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10 Mar 2025 00:26
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chosemyshem
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Easy peasy book. Link is in my signature. An interesting read, though it seems like it doesn't work for most folks.
I think the "find the fox" technique in F2F is a variant of the "addictive voice recognition" technique which is a repackaging of the easy peasy method.
Hatzlacha
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09 Mar 2025 19:18
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thegrave
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Allen Carr is an American author who helped over 50 million people quit various addictions most notably smoking.
Recently I read a slightly modified version on P although it was not written by him it was and still is profoundly helpful.
you can find his book on amazon It's not very expensive and with some creativity i think you can see how it helps PMO not just smoking.
here's an example of what I mean:
"The whole business of smoking (porn) is like forcing yourself to wear tight shoes just to get the pleasure of taking them off."- Allen Carr
if you don't want to buy it or if you want the version that helped me tremendously you can reach out: thegravegye@gmail.com
may we all break free, Hatzlacha.
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09 Mar 2025 05:33
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littleneshamale
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Shavuah tov, thank you @altehmirrer for being here. Keeps me sane knowing there's ppl out here with me. Bh shabbos was nice - stayed strong over shabbos and motzei shabbos. Unfortunately I didn't completely keep shabbos, I didn't use me phone but I used my vape over shabbos a lot. I rlly hope im not just creating a new addiction, but I honestly think that's just hopeful thinking. But my mind in regards to this site has been strong and bezH am going to begin the program on here this week. This week will be better.
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07 Mar 2025 19:30
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time2win
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time2win wrote on 04 Mar 2025 01:44:
I moved on, bruised, wounded and hurting deep inside, but still a fully frum Jew and ben Torah. Then the next blow came.
To be continued...
My Story Part 7...
I got a call from a sibling telling me that Dad was sick and... there was no cure. A terminal, debilitating illness.
The news hit me like a sucker punch to the solar plexus. After crying and getting over the initial shock, I gathered myself together and took a deep breath. It was going to be ok. After all, I knew the best Doctor in the world. I spoke to him every day. He was the "Borei Refuos Oseh Chadashos." It didn't matter if the doctors said there was no cure. They weren't God.
I began working extra hard on my bitachon and tefillah. So, while acknowledging the seriousness of the situation, I was nonetheless optimistic for a recovery. My (less shtark) family members viewed my optimism as naïve and quixotic.
Slowly but surely my dad's condition continued to deteriorate, and it was hard to muster enthusiasm in my tefillah. At this point, a recovery would have been an open miracle. I recall one time during Birchos Krias Shema during shacharis that the words became so heavy in my mouth. I just couldn't continue. What kind of ridiculous charade was I engaging in? Clearly, I was either talking to the wall or to a God who couldn't care less, who did not value my hopes and tefillos regarding my father's fate one iota.
I began turning to lust to escape the pain. Nothing crazy. No M, just browsing racy songs on spotify/youtube and pretty vanilla inappropriate pictures (no videos). I hated this behavior, as I knew it was damaging my relationship with God, which I desperately needed, but I felt like I had no choice. I just needed to escape the hurt. While this was the first time I used P and the like in the addictive/drug sense, I wouldn't say I was an addict at this point. Far from it.
In the last few weeks of his life, my dad lay in bed in effectively a vegetative state. Soon, Teva won out over Tefillah and he died. It was obviously a very difficult time. While this experience was disillusioning and painful, it was not traumatic as was my experience described in my previous post, Once again, I picked myself up, said gam zu litovah and moved on with my life. Still not an addict.
Thanks for reading. Have a good shabbos everyone.
To be continued...
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05 Mar 2025 21:36
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pomegranate
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optimisticcheetah wrote on 05 Mar 2025 17:03:
Hi, day 15 here. Grateful that I'm clean. Been feeling a lot of emotions, some sadness, loneliness, and negative self talk. I'm aware that when coming off an addictive behavior or substance it's common to struggle with emotional regulation. It's been tough, curious to hear if others have experienced similar thing. For me life is a roller coaster and I have hard time being comfortable with the uncomfortable. When I a am uncomfortable I seek comfort and acting out has provided a distraction from everyday discomfort in the past. IYH hashem will help me deal with life in a healthy way. I strive to continue to make progress one day at a time.
