Sorry to hear you fell after such a long time, but it's good to hear your using your fall to grow further. Check my signature for some free filters and look into them on their respective websites for further details, they all work very well. And don't just stop at the filters, take it a step further and also get WebChaver (covenanteyes) for free through the KBA program on venishmartem.com, I put in my signature how you can get it for free through venishmartem.com. 

Just as a heads up though, most of the filters (except for webchaver if you get it through the free method) require that you set someone appropriate as a "family organizer". And most of them operate as a whitelist and blacklist filter system but you can set them to block just explicit websites but I don't recommend this because from what you wrote in your post, it seems like you were triggered by something mildly inappropriate and to look at that less explicit stuff is assur anyway. So you really should use their "allowed websites only" function to use it as a whitelist, and in order to make it so you don't feel trapped, you should monitor your history and anticipate any websites you may need in the future to add those to the "allowed websites" list and I can also send you my list of allowed websites of over 100 websites which range from secular websites like fedex to many religious websites to add to your list also. The truth is even if you have all the websites you need on the whitelist, you may still feel trapped like I did when I first set the filters because most search engines and the internet in general is made to be addictive by nature (because that's how they make money, through collecting your data and giving you ads so they want you to browse as much as possible) but you'll get used to it in time like I did. It's really just a trick of the yetzer hara because when I first set my filter I had all the websites I needed but I still felt trapped at first simply because I wasn't able to browse freely even though I didn't have to do that at all because I had access to all the websites I needed.

And you can always have requests sent to your family organizer to allow websites that you need but you forgot to add to list and they can do this though their phones anywhere so long as they can access the internet with their phone and most of them have apps for iphone and android so they'll get notified immediately and respond to the request immediately. They all have many more amazing features, I really encourage you to look into them further on their respective websites and to try them out.

There is no question that one who is content and finds fulfillment in life will have an easier time turning away and resisting the temptation, unless of course he's become addicted. 

I had a fall after 21 days yesterday. Here's a few thoughts I had.

The bottom line is that porn is junk food, plain and simple. All of the methods and tactics we use are helpful but are mere bandaids. Truly happy satisfied people don't turn to this garbage.

I recently met an older man who had such a sweet and earnest demeanor. I don't know him personally but I can bet my bottom dollar he's a happy individual. I bet he wouldn't struggle like I do because he's much moe fulfilled. I don't think he'd see the appeal in pornography the way I do.

it's obviously much harder to bear the responsibility of life and pain than it is to look at nude women. I think this is is self evident. If we can only reframe the struggle wed be able play the long game.

I had an employee that was a recovering heroin addict and he finally found a frum guy to give him a real job. He was so greatful and happy to be able to enter the real world of functioning people. He expressed to me how glad he was to be on a legitimate path in life. Were all addicts here to some degree. Let's try to reclaim our trajectory.

I also advise watching Jordan Petersons lectures on porn on YouTube, they're very depe and helpful. Here's a small clip:

We’re happy to announce that the Flight to Freedom Recovery meeting in Brooklyn is starting a new cycle. 

The F2F Recovery meeting has been established last year and runs a live group support meeting geared to frum men people who are struggling with lust. It takes place in the five boroughs each Monday at 8:00 pm. 

If you live in Brooklyn and are serious about recovery, we invite you to join us!

Flight to Freedom helps individuals gain independence from addiction and is based on the latest scientific knowledge. The meeting is fully aligned with Torah values and incorporates the tools of GYE’s Flight to Freedom program.

The meetings are led by a certified SMART recovery facilitator who also has personal experience with the 12-step program, and is also a longtime GYE member.

If you feel you will gain from these meetings or would like more information please email smart@guardyoureyes.org.

Note: The location for the live meetings will only be given to people who have been screened individually by a facilitator. This allows everyone to have a truly safe environment where they can open up honestly with others who have also been carefully screened. If you are interested in joining please email smart@guardyoureyes.org.

This is a guess post from Dov: (it is not to anybody, for anybody, about anybody and may not be relevant at all to this topic)

Is there a secret new group that has agreed on using, of repeating mantras until they become true?

To me, it just sounds like getting better and better at lying.

Someone told me a long time ago regarding dog training that it's not quite true what people say that practice makes perfect. If we are practicing in the wrong way or practicing the wrong thing, we will just get better at doing the wrong thing or doing things the wrong way. We get better at what we practice doing. Lying to ourselves is just lying.

Telling the truth to ourselves, on the other hand is practicing honesty and acceptance of the truth.

So if somebody really does have a lingerie fetish, or homosexual desire rather than heterosexual, or really does feel that the most important adventure for them to ever have is a sexual one, then Hashem knows and agrees with it... because it's truth. And Hashem knows the truth. Because the truth is true.

Practicing saying that the truth is not true is just practicing lying.

