Hi Mr. Hakol Hevel. I just binge read your entire thread. All 18 pages. It's been an intriguing read, coloring your journey over 3+ years. I followed your internal debate regarding whether or not you consider yourself an addict. Deciding if the 12 step program and SA is what you really need to commit to. 

So here we are, April 18 of 2021. My dear friend, where do you currently stand in regards to what steps you need to take to set yourself up for success in kicking this way of life to the curb?

Looking forward to hearing from youReachstars, a recently surrendered addict.

I come here to unload my feelings on how I continue to have porn addiction ......full blown ......I can't get away sometimes .......I dont m********* but there is still effects from the porn usage .......

Today it started to dawn on me the sheer impact the negative that porn usage unleashes in the form of my feelings of anxiety, how my mental capacity and accompanying issues are probably affected by that usage as brought down by various jewish leaders in commentaries throughout the millenia 

And how much chesed we are given to live in a world where often a person with diminished capabilities can rely on assistance so that they might focus on getting out of the muck 

And tthe fact that my feelings on. This are amplified by the same forces that I am involved in with my usage 

Meaning its all the sasame smoke 

One of the biggest steps is getting past the stage of being grossed out and depressed about our bad habits and recognizing how the bad habits we have or have become addicted to fill a real need and are often great at creating a short term solution. They are often excellent at providing that short term fix which is why we use them even though we intellectually recognize how bad they are and have potential serious consequences outside of any question of spiritual punishment. In fact, what often (not a professional just my thoughts) separates the minor users from more addicted is the whole that is being filled. If one has a minor need for stress relief or intimacy then minor use fills the role. If one has more significant holes they get a more serious appetite. Your wanting to have a personal connection and having a more advanced relationship with women who offer kinds words, put on a smile, and want to “help” is of course forbidden and all that jazz but it clearly has its elements in things that aren’t bad. Wanting to have close relationship as well as have intimacy which is essential for anyone but especially a lofty neshama who wants to desperately cling both to Hashem as well as to a wife. In fact that is the mashal that Shlomo Hamelech often uses in both Shir Hashirim and Mishlei. Our desire for a sex and intimacy isn’t some gross thing, it’s the Yesod of life that Hashem has made the world - it’s very foundation is the release during intimacy. No other way any of us would be around. This is why the aveira (again just my views of a regular guy) is bad not because its gross or weird or other negative things but rather because it destroys our proper sense and real desire for the real intimacy our souls so long for and cry out. When we have a problem in this we are in the hands of the wrong lover. We need to go into the embrace of Hashem. However that connection we formed is strong and tempting specifically because it provided the allure of what we really do need and desire.

Stop feeling bad, stop being depressed. Figure out the foundation of the problem and work from there. Thanks for sharing your struggles, I assure you are not alone and your idea that it  isn’t gross, isn’t gross at all. 

Hi my heart goes out to you yes regarding actors i know exactly what you mean but what are you thinking about sleeping with them? Why would you want to sleep with someone who has been with so many men? Remember the reason why they are interacting is because of business its no way a real relationship. It's fake you are interacting with that person to fulfil one thing... LUST. You should know sex in real life is nothing like what you see in those videos its a different experiance entirely. Regrettably the internet has fuelled a generation which view women as 'play things' and guess what this addiction doesnt get better it only gets worse unless you work on it.

Porn did not gross me out ... i was enjoying it way too much so i iunderstand where your coming from but after a clean period you do actually regret all the watching and all the mzl because in the end it was a form of escape from the real world, magical, curiousity, release anger but ultimately it broke off my relationship with HaShem by not keeping to the covenant of Avraham Aveinu.

Maybe find out how many actresses commit suicide? Or on drugs? How are they abused? They are someone daughter or grandaughter! How do their family feel about what they are doing???

This is not the Jewish world! The sin of zenus with the daughters of moab? Why this sin? Because its powerful!!! Soo powerful that they would serve avodah zara afterwards.

The choice is yours do you want a relationship with a girl who in it for money/business. Or do you want a relationship with Aveinu Shabashamayim. And NO just because we keep shabbos and kashrus and lets say learn a few hours a day ... doesn't cancel this huge sin shmiras habris is way way up there... what do you think we have a bris? Because its the biggest physical pleasure but even that we have to guard and it's not enough just having a bris.... we need to GUARD it as well.

Its up to you.. ok so your honest with yourself thats the first step ... now what are you going to do? Are you going to give in or make a stand? Remember the one thing in life which we can't pause is TIME and if you commit to 90 days and 'there is a fall' dont worry... you simply get up again until you bezrat HaShem succeed.

Be strong and much hatzlacha!!

ihadstringsbutnowimfree wrote on 14 Apr 2021 21:49:

Welcome IHSBNIF to gye!

