Hashem listens if we do our Hishtadlus. Instead of fighting the addiction head-on, learn the tricks of "getting a life" in a 12-Step group. Either join Duvid Chaim's phone groupor a live group in your area...

Dear needsomehelp,

I don't think I ever formally welcomed you  ;D, so here goes:

Welcome to our community, once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up, up, up!

Make sure to join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day, and post away on this forum. You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

We have a hotline on this page, where you can call and speak to someone with experience.

And we just started last week a 12-Step phone group that would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you turn your life around. PLEASE JOIN DUVID CHAIM'S daily group. You can see how to join 4 X a week at noon, by scrolling to the bottom of this page. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps - which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but joining the group will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are. This is VERY important.

Now, let me tell you a little about the two GuardYourEyes handbooks. They lay down the cornerstone and foundation of our work, and they make our network much more effective and helpful for people.

You see, until now, people would often get "lost" when coming to our website, not knowing what tips and techniques to try. For example, a beginner wouldn't jump straight into therapy or 12-Step groups, while on the other hand, someone whose addiction was more advanced wouldn't be helped by the standard tips of "making fences" putting in "filters" etc... So it was essential to develop a handbook which details all the techniques and tools to dealing with this addiction in progressive order. Now with these handbooks, anyone can read through and see what steps they've tried already, and if those steps haven't worked, they can continue on through the handbook where the steps become progressively more powerful and "addiction-oriented".

And the second handbook, called the "Attitude" handbook, can also help anyone, no matter what level of addiction they may have. Often people write in to us saying that had they only known the proper outlook & attitude that we try and share on the GuardYourEyes network when they were younger, they would have never fallen into an addiction in the first place! So we hope that through this handbook, many addictions will be prevented.

The handbooks are PDF files, set up as eBooks, and they have bookmarks and hyper-links in the Index, to make them easy to navigate.

Make sure to read them, they contain a wealth of information on beating this addiction! And I'd love to hear your feedback on them...

Note: You might want to print them out to read away from the computer. Keep in mind though, that if you do this, you won't be able to click on the many web links in the articles. But you can always come back to them later. The truth is, it's anyway good to go through the whole handbook once without clicking on links, just to get an overview of all the tools available. Once you did that, you can start again from tool #1 and read each tool through more carefully, click the links and study each technique and assess whether you have tried it fully yet or not...

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook
This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude
The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth...

Shomer, it's so good to hear from you! How are things going? I believe that all the people posting on this thread are in full agreement with you about this problem. What I was saying was that if you have your Emunah and Bitachon straight enough, it solves this problem completely.

Let me try to prove it to you: It's well known that there were many Gedolei Yisroel that held themselves to be from the low people of Klal Yisroel. Just as an ex. R' Tzvi Meir himself invests energy in Avodas Hashem in a way that's very difficult to imagine. His goals are also totally beyond our imagination. About ten years ago he said that he is the lowest person in all of Klal Yisroel. More recently I heard from him that every day he falls much lower and lower. Why do people like that not feel inadequate and get frustrated and depressed?

The answer is that all these negative emotions are based in דמיונות -delusions. If you have clear Emunah and Bitachon and understand that your life is totally in the hands of Hashem, and every second is given to you as a precious gift from Hashem for the sole purpose of fulfilling Ratzon Hashem in that second; if you understand that your whole essence is your "shlichus" of Hashem, then you can not possibly feel inadequate or get depressed or frustrated.  

The idea is is to set very high goals and NO expectations! {I'm just trying to give you the general idea, but really it's a whole discussion in itself}

Besides all this, I understood that Dov was talking to people that have been sober for quite a while.

yankel,
I feel your pain but like Guard said in the long run this is a blessing. I could tell you this first hand.  I was caught EIGHT years ago.  Unfortunately for me, six weeks after I was caught, I fell right back into it.  I do not have the time to explain the whole story.  If you are interested, you could read snippets of that story here.

It is definitely possible to repair your relationship with your wife.  When she recognizes your sincerity she will learn to respect you even more.  She will also learn to understand you more. 
A few pieces of advice:
1) As much as you could, show her how sincere you are.  Remind her that you try very hard to break free from this addiction.
2) Explain to her that temptations from women is normal for all men.  This has nothing to do with HER.  This is about YOUR problems.  She should not feel the need to take blame for this.  She is not lacking anything that you need. 
3) You mentioned that you showed her GYE.  Show her personal stories of people on this site that are "normal" just like you. This will ease the pain a bit knowing that it can happen to anyone and is happening to MANY frum yidden in the world. (Unfortunately for me, my therapist never told me or my wife that this sort of stuff happens.  He himself may not have known.  So as far as both me and my wife were concerned, I was the only one in this world with this problem.  It was not until years later when it became more public knowledge, was my wife able to understand me more.)
4) Have her speak to a therapist.  She needs to hear from a professional outsider that your addiction is not her fault.
5) The two of you should see a therapist together to help your marriage.  The more you can maximize,the better. Just beware.  When going to a therapist, stay focused.  There are three separate issues that need to be resolved, but yet depend on each other: a. Your addiction  b. Your wife's feelings  c. Your marriage.  When the issues are not focused, you may come out frustrated. If you read my post I describe this in a letter I wrotye to my therapist many years after seeing him.
6) And of course, make you show her extra love. 

