Ok Kedusha, Congratulations on beginning your journey to sobriety, freedom and closeness to Hashem. I have added you to the "90 Day Journey" chart. May the date "24 Iyyar" be a date you will remember your whole life as the day you began to seriously work to break this insidious addiction - once and for all!

Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. (See Chizuk e-mail #320 for a Jewish source to this 90 day idea as well). That's why after 90 days, you go onto the "Wall of Honor" Chart.

However, for this to really work, we implore you to install a strong filter on your computer and also to post on the forum about your feelings / struggles and progress. You will get a lot of Chizuk and group support, and the fact that you are now on the chart will give you an extra push. You will make many friends on the forum and they will check back to the chart to see your progress and encourage you. See also the Homepage of www.guardureyes.com for an entire list of the tools and features on our site. Make sure to use out the tools and features on our site to their fullest potential, they are all there for YOU. I especially encourage the weekly phone conference -see here.

Please read the Rules Page carefully and update us according to your status.

Take heart that we are doing this all together. You are no longer alone. We all feel your struggle and will help you pull through IY"H.

Take it one day at a time. Say to yourself "Just for today, I will stay clean". Tomorrow is anyway not in your hands, why worry about it?

Remember, the Yetzer Hara wants your soul, not the pleasure. Otherwise, why is a thousand times never enough for him. Remember this saying. "Just once is always too much. A thousand times is never enough".

Let Hashem fight this battle for you. Give over the addiction to him every day. Tell him you can't do it alone. Hashem has been waiting all this time, NOW IS THE TIME.

Also, the more distance you put between you and the addiction, the easier it gets. See here for more on this.

May Hashem be with you!

Hi Bruce,

Welcome to our community. I am the admin of this forum. You have come to the right place. There are two prerequisites to beginning to heal from this addiction. One is admitting you have a problem, and two is wanting to get help. You have already done both of those. Now comes step three, actually getting the help!

If you've read a little bit through this forum, I’m sure you'll quickly realize that you are not alone and that we get cries for help like yours many times a day, both by e-mail and on the forum.

Basically, it seems you've been going through this cycle of addiction for a number of years already... We could offer you lots of great Chizuk and advice, but it would last only a few days and then wear off. Instead, we want to help you in a way that will be much more effective and systematic.

We put a lot of effort into writing up handbooks that contain all the tools to breaking free of this addiction, in progressive order. These are tools that we in the GYE community have gathered together - through hundreds of people's experiences over the years. These tools can help anyone, no matter what stage of addiction they might be at. Whether someone is just struggling a little, or whether they have tried countless times to break free with all types of advice and tricks, these handbook will be able to guide them on the right path. (See below for links to the handbooks).

By reading the handbooks and exploring what tools you've tried and which you haven't - we can work together and discuss a battle plan for you (along with the others on the forum) step by step, tool by tool. This will give us a clear "Framework" to work in, and will help you make progress, slowly but surely for the long term - and not just some advice that will quickly fade away...

We are here for you and we will do our very best to offer chizuk and advice and help you along for as long as it takes, but let's do it within a systematic framework so that the progress can be outlined and mapped, and you will finally be able to break free of this endless cycle of addiction...

Please right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook
This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude
The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth...

Also Bruce, when reading your story, I right away thought of this particular PDF file, which contains translations from a Hebrew book called "The first day of the rest of my life". I have a feeling that it would be particularly appropriate for your situation. Please download it here. In those chapters, you will come to understand perhaps why it is that particularly YOU suffer from this addiction more than others. It has to do with particular powers of the soul that are unique to you. You can also learn more about this in the "Attitude Handbook" above...

I'm sorry I'm giving you so much reading to do, but to recover from this illness, we have to be ready to put in at least as much time as we spent acting out... Rabbi Twerski always says that this illness is like a spiritual cancer. And what will a person not do to get better from cancer? Nothing should stand in his way!

So if you spent an hour a day acting out, replace that now with an hour a day of reading the three PDF files I linked to you above. I believe that within a week or so, you will have finished all three of them and you will find the courage and the tools to change your entire life around!

Yes, it is essential that you take care of this before marriage. Otherwise it has the potential to ruin two people's lives instead of one. And if not taken care of, this addiction only gets worse. But you have come to the right place, so do the reading and take heart, because you are no longer alone in your struggle.

P.S. As Kedusha wrote, a good filter is a very important first step. Please see this page for many great filter options. And I can hold the password for you. See this page for how to do it!

May Hashem be with you!