Do you have a mentor?
It's vital to have someone to talk to, to guide you etc. Loneliness is terrible and makes the addiction (and all I think) 100X worse.
Please reach out to people. I'd reccomend. R' HHM. I can give you his number if you want. He has helped countless people on here. 

Thank you all for the חיזוק.

I had a fall last night so I’m back at 0. It’s really tough. I’m not sure there’s a person in my offline life that knows what I’m going through. I know there isn’t a person in my life that knows what I’m going through. I’m less concerned with the double life I’m living— although that does bother me sometimes. I’m more concerned with how my loneliness in all this makes me feel. I honestly think that I’m at it alone, and I’ll always be at it alone. And I’m somehow uniquely entrenched in this addiction. Those were the feelings I had last night when I fell.

I’m new to this forum. I’m not sure how it’ll help me. Whether in terms of my streak, or making me feel like there are others like me (even if it doesn’t help me keep my streak up.) 

Aside from free association, I guess my point is, I feel like I’m at a loss right now. I’ve lost confidence in myself and the tools available. I’m posting to the forum because I know it’s what I should do.

I know intellectually that what I’m saying is wrong. That even if I fall who knows how many more times, it’s more about the day to day life than the streak, the getting back up and the incremental successes. And that there is success in the 6 days I just had, and there is succes in me even trying. But it’s just all disappointing emotionally.

The short of it all: I’m looking for חיזוק.

Can't believe I missed this discussion when it happened.

To add in my two cents - I don't think relying on a smart rabbi to speak privately to bachurim will help as you need to have a really perceptive rebbi and there are really not many of those (I personally don't know any who would qualify). I don't think that was the intention of the person who said it just wanted to point that out.

Ive thought a lot about my future of being a parent (currently a bochur) and thinking that there will be no television and no smartphone/computer access until absolutely necessary. Is that crazy? Society says yes but realize they managed without these things until 30 years ago, I'm sure we can manage too. Even before I started really struggling I thought they were a waste of time but now I realize that they are that but also teach stuff to your children that should not be taught - has a bad influence.

I was just reading "Dear Rabbi Dear Doctor" (Rabbi Twerski) and the TV idea came up and he discussed it so this was on my mind. To expound on what I said before if you sit a kid in front of a TV/electronics for 8-10 hours a day you have allowed the electronics to take your place as an educator. 4-7 hours and its still a very harmful influence that will likely at the least turn into an addiction to technology which causes all sorts of problems (I know soooooo many people that literally cannot look up from their phone! At the table in the beis in the bathroom in bed while moving around etc.) 1-3 hours you can make an argument for to give the parent a break but its just so harmful the things that come up come up with a better activity. Play a board game or a sport or a puzzle or read a book or play an instrument or something. Also Youtube is interchangeable with television if not worse. 

Obviously I may be hopelessly naive because I am yet to be a parent. I just know in my family in particular and the problems we are going through if I asked my parents if 20 years back they could decide to have no electronics in the house and give everyone kosher phones I can't guarantee they would say yes (because they themselves are heavily dependent) but they would at least consider it because of all the trouble we have gone through.

I think mzl/porn was always an issue (maybe porn less so) but theres a reason that theres so many people affected now that its been dubbed "The battle of the generation" and thats because of the devices. So why follow society? Just because everyone else does it? Absolutely ridiculous! I'm not saying this would get rid of the issue altogether but at least bring it down to a scale where its less people scarred from seeing things no one should have to see. Its one thing to see an innapropriately dressed woman on the street or a sign or banner or whatever but another to see images intended to arouse. 

I personally aspire to go into chinuch (I love learning Torah and theres so many areas that I felt lacking in my education, first and foremost Simchas Hatorah and the passion that should come with it but instead it didn't feel different than math or biology or you name it - just a regular class with tests etc.) and definitely plan on addressing this issue

Shower640am wrote on 11 Apr 2021 20:27:

https://guardyoureyes.com/the-gye-program/the-30-principles/9-principles-for-addiction/item/principle-4-hitting-bottom-while-still-on-top?category_id=280

It's very important to be ready to accept your problem and begin to live in the solution, by exploring the methods that really work. In cases of advanced addictions, it will almost never help to simply try “harder” to fight the Yetzer Hara, to learn moremussar, or make ever more resolutions . With advanced addictions, there are methods that don’t work, and then there are tried-and-proven methods that dowork.

It's never to late to start true recovery, as long as you don't give up, you have hope. 

49 Days in and I had a fall. Back to square 1.

Just kidding! I made a ton of progress in 49 days. This is the longest I was ever clean. I went through some very triggering times and managed to deal with them and stay clean. I have learned a lot and found lots of tools that worked. I feel by getting to 49 days I broke a barrier in my mind. I feel that doing it again will be easy (of course not easy easy, but easier than the first time). I know it's possible for me to do and I will use the knowledge and skills I have developed and acquired to do it again and do it better and do it for longer. 

