Hashemschild.1 wrote on 02 Dec 2022 16:57:

the time has come for a vacation from gye; the vibes aren't good for me. take care good fellows.

troublescall@outlook.com a"h - the call that is

Human being wrote on 02 Dec 2022 09:07:

It seems that Hashems loves you soo much that he even tried to uphold you from going to the adult store!. He sent police to that area, He put a median right over there, He made sure you shouldn't notice it, He made sure you shouldn't take a diff way to the adult store put instead make a U-turn so the cops should hold you from going there.
Hasehem LOVES YOU and he's trying to show you how he's helping you overcome these desires. He sees your hard work and is definitely shepping nachas from you!!
Stay Strong!!
Git shabbas!!

Shtarkandemotional wrote on 11 Feb 2022 15:41:

I would like to clear up one slight problem with this post... The Heroin/ Cocaine analogy isn't true. The addiction is the same. you can trust me on this one...unfortunately

What a disaster this night has been. For starters I didn't learn a word today. That always makes me feel empty. Then i sat down to watch the team i follow occasionally, and they lost big time. I was really angry. Not only that, I had 2 beers while I was watching the game.

So i left the bar were i was watching the game very tense and upset just steaming with tension and still a tiny buzzed (legal though. My abs levels were under .08). On my ride home I passed by an adult store. I have gone into adult stores before. I had so much tension inside, that I turned around and went back to the shop. I just sat outside the store in my car. Thank god I'm no longer addicted as much as before, so I was able to "pass up the opportunity" and start driving home -thank you Hashem. 

then....... sirens...... and cops pull me over. On my way to turn around and head back to the store, i had made a left turn out of a parking lot, and the thing was, I didn't realize there was a median (about three inches high) separating both the east bound lanes and the west bound lanes. I didn't see it because it was very low and from the parking lot were i had been, it blended in with the street. So I was ready to make a left turn when all the sudden i realize theirs no left turn there's a median. Problem was, i was already turning the wrong way onto a street with cars going pretty quick. I wasn't going to start backing up to straighten out. I just continued over the median and made the left turn despite the median.

So i got a ticket for going the wrong way on a one way street. Another ticket for not having my lights on, and another ticket for not staying in my lane. And a summons. I was so angry. I had not meant to go the wrong way on a 1 way street, I was just trying to make a left turn and didn't realize their was a median.  Problem is I don't want to fight it in court, because then their going to ask me where I was going and it will be a massive chillul Hashem, forget the embarrassment. Anyways since then, I've been sexually browsing for "non explicit-explicit pictures. Not officially porn but beetzem serves the same function.  I'm popping. My penis is hurting from me not masturbating because i turned myself on for so long. Yet i dont masturbate.

I'm so damn frustrated that I am unable to feel any less of a pull to porn even though I have a 98 day streak. Its because of my emotional state which is dissociative. ITS SO FRUSTRATING just a week ago I was feeling horny-free, now, every time I'm on a computer because my body isn't busy, I'm pulled straight to stimulating myself sexually.      WT*  am i ganna do?!?!?!?!?   Today for all practical purposes, was the closest thing to a fall, I would even call it a fall, but to be nice to myself im calling it a "toch kiday 3 hour dibbur fall"  meaning I'm not masturbating and I'm not going any farther down the rabbit hole so its not an official fall. BUT WHAT THE * AM I GIONG TO TO IN THE FUTURE ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

chancy wrote on 30 Nov 2022 19:59:

Thx for your beautiful clear post! Love it!!

you asked at the end how can you help- you can daven for them that h should help them all find the light( I’m sure you do , I’m just posting it to give idea to others reading that they should also daven for others suffering in the dark web)
thx again for your beautiful post!

I think Geshmak is correct in that most erliche yiden have no clue what porn is, nor will they ever know, BH for that. 
But with sex addiction or masturbation, Shmuel is probably right. lots of people are addicted to sex they dont know it. There is a reason why Chazal banned touching oneself even to go to the bathroom or any number of things that chazal banned because one might get aroused. a few examples are, laying your back or front, going to the mikva with father, father in law, brother in law, etc. touching. 
Guys were always easily excited and todays world is much more exposed to exciting sights. 
So i think there are many, many more people that could benefit from GYE. However, unlike Geshmak here, im not Geshma in any sense.....
I dont have friends or people that would ever confide in me. So im all out of ideas how i can help. 