Thank you very much for the kind response, Bardichev.  I do know that it can be done, because I have done it before.  By treating this as an addiction, and taking it one day at a time, I hope to be successful this time, b'Ezras Hashem.

R. Guard, I put up a GUE flyer in my Shul this afternoon (no one was around), and also in another very popular Shul in town (hardly anyone was around, and I tried to be discreet).  I hope the flyers stay up, and that they help many people!

One question: the flyer refers only to Guardyoureyes.com, whereas the more comprehensive site appears to be Guardyoureyes.org.  Have you considered phasing out Guardyoureyes.com, and having it redirect to Guardyoureyes.org?

Dear INH -

Not to be too much of a pain in the proverbial behind, but...

I had a lot of knowledge, about myself, about the YH, and quite a bit about Torah - none of it got me to stop and stay stopped. The only proof I need is: I kept doing it. I venture to ask you: You (and any of us types) are already aware that acting out on lust is assur and bad for us in many other ways besides, no? Then what gives you, or any of us, the idea that more understanding or knowledge, especially of Torah, will help, at all? Hey, I knew a lot and I still violated lots of stuff I hold dear and meaningful - including the Torah - when it came to lust. Anyone who keeps acting out is doing pretty much the same. No? I promise, yiddle:  for years I was sure that I just didn't have enough knowledge and that If I only understood why I do this, then I'd finally be able to stop!. Well, as the AA big book (shockingly) puts it, "self-knowledge was not the answer". That is, any knowledge, even clarity about myself, won't necessarily help me stop and stay stopped, if I am an addict. (If you haven't yet, consider reading "The Doctors Opinion" in beginning of AA)  That's powerlessness and a humble pill to swallow. It isn't the Torah that is too weak to fight it, it is I who am unable to use the Torah and my very conscience properly to implement it. To me, that was incredible but actually a great relief: "You mean I simply do not have the ability to use and control lust? Oh. That explains a lot. Like an allergy. Thanks...Now could y'all show me how to live with that please?" I could finally relax and follow the directions instead of forging a new path and figuring it all out myself. And bE'H it is working.
I remember the days of desperately hanging onto every word of a shiur as though maybe this word is going to be the one that saves me and finally puts all this garbage behind me?! Not yet, maybe the next word will do the trick...and then going out after a few days or weeks and violating all the enlightenment!! Very frustrating for a good man. No one told me - "Hey, chump: trying harder and more enlightenment are not the answer. Just admit the truth you already know!" Now that's enlightenment. (Shiurim are more fun, now, anyway.)

No shiur, no vort, etc., was/is the real answer for me. Maybe for you, too? The beginning of the answer was acceptance of my total inability, attested to by my repeated failure, to use and control lust.

The failure is the only "shiur" many of us need. Then we finally become ready to do right, in a hurry. As it says in Brachos (Mishlei, really), "a hundred beratings (per rashi)/ beatings of the fool are not worth a single admission inside his own heart." It is hachno-oh that we need, not chochmoh. The chochmoh is probably already there...

Sorry to belabor a point we may just see differently. Perhaps the reason I am lot letting go is that it is dear to me. Maybe I am really just having difficulty surrendering and accepting that you have the right to an opinion! Sorry if that's it and I'll ask for help from you to knock it off. Hatzlocho -
Dov

Loynata, addiction is an illness, and the medicine required for recovery is working the tools of recovery, as written in the Handbooks.  Personally for me my illness had progressed to such a level that I needed to take a strong dose of medicine to get recovery.  I have heard mentioned at meetings how much does a person need to put into their program to get well, and was told to gauge it by my acting out.  I should put in as much time and effort into my recovery as I did into my acting out, and for me I put hours and hours of time and effort into my addiction, so consequently the first 15 tools were not enough to get me well on their own, I have to attend meetings and do therapy.  Even therapy on its own was not enough.  At the begining it can be hard to find the level that you require but if a person is honest with themselves and has the desire to get recovery they will start working the tools and increasing the dose till they acheive recovery.  As it so famously says in the AA Big Book:

"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average.

There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest".

To end, since I have started posting on the forum, my recovery has undergone a major overhaul, as I now practice the tools that I write about, I am so grateful that there is a forum where I can connect to recovery and help me in my Avodas Hashem.

Keep coming back .
Hatzlocho
London

First, let me explain the name.
I once read in some stupid magazine that if a guy says his favorite comic book hero is batman, then it means he is reserved, keeps his emotions to himself, but he has a strong sense of justice and it will take time to get him to open up in a relatioship, if you can even get him into one to begin with. It'll become clearer later on.


