MBJ wrote:

“When Rav and R. Nachman would go on a long distance trip, they married wives on their travels.

Asks the gemara - Don’t they need to wait seven days from the engagement before marital relations?

Answer (#2) This whole arrangement was only for Yichud so as to create a Pas besalo scenario [Yoma 18b]

It’s clear from this that Pas besalo means - The man has “bread in the basket” which may be accessible 7 days later, but not necessarily that sex is available today AT ALL.

MBJ, i hope this shakes you out of hiding, it’s been a long time bro...

Wish I had a magical wand. Hang in there. In the meantime I came across this post this evening, and thought it might be relevant. 

Either way, be well
Dov wrote on 20 Dec 2012 03:12:

Lakewood daf yomi/Daf by Sruly - excellent hobby, highly addictive, no shmiras einayim issues.
May cause slight anxiety if you start falling behind.
My advice: skip to wherever he's up to and enjoy the show.
www.lakewooddafyomi.com/
Also on Torah anytime (under Rabbi Sruly Bornstein), vimeo, whatsapp, and more.

Hi
Did you try SMART recovery tools yet?

1-  Change-Plan worksheet, identify steps you can take toward your goal (envisioned future) and consider people who can help you get there. Create strategies to help you progress and identify signs that show you’re making progress. If a strategy doesn’t work, don’t give up; use it as an opportunity to try something different.

You may also use this tool as a problem-solving worksheet because it can help you break large problems into smaller steps to focus your efforts so that you don’t get overwhelmed.

2- Coping with Urges

Identifying your triggers is an important part of your recovery. Awareness gives you the power to understand and deal with urges; however, even with awareness and planning, you will experience urges. It’s a normal and natural part of recovery.

An awareness and understanding of urges is crucial to recovery. You identified what triggers them, but do you know how long they last? How intense they are? How frequent? Most people with addictive behaviors don’t realize that urges usually last only seconds to minutes and then pass.

One way to understand your urges is by recording them in an urge log.

An urge log is a table in which you record specific information about your urges. After a few entries, you may notice patterns and similarities about your urges. The log then becomes a road map that will help you anticipate situations and emotions that may trigger urges. You also may notice certain thought patterns associated with your urges, which are helpful in self-management and problem solving

berel2 wrote on 05 May 2021 16:34:

I'm just subscribing to this thread. And welcome to GYE!

For the benefit of anyone who just has 30 seconds to find out who Stanton Peele is, the following is from wikipedia:

He began his critique of standard notions of addiction when he published Love and Addiction (coauthored with Archie Brodsky).[7] According to Peele's experiential/environmental approach, addictions are negative patterns of behavior that result from an over-attachment people form to experiences generated from a range of involvements. He contends that most people experience addiction to some degree at least for periods of time during their lives. He does not view addictions as medical problems but as "problems of life" that most people overcome. The failure to do so is the exception rather than the rule, he argues.[8]

When it was published in 1975, Love and Addiction pre-dated by almost a decade the notion of sex addiction and codependency popularized by authors such as Patrick Carnes, whose Out of the Shadows, one of the earliest popular books to describe sex addiction, came out in 1983, and Melody Beattie, whose Codependent No More was published in 1986. Love and Addiction pre-dated the current popular use of the terms "sex addiction" and "codependency" to describe disorders of love attachment, as these terms were not part of Peele and Brodsky's nomenclature. However, because Love and Addiction was concerned with observing the same condition of addictive human attachments, it has been argued that this is the first book to be written on the subject of codependent relationships.[9]

In a co-authored book, Resisting 12 Step Coercion (2001), Peele outlined his case against court mandated attendance of twelve-step drug and alcohol treatment programs. He argued that these treatment programs are useless and sometimes harmful, he presented research on alternative treatment options, and accused some addiction providers of routine violation of standard medical ethics, an accusation that is likewise often leveled at Peele[13]

easy wrote on 04 May 2021 11:58:

Have you been diagnosed with ADHD or something similar? If you have, I would expect that a doctor would recommend medication unless you express a strong adversity to it.

yes to 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 7
no for the rest

keep in mind I'm not married

I would also classify myself as someone with a "bad habit" as opposed to an "addict"

so why isnt this suggested by a therapist when you go see him and talk about addiction.
i have seen three therapist before this one, one of them an addiction "specialist" and none of them have suggested this.

Reachstars wrote on 19 Apr 2021 15:15:

Thanks for your prodding. 

I have come to realize that although I can reach a certain plateau, I'm stuck there, and so I'm taking it up a step and joining dovs desperados. If anyone is thinking of joining he's starting a new cycle this week

hiddenrose wrote on 03 May 2021 02:02:

Wow, sounds like you did have it rough.
as your anonymous name suggest, there is a rose amongst the thorns.

vent away and share to your hearts desires.
We are all family here.

wishing you much success!

(Pro tip- for some reason if you write a long reply or post when you click submit it might not be posted and your post is lost. To make sure you don't lose your post just copy the text just in case)

B"H,
Hi everyone. On this forum, I'll be going by "H" (not related to my name, but my username), and I wanted to have a journey log for my 90 days. Today is my first day clean.

I've already typed out most of my story and how I got here on my introduction forum. It's been a really, really rough journey for me, and happened rather unexpectedly. EDIT: Somehow forgot to specify exactly what I'm battling, though it's touched on a bit on my intro post. I'm fighting what feels like a real addiction to both porn and masturbation; it's become a daily (or, on bad days, multiple-times-a-day) nuisance, to the point of being unable to relax, or sometimes unable to even sleep. I need to take control of my life.