So what went wrong? I've pinpointed a couple of items.
1. No filter. I felt that not having filters was important for my early recovery. I was deep in my addiction and needed to be totally focused to quit. Having filters would have just created a challenge for myself and I know from pervious experience that if I decided to relapse I would have done it no matter what. I would have driven to a 24 hour Walmart and bought a new phone, and I would have felt amazing the entire time I was doing it. I always knew that I would need to get filters later on, when I inevitably (and desirably) became less focused on recovery and could get accidently triggered. I thought it would be after 90 days but I should have gotten filters around day 40. I do not regret the decision to not have a filter, I feel it was the right thing to do at the time and would do it again. I only made a mistake of when I decided to implement it. 
The way I failed is because I ended up wanting to just see what is new out there. I have specific things/people I follow and I knew that there would be a huge load of new content. I just wanted to look and see what's there. This is obviously a passing fancy and I had it many many times throughout 49 days and was able to fight it. The problem here is that I did start to move on a bit and lose focus on recovery (which is good, I want to live my life) but the stuff was only a couple of tiny thumb movements away. I convinced myself to look and it was just too easy to do so. Plus all of the weight of knowing it's so close and choosing constantly not to look added up and I failed. 
This time through I will get a filter right from the start. I am not in the same place I was in last time and I feel the main physical addiction has been largely eliminated. I can use the filter properly, to avoid passing triggers or fancies. It also takes a little weight off my head in that it's not just a few thumb taps away and I would have to take much bigger action, which will be easier for me to prevent. I feel good about having a filter this time, whereas last time I knew it would not be positive at the beginning.
[I know most people here do not agree with me on the no filter thing. This is my assessment of myself, not a suggestion for others]

2. Lack of other positive changes in my life. This time I was totally focused on just not looking at P. Any time I felt bad because I was doing poorly in other areas, I'd focus on how the only goal for the near future was to not watch P. This made the challenge huge and hard and one of my only focuses in life. Which is certainly important when trying to break such a strong, long term, and deeply engrained addiction, but may be detrimental if left that way for too long. I had little to think about during the boring times, when all I could do was think. I'd just contemplate the recovery and while that was good for a while it got old and frustrating. While this all worked well for 49 days(!), it is not sustainable for the long term. 
This time I will focus more on challenging myself and adding new and engaging activities. New hobbies, new skills, continue to develop professionally, new studies. I will not allow myself to be complacent and only focus on recovery. 

​Important things that worked well last time:
1. Guarding my eyes - this one can't be stressed enough. Being ever vigilant made the whole process so much easier. The less lustful content I allowed to enter my mind the easier it was to never think about it and the easier it made it to avoid it. Plus the act of looking away, or thinking away, built important self control muscles and helped keep me focused, aware, and in control.
2. Exercise - quitting this addiction left me feeling pent up and frustrated very often. And sometimes down. Exercise helps relieve all these feelings while also making me feel like I accomplished something. I'd save the frustration up and then go on a difficult run to relieve it.
3. Meditation - so important for keeping me grounded and in control of my mind. It takes away a lot of negative thoughts and trains me to learn how to accept and let other thoughts and feelings go. Often times I fail because of the building tension and meditation allows me to address that tension in a productive manner, deal with it and let it go. Last time I allowed myself to be pretty lazy with it and gave myself a lot of slack but this time I am fully committed to doing it every day (and not leaving it till last minute).
4. GYE + others - reading the material on this board and others made me much more well equipped to deal with the challenges. Also, any time I felt down or like I couldn't make it, I'd read this website and others to see how others were doing or did and it would give me strength. It is comforting and empowering to know that I am not alone or unique in my struggles.

I'm going to come on here to try and post my progress in this journey to 90 days and beyond. 

Well I yesterday was definitely not an easier day like I was hoping. I feel like my brain is starved for some stimulation and keeps coming back to me to say go look go look go look. If there was ever any doubt in my mind that this is an addiction I think yesterday can completely disprove that.
I know that really I don't want to look and that there are many reasons why I shouldn't give in. But at the time yesterday if you would of asked me to be completely honest I feel like I would of said I don't care anymore I just want to go and do it.
​I will end off today with a short tefilla for myself that Hashem should please help me that I should not have such strong desires today. 

My point was that there are real programs and methodologies that do wonders for the most sexually addicted people out there.
Yes, we naturally want, but there is a way to go about learning to live life instead of being consumed by this terrible addiction.

Pure123 wrote on 08 Apr 2021 00:17:

I agree with you personally but how can those needs be met if one is not married? Sometimes reading these pages I think to myself maybe the problem is really a shidduch crisis, not a sex addiction crisis...

There ae many forms of addiction and they are all difficult to break. 

There are experts that say that sex and food addictions are the most difficult because they are both connected to survival and we naturally desire them.