Dracohead wrote on 29 Nov 2022 18:11:

If you look at the 12 steps, which Rabbi Dr. Twerski Z"L used to say can be used even for one who isn't an addict, you will find no mention of guilt. Rather it's about understanding the destruction a "Drug of Choice" wreaks upon all you hold dear and through that, being able to consider the impact giving in would have. In my recovery process so far,(I don't think I fit the SA addict description) much of the work has been understanding how the Ta'avoh plays itself out, recognizing it for what it is, and understanding the harm it causes in ALL my relationships. As HHM has said: The work is about rewiring your thinking when it comes to this Inyan. That, to the best of my knowledge,  does not involve the guilt from the past, but rather the realization of the cost of acting out on the future.
This is brought out well in Rabbeinu Yonah's Yesod Hat'shuvah: (Translated by dafyomireview.com)

On that day, he should cast all his sins which he did, and consider himself as if he was born today, and he has neither merit nor fault. And this day is the beginning of his actions. Today he should weigh his ways, in order that his steps not veer from the good path. And this way will bring him to return a complete teshuva (repentance). Because he will make himself as if he has cast from his shoulders the heaviness of the sins which he did. Therefore his thoughts will not haunt and confuse him to prevent him from repenting because he is embarrassed of his sins. For [his thoughts] will tell him:


Don't think like this. Because the enticer (the evil inclination) sits like a fly in the chambers of the heart. He renews himself every day. He watches and waits to make him stumble, and he puts this evil advice in his heart (i.e. the destructive thoughts). Rather one should think: "because this is the mida (trait) of the Creator, yisbarach. His hand is outstretched to receive the penitent". Therefore it is good for him to cast off his sins and make for himself a new heart.

I welcome disscusion and disagreement with any of my viewpoints. Hatzlacha!

Hey chevreh, approaching day 70 (!!!)

Lots of emotional ups and downs, although I can testify that this has been a life changing experience so far, and one of the better life choices I've made. 

I've developed closer bonds with my loved ones, and have come clean (literally) to my rav. I've acquired a very special mentor/rebbe/friend in HHM, who has been indispensable throughout this journey, and may Hashem continue to bless him with a long and healthy life! I actually am starting to love my wife - not just "like" her and live peacefully with her as my "roommate with benefits." 

If there's one thing I know I'm good at, it's lowering my ego and changing my attitude and behavior when faced with the truth, but until I started on my current path of recovery I did not realize just how humbling it is to truly face the bare-bones אמת. Acquiring humility is a painful process that requires a person to be honest with themselves in their assessment of the strengths and weaknesses within them. 

This week I ventured into an eatery in which a non jewish woman found my contact info last year and proceeded to chase after me, and I had a partial fall. I went in there this past week to say hello to a Jewish man I know who I saw through the window - halfway through our conversation, I saw her staring at me and trying to catch my eye, and I ignored her. Not planning on going back in there again, but this was a big win for me.

I also recognize that my "erev shabbat" lechaims had spilled over into shabbat day and I was starting to lose control of proper behavior, so I'm taking a break from the bottle for the time being. 

All in all, it's been amazing so far, and I am filled with gratitude for the chevreh on GYE - thanks to your encouragement, I am starting to veer away from sexualizing my painful feelings (shoutout to HHM). I've come quite far in recovery from technology addiction as well. Now when I am somehow bored and find myself unoccupied for a while I can actually sit and think, or read a book, or look outside even spend time talk with and litening to my kids (what an interesting concept) - I do not go crazy anymore just because most of the internet is blocked (rightfully so) on my devices. 

It is normal to feel feelings. Without the downs there are no ups. 

And it's ok to be kind to yourself. If you're reading this, do me a favor (as a stranger / friend) and do what a good friend of mine once told me to do - look in the mirror, deep into your eyes, and tell yourself over and over again that you are a good person who deserves to be happy!!!

 

Idea #8- The Buck stops Here

Building on the last idea here. We said that the battleground with the Yetzer Hara, the prize for victory, is the right to decide what to do. The Yetzer Hara pushes you to decide to indulge in the taavah. You push yourself to decide to not indulge. The outcome of that battle is your decision, either to give in or to resist.

So here’s the age-old question: Is it always possible to win, to decide to resist the Yetzer Hara?

 ---I know that much has been said on this, and I can’t agree with everyone. What follows is my take- what makes sense to me, what I’ve seen and experienced.---

Yes.