Anyway, here's my story:

I am 22, male. I come from a broken home. I was first exposed to porn at a young age, around 10 or 11. Mayber even 9. I honestly don't remember. I remember once in seventh grade someone brought some pages from a magazine to school and we looked at them, but I wasn't like the other guys who could just look at them, enjoy them and then forget about them. I enjoyed them, obviously. That's normal. But I also wanted to keep them. I wanted the girl to come to life out of the page and be mine. In short, I was obsessed. I latched onto it very strongly. That was a pattern that would repeat itself for years. I couldn't really understand why the other guys didn't like it as much as I did. I thought maybe I had reached a later stage of puberty than they had or that they might even be gay! I didn't understand until much later that my obsession was a serious problem. It did not really manifest itself badly until relatively recently.
I remember in high school I would spend all day looking at porn if I stayed home sick. Once I came home in the middle of the day to get something for school and I told myself I'd just sneek in a quick peek. I did, for maybe 5-10 minutes, but I was surprised when I ran into my stepfather on the driveway as I was going to leave. Apparently, he had left something as well! That was close call, and that's the first time I can remember almost getting into some major trouble with this.

You have to realize that in those days (only 5-6 years ago) internet technology was not nearly what it is today. I looked mostly at pictures, and I tried like hell to find free video. Back then it was mostly stuff you had to pay for. But now there are plenty of sites with streaming, high quality videos of anything you can imagine. Like Youtube for porn. That wasn't around back then so it's much easier to access now. Plus I have my own computer now. All I can say is thank G-d that stuff wasn't around back in high school or I would be even more messed up.

Why am I so obsessed with porn? Truth is, I don't even like it anymore. I've become so desensitized, that I don't even get aroused unless I stay away from it for 3-4 weeks at least. At this point, I'm basically addicted in the physiological sense. Neurologically, I am chemically dependant on it the way a crack addict needs crack to keep functioning, if you can call it that. I want to stop but I feel like I can't. The longest I've gone free, that I've counted, not counting my 2 years in Israel where I went clean for nearly 10 months straight (mostly because I had no choice), is only 42 days. My high school coach used to say it takes 21 days to break a habit. I'm betting that's just an average...

So why the addiction? I have no idea. Obviously it's strange for a normal male to not like porn at all, but it's strange to be addicted too.
I think a lot of it has to do with the way I grew up. I live with my mother and stepfather when I'm home, which isn't much these days. Maybe, just maybe my addiction is more than just a corruption of the normal male sex drive. It is also a corruption of the need for love and to be loved. It is a fleeting attempt to plug the hole in my heart where love goes. You see, when you grow up without ever being in a home with both of your birthparents, and without seeing or feeling any hint of affection between your parent(s) and stepparent(s) in the way they look at each other or speak to each other, without ever recieving positive words, encouragement, and warmth, or any kind of clear direction in life, and instead seeing your parents fight and yell at each other like children and recieveing negative criticism for everything you do, then you develop incompletely and awkwardly. You have no self esteem whatsoever. You hate the world. You hate yourself. Some people turn to drugs. Some just kill themselves. Others channel their rage into hard work towards breaking free of the chains of the home and eventually saying "look at me now, no thanks to you. I told you so.". And others turn to porn. I have chosen these last two.

Ever since I was old enough to understand how messed up my home was I wanted to break free from it. I am absolutely obsessed with being the best husband and father I can possibly be, because I know the pain and the suffering--the absolute hellish anguish--that comes with a broken marriage and a broken home. I don't want my kids to go through what I did. I don't want my wife to be unhappy the way my mother is. It's not her fault either. I want to be everything my stepfather isn't. I am mature enough for marriage, which has been on my mind lately, but there's at least one giant monkey wrench stopping the whole thing. First of all, I am absolutely terrified that this addiction will not be abated simply by getting married, and I'm sure it won't be. I fear that it will rise up again and challenge my marriage. But more fundamentally, living with this problem is living with a character duality. I appear to be a decent guy to most people. I'm not the frummest guy ever, but I try my best to be a good person and to avoid making enemies. People like me. I learned in Israel for two years after high school. I am intelligent, and I suppose I am at least moderately good looking and I keep myself in shape. So, on the surface I would appear to be an all around good guy and a "good catch". But I have this dark side that no one knows about. And that, combined with the way I grew up, makes it very hard for me to have any kind of normal relationship with people. I just don't open up people. I guess partly because I am inherently distrusting of them (upbringing) and partly because if I let people into my little world they may see me for what I really am. Of course, you can't live that way forever and eventually I'm going to crack. Secondly, how can I marry someone with all those images burned into my eyes and my brain? Won't it seriously detract from my relationship? It's like I will have an emotional relationship with one woman but a sexual relationship with hundreds (actually probably closer to thousands). How will I do it? I have never even kissed a girl nor had a girlfriend but at the same time it is as if I have been with thousands of them. What do I do?????!!! Would it be hypocritical to want to marry a virgin after all I've done? Wouldn't it be unfair to her in some ways?! There are many other issues that I need to address before I can even think about marriage, but this addiction is one that has broad reprecussions, with regards to marriage and many other aspects of my life. It is perhaps the most fundamental of them all. If I fix this, then it might be easier to fix the other problems. Maybe. But I won't talk about them here (if I do, people might find out who I am).