Until next time,
Optimistic Cheetah
Hi there Reb Optimistic Shlit"a,
I definitely agree about all the emotions, exactly what I'm going through. I can't remember if I read this somewhere or if I imagined it but it seems to me like the nisyonos are coming to guide me into learning how to regulate my emotions, rather than the emotional storm being a bi product of fighting the nisyonos. The GYE daily programs and f2f have been an amazing guide for me in working on this. I've got a loooooooong way to go but drawing strength from you and all the great Chevrah here. Thank you!! Wishing you only Hatzlocho!
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05 Mar 2025 17:03
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optimisticcheetah
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Hi, day 15 here. Grateful that I'm clean. Been feeling a lot of emotions, some sadness, loneliness, and negative self talk. I'm aware that when coming off an addictive behavior or substance it's common to struggle with emotional regulation. It's been tough, curious to hear if others have experienced similar thing. For me life is a roller coaster and I have hard time being comfortable with the uncomfortable. When I a am uncomfortable I seek comfort and acting out has provided a distraction from everyday discomfort in the past. IYH hashem will help me deal with life in a healthy way. I strive to continue to make progress one day at a time.
Until next time,
Optimistic Cheetah
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05 Mar 2025 15:04
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BenHashemBH
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Golden message from the Maggid of Mezritch on Yosef's temptation by Eishes Potifar and how he recognized and thereby overcame the nisayon.
1:05-1:13 in rabbi YY's speech on Torah Anytime
Addicts Can't Find Healing in Temporary Pleasures
Rabbi YY Jacobson
https://torahanytime.com/lectures/225388
The problem is not the addiction. The urges are genuine and the void is real. I'm not a terrible person for the pull. My challenge is that I yearn for wholeness and I don't know where to find it or how to feel it. So I ascribe power and value to false things that either temporarily substitute for it, or numb me from it. I've read here b'shem Rabbi Daniel Kalish that "pornography is a bad answer to a good question". That's why the solution to addiction is not sobriety, rather it is connection. Don't throw away the question, dig deep for the real answer - that's where you will discover your shleimus. When that happens, those same pulls will bring you closer to yourself and to Hashem.
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04 Mar 2025 22:52
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iwillmanage
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chosemyshem wrote on 04 Mar 2025 16:32:
Well. There I was filter poking away. And found my way onto a certain forum site with all the pornographic content I could wish for. And started taking a look or two. But one of my search terms popped up the below burningly painful letter from a spouse who caught her partner looking at porn.
Read carefully . . .
To the PA (Ed: "porn addict") who loves his partner but has shattered her world, If you are here, lurking in this [forum], searching for answers, maybe even for hope, I need you to read this carefully. Because this is what it feels like to be me, the person who trusted you, loved you, stood by you, only to be blindsided by deception over and over again. Betrayal trauma is not just sadness. It is not just anger. It is a complete rewiring of my brain, a deep, physical shock to my system. It is waking up every morning with a pit in my stomach, a constant hum of anxiety in the background of my life. It is questioning everything, every moment, every word, every touch. It is looking back at our memories and wondering how many of them were real. It is realizing that the man I thought I knew, the man I felt so deeply connected to, was living a double life right in front of me. I did not just lose trust in you. I lost trust in myself, in my own instincts, in my ability to feel safe and loved. Do you know what that does to a person? Do you even begin to understand the weight of that? You say you love me. But love is not just words or grand gestures or booking trips. Love is protection. Love is honesty. Love is making choices that keep me safe, even when they are hard. And you did not do that. Not once. Not when we first met, not when we built a life together, not when I gave you chance after chance. Every time you chose secrecy, every time you minimized or withheld the truth, you made a choice that pushed me further away. And now, you are standing here, asking me to believe that this time is different. That this time you really mean it. I want to believe you. God, I want to believe you so badly. But do you understand how hard that is when you have rewritten our entire history with your lies? Your addiction, your secrecy, your inability to face the full weight of what you have done, it has changed me. I will never be the same woman I was before all of this. The carefree, trusting, deeply in-love version of me, you broke her. And maybe you did not mean to. Maybe you were too lost in your own shame, your own self-loathing, your own compulsions to truly see what you were doing. But intentions do not undo damage. So if you are here, lurking, searching for proof that redemption is possible, let me tell you what I need. I need absolute honesty. Not half-truths. Not omissions. Not damage control when you are caught. I need to know that you can sit with your shame, face your failures, and still choose me over your own fear of discomfort. I need to know that you understand what you have done to me, not just that you feel guilty, but that you get how deeply this has wounded me. I need to see actions, not just hear words. Because right now, I am holding the last frayed threads of my patience. And if you truly want to rebuild, to prove to me that you are more than the sum of your worst choices, you need to meet me at my pain. Not run from it, not hide behind excuses, not make this about your struggle alone. If you love me, truly love me, prove it. Because this time, words will never be enough. The patience and empathy I have shown you so far would have been enough for a lifetime under normal circumstances. Carve that in your mind.