It has to be. Because the Yetzer Hara is only fighting to make you decide. The Yetzer Hara is not in charge of decisions. No physical or emotional drive is in charge of making decisions. You are in charge of making decisions.

Any voluntary action is under the control of your decision-making. Your arm will never lift itself up if you don’t want it to. Your legs will never walk if you don’t decide to go.

The Yetzer Hara can’t move your hands, legs, eyes, or anything. If you move, you moved. You clicked the button, you turned your head, you spoke those words. The Yetzer Hara doesn’t have fingers. You do. You did it.

Because he told you to do it. And he didn’t just tell you, he pushed and pushed until you couldn’t take it anymore. It was torturous.

That’s true. It’s hard. It can be very, very, very hard to resist. But at the end of the day, not resisting means deciding to follow through and carrying that out.

A great mashal is torture. If a soldier is captured and tortured for information. The torturer is certainly at fault for putting on that pressure. But he can’t make you say the words. He can’t go in your head and make that decision for you. He can just pressure you to decide to spill the beans. But when that soldier gives the information, that’s him doing it. And he could have decided not to. No one but him can make that final decision. The buck stops here, at the desk of the conscious mind.

We’re being tortured- to various degrees- by the taavah, the Yetzer Hara. He’ll up the pressure, make it painful to resist. And, of course, the harder it is the less we are to blame. Someone who caves to torture is not a rasha at all. But it is ultimately our decision.

What’s the difference? It’s night and day.

If you think it’s impossible to resist, then it is impossible. Because you won’t try. Why waste effort doing something impossible?

If you think that sometimes it’s impossible, then you just handed the Yetzer Hara a powerful weapon. All he has to do now is get you to believe that this is the impossible kind, then you’ll stop resisting. So you’ll think about how hard it is (and it is very, very hard), and how many times you’ve tried, and even now you’re trying but it won’t go away. And you’ll say, ‘look it’s impossible’. Then it’s home free for the Yetzer Hara.

Sounds familiar?

Really, there’s nothing more liberating than accepting that we have- ultimately- full control. Everything I did, I could have stopped- so now everything I want to do I can do. I’m not doomed to a life that I don’t want to live. I’ll write the script.

With “I can’t” comes:

Depression-I’m stuck, I can’t get out, what’s the point?

Anger- Why did HaShem do this to me?

Denial-I’m an addict, it’s who I am, doesn’t bother me?

With “it’s hard” comes:

Hope- I can overcome it.

Understanding/Acceptance- It’s a nisayon, it will help me grow.

Motivation- There’s something to work towards.

To deny our responsibility for our decisions in the past is (-this is my opinion-) a sugared poison. It removes the immediate guilt (if we can fully believe it), but it leads us away from recovery.

I’m using strong language here, to match my feelings on the topic. This is really the cornerstone of my approach. It always comes down to my decision, my choice. I know I can win, because there’s no one who can make me lose. And If I know that I can win, I will.

So that’s my best piece of advice: Never allow yourself to say or think that it’s impossible. Don’t even say ‘nearly/practically/basically/effectively impossible’. Say it’s hard. Very hard. Put on as many ‘very’s as you feel (or more colorful adjectives- enormously, torturously, oppressively etc.).

Because if it’s very hard you can still do it. If it’s practically impossible you can’t.

Eerie wrote on 24 Nov 2022 22:22:

I happen to have gone out to work after kollel and not into klei kodesh but I easily could've. The lack of respect you have for yourself is not particular to being a mechanech. I'm considered (at least I think I am lol) one of the "chashuve" members of my Shul. I take my avodas Hashem very seriously and impart that to my wife and children. I also have serious issues that crop up from time to time (unlike you, I believe I am most definitely addicted) that I am working very hard to overcome. I believe those issues don't define me. Even though this past year was probably my worst year in a long time, I don't have a accurate cheshbon but I probably fell over 50 times. So I had over 300 days that I wasn't doing those things. That's who I am. I am an eved Hashem. I am a good father. I am a good husband. I am koveia ittim to Torah. I come to davening on time and daven from beginning to end without talking and looking at my phone. The list goes on and on. I refuse to not respect myself and define my self based on the minority of my time spent doing deplorable actions.

This is not to say you should grow comfortable with your actions, I'm not comfortable with mine, that's exactly why I'm here. If you were not trying to work on them and stop for good, then I would not respect you. Anyways I'm rambling and not sure if I'm properly conveying my thoughts, would love to shmooze in person if your interested. 