If on the other hand a person has a twisted view of themselves and thinks that they are worthless human beings because they have a lingerie fetish, homosexual rather than heterosexual desire, or a sex addiction...then they are lying to themselves already. So repeating to themselves that they are worthy even though they have these defects, is saying the truth. And I would highly encourage that.

Is this making sense? There's no real escape from the truth about ourselves. We don't change very much by lying to ourselves until we are convinced of a lie that is better than the sad truth is. Better accept the sad truth so that we can then be in reality and deal with what is true. With what Hashem knows is true about us. I'm sure He will be much more inclined to work with us as partners in _that_ endeavor.

But lying? As we know from Chazal, Hashem does not partner with liars.

5Uu80*cdwB#^ wrote on 02 Mar 2022 21:39:

You are 100% right!

I've been clean for 4 days as of now. Now counting edging as a fall, and pushing out fantasies to the best of my ability. Doing well currently. I wrote up several statements to remind myself why I need to be clean and will review daily, bli neder.

Hi everyone, I want to give an update.
I started going to SA wich is Sexoholic Anonymous, Its great and I strongly suggest it to other who have an addiction.
This platform is great but it wasnt enough for me to stop my addiction.
To those that ocasionally stumble and dont have an ilness called addiction then this platform is great but for those like me that have an ilness of addiction this platform can not solve my problem.
I am currently working the 12 steps and am working step number one which is to admit that I am powerless over my lust.

Would your mom be interested in getting an accountability service on her computer? You don't necessarily need to get webchaver for that, if your computer runs on windows then you can use microsoft family safety for their accountability features without having to use their filter system. 

I guess it may seem like it will be embarrassing if you ask your mom for this but if you have already told her about your struggle in general, she'll understand. I had trouble with using my mom's phone to look at p after my devices were filtered but eventually I asked her to put filters on her phone and she was fine with it. I basically told her that when someone is addicted to something, like drugs, they will stoop to such low levels like stealing from their own parents in order to get the drug, so I want to avoid doing anything like this with her device. 

I do think webchaver would be great for you if you do end up doing this, and if you didn't already know look into the link in my signature of how to get it for free through venishmartem.com. I think the KBA program will help tremendously, look into it through the link below. You should also couple it with microsoft family safety or apple screentime (depending on the type of computer you have) because they offer many more accountability features, especially microsoft family safety. Let me know if your interested in this below and I'll give you some advice to get rid of some loopholes that you're going to have to plug up to use them effectively. It's a simple process to set them up and to get rid of the loopholes also. Sorry if I’m being repetitive but this does seem like the best solution for you.

Welcome!
As Rabbi Twerski famously said:
It is important to know that the addiction is under control before considering marriage. Marriage is not a hospital and does not cure addiction, and continuation of the addiction is likely to ruin a marriage.

We all hope that you'll get great inspiration and support that you need here on GYE. 
I'll give you some basic and common tips that has been discussed and successfully tried by many people here:

• RESPONSIBILITY! - We all have our own back stories, we all have seemingly legitimate excuses and we all have rationalizations. Taking responsibility means that NO MATTER WHAT, - The buck stops by me!!
• CONNECT with someone. The opposite of addiction is not sobriety - it's CONNECTION. Addiction thrives on isolation! Find someone that you can share your pain and struggles with. And finally, have someone who can cheer you on and celebrate your both big and small wins with you!
• Plan Ahead - Be proactive. As they say, "If you fail to plan - you plan to fail". The yetzer horah rarely tries to fight us when were doing well, he looks for opportunities when we're down and out or caught off guard. When we are tired, moody or stressed....

• Take the journey one day at a time. You might have times of sheer elation, times of utter frustration and times of vulnerability when you’ll think that all your success might evaporate. Buckle up and get ready for the journey of a lifetime!

Important clarifications about this thread:

Who is the target audience of this thread?
The self-talk strategy mentioned in this thread is targeted at people not doing anything other than “the filter shuffle” (making their filter better and better with the hope that it will be impossible to surpass). It is not intended as a substitute for hard work or for anything the person might already be doing. It is targeted at people who are anyway not doing hard work and are not interested in doing hard work.
I thought hard to try to figure out something that there was a chance such a person would try. It had to be extra easy without requiring much effort. This is the method I came up with. (I feel that doing something that might help is much better than doing nothing. Surely some will argue that it's better to leave such people until they finally wake up and put in hard work. I can understand their position. But I think that overall there is bigger odds of people being helped this way.)
Everyone else is welcome to try this method out in addition to whatever else they are doing. It actually goes well with some other methods and helps strengthen the benefits from those methods.