I wish you and your wife the best of luck. 

just saw a pshat that relates to this, in the name of Metzudas Dovid  that the  the Kotsker said on this pshat it was worth that the  entire commentary on the whole Tnach just for this  commentary!!!


דאגה בלב-איש ישחנה ודבר טוב ישמחנה - משלי פרק יב
If a person has worry in his heart , he should lower the level (or degree) of the  the worry a few notches, meaning try to see why its not really such a BIG worry, why its not as bad as he thinks etc. (I know easier said then done )
ודבר טוב ישמחנה
BUT and even better approach is to actually rejoice in the worry! to find that if Hashem gave him this "worry" there is really cause to rejoice in it

(this is a lifetime of work maybe ;)or fast track it by going thru the steps)

I am certainly not an expert here, but setting high goals while still entrenched in the addiction does not seem like the most practical method of approaching sobriety.  What little I have learned in SA so far is that it is our very insistence on perfection, our lofty goals and our feelings of inadequacy for not being able to live up to our own high standards that drives us right back to our addictive behavior.  Perhaps setting high goals may be beneficial once we feel more comfortable with our sobriety, but I am just scared that setting high expectations from the beginning may lead to dissapointment for the newly recovering, an emotion that drives us right back where we came from.

Your thoughts everyone?

As for me, I like Dov's idea, but I need a little clarification. My main question is what do you mean "today" ? Does it mean as of today what is your goal (for life)? Or what is your goal for today?

Also to me, my goal in staying clean is synonomous with my goal in life in general. And one more point. I need to warn you that R' Tvi Meir taught me to set very high goals. When we have Emunah and Bitachon there's no danger of being dissapointed, so the higher the goals the better. [Also when you have Emunah nothing is unrealistic]

P.S. Chevra please give me feedback to reply #27. [Here or privately]

Its both and that's the vicious cycle of addiction. Furthermore, as Dov expained so well:




Zedonos na'asim zichuyos, Hahem gave this to us as a tool for growth because this is precisely the tool that we need. By coming to realize this, along with all the other yesodos, we are able to grow from it as we were meant to. As I said before, in practice we need to work on both at the same time. I believe everyone agrees on this (someone please correct me if I'm wrong).

Reb Boruch,
Thank you for the response. It is very nice to read what you have posted. For me, the face2face thing is a really big deal, particularly for newbies. If you would PM me to explain the details of how it actually works, I'd like that very much.

In response to your helpful 3rd or so post above,

"You wrote initially that for people who are hooked GYE is a double-edged sword. You suggested that such people would do better in SA and it would not negatively affect their Yiddishkeit."

Please help me keep very clear that I am not an expert. I state my opinion, based on my personal experience recovering and sponsoring since Hashem sent me to SA. When I say personal experience I do not mean to imply that "since I experienced it myself, trust me - it's true." Rather, I mean that my experience is really all I dare to share with you. It is actually quite weak in a respect, because I may have no logical proofs to suppport it with! Nu. I believe Chuck C (and as implied in AA) is right in that when we set ourselves up as experts - no matter how altruistically - we gain an ego and lose our sobriety. I'll pass there, of course.
The flipside of that is that I am very certain that what I have experienced is real. The only question is: what does that have to do with anybody else? That, I do not know for sure and that is where Hashem comes in. All I can do is share it when I think it can be helpful.

I have also learned that when I intend to honestly share my experience, some people (not you) misunderstand and come off sure that I am telling them what is good or will work for them. I guess that can happen for two reasons:
First, I did not phrase it right or got carried away, taking myself too seriously in the moment or getting too passionate about the issue; or second, because they are simply used to "telling" and have little or no experience at "sharing". I have met many sponsors (and even sponsees) who do not share, but "tell". Some seem to do OK, but it's just not the way I was introduced to in recovery. It doesn't even register with these fellows that this guy may actually be just saying what works for him, and not telling them that they are "wrong and better come around, or else."