So after rambling like a madman (I am usually very terse), it comes this: I must stop this behavior. Rationally, I know it must be done. But there is a part of me that says no. And there is a part of me that wants to push me down that road, that ends with being on the other side of the camera (at least with regard to the general behavior, not necessarilly literally). But I know that is wrong and I know it won't do anything positive for me.




So, how do I start stopping?

Thank you Yosef Yaakov.

I appreciate the time you devoted to me in typing your reply. It feels good to know that someone cares. I will try and keep away from movies and television but as you know it is quite difficult especially since I am a ba'al teshuva and there is a tv where I stay. Also when I go out with my friends, sometimes we go to movies. Giving up movies entirely does mean that my social life will be diminished quite significantly. My friends are shomrei shabbos and some were with me in Yeshiva.

I messed up on Sunday quite badly but was ok yesterday and hopefully I will be ok today. I have described to Emes the way I want him to make me accountable. I need to justify the circumstances I have created for myself, was I alone? Did I have unlimited internet access? etc. Please G-d I will not fall soon. Although I do look forward to doing it again (as most addicts do, which is a feeling I wish I did not have) I will try my very best to ensure it does not happen. Hopefully ever again (but I doubt that!) 

This was a beatiful post, Guard.

Momo, you have to believe that if I am doing it, anybody can. If there is somebody who set on himself to suck the marrow of the pleasures that this world has to offer, and if there is somebody who was completely surrendered to the Y'H, this was me. I had tried  to stop 100's of times in the past without success. This time, I did something different. First, I spent a great deal of time reading most of the information provided in this site, and specially the FAQs and tips. Second and foremost, for the first time in my life I became DEAD SERIOUS about my shemiras einaym. I remember several months ago reading a letter in a Jewish magazine about somebody that was annoyed upon seeing that a house kept  pregnancy and diet magazines as "bathroom reading material". I laughed to myself wondering how could anybody be triggered by seeing pictures of women in these magazines. However, while I laughed, my addiction was out of control. I realized that even if the pictures themselves are not particularly terrible, just looking at them caused subconscious damage to my neshama and this in turn fed the Y'H. The solution for my was to STOP looking at anything femenine that I dont need to know about. Now, B'H, I will not look at any women in the street, whether she is beatiful or homely, fat or thin, old or young. I will not look at any of the pretty woman pictures that are constantly  being bombarded in the internet or newspaper. I will not look at the woman at the store counter and I could not care less what she thinks. Nothing. Zipo. And the reason this has worked is not because I am not being stimulated. I still have a memory and an imagination of gargantuan proportions.  There is kabbala concept that says:

ITARUSA D'LETATA, ITARUSA D'LEILA, which means that an awakening (and effort) from below (i.e. us) causes a reciprocation of an awakening from above (Hashem).

Momo, as the heilige day of Shavuos approaches, I wish you and everybody in this forum a Kabolas haTorah beSimcha u'bePenimyus.

i have associates in buisness in the goyish world that i chat with on yahoo. I can't get on groups in yahoo b'h cause i have jnet. I'm talking about other rooms which i got addicted . Of course i can write to a chatter that what you put down so nice yakovyosef if i'm healed sure .Its like Guardureyes wrote so beautifully "You aren't a bad person who wants to be good, you are an ill person who needs to get better. And to get better from an illness, you need to take the right medicine." I hope its that easy .I'm trying very hard.Im sure if i continue here HKB"H will helpme cause Haboah Letahar Mesayin Loi Min Hashomayim

What about when you're not in the right moods? You have to understand, this is an addiction, an illness. You aren't a bad person who wants to be good, you are an ill person who needs to get better. And to get better from an illness, you need to take the right medicine. All the chizuk in the world won't help for the long term without the RIGHT TECHNIQUES. So please read the GYE handbooks and learn the tools that WORK.