Hi there all my anonymous friends!
I am on here for a while, most of the time just to sign in and update where I'm holding, but from time to time I do read around some posts on the forums, and I am really at a loss of words when I try to describe what I think about all of you. I'm simply awed into silence. You guys are all amazing, fighting the terrible urges, sometimes in such difficult circumstances, from complicated pasts, I stand humbled. I am so proud to at least be part of the same nation, even if I don't come close. Keep up the fight and may Hashem be with all  of you and may you feel his closeness.
And now, Hi! I gave myself the name eerie because that's what I think about my situation. I am blissfully married to a really special person,(which, I learned from the posts on this site, is not to be taken for granted. It's something that so many of my dear friends here struggle with, their addictions creating issues in their marriage and the problems in their marriage further exacerbating their addictions) and we have a few wonderful kids. I really cannot imagine a better marriage, we respect each other, love each other, communicate beautifully, and my intimate life is wonderful. I believe my wife would say the same.  I am a seriously respected member of my community, I am in a position of chinuch (and I think I do a pretty good job:)), so why oh why on earth am I here? What would the people think if they knew? Would I still have a wife? Would they let me talk to my kids? At that point would I even care about my job or my life's mission? I BH had a wonderful upbringing, loving and caring parents who are very proud of their "successful kli kodesh" son. What would they think if they knew? These thoughts were on my mind as I created my account and the feeling I had was "This is eerie. A mechanech. A talmid chacham. Sought after maggid shiur. This is totally eerie." So there you have it. It's all in the name.
A little about me. I think many of you would disagree but I don't think I'm addicted to P&M. I have normal urges like all healthy people. I have no smartphone (if you would only hear me speak about the downfalls), no computer at home. So where and when do/did I fall? I called a talk line by mistake, I was trying to reach a company. I was horrified. I hung up and told my wife about it. But, of course, my curiosity  plus urge  got me to call. This was probably 10+ years ago, called maybe 10 times total. Can't remember the last time I did that. Then my wife got a smartphone, and we blocked the browser entirely through parental controls, with each of us having half the code. Of course, when I was down I tried a few times and of course I figured out her half. Here and there I would go on really bad sites. Not long thereafter we got rid of that phone. That was also 10+ years ago/ But every once in a while I fall. I once found that one computer in the Yeshiva (!!!!) where I work had no filter. You read that right.. No filter, in the yeshiva computer! I would estimate that once in 2-3 months I went on really bad stuff there. One day I just realized that I need accountability, so I came to GYE. I know I have to answer to someone, I'm going to write it if I fall, and that helps me.
Now you might wonder, what am I writing this for? I am writing it first of all because I feel a kinship and I feel likes it's "therapeutic" to tell my story someplace. Because even the people that I really trust, I can't tell them any of this. I sometimes wish there was an anonymous phone line where I could call and tell a Rav what I struggle with, to get it out of my system. When I was bachur I was really close to my rebbeim, and I shared with them even my deepest secrets and struggles, I would tell my Rebbe if I M'd. BH I didn't stuggle with that much, but I did do it a few times in my bachurishe years, and my rebbe knew/knows about it. Maybe I'm weird that I shared that with my rebbe, but that's me. If I felt an attraction to a bachur I told him, and he understood me, always helped me, never judged me. There's no question that having such a person in my life changed me in unimaginable ways.  Alas, I don't think I'll ever have the nerve to go to anyone and discuss my normal struggles and mistakes at this point. What would a rav or even my rebbe, whom I am still very close to 20+ years later, think if a person in my position came and said "I struggle with this. Once in a while I can fall into watching P." I can't do that, so I'm saying it here. I'm a healthy person with normal urges and desires and it can happen that I fall sometimes. I try to avoid unfiltered machines, when I'm at my parents' house I don't touch their devices,  I told them to never let my kids touch their things and I warn my children to stay away, not even to look at Grandma's phone. But I know that every once in a while I'll find a device, and my urges, desires and curiosity (yes, I am still curious as to what some tags on some sites are supposed to mean. Curiosity is powerful.) can get the better of me. I joined GYE so I have to give an accounting, and I even had a fall since I joined, which I reported. I have a life's story, like everyone else, and here I shared some. Maybe some more another time.
But another reason I write this is because I look at what other people have written here, and I realize how small I am. I, the guy who sits up front at dinners, the guy whom you may have even heard at a dinner or some other place, I look at you in awe. Because I am not torn to shreds like some of you are, I have a happy marriage, and so many of you are working so hard to just keep the pieces in place. You are brutally honest with yourselves, and in spite of being in places I have only read about, doing things out there....in spite of that you are here, trying mightily to get only closer to Hashem, to be good, to be clean. I also struggle, but nowhere nearly as much as most of the people here. And I wish I could shake your hand and tell you how proud I am of you. I am so proud, and I know that I can't imagine how proud Hashem is. Keep it up!!! In this world I'm at the head table at the dinner, but believe me, at the se'udas livyason you guys will be up there, I hope I'll at least be in the crowd!

Marks post a cute joke on zedjs thread - if your curious to know it check it out… but I want to take it serious! Basically the chabad shiluchem that are staying in airports or other public places asking frayei yidden ( non observant Jews) if they put on teflin yet they should ask Frum yidden in a quiet nice respectful matter if they struggle with  porn or sex addictions… I think it’s s great idea first because they won’t be embarrassed to ask ( their not embarrassed of anything) and second the yid won’t get embarrassed or hurt by the question and he won’t be embarrassed to reply that he does need help cause like he ain’t gonna meet this chabadnik again… and if he doesn’t need help in this area he’ll just get on with he’s life and not think twice abt what a shilayach just asked him before he’s running to catch a flight… ( all this stuff are the Malies over s rebbe or someone from your own community ask a person abt it) 
I love this idea! Please gye can you please arrange it??? Maybe call the chabed headquarters… they’ll be more than happy to help!
I can’t wait to be asked the question the next time I fly and I’ll say hey that was my idea… and he’ll think I’m crazy but who cares 

Shalom Aleichem Chevrah, 
As I said on someone elses post, I am inspired to start sharing what I am working on and posting what works and what doesn't. It will be a good exercise for me and may benefit people who are in the struggle as well so I have nothing to loose besides anonymity, i.e. the seclusion of my avodah. 

Yesterday I tried something new, consequences. This was due to the suggestion of someone sober for 24 years. The consequence that he suggested was picking up rubbish if I broke a barrier. I.E. If I go on the TV. But I took this to the extreme, If I looked up on the street I would fine myself 50-100 steps of walking on the street, looking down and counting the steps. This was quite a challenge as the number quickly grew to 2000 steps which I did and then another 2000 steps later in the day, I fulfilled the first one but the second I have only done 300 steps of. HECTIC.
I then spoke to my sponsor and he said that he doesn't believe in consequences. He asked me has loosing money ever stopped you? Has the consequence of challenge ever stopped you? My answer was no. What did stop me was a relationship with Hashem meaning praying for the person I was lusting for and If I broke a barrier I would have to tell my sponsor. I would read some SA literature every day and I would speak to someone every day admitting I am an addict, admitting that Hashem was the one helping me and not myself and telling them about about my struggles and victories with regards to Lust, Resentment and Fear. 

I did enjoy the feeling of being diciplined but I question how long it will last.

My sponsor then explained that the consequences of my actions have come through my step one. Realising how powerless I am and how unmanageable my life has become.
The consequences of me acting out have been in the past...

1. Physically and emotionally hurting family members (Physical was limited but it happened)
2. Staying up to times that I di
3. Failing/Falling behind in Uni subject's
4. Neglecting work responsibilities 
5. Neglecting Friendships/making bad friendships including those of the opposite gender to feed my addiction
6. Friendships with the opposite gender being for my benefit and not theirs
7. Created major social anxiety for an extended period
8. Caused depression through High school and a little beyond
9. Caused My teachers to run after me and have to try pick up the pieces
10. Caused my parents to run after me and pick up the pieces
11. My Torah learning is very difficult and I struggle to hold a sugya, (doing better but could have been worlds above my level)
12. Dragging my chavrusas through a sugya through exhaustion and thick headedness due to my acting out.
13. Me being very disorganised and all over the place due to lack of taavah control

These he said I need to be mindful of, these are real, 2000 steps is also real, but not as meaningful.
Hashem has shown me a path and I see it more clearly now through writing.
I hope everyone who is struggling with this addiction will get true Siyata Dishmaya.

Vehkam wrote on 23 Nov 2022 00:53:

@vehkam, thank you. My heart is breaking because I so relate to your experience. I’m so sorry that happened to you. No, you didn’t choose to party away decades of your life and I didn’t choose to spend 40 years having unsavory sex with strangers and here we are. I am always available to you to talk. By email, pm, phone, anything you like. Thanks again for this post. TG

A good friend here on GYE mentioned to me that it might be helpful to talk a bit more about the contributing factors to my addiction.  I will try to describe some of it.  There are parts that i cannot write.  

I was never comfortable with my body.  I saw my private parts as shameful in their need to be covered.  I did not know anything about sex or sexual feelings (until about 11th grade).  However, I did go to sleep away camp quite young.  I was molested in camp when i had just turned 7.  It was not penetrative, not that that really makes a difference. 

The molester was probably in his early teens.  For some reason the person who was supposed to be teaching our learning group (just a few kids my age) often did not show up.  Instead this teenager was put in charge of our group.  For some reason I was always getting in "trouble" even though i was not particularly a troublemaker.  The punishments for my "trouble making" quickly became inappropriate in nature.  Somehow, he convinced me that i deserved it and i was scared to tell anyone.  He also convinced me that he was my special friend.  I was mortified when he made me pull down my pants.  He would sometimes give me a choice of how and where he should pinch or hit me.  I did not like it and i did not want him to do it but i did not feel like i had a choice so i just let him do it and hoped that it would not last too long.  It usually didn't. 

​Apparently, he was doing this to another kid as well.  One day he decided that he was going to punish both of us together.  I was friends with the other kid.  We told each other that we would not look at each other so as not to embarrass each other.  (at that age the idea of my privates being seen by someone else was worse than the touching that this teenager was doing).  When he heard us tell each other that we would not look at each other, he said that he would make us look.  I was miserable.  Somehow either someone got wind of what was happening or hashem just had rachmonus on me, but I was transferred out of his group before he had a chance to implement this punishment.  I never told anyone about this and i really did not think much about it until many years later.  

There were some other incidents that contributed as well. One of them was probably even more impactful than what happened in camp but i hesitate to put it in writing because the person involved could not have known how deeply they were scarring me and i would not want it to ever be attributed back to them.   

What happened because of these incidents was that i sexualized certain feelings.  As i matured, i did not mature with a healthy understanding of sex and sexual feelings.  Those sexual feelings and urges that i had were distorted and problematic and they could not be satisfied in a normal healthy sexual relationship.  In fact i could not decipher the difference between healthy and unhealthy attractions.  I had a very difficult time feeling connected and accepted anywhere. I was unaware of this and have only recognized most of this after the fact.

I fantasized a lot.  Even before i knew anything about sex.  Through fantasizing i discovered masturbation.  That was my safe place.  Even when i was doing well in Yeshiva, i needed to masturbate and fantasize.  I felt compelled to do it even though i absolutely knew it was wrong.  When i became old enough to access pornography and live interactions i had absolutely no resistance.  Both of these further fueled my fantasies into deeper and darker places.  In my fantasies i was deeply connected to the sexualized feelings that i had developed from when i was young.  Of course, as soon as i was finished, i was blanketed by deeply feelings of remorse, guilt and shame.  Since i was not equipped to deal with the problem, the only way out of the guilt was to go back into the fantasies.  Eventually the fantasies were not enough and i needed live interactions with others to make the experience fulfilling.  

Beneath the surface of all of this was a need to connect and share. These feelings and fantasies were not things i could possibly share with anyone in my frum life.  So i started to connect with other people that shared similiar interests.  Over the years some of these people became close friends.  They knew i was religious.  It was hard to hide it.  It is hard to explain as it seems absurd, but i felt a need to make a kiddush hashem by my behavior even in that world!  In the beginning i would not use foul language.  Eventually that wore off. It is impossible not to be affected in that environment and although i was still very religious, my language, kashrus, learning and davening were all affected.  

I hope that this provides some missing context to my story.  There was always an idealistic side to me.  The part of me that was engaged in these behaviors was very much compartmentalized.  Alas, the guilt held me back from realizing true growth for way too many years.  The behaviors that i engaged in were never really something that i chose from scratch.  There were absolutely deep-rooted factors that led to my unfortunate choices.   Given an even choice my dream was always to be a complete shomer torah umitzvos.  I didn't choose to party away decades of my life because i thought i could get away with it.  I never felt like i had a choice.  It also was a pretty miserable existence having to hide so much.  I would not go back to such an existence for all the money in the world.