If I wrote to you above that GYE is inherently a double-edged sword, I was wrong. I do not have the posts here to check, but what I was trying to say was that I believe that there is a genuine risk of danger in GYE alone, as I hope I explained clearly. I wholeheartedly agree with you that there are real risks in just SA, as well. I tried to explain the cheshbon to the best of my ability. I assume GYE has helped many yidden get saved from deeper trouble with lust. For me, a frum man who is addicted and hopeless, even in recovery, I believe it is different. An approach that does not involve actually meeting with other recovering addicts, that is based on the same Torah ideas I was already comfortable with and wished I was keeping would have been highly atractive to me 12 years ago. Maybe it would have worked. I believe strongly that
1-shifting my focus from the Torah or philosophy, onto myself and how to effectively do that; and
2-having to actually face other real people in recovery (pun intended) to make it all realexperientially and not just another "concept", were both indispensible for my recovery, and still are. I would venture to say that you feel the same way. No?

All the best to you! And a great Shabbos to all!

I had a thought today while I was driving behind a National Guard Humvee -
Every nation has their National Guard
WE THE HOLY  NATION OF ISRAEL HAVE DER HEILEGA GENERAL RABEINU GUARD :D :D and the Holy CHEVRA on GUARD YOUR EYES all the SPECIAL FORCES members of the GUARDany brigade :D :D :D
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I agree 100% that we need both. But the biggest and most powerful - overall approach is exactly what Rav Tzvi Meyter said, that everything is from Hashem and I have exactly what I need...




Please consider if it is really the addiction that causes the stress, or is it perhaps our stress that is causing the addiction? By stress I mean feelings like "I" have to make sure that "I" am in control of my external environment, instead of focusing on my internal environment and leaving the external environment completely for Hashem to take care of... Because when we do that, there is no stress and then the obsessions of the addictions disappear magically as well!




Agreed!

thanks Mr.B. D. Chev for your call. I am back again. During this season I  i am not so often by my computer. The main temptation now is in the street. Have any of you noticed that if one is not careful with his eyes in the street they start to hurt? I mean it. It isn't a real pain just that they are not comfortable. it's a real feeling. Just like when you leave the mikva you feel a special type of cleanliness the eyes feel an opposite type of impurity when they start roving around too much. I lost count of how many days i am clean, boruch Hashem, but having been away from the computer has helped me feel good about myself vis a vis  the tempation. i also adjusted the filter another notch with some one else with me when we got the password. i then deleted it and threw it away. its a nice and safe feeling. I haven''t been reading the forum lately so i guess i have to be updated how everyone is doing. I just want to relate that recently I had the urge to take a second look at a prutzah that went by and I remembered the Chizuk about making a million dollars and it really helped. Waitng to hear from everyone as i make my journey to be addictive free.

Rabbeinu, it's great that you brought this up. When a person has real Emunah there's no place for any of the negative emotions that lead to acting out. There's also no place for the y"h.

This was probably the main factor in the very dramatic effect that R' Tzadok Hacohen's seforim had on my life. It was definitely the main factor in the dramatic effect that R' Tzvi Meir had on my life. This is what I was referring to when I said that each time I fell I bounced back up as a bigger and better person than before.

This is what it means to develop an intimate relationship with Hashem; to live with Hashem all the time. As R' Tzvi Meir always says: We always need to remember two things שהכל נהיה בדברו and שעשה לי כל צרכי  Everything is from Hashem and everything is exactly what I need. I could go on and on non-stop about this. Actually before the whole tumult started I was planning on doing a big discussion on Emunah. Also I had started working on a book called Emunah and Kedusha.

I just want to point out two things.

1) The difference between an addict and a non-addict is that (in general) the addiction causes much more stress than anything else. That's why it's so important to work on getting rid of that stress specifically (that's why we all agree how crucial it is to brake the cycle), while at the same time working on Emunah in general. Having the right perspective on milchemes hayetzer does wonders for that. [That's an understatement]

2) Being that acquiring Emunah is a lifetime project with constant ups and downs, we also need practical tools for avoiding trouble. Those are the tools that I was reffering to.

Great, if Dov is on board I feel already confident. As is known, even the great Chassid masters had their own Rebbe who they traveled to, not that I am a Rebbe or anything, but some people consider me "rabbeinu Guard". But I consider Dov my Rebbe.

I need to make something clear befor we begin. Battleworn wrote in his original post:

The Torah approach is (5) to make use of any tool that can be effective.