Do the authors of this thread guarantee results? Are they presenting this as the wonder cure that will solve all my problems?
No.
Self-talk is a technique used in the world of psychology that is somewhat effective. It is far from 100% effective. It might work for you but it might not.
Also, the method of self-talk being used here is a watered-down version of full self-talk (when the person says his sentences every day himself). But in limited experimentation (by Shad Helmstetter, PhD), it has been shown to have similar effectiveness as actual self-talk.
I am not aware of self-talk being tried for pornography addiction. It does make sense that if it was somewhat helpful for smoking and depression and low self-esteem, it might be helpful for this as well. I launched this thread to try that out. This is an experiment to see if it can be helpful.
I do not expect that it will cure everyone. I'm imagining that it will help some people a little, some people a lot, and some people not at all. And like any other method, it is much more likely to work the shorter someone has been struggling.


If there are any lines in this thread that seem to imply otherwise, perhaps they are just some excitement that went out of control. Please PM me and I will change them. Thank you.

Hi all, 

I'm considering dropping my smartphone for a flip phone and am hoping for guidance/feedback from those who have taken the plunge. This was prompted in part by some quotes by gedolim in the GYE tech talk newsletter (thanks to those who put that together) which used some very strong language against owning a smartphone. I currently own an iphone. The only internet capable app on it is the covenant eyes browers with webchaver installed. To my mind it is a secure device as webchaver is a very strong deterrent for me. During my last fall in a frenzy I found every app that had unfiltered internet on my device and I deleted those. I also have a friend that does parental controls to prevent app downloading and I don't have any social media apps or accounts. Even at my worst I have not been tempted to look up shmutz on a webchaver monitored device, and this leaves me with a feeling of "where's the fire that the gedolim are so spoken out against" with regard to my smartphone as my gedarim are working well and the device seems locked down. With that being said, I'll allow for the possibility that maybe I'm not yet in touch with reality and still remain in significant danger and should therefore go for a flip phone. Can anyone offer perspective? I've made a preliminary pros and cons list here:

Pros:
-Having no web browser is safer than a filtered and monitored web browser (although see above why I don't feel very compelled by this point currently)
-I can start to chip away at my technology addiction
-I will not have loopholes to access the internet past my house wifi shutdown time (i asked someone in my community to set my wifi to shut off each night since i wanted some offline time to be present each night but I end up watching TV on my phone instead of actually going offline)
-Work related communication would be more restricted to work hours only as I would be generally unavailable unless I'm at a computer

Cons:
-Hindered work communication, we rely on slack quite a bit
-Loss of an emotional crutch through inability to watch videos (kosher content)
-Loss of whatsapp groups. Some of these are very useful, like one we use to coordinate the minyan
-Inability to share and view photos with my family. They all have iphones and share family events often through text. I like seeing their photos since I live across the country from them

If anyone can share their experience or insight I would appreciate it

5Uu80*cdwB#^ wrote on 02 Mar 2022 21:39:

This is backed by psychology...called CBT how our thoughts effect our feelings and actions. And before every action there was a whole bunch of thoughts that caused it! If we would change those thoughts the actions would change too! 

5Uu80*cdwB#^ wrote on 02 Mar 2022 21:39:

Very true! This is the Realization I came too that has helped me tremendously as well! So much is in our minds! If I can add.. if we wanna notice that this is 100% accurate write down the combining thoughts that have made you wanna masturbate you’ll see a you were fantasizing! And one last thing, fantasizing is not only about pretty woman or what not. It can also be dreaming how good masturbation will feel. Or thinking how long you haven’t let it all out! It’s all the same! Proof to this is.. if our thinking would freeze for an hour we wouldn’t fall with masturbation. Cuz it’s all stemming from millions of thoughts that lead up to this urge. Let’s try to reduce them and automatically reduce masturbation. 

5Uu80*cdwB#^ wrote on 02 Mar 2022 21:39:

Golden post! They should put this on the GYE Daily Chizuk! (Maybe a few times in a row...)

Hi BT Again. I'm sorry to hear about your fall. I am cheering for you.
Please consider the following seriously, because based on what you just posted about "no visuals", I see that you are [with almost 100% probability, but I could be wrong,] making the mistake that kept me addicted to masturbation for YEARS.
When you fell "without visuals", were you visualizing things in your head?
I would bet the answer is that you were. Very likely, you had a whole scene going on in your head there with some lady of your dreams to which you masturbated, and without which you would NOT have masturbated. Again, to which you masturbated, and without which you would NOT have masturbated.
Fantasizing is the problem!!!
Fantasizing is the problem!!! It's not just about guarding your eyes. It's also about guarding your mind and not attending to fantasies!
As I recently posted on a different thread to someone else, you have to launch a full attack at the extremely pernicious (and absolutely life-ruining) idea that it's מותר to attend to fantasies in your head and let them grow to the point where you ultimately feel compelled to masturbate while thinking about them.

So much of GYE's discussions are about guarding your eyes. This is obviously the first step. But it cannot possibly be expected that if you guard your eyes but still allow yourself to build erotic fantasies in your head that you will be able to kick the addiction of masturbating.

You can do it! But you have to realize that while abstaining from watching porn is a huge and chashuv and important start to quitting masturbation,  the taivos are kept alive by fantasy in the mind!