This isn't my first trip down the 90 path; when I was a young teen, I struggled a lot with self-harm and self-abuse. I went down that path alone because I was too scared to tell anyone. It's been over 4 years since I last fell on that path, and that feels good. My day counter is what truly saved me from that-- being able to look at my calendar and say "Hey, look, it's been a whole week! 2 weeks! Now a month! B"H, a whole year!" Before I knew it, 4 years had passed, and I stopped updating it. I felt at peace; the urges, for the most part, are gone, and when they return, reminding myself 4 years of progress is enough to keep from slipping.

But this hurts just as much, if not more, and it sucks to be going down this path again. However, it feels much, much better to not be doing it alone. I'm way too terrified to tell anyone I know in real life aside from my wife, but between her, GYE, and Hashem, I feel like I'm in good hands. I hope this day tracker keeps me just as safe.

Alcoholism and addictive behavior runs in both sides of my family, so I only drink on holidays around family I feel safe with, never under pressure or more than required. I've experienced more than enough trauma and loss from family members smoking and doing hard drugs to ever be interested in coming close to either one of those. Up until recently, I've been relatively good at controlling my mind, body, and soul. I feel like I've really slipped and fallen hard, as described in my intro post. I really want to get better. I never want this to become as dangerous as my family's addictions.

I'm not very familiar with forum etiquette, and I'm still learning everything GYE has to offer. So far, I've explored the forums, the help buttons, chats, handbook, and a few other minor features. Thank you to those who have read this far and engaged with me. I'll work on condensing my posts in the future. I felt like it was best to get everything out now.

Zedj wrote on 02 May 2021 05:51:

When I first started having issues, I didn't tell anyone and they weren't "filters" so much as really simple speed bumps, (phone alarm "reminders" to stop, etc) and that's why they didn't work. Something I forgot to mention is that my wife and I are long-distance while she finishes getting her degree (don't wanna give too much detail for the sake of keeping anonymity). She's currently on the opposite end of the country, and we live in a rather big country, so it makes it very difficult to see each other. We've seen each other twice since the pandemic started, and she's visiting again soon, but it's only made the habit all the more difficult.

She's not around to see how bad it's gotten in person, but after I came fully clean, she understood. I now have the GYE app on my phone to use the "emergency off" , "inspiration", etc buttons, the forums, and other GYE features when I urgently need them.

I also use the Stay Focused android app, which is free for its most essential features. It blocks all of the websites I was using, and I've limited myself to only be allowed to use my web browser for 30 minutes/day, and only after I've spent 30 minutes/day on Duolingo (productive distraction) **and** GYE. It also lets you write a personalized motivational message for you to read every time you try to open an app/website you've blocked or limited.

Finally, I also downloaded the Headspace app. It's meant for helping people with meditation and is famous for guiding people with self-harm issues, but can be used to guide yourself away from any self-destructive behavior.

I also looked up a few guides on battling this sort of addiction, and while many of these articles are overwhelmingly Christian, I did find one with some surprisingly good general advice: When you find yourself battling an urge, "HALT", and ask yourself: Are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired (HALT)? If so, tackle your specific need, rather than submitting to the urge as an outlet. I use this daily now.

I downloaded all of the apps last night, and while only one of them is an actual "filter", I've found it to be surprisingly productive-- today is my first day clean. I almost slipped, but the filter, GYE resources, and Headspace app were seriously helpful. I'm on my way to make my first diary entry on my path to 90 days. I really, really hope to keep this up.

Edit: Woof, sorry for such a lengthy post. All of these resources helped me a lot, so I just wanted to explain in detail. I also noticed the GYE app has it's own recommended filters. I'm happy with mine as long as they work, but if I get too close to slipping or falling, I'll definitely give them a look. Im also all ears for any other recommendations or ideas; not just filters, but tools like the "HALT" advice, etc.

hiddenrose wrote on 02 May 2021 01:59:

Hi! Welcome to the club!

Coming on here and sharing is already a great leap forward to recovery.

some of the greatest guys on earth are here.
I suggest to read, post updates and stay connected as much as possible.

Hashem would not give us a challenge that we cannot overcome. Being so, you have the strength to come out on top.

There is a difference between an addict and bad habit. In either case this is a great first step to become clean.

Some tips that helped me was 
#1-one day at a time/one urge at a time
#2-an urge is just an urge..it ain't gonna kill you
​#3-made a pro vs con list of negative/positives of acting out

Hakolhevel wrote on 02 May 2021 02:21:

I sincerely don't know how it started. Nothing unusually stressful has happened lately. My job is very stressful and I have a lot on my plate, but this seemed out of the blue (B'H no deaths in the family, job is stable, family is healthy... no major event to indicate a trigger, and nothing stressful that I'm not already used to). Roughly around the beginning of this year I went from having complete control over my mind and my sex life to being addicted to porn and masturbation. From never, to a couple times a month, to once a week, to a couple times a week, and then daily, and now anywhere from daily to a couple of times a day. It's obscene and taking control of my life. Even when I set up boundaries, and promised myself over and over I would stop, I couldn't. I literally wouldn't be able to sleep. I couldn't relax. Like I said, I can't even relax on Shabbat anymore. I hate to admit it, but if there's no trigger, then... maybe I just snapped?

I've talked to my spouse about it in depth. She's been incredibly understanding, more than I could ever ask for. She's helped me put up filters, checks on me frequently, and has made it clear she's simply worried for me, but doesn't plan on jumping ship anytime soon. We have a healthy and happy relationship, and I don't want to ruin that.

I don't want to ruin my relationships, and I truly strive to be holy. I really cringe admitting out loud to strangers how bad this as gotten, but I guess the first step is admitting it's a problem. I want nothing more than to be better.

hiddenrose wrote on 02 May 2021 01:59:

Welcome. Please give a little more history to the addiction itself. You say you are addicted? If that's the case, the path for an addict is usually clear.