And he (told me that he) had in mind the 12-Steps. But I think that the Torah approach we develop should not just use the 12-Steps as a TOOL, but rather should use the underlying message of the 12-Steps as one of the main yesodos for the entire program. What do I mean? Although the yesodos that Battleworn mentioned in a-z are very important to know, they focus a lot on the "struggle" and how precious it is, and how that's our "mission" and how much Nachas Ruach Hashem has from the struggle, etc... However, as I have joined Duvid Chaim's phone group for the last few days and started learning a little bit more about how the 12-Steps work, I am learning the Yesod that makes them so powerful is that we learn to ignore the struggle with the addiction, and instead we focus on how to be always "same'ach bechelko", always feel Hashem's chesed to us every second, we learn "acceptance" of everything that happens to us as EXACTLY what was supposed to happen now, we learn to let go of "being in control" of life and seeing Hashem as the one who controls everything that happens, etc... and through this, all the stress, anxiety and ego fall away, and we learn how to be content in life and live with an awareness of Hashem to the point where we don't need to reach for our drug anymore ... I think Battleworn may have meant this in the last part of his beautiful first post where he talks about developing an intimate relationship with Hashem... The reason the 12-Steps work for addicts, is because the focus is not on the "struggle", but rather on what is causing us to seek these things in the first place. When we are content and truly sameach bechelko, the yetzer Hara has no where to grab onto. The whole Koach of the yetzer Hara is built out of "LACK". As the Zohar says "hav Hav"... give, give... "I need", "I don't have what I need"... etc... (as we brought in the past few Shmiras Ainayim Chizuk e-mails from the book by Rebbetzin Heller called "Battle Plans", that she brings this Yesod from the Maharal).

"The struggle with the YH" is for normal people - and it truly gives Hashem a great Nachas Ruach. But for "addicts", something is WRONG with our struggle. Something is making the struggle TOO POWERFUL. We are NEEDING these things WAY TOO MUCH. There's an engine mal-function somewhere deep down that needs to be fixed. Hashem wants us to fix that first. When we fix that, THEN he has Nachas Ruach, but not if we keep struggling with a grossly damaged engine. (Here's a Moshol I just thought of, which is probably way off base, but maybe it makes a little sense.... If you saw your child trying to balance themselves on a ball, and the child was struggling to succeed, you would cheer him on and tell him he's doing great! But what if the ball was out of air and kept flopping every time the kid tried to stand on it. Would you cheer him on and tell him to try harder and harder? No, you'd tell him: "before trying to balance on the ball, fill it up with air!")

I think this is a profound way of looking at it... Please don't take it as a disagreement, rather as a whole new perspective, a different focus in our mission (the mission of addicts) in this world. We need to focus our mission on complete Emunah and Bitachon and living with hashem (d'veikus), as opposed to a mission of fighting the yetzer Hara. Both are truly emes, and both are d'var Hashem, but for addicts, it seems the second approach has proven itself with millions of people, that that is what work best.

So what does everyone say? Although all the things Battleworn posted are extremely valuable as well, I think a large part of our "Torah approach" should ALSO focus around this attitude of learning to be "content" and not have to reach for the "drug". And we do this through learning true Emunah and Bitachon. Ba Chavakuk, ve'hemidan al achas: "Tzadik Be'emunaso Yichyeh"

Dear Chevra -
"Even moasu habonim - huysa lerosh pinah"
Dovid hamelech refers to himself here. He was despised by so many, and precious few (including himself) thought he'd amount to anything. This helped him learn "leis lei migarmei klum". He chose to maintain that midah his whole life no matter what the success. Ironically, this was precisely the way Hashem helped him bring the midah of Malchus (leis lei...) to actually function in our world.

Addicts are perceived as quite low in society. It is funny how these days being sober in AA is almost something you'd put on your resume! Not so with lust addiction! It just isn't respectable...perhaps it should remain so. It helps us feel more like young Dovid hamelech felt...

Nevertheless, Hashem has elevated us to stay clean, through whatever derech He helped us find, as described in our posts - machlokes included. (and berdichever helps keep the elevation going!)

If we can all work together to share what we have experienced and make our experience strength and hope available to others I'd like to be part of that, please. Our experiences are different, but R' Guard has written that our goal is the same. Getting comfortable with the fact that we will each need to maintain our integrity to maintain our usefulness may not come easy.  For example, AA has 12 traditions they learned - all the hard way. They had terrible problems in the first years but matured and emerged into a recovery movement that has helped millions, including many of us. It is perhaps time that this occurs as a movement among yidden, rather than a "one-man-show" in R' Twersky.

Two suggestions:
1- let us each think and PM eachother what our personal goal in sobriety/staying clean really is, for ourselves today
..and even if they come out to be slightly different:
2- let each contributor agree on what makes us similar and make that clear in writing, for ourselves, and perhaps as a JA (jewish addicts) motto. I think these are a good basis for working together. What do you think?
May Hashem help us remain clean today and be close supports to each other first, and then to the rest of the needy of klal yisroel.
with respect, hope and love,
Dov