Explain to me why I can't go in to thousands of other topics on this site and say this is triggering and cause the same firestorm?

This makes no sense, and frankly, smells of cancel culture seeping into our culture. One person makes a post, probably without thinking through the ramifications of it too much, and suddenly the whole story is on hold and we have a controversy?

I'm glad we had a healthy "conversation", now let's get back to reality. We're on a website for porn and lust addicts where we're encouraged to share our struggles with porn and lust, everything is inherently triggering, and that's that.

Fool wrote on 28 Feb 2021 16:26:

If only the fight would be over after 90 days! I don’t mean to be discouraging but I’m holding past 90 days and like Grant wrote the intensity is still there to slip. But maybe it is encouraging to know that even before 90 days you are struggling the same beast that someone who is holding at day 121. I’m not a different type of person than you just because I’m here. I also had to start with a single digit days and then double digits and I need to hold myself back from starting all over again. Hang in there. We’re here to fight!

Fool wrote on 28 Feb 2021 16:26:

Wow! Your resolve is amazing! I've definitely experienced the flatline where my normal triggers did not affect me. However, that was only the first week for me. I'm glad you're going into this prepared and not as naive (as me). Definitely rooting for you to make it!
Hatzlocha!

I don't want to discourage you chas"v, but after 90 the battles are the same. I had some of the hardest ones recently. The only difference is that you aren't the same person. You learn how to say no, fight, strategize, and battle smartly - but all in the face of THE SAME intensity levels.

If a person doesn't become complacent, and stays vigilant every minute, only then will he remain clean.

The only difference I feel, is that the battles aren't as often when being cognizant that you must never let down your guard.

I only say this, because I do not want you to work towards a goal, and feel discouraged when what you expected doesn't pan out. Go in with the correct mindset and find and find mighty success.

Thanks everyone for your kind words! I felt the name was pretty fitting due to the consistent foolish actions in this arena. I hope not to live up to it in the future.

My addiction became very severe before this clean period, to the point where I developed ED even while watching P. Unfortunately this did not immediately initiate rapid change, but I am using the fear that I'm broken to help fuel the change now.

Update:
My second week wasn't so bad. I went into a "flatline" for a few days starting on the 8th day and had zero libido. This made it fairly easy as my normal triggers didn't really affect me (I do my best to avoid them of course, but I do live in the modern world). I also got sick with a cold for a few days. Normally being sick is a big trigger, especially when I am in bed a lot. I use the dopamine rush to feel better. But this time I didn't even really feel that urge.

I know this period will not last, my libido is already starting to come back. From previous attempts I know it starts to get really hard after around 25 days. Last time I got to that point I had two days of incessant cravings, all day. My mind constantly convincing me that I had to fall, that I was falling, that I had basically already fell. It was perhaps the longest and most intensely painful experience I've ever had. I felt like I was being tortured. It used every tactic and I gave in in the end. 

This time will be different. I have done way more research and have started the activities I listed in my first post. I can tell that my thinking on  this topic is in a different place than it ever was before. This time feels more final. 

Based on my research and experience, the most difficult time for me will be from 25-60 days, with it starting to taper off at around day 40. So 15 days of max difficulty. That is a reasonable amount of time, I can do that. God willing it will be less than that, but if worse comes to worst I can do 15.

Based on everything I've read, here and on other sites, I know that the other side of 90 days is much easier. Sure, many people still fall after 90, but it is not due to the intense pain of day 25-40. There are other challenges after 90, and those do still require diligence, but the main addiction is already broken at that point, and relapse becomes less likely than at the early stages. 

I am going to stay on top of this and make this time count. I will not fail.

Each time we act out, we make it harder to heal from the addiction in the long term. Therefore, we must do everything in our power to break free of the vicious cycle now, by taking the necessary steps to break free. As long as we are still caught up in the cycle of addiction, we cannot begin to heal. And the nature of the addiction is such that we cannot think our way out, we need to act our way into a new pattern of thinking.

We must realize that the Yetzer Hara/addiction wants our soul, not the pleasure. Otherwise, why is a thousand times never enough? Keep this saying in mind: "Just once is too much; a thousand times is never enough." We cannot bargain with the addiction. Half measures ultimately amount to nothing. Isolated incidents of control are not significant when dealing with addiction, it’s the overall pattern. Staying stopped is the issue. We must realize that we were acting insane. It’s not sane to repeat self-destructive behaviors.

