I spoke to R' Twersky and he told me to think about all the victories that I have had and the massive mitzvos I get from them.  We are fighting a war, and there will be some battles that we loose as they say in the fellowships it's progress not perfection.

Let us both get up dust ourselves down and continue fighting the war and winning the battles over this nasty and disgusting addiction.  My battle today is to get to bed sober  that is what I commit to everyone on this forum.

Thanks for being here for me.
London

Ezra
When I was your age I too struggled with this addiction, I sought help from my Rabbonim / Masgiach and was given completly misguided advise.

I am now married in my early 30's with children, my wife has been through pure hell as a result of my acting out and if I do not stop I will loose my children too.

Whenever I see or hear of Bochurim struggling with this issue I want to shake them and scream at them to get into recovery at an early age.  When I was 17 my m/o was masturbating and porn mags, but as you know this illness is progressive and by the time I was in my mid 20's I was doing things that in my wildest dreams I never thought I would do.  If you still think that you are not so bad and that I have not done a certain behaviour yet, you should know the "yet" stands for "your eligible too".  Please please I beg you take recovery serioulsly leave no stone unturned in finding a solution that works for you and spare yourself future wife & kids years of hell and recovery.
May G-d be with you.
London

aaorn,
A very intriguing question indeed.  I wish I had a clear explanation.  I myself am confused about my own past.  And I think for me that complicated my issue even more. 

But, firstly, I agree with what rashkebehag stated that the problem started before Torah was strong in my life.  It was not until I was 16 that I became serious in my learning.  And it was at that point that I was set on removing myself from porn.  But, this porn habit has already been with me for a few years beforehand and I could not get rid of it. I tried and cried.  But to no avail. My shaarei teshuvah is still crumpled in tears from those early days of frantic help.

There is more. As much as I try to devote most of my time to learning, not all my time is in Torah.  From the time I was young, most of my triggers were in non-learning settings.  I would get annoyed with myself for not learning at that time as I knew I would have no desires during learning.  I have had may instances where after a wonderful seder of learning I would come home, and realize that I am home alone and out of no where I would get this immense urge, and lose my self completely.  I would be so annoyed later because I really wanted to be learning.  But I could not control myself.  I did not ask for these temptations to come. 

I did have a short lived era of my life where I was working full time in NYC.  Those were the worst years of my life.  My addiction plummeted.  I could not even go into details.  When I went back to Kollel, where I have been ever since, the problem began to simmer down.  In the past 7 years I went through major ups and downs. 

So in essence what this boiled down to was a war.  I wanted good and bad.  I desired Torah and filth at the same time.  Which will prevail?  So it was not issue of porn replacing torah that made me feel better; it was two opposing forces that attracted me and I did not have the strength to stand up for truth. 

But very rarely, did a nisayon hit while I was learning.  I loved learning.  It was when I removed myself from Torah, even momentarily, that I was under attack.  A day that I learned less, I was more prone to porn.  Till today, if there is a day that I cannot learn as much, I am frightened.  My whole being is much less spiritual.  If there is a day that I know I will not be able to learn so much, I put most of the time into mussar to give me strength.  Mussar always gave me extreme power.  and after each major fall, I would pick myself up with a new sefer and become invigorated.  Most of my mussar learning was learned as a result of my porn addiction.  But, again, the second I removed myself, the foreign power in my brain would visit and I was no match for him. 

I think I am rambling a bit as I explained from the beginning that this bewilders me more than it bewilders you.  Sorry if I am not clear about this situation.  I will try to give this issue more thought and explain it in better terms.  If you are interested, I wrote a lengthy post a while back tracing the situations that triggered the lust in my life.  You can read it here.

to answer the last question of AAron4, i may say that the problem 1st surfaces in the early teen years when the learning is not that serious. and really I have used learning as an eitza during my "ups" but there are always "downs" in learning itself - that is a fact of life- and that is when the YH steps in to fill the gap. I never was able to understand why Mussar never really helped. But if it is truly an addiction, then maybe it is a sickness which is beyond the scope of Mussar. The RAMBAM says that bad thoughts come to a mind that is empty from wisdom (Torah). In fact I heard of someone having trouble with nocturnal emissions and he would think in learning during the early hours of the morning when the habit was prevalent. I myself used a segulah which i read in a sefer: to balance on my 10 toes and fingertips. It really worked and I had no trouble with that for many years.

Ezra512 wrote on 07 May 2009 01:39:


You nailed it on the head.  As Jack says, it is HARD WORK.  a person has to put all his efforts into fixing himself, then Hashem will come to help.  We do the efforts, Hashem takes care of results. Ezra, you are still young.  Do not end up like so many of us here on this site.  When I was your age I never planned to continue doing this for another 15 years and neither did anyone else here.  So internalize your own wisdom and continue addressing this addiction in a very real way.  Take advice from the wonderful warriors of this site, and learn to recapture yourself from the hands of the yetzer hara.  Believe in yourself that hashem entrusts you with bechira, beleive that hashem wants you to return and believe that that only Hashem can give you strength to remove yourself from sin.  Cry out to hashem and connect to him.

Bardichev,

You are incredible.  Your sincerity and honest desire to conquer this addiction is awe inspiring.  I have a question for you, rashkebehag, and others (Ykv, for one) who spend most of their time learning and being marbitz Torah.  You see, I became addicted in part because I did NOT learn well (for emotional reasons) and so found lust as a way to make myself feel better.  But if you've been learning throughout, what was missing?  What need was not being met?  What message was "not getting through" correctly?  I think that the answer may help others who are perhaps under the same mistaken impressions while in Yeshiva.

I want to thank berditchev for your reply. I am sure your heartfelt words will save me for another day ( I hope ). I also am in the world's eyes a chushuva mensch and marbitz torah. sometimes i wonder if my addiction is holding me back from being zoche to teach on a greater level. Is Hashem punishing me?  What's this about nuerons in the brain? How does it get healed?
But its good to know that even a Talmid Chochom like I am sure you are can stumble in this thing. Every one is writing that the 1st comfort here on this site is Tzuris Rabim

Welcome dear Neshama,

I think that guys like DOV on our forum, will be able to guide you back. And now that you've found our community, it will never be the same.

We will be announcing shortly two new GuardYourEyes handbooks, one of practical steps and one on perspective, and I hope you will find them very useful in your struggle. Sign up for the daily Chizuk e-mails and stick with us. There's in no better place in the world for a religious addict.

Welcome home.

I attend regular SA meetings in London and have not met any other Jewish people there.  I have been to meetings and conventions in the States and Israel and met dozens of Jewish people in recovery.  I can therefore assume that London is a really holy and special place full of Tzadikim who do not have issues with the internet or other S Addictions and I am the only crazy Jewish person living in London.

Let me know what you think.

Shalom

Thank you everyone for all your help, particularly Yosef Yaakov and Aaron4 for your insightful comments.I gained much from them. B"H everything went well today. Despite my concerns it seemed Hashem had a different idea planned and this lady never showed up.

In other news, I a friend of mine lost a young relative R’L. Having to cope with this tragedy I reflected on the fact that life could be taken in a moment and what would I do if I had to approach Beis Din Shel Maalah today and account for my aveiros without doing Teshuvah Gemurah. My Yetzer Hara always says to me that I will do Teshuvah later in life when I am older and get married. Firstly, after coming to this website I see the clear faults in this logic. Secondly, who can ever know if they will live long enough to do that Teshuvah. (obviously the whole idea is ridiculous. My ikkar point is that I have rationalized to myself that my addiction will go away with time and without effort)

May we only come to hear more simchas, in life and in in nitzachon against the Yetzer Hara

Ezra