Oh my gosh. That is so powerful, it hits me with the full force of reality. Every single word is so accurate and true. For me this isn't just some overreaction from 'someone's' wife. It's precisely what I put my wife through with my actions. I know because she's described it to me exactly as it's written here. That confusion, the deep shock, the anxiety, the 'pit in the stomach every morning'. The betrayal of the man she felt so deeply connected to having constantly lied to her face. And worst of all, that loss of trust in everyone and everything.
But what's even harder for me to face is the way this so precisely describes my sick attitudes. I know I still suffer from that inability to face the full weight of what I have done. I don't fully get the extent to which she is suffering because of me, I'm still too self absorbed to truly feel her pain. I still resort to sneaky secrecy, half-truths, excuses and damage control, and every time I do that I'm still pushing her away. Love isn't about words and presents. As long as I'm lacking honesty, to myself and to her, those are just cover ups.
Every time I crept into her room to make sure she was asleep before I could lose myself into the world of my fantasies, I was actively ruining people and relationships. Did I mean to? Hell no! I was too lost in my world to see what I was doing. But intention doesn't erase impact. The damage is all too real.
And through all this, the patience and empathy she has shown me would have been enough for a lifetime under normal circumstances.
Thank you Shem for sharing this. It's precious.
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04 Mar 2025 19:07
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hopefulposek
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Just want to say that shem is right on the money as usual, I don't have anything to add except that I found looking at a long term picture very helpful. What kind of life can I live while addicted to porn (and imagine the addiction progressing for another 10-20 years) vs. what kind of life can I have if I continue to work on myself and break out of this addiction. Visualize and have it clear in your mind what it can look like, the beauty of a happy family, giving to others, and being proud of yourself.
And also reach out if you want to shmuz especially during this challenging time, hatzlacha!
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04 Mar 2025 17:00
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redfaced
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chosemyshem wrote on 04 Mar 2025 16:32:
Well. There I was filter poking away. And found my way onto a certain forum site with all the pornographic content I could wish for. And started taking a look or two. But one of my search terms popped up the below burningly painful letter from a spouse who caught her partner looking at porn.
Read carefully . . .
To the PA (Ed: "porn addict") who loves his partner but has shattered her world, If you are here, lurking in this [forum], searching for answers, maybe even for hope, I need you to read this carefully. Because this is what it feels like to be me, the person who trusted you, loved you, stood by you, only to be blindsided by deception over and over again. Betrayal trauma is not just sadness. It is not just anger. It is a complete rewiring of my brain, a deep, physical shock to my system. It is waking up every morning with a pit in my stomach, a constant hum of anxiety in the background of my life. It is questioning everything, every moment, every word, every touch. It is looking back at our memories and wondering how many of them were real. It is realizing that the man I thought I knew, the man I felt so deeply connected to, was living a double life right in front of me. I did not just lose trust in you. I lost trust in myself, in my own instincts, in my ability to feel safe and loved. Do you know what that does to a person? Do you even begin to understand the weight of that? You say you love me. But love is not just words or grand gestures or booking trips. Love is protection. Love is honesty. Love is making choices that keep me safe, even when they are hard. And you did not do that. Not once. Not when we first met, not when we built a life together, not when I gave you chance after chance. Every time you chose secrecy, every time you minimized or withheld the truth, you made a choice that pushed me further away. And now, you are standing here, asking me to believe that this time is different. That this time you really mean it. I want to believe you. God, I want to believe you so badly. But do you understand how hard that is when you have rewritten our entire history with your lies? Your addiction, your secrecy, your inability to face the full weight of what you have done, it has changed me. I will never be the same woman I was before all of this. The carefree, trusting, deeply in-love version of me, you broke her. And maybe you did not mean to. Maybe you were too lost in your own shame, your own self-loathing, your own compulsions to truly see what you were doing. But intentions do not undo damage. So if you are here, lurking, searching for proof that redemption is possible, let me tell you what I need. I need absolute honesty. Not half-truths. Not omissions. Not damage control when you are caught. I need to know that you can sit with your shame, face your failures, and still choose me over your own fear of discomfort. I need to know that you understand what you have done to me, not just that you feel guilty, but that you get how deeply this has wounded me. I need to see actions, not just hear words. Because right now, I am holding the last frayed threads of my patience. And if you truly want to rebuild, to prove to me that you are more than the sum of your worst choices, you need to meet me at my pain. Not run from it, not hide behind excuses, not make this about your struggle alone. If you love me, truly love me, prove it. Because this time, words will never be enough. The patience and empathy I have shown you so far would have been enough for a lifetime under normal circumstances. Carve that in your mind.