We are here for you to discuss it further, for as long as it takes.

#1. It's perfectly normal. See this PDF for descriptions of the withdrawal symptoms (even though it deals with SLAA addiction, it's similar to Lust addiction).

#2. Maybe Chizuk e-mail #278 on this page can help you deal with the anxiety and stress...

reb efshar
does this mean you are joining the wall .If yes I am so proud of you!!!

Y'H is running for the hills he just lost another client.
Yes this forum proves that y"h is suffering a recession.

please post away I will read all of the bl"n

Remeber Ohavie Hashem Sinu Raah.You are aOhev Hashem so it works both ways hHasem loves you as well.
You are creating new behavior patterns so it is normal to feel what you are feeling. Try to remeber how horrible you felt when you fed your addictiion.

This is something I wrote when I was 10 days clean It was the week before Pesach I  can put things in the right perspective,and bring asile to your face



h&h

bardichev

Hi! my dear friends.

B"H I'm happy to report that since I have joined the forum a week ago I'm doing pretty well in regard to watching my eye & the rest.

The problem I'm having thou is in the field of my nerves system.

I'm feeling very frustrated!

I don't know whee its coming from & it's hurting me deeply.

It might be related to work not getting done while I'm trying to focus on staying clean (being addicted to this site) or just the opposite, I'm frustrated for other unknown reasons and therefore I'm sticking to this forum to get out of my frustration.

I do have side issues that are bothering me, that are not connected to this addiction But I always had these side regular life pressures & I never felt this frustrated about them.

So if anyone has any incite on this please let me know.

#1 - is it common to get the blues like this after going clean?
#2 - how do i deal with it?

Thanks in Advance
Hashem Please Help Me!
Lechvoidcho V'Loi Lechvoidee

Dear Guard: Thank you very much for your kind words.  I have been aware of your site for a number of weeks, but only now have I registered.  I have read and benefitted from a great deal of the wonderful materials that you have to offer, including the newly published e-books.

How did I stay clean for the past 7 days?  On the first few days, by counting the hours, then by counting the days.  But always concentrating on being clean for one day at a time, and receiving Chizuk from your site.  I’ve been feeling better about myself each day, and appreciating my wife, who is far more beautiful than the forbidden images will ever be.

My filter is very good, especially since I’ve closed many of the serious loopholes.  The most serious loophole, which allows unfiltered access, only applies when I have a certain program installed.  Needless to say, I have uninstalled the program (and deleted the installation file).  I have called the problem to the attention of the filter company, and they said they would work on it.  To avoid causing anyone to stumble, R”L, I will refrain from stating which filter I use and which program currently overrides it.  [Update: March 2011 - I recently checked and this loophole has been fixed].

As for my request for volunteers to be extra careful in the merit of my community, I realized that I cannot expect anyone to take on more than one day at a time, which is all an addict is able to commit to.  If anyone commits to 24 hours of purity (or any amount of time) to provide merit to a Kehilah whose Sefer Torah fell yesterday, R”L, I will be deeply grateful.  Let me be the first to announce my commitment, b’li neder, for the next 24 hours, to continue my progress in Shmiras Einayim as a merit for my community.

Bracha v'Hatzlacha to all.

Dear Kedusha, Welcome to our community. (I did not receive your info for the Wall of Honor chart. Try sending again to wallohonor@gmail.com)

It seems that at the same time Hashem brought you to fall with that hole in your filter, he also helped you find our site. Zeh Le'umas Zeh.
I'm just curious, how and when did you find out about GYE?
And how did you manage to stay clean for the past 7 days even with the hole in the filter?

I highly suggest upgrading your filter to something more reliable, such as Jnet, koshernet or Rimon, if you are in Israel. See our filter section for more options.

Basically, it seems you've been going through this cycle of addiction for already some years... get up, fall, get up, fall. We could offer you lots of Chizuk, but it would last a few days and then wear off again. Instead, we want to help you in a way that will be much more effective and systematic. By reading the handbooks (see links below) and exploring what tools you've tried and which you haven't - we can work together and discuss it (along with the others on the forum) step by step, tool by tool. This will give us a clear "Framework" to work in, and will help us make progress slowly but surely for the long term - and not just some chizuk that will quickly wear off...

We are here for you and we will do our best to offer chizuk and help you along - for as long as it takes, but let's do it within a systematic framework so that the progress can be outlined and mapped, and you will finally be able to break free of this endless cycle of addiction... Do you agree?

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook
This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude
The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth...