Powerless doesn't mean you can't do anything about it. Powerless simply means that you can't change the fact you are an addict, in the same way that someone with diabetes can't change that fact either.

Does this mean a person with diabetes is doomed to die? No! But instead of fighting diabetes, he needs to learn what WORKS for a diabetic!

So again to sum up: Powerless is referring to the disease and not to the person's ability to help themselves.

Also, powerlessness implies a combination of two things.

1) Once I start, I can't stop. No matter how much I know it will kill me, I will keep going.

2) I must stop. It is poison for me. It will kill me.

Recognition of these two things FORCES us to come to rely on Hashem completely because we have no way out. We are stuck between a rock and a hard place. And when Hashem sees that we honestly realize that without Him we are finished, He makes miracles for us. (As Chazal say "Ain ben David ba ad sheyomru ain lanu al mi li'hisha'en ela avinu shebashamayim".)

When we are faced with a test and say "I'm powerlessness" we mean to say, "If I start, I will not be able to stop. And it will kill me."

It is analogous to a drunk getting into his car and muttering to himself, "I know I am drunk. Once I start driving on the highway, I won't be able to stop. And I will likely get killed - or kill others".

Powerless makes us realize we CANNOT AFFORD TO LUST. We can't afford to get into the lust car. We are drunk and we will soon be driving down a road to gehenom!

Once we have the recognition of powerlessness that incorporates both of these aspects, we force ourselves to make the right gedarim. We learn how to do our best to avoid the first drink, and we learn how to give over our will to Hashem to save us from this "death".

בינוני wrote on 17 Jun 2021 12:05:

Our Sages teach us that Yosef Hatzadik had complete Emunah - Faith and Trust - in his Higher Power, that G-d would rescue him from such a low point and bring him to a place where he could serve Hashem and His People. Yosef knew without a doubt that there was a DIVINE PLAN for him and that he had a greater DESTINY IN LIFE.

Let's learn the most profound lesson of all - that not only must we BELIEVE that a Power Greater than ourselves can restore us to Sanity (Step 2) andTurn our Will and our Lives over to the care of G-d (Step 3) - but also, like Yosef, we must  BELIEVE IN OURSELVES!

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENS IN G-D'S WORLD BY MISTAKE!  G-d did not create us to live a Rock Bottom Life! We were created to face whatever comes our way with total ACCEPTANCE - to recognize that no one, no experience and nothing can take away our G-d-given and unique talents.

Had another fall last night. I've realized that I am very most likely addicted to lust. Will bez"H be going to check out an SA meeting soon

Serious question: How do you guys that have hundreds of days clean do it? I feel like I would need to chop off my hand in order to even come close!

Here are a nice observation on this topic from Dov:

By trying to fight intrusive thoughts and denying that they are part of your normal mental landscape, you are much more likely to be holding on to them. We know that the Baal Hatanya writes (Tanya, ch. 28) that wrestling with a dirty man only makes you dirtier and dirtier. Addicts in twelve-step recovery use a term called 'surrender', referring to moving on without something instead of fighting it. They come to see that the main reason they were fighting their obsessions and desires before, was because the struggle itself allowed them to hold on to them and ‘deal’ with them virtually forever. When an addict mistakenly correlates 'Kedushas Hamo'ach' with 'Tikkun Habris,' they basically condemn themselves to never letting go of it. In a strange but real way, "not letting go" is a comfort to somebody who sees that it's wrong to have these thoughts but never really wants to let them go.

wilnevergiveup wrote on 16 Jun 2021 07:23:

This post is definitely a "Dose of clarity" and "The Truth".... at least in my experience. Very well said. 
as to what people ask then what's the point of the streak, and the 90 days challenge? I'll just say what it is to me.
I think that when a person masturbates often, he usually does it at every uncomfortable situation, or even just for pleasure. It's hard to see the root cause which pushed him into it and doesn't let him stop. The 90 days challenge helped me to stop for pleasure, and for other situations, but when it came to my root issue, when I couldn't live with myself, the streak etc didnt cut it. And that helped me realize which issue is my root issue and on what I need to work on internally. After falling a few times, (after my initial long streak when I joined) I was able to examine what feelings, moods and thoughts, I had leading up to the fall, and get to work on the underlying issues.

EvedHashem1836 wrote on 16 Jun 2021 04:32:

Okay, sorry to burst your bubble, but here are my two cents. Guys who fall after a long streak and cannot pick themselves up afterwards especially when it comes to the guys who are here a while, it has little to do with the fact that the streak was their only motivation and a lot to do with the fact that they have a bigger problem, one that "doing a streak" just doesn't fix. 

If you can do the 90 day thing, maybe fall the first time or two then get to 3000 etc. great, that means that your struggle is a different one than the guys who cannot pick themselves up. 

Guys get excited when they first show up here, or some other motivation, like getting caught and they put together a nice streak. Some guys understand that there is more to it and they work on underlying things, go to therapy, speak to a mentor, etc. and some guys don't. When We don't deal with the real problem and just "stay clean" we are in for a life of suffering. It's like treating a heart attack with a tylenol.

I am not saying that everyone breaks after a while, rather that for some, the main role that the streak plays is to indicate that they have a bigger issue and that counting days just wont cut it. It's not a motivation issue, it's a bigger issue that needs dealing with. 

I think that Mr. LTI proves my point perfectly. He knows good and well that what he is doing is dangerous, he doesn't need anyone to tell him that. It would seem that his streak is his main motivation (yeah, that feeling of success) and therefore he is okay with "sticking to the rules" even though looking for stuff isn't a special mitzvah either. There are two approaches to this, one is to say, well, my goal is not to masturbate so anything more is just "too much!" The other option is to take some time to think, why is it that I am looking? Am I bored? Do I feel like my life is missing something? Why is it that I only care about the streak but I am okay with doing other things that I know are harmful? 

If at 60+ days a person is just making it by the skin of their teeth, I think it's time for a deeper look.

Sometimes it's as simple as finding a new hobby, or keeping busy. Sometimes it's looking for more meaning in life. And sometimes it's dealing with messier stuff. 

I think that a healthy goal for now would be to set up some time (even better if you can do this with someone with whom you can be honest and knows how to help) to write down the situations and feelings that you have when you are tempted to start looking. Are you escaping from something? Bored? Stressed? Make a list, share it with us here and try to be honest. This will get you far more than another 10 days of white knuckling.  

We learnt how to live without porn, now we need to learn how to live with ourselves.

Dude you gotta cut it out.

The filter can be a lifesaver but if your someich on it one time it might not work and then you will see an image, something you shouldn't see, but something you desperately want to see.

9 times out of 10 you see the image and then you fall. It's pretty hard to hold back after or while seeing the image.

So essentially your testing your filter to see if it can prevent you from falling and the filter keeps persisting again and again.

But if the filter ever fails (which becomes more and more likely the more you test it, because you learn what doesn't work leaving you to try new things which will prob eventually work) then you have to start all over again. And maybe we place too much importance on the streaks and you can continue from where you left off. But my 0.02$ is that the streak is what motivates us so once you fall its likely you fall again and again and get into a rut of a few months before getting back up on the horse. If you can't believe this check out some of the big machers (no sarcasm intended - really have a lot of respect) around here on GYE who were doing incredible and then fell and have been in a been of a rut.

Logic and pure seichel says obviously don't test the filter its ridiculous but the emotion and longing and addiction prevails and hungers to test the filter but perhaps constantly thinking of the lack of logic will lead you to realize that it makes absolutely 0 sense whatsoever and is the animal soul inside you talking. We were created for a loftier purpose!

If i remember correctly your previous high was 68 (correct me if im wrong pls). So your goal should be to at least surpass that - to hit 70. Then we can talk again from there but at least last till then thats only 9 more days youve done that 6 times already.

Maybe read through your own thread and see how frustrating it was after your fall from 68 and how hard it will be to get back to where you were. Its worth it to hold back now no matter how painful it is to prevent yourself from feeling pain multiplied 100fold later. It even feels good when after this "image testing nisayon" has gone away a bit you look back and say "wow I had this huge test but never failed and now I BH reached x number of days"

Sorry if this was a bit harsh I just feel like that is what you need right now

B"H Day #37 clean.
Made the move, B"H everything went fine, it was just a bit exhausting.
So last night I was studying masseches Gittin 13a and came across a passage that aludes to lust addiction. Very interesting.
A small prelude:
The chochomim and R'Meir argue whether one can be chozer on a get to an eved cnaanis through a shliach. In other words, the rav (master) sends the get shichrur to the eved cnaanis through a shaliach. The shaliach hasn't yet delivered the get to the eved. The rav changes his mind. Can he retract? This machlokes is based on a principle "zochin haodom shelo be ponov". We can benefit someone, even if he's not present. So the question is, is it a zchus to the eved to be freed or not? Chochomim say yes, therefore he can't be chozer. Since it's a zechus to the eved, the moment the get reaches the hand of the shliach, the eved is free. R'Meir says no, it's not a zchus to the eved, so the master can retract before it reaches the eveds hands. Mai ta'ama de R' Meir?
In the midst of the machlokeis, R'Meir says that if the eved goes free, he becomes a Jew (ger), and he is osser to his shifcho cnaanis. The chochomim say, but then he becomes mutter to be nose'o a bas horin. R'Meir says, but he is willing to give up everything to be with his shifcho, which is pruzo, zilo, etc. (It's a "chov" for him to lose his shifcho, so he prefers to stay an eved, so the rav can be chozer)
Raboisai, man can give everything away, his yiddishkeit, his physical and spiritual cheirus so he can be with his shifcho (P&M). Like Dov says, how much are we moseir nefesh for our taivos...
Food for thought.
Once more, thank you for your support!

Ok so here's the deal: I really have to start taking this stuff more seriously. I was motzi zera levatala twice over the past weekend (including once on Shabbos). If it weren't for my filters, I would have most definitely looked at porn too. 

Additionally, I want to share something that I have not yet admitted publicly on here, but I think that I need to because I really need help for it. I seriously struggle with low self esteem and have many insecurities about my body. Because of this, I feel that I need constant validation that I look good and this has lead me to do things which I'm not proud to admit: I will chat with other guys online who also have ssa and that almost inevitably leads to them asking for shmutzik pictures/videos of me. Wanting their compliments and validation, I usually send them what they ask for but no matter how many times I'm told that I actually look good, I never feel like it's enough. If one person says that my insecurities are baseless, it might put me at ease for a little while, but then the next day, I'll just seek out someone else to share my body with and receive compliments from. Not to sound gaivedik, but quite a few people (guys and girls) have told me I'm good-looking and yet I have a hard time believing them because I always focus on my flaws. 

Does anyone please have some help to offer me for overcoming this addiction for external validation? I want to be able to feel confident in myself. I want to stop obsessing over my looks. I want to be able to sincerely thank Hashem for what I was blessed with. And I really want to stop being a shtickle porn actor and giving in to others' desires to see me when they're facing their own struggles.

This thread has got me thinking, and I have a serious question. If you read through most of the threads here on GYE, especially the older ones there was "Dov" and co, who promoted the "12 Step" method and then there were the ones who cried, "The Torah and mussar has everything covered." They would say, we don't want to hear anything that doesn't have a source in the sefarim, I don't care if it works or doesn't, if it was right, it would be somewhere in the seforim etc.

I find it fascinating that here, the 12 steppers are the ones "protecting G-d" wow, that's a strange to me.

So my question is this, I understand that GYE is spending tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars on this new Flight 2 Freedom program and that it's based of of the SMART recovery program. Is it being built at least with the little amount of G-d that is in the 12 steps or is it forgetting about Him entirely. What I mean by this is, while the severe "struggler" may not relate to the spiritual issues and focusing on it doesn't help them, bringing G-d into their lives does.

The new program, it seems, is being built for those who are not "powerless" (otherwise it really makes no sense). I understand that the target crowd is indeed not addicts, and that they may very well be the majority of those struggling. The ones who are not so deep into this, the ones who are falling here and there, the ones who are still unmarried the ones who it hasn't affected their life that much, what the the real reason that they want to stop? Is in not G-d? Is there a different reason? 

The new program sounds amazing, I am all for it, I am just wondering if G-d is going to make an appearance.

Alrighty, Update:

14 Days Clean, no masturbation. Walking in the street is problematic but I'm working on looking down, now if I would be able to do that while driving that would be a huge help.

Had a nocturnal emission last night which seems  to be a recurring event every two weeks, I’m not sure why it happens but the most I can come up with is the possibility of my body (subconscious) not letting go of the addiction due to trauma and stress levels from all the abuse I sustained over the years. 

Overall I hope to keep doing well and am looking forward to a productive month.

Peace out

Watson wrote on 22 Nov 2016 21:12:

My point from here is I'm not going to push you either way, and I don't think reading 12 step stuff is harmful, even if you do smart. heck, Rabbi Twerski wrote a  book based on 12 steps for non addicts ( I think one its called waking up just in time)

DavidT wrote on 10 Jun 2021 13:58:


This is a really fantastic breakdown, thank you!!

Markz wrote on 10 Jun 2021 23:07:

You're raising a very valid point. 
On the other hand (I discussed this with "Hashem Help Me") most people are not addicts so the 12 step program and going to SA meetings can be counterproductive for them. 
If a professional like Rabbi Twersky evaluates someone and tells him to go to SA that's one thing, but a person should be very careful before making their own decisions on this.  

If you have been to SA meetings, I assume that means that there is some inkling that you are an addict. One of the basic premises of all Anonymous fellowships is that we have an allergy that makes us react abnormally to our drug of choice.
I would therefore say that one someone who breaks Shabbos for an addiction doess not having a Yidishkeit problem. Its like someone who s Nebach a schizophrenic, doesn't take their medication and therefore breaks Shabbos does not have to work on keeping shabbos properly, but rather work on taking their medication (ie. recovering from their illness)