DavidT wrote on 24 Feb 2021 17:50:

Sadly there are no Jewish SMART meetings near me and I don't want to go to a non Jewish one.
I don't consider myself an addict (nor does my therapist) so I don't want to go to an SA 12 step meeting.

I looked at this part of the story in this way.

This is exactly how my porn habit works.

I had a bad day, I blame everyone else. I head off to my fantasy land where some people "truly love me". There's fireworks, passion and pleasure.

Until it's all over and the facade is lifted and I'm in a much worse place then I was before.I don't need you to write the next part of the story for me to already know moe's fantasy will not work out. I've lived it so many times (in my porn addiction) to know how it goes. It seems sweet in the beginning, but it turns bitter quick.

As someone here said, there is no bad situation that porn won't make worse.

So I appreciate the story, even where it's at because it really depicts the facade. 

There was a custom here for a while where people would write disclaimers "warning this may be triggering". That's the only thing I would say maybe should be added, but honestly, some peoples real stories on this forum are more triggering than this

jewregonnamakeit wrote on 22 Feb 2021 18:57:

I'll write you how SMART RECOVERY  considers relapses

A relapse (“lapse,” “slip,” “setback”) is one of the most frustrating, humiliating experiences you can face in recovery from any problem habit. It leaves you feeling guilty, ashamed and tempted to throw in the towel and just keep acting out on the addiction. Unfortunately, relapse is also common. According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, 40 to 60 percent of people who go through addiction treatment programs go on to slip at least once. In fact, many people have multiple setbacks before finally achieving a full recovery.

Think of relapse as a stepping stone. Instead of viewing your slip as a step backward, think of it as a progression on your road to recovery. Many people lapse or relapse, and if you think of each attempt at sobriety as a means of getting closer to your end goal — a lesson in your cumulative recovery learning, so to speak — this setback won’t be in vain.

Look on the bright side. A slip may feel like the end of the world, but really, it’s an opportunity for growth and reinforcing basic life skills that need more work. Many people emerge from relapse with a fresh scare regarding what they are up against, as well as a deeper commitment to becoming sober. This renewed motivation can help you come back from a relapse even stronger than you were before.

I would like to share my thoughts and experience on this matter. 

The first problem is that in the beginning when boys start having these desires, they don't know what it is and therefore don't know how to handle it, then it continues and can turn into an addiction and all different kinds of perverted ways. If a smart Rabbi is aware he can easily tell whihc boys are starting to struggle and can talk to them privatlye and explain a bit that this is someting tats normal but is better off left for latter in life and not to think too much about it, maybe give some ideas how to disctract themselfs, the  main thing is to teach them boys how dangerous this could be if taken the wrong path... 

Then there are kids with serious problems that will need professional help. but most kids can be saved by a smart and aware rabbi that knows a little bit about these issues. 

One thing is for sure, if we would do this, then there would be a lot less boys that grow up with SSA. Im 100% positive about that.  

I posted this 6 months ago on the Wall of Honor, and one of the users suggested I post it here; I really look forward to responses!

I am 18 years old; Ben yud ches l'chupah. It is just not fair! My desire is so great with no where to put it, and I have at least 3 years to go until I get married! I will not act out, and have not in a long time. In fact, I used to be immensely addicted, for a long time not able to go for more than a few days without acting out, and it was terrible. And now I am free and in control. For several years, I think from age 15 until shortly after my 18th birthday, he simply didn't bother me! And then RANDOMLY, I just totally spiral out of control shortly after my birthday this year, back to my old ways for a few months. I have gained my grips already for 4-5 months now; I know that I am free and in control if I choose to keep putting one foot in front of another. But what is a teen supposed to do? So great a desire, and nothing to do about it! Although I haven't acted out, and a few months ago I bought myself covenant eyes for all my devices, the urges don't just go away entirely. Once in a while, for a fleeting few moments, sometimes a full minute or two, I dwell on what I am lacking, and what I could have one day. And sometimes, things that I honestly have no business thinking about. But I always stay in control. A few moments ago I thought to myself, something along the lines of "The temptation is so great, and I have nothing to do about it for another few years, I should just go all in; I can't take it anymore!i Hashem knows how it is and he will understand." And then my mind went to the phrase in the kinnos "ubachurim b'beis zonah nimtza'im", and thought, "But really, how could you hold it against them? What are they supposed to do? It is quite a predicament. " It is indeed quite the fight. What is the proper outlook? I have asked several questions in this post, and would love to hear insights.

Update:
I have stayed clean since then, and I am 8 days away from level 10! Being 100% honest, I came here as a final destination before I was ready to throw in the towel. Seeing that I was 8 days away from leveling up gameified keeping up the fight, and I said to myself, "There is no way I can give up - I am 8 days from getting to the next level! 365 days straight!" Why that should logically matter to me beats me. Someone asked me on my last post if I realize how much nachas ruach I am giving to Hashem. I wish I could see it, but I am stuck in the mindset of "This is normal. There is nothing special about what I have done, nor the fight that I still fight - every single day. All of those pshatim I used to hear and see about how great it is are for people who are really stuck, not me." Unfortunately, the fight has not gone away. I still struggle with fleeting thoughts. Today (I am writing this motza'ei shabbos) during shachris and Mincha I had worse fleeting thoughts than I have had in a while. I almost never have them during davening, even less on shabbos, and even less with the length and intensity that they jumped on me today. It is quite a difficult battle which I struggle with almost every day, and which has been getting more and more intense as the days pass, and I win every single time. I found myself thinking today that if I just learned a lot of Torah with incredible ameilus, then the yetzer harah would go away. I was surprised to find a tiny tiny part of myself saying back, "But I don't want it to go away." I am so torn! I keep finding myself further torn by the thought that, on the one hand, I wish I was just married, and on the other, that I am glad I am not, because I don't have the middos that it takes to raise a family (e.g. punctuality, consistency, etc.) I am really happy in Yeshiva, but by the same token of being in Yeshiva, I cannot be married. What do I do?

Beautiful. Just beautiful.

This will definitely make it into the book, and I am sure it will inspire many people who may not know they are addicts until they read this and a light bulb suddenly goes off in their heads!

Thank G-d I've been clean each day for 24 years since I started attending Sexaholics Anonymous meetings in Adar of 1997. But five years before that (in 1992), I called Rabbi Twerski (from a payphone - anyone here remember those?) for help. Of course, the reason I 'bit the bullet' and made the call that particular day was because I had just made yet another round of self-destructive sexual choices (though they certainly didn't feel like 'choices', at the time!) that shocked myself, just a few minutes before...so I felt needed to make another frantic, spur-of-the-moment scream for help. The pain was terrible. And my call was filled with hope.

By that time ('92), I had been acting out with pornography, masturbation and other ways to get erotically high, for about 16 years, 6 of them, as a married guy learning, giving shiurim, and in school for a trade. By '92, I had opened up about (at least part of) my problem to 3 Rabbonim and 2 psychologists...all while succeeding at keeping nearly all my behaviors secret from my wife. Well, getting married obviously didn't help me because my behaviors only got worse over the last 4 or 5 years; the well-meaning Rabbonim and decent psychologists surely tried their best but I was still getting worse, not better. I was beginning to perceive that there really was nothing my wife, my Rabbonim, or therapists could possibly do to save me from myself and my terrible, secret problem. But I had remembered my Ace-in-the-hole, Rabbi Twerski!

By that time, I had already read a couple of his great books (Let Us Make Man, being my favorite) and was very impressed. I had also been listening to a "Daily Reflection on Recovery" phone line he had. I discovered the number scribbled on the wall in a yeshiva somewhere. So I called! Everyday he had another great, 1-minute message about addiction and recovery. Sometimes, I played his message over again because it was very meaningful. And at end of every message, his secretary Kim gave a plug for his latest book, given book. Her voice was very-sounding to me and even though I would occasionally play his messages over again, it was Kim's messages that I would play over, and over, sometimes even while in bed with my wife sleeping nearby...

And 20 years later, when I spent a couple of hours with Rabbi Twerski in his house in Teaneck, I told him all about Kim's part of his message! He laughed hard, and so did I! Addicts in recovery can laugh about our  old behaviors because we are now revealed to be "guilty but mostly stupid' in our efforts. I was never trying to be bad and we both knew it. I was just totally clueless at how to get by in life, and porn, sex, and schmitz were all I really trusted! It's not about whether it was right or wrong, good or bad...it was just a fact. My behavior proved without any doubt what my beliefs were. I wanted with my whole heart and neshoma to be good, but I obviously trusted erratic excitement more than anything else. I sacrificed so much for it, took so many risks, felt so bad and kept doing it anyway for so many years...that's devotion, that's trust. The Rabbi and I could laugh because we're "no longer afraid of the past and we don't shut the door on it" - and we can even laugh about it, at times. We know that we were just doing the best we could, at the time, with our (very) addled minds. Recovery involves lots of behavioral changes (no more lying, no more hiding, etc), but it also involves giving up seeing ourselves as the center of the universe, the narcissistic frum drama of it all...we can laugh again, even at our mistakes. And we can surrender Lust and Fantasy in a fellowship of other imperfect people doing the same.

By the way, the reason I was at Rabbi Twerski's house in Teaneck a couple of years ago was because we were discussing his book, "Teshuvah Through Recovery," that had about 20 pages of my posts on GYE.)

The way I got in touch with Rabbi Twerski in the first place, was only because this same  Kim would always mention that Dr Twerski worked out of the "Gateway Rehabilitation Venter in Aliquippa PA". I called 'information' from that payphone and asked for Aliquippa in Pennsylvania, eventually asking for the Gateway Rehabilitation center there, and then for Dr Twerski's office. And presto, there he was on the phone! I couldn't believe it. The cavalry was coming in, finally. 

Well, I described a great deal of my behaviors to him, there on the street, whispering from fear of the passersby. He told me I'd never get better on my own. At the time, he didn't really know much about Sexaholics Anonymous. It seems to me that at that time he still had not made up his mind whether lust addiction exists at all, or not. But he obviously heard the cyclical and progressive story I told about my behaviors he heard what I went through for 10 years, then for 6 years of marriage, and he understood why it didn't get better, only worse. He heard the same story all the alcoholics and drug addicts tell. And he told me that I had no real chance of success unless I registered myself into a rehab center for intensive therapy, or joined with a group of other people getting better from the same problem. (Later, he became a great friend of Sexaholics Anonymous and I was present in the crowd hearing him speak at Sexaholics Anonymous conferences, as a guest...but he didn't really know what address to send me to back in 1992.)

Well, I got off the phone after thanking him profusely...and went back to struggling with my phone sex, pornography, and masturbation for the next 5 years. Nothing had changed, at all.

I was caught by my wife in late 1995...that didn't stop me, either. I spent about a year with my fourth try with a therapist and even medication, but continued choosing lust and erotic adventure over real life; got worse, not better. I hit bottom in early 1997 and finally went to a bona fide sex addiction therapist. I told her my entire story without holding back anything and she knew how to get even more honesty out of me. And then she broke the bad news to me: she said she couldn't really help me because she can't really save any addicts. She told me that what I needed more than self-control, was self honesty. And that the only place I could learn self honesty was in a fellowship of other sober people getting better from the very same problem I had, myself. 

Rabbi Twerski's advice from 5 years earlier was finally acceptable to me. My own bankruptcy and behavior had convinced me to surrender. To finally give up trying to control this thing...because an addict like me is too ill to successfully use and control their drug. But we definitely can be free of it!

And even if using schmitz were somehow a great mitzvah, I would not be able to control it successfully and would be 100% patur from it. The point is that - unlike normal yidden (or gentiles) - I am just too ill to successfully control it. And Hashem knows that. For me it's not about kedusha, not about Teshuvah...it's about survival and being in life, for real...just like it is for alcoholics regarding alcohol. And when I said this to Rabbi Twerski, he responded, "Of course! What else could it be?!"

I thanked him for planting that seed in my head, even if at the time he didn't yet understand it fully, himself. We shared a hug, a tear, and a smile.

Shmuel wrote on 18 Feb 2021 19:50:

I think we should all enter the chinuch field. Whoever is capable enough and isn’t tied down by anything. That’s the only solution that’s coming to me...

Lizhensk wrote on 18 Feb 2021 14:42:

You make a VERY true point. 
However, if I may add. The conversation here may be less about placing blame and more about understanding what can be done so others don't have to go through what so many here are going through...