Oh. My. Ouchness!!
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04 Mar 2025 16:32
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chosemyshem
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Well. There I was filter poking away. And found my way onto a certain forum site with all the pornographic content I could wish for. And started taking a look or two. But one of my search terms popped up the below burningly painful letter from a spouse who caught her partner looking at porn.
Read carefully . . .
To the PA (Ed: "porn addict") who loves his partner but has shattered her world, If you are here, lurking in this [forum], searching for answers, maybe even for hope, I need you to read this carefully. Because this is what it feels like to be me, the person who trusted you, loved you, stood by you, only to be blindsided by deception over and over again. Betrayal trauma is not just sadness. It is not just anger. It is a complete rewiring of my brain, a deep, physical shock to my system. It is waking up every morning with a pit in my stomach, a constant hum of anxiety in the background of my life. It is questioning everything, every moment, every word, every touch. It is looking back at our memories and wondering how many of them were real. It is realizing that the man I thought I knew, the man I felt so deeply connected to, was living a double life right in front of me. I did not just lose trust in you. I lost trust in myself, in my own instincts, in my ability to feel safe and loved. Do you know what that does to a person? Do you even begin to understand the weight of that? You say you love me. But love is not just words or grand gestures or booking trips. Love is protection. Love is honesty. Love is making choices that keep me safe, even when they are hard. And you did not do that. Not once. Not when we first met, not when we built a life together, not when I gave you chance after chance. Every time you chose secrecy, every time you minimized or withheld the truth, you made a choice that pushed me further away. And now, you are standing here, asking me to believe that this time is different. That this time you really mean it. I want to believe you. God, I want to believe you so badly. But do you understand how hard that is when you have rewritten our entire history with your lies? Your addiction, your secrecy, your inability to face the full weight of what you have done, it has changed me. I will never be the same woman I was before all of this. The carefree, trusting, deeply in-love version of me, you broke her. And maybe you did not mean to. Maybe you were too lost in your own shame, your own self-loathing, your own compulsions to truly see what you were doing. But intentions do not undo damage. So if you are here, lurking, searching for proof that redemption is possible, let me tell you what I need. I need absolute honesty. Not half-truths. Not omissions. Not damage control when you are caught. I need to know that you can sit with your shame, face your failures, and still choose me over your own fear of discomfort. I need to know that you understand what you have done to me, not just that you feel guilty, but that you get how deeply this has wounded me. I need to see actions, not just hear words. Because right now, I am holding the last frayed threads of my patience. And if you truly want to rebuild, to prove to me that you are more than the sum of your worst choices, you need to meet me at my pain. Not run from it, not hide behind excuses, not make this about your struggle alone. If you love me, truly love me, prove it. Because this time, words will never be enough. The patience and empathy I have shown you so far would have been enough for a lifetime under normal circumstances. Carve that in your mind.
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04 Mar 2025 05:37
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lamaazavtuni
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Originally when I started I said I'll post my journey that never happened .... but after dwelling in to my inner self (as in myself) I think it would be beneficial and very helpful to articulate why do I do these behaviors what causes me to need them(unfortunately I still think I need them even if I'm not doing them and basically I'm substituting my need by doing other addictions, smoking binge eating and actually gye) and y am I so unsettled always. So writing this post for accountability not down right now to start but bn will.
ah giteh nacht!!!!!!!!
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04 Mar 2025 03:47
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littleneshamale
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Hey squad, day 3 here of posting. Thought I’d be 3 days clean by now but… I’m not. Slipped up today after work. Wasn’t much of a battle, I kinda just gave in after a few minutes of internal struggle. Didn’t even bother to call my guy. Was just annoyed at someone and was craving nicotine even tho I haven’t had nicotine in over 2 years. But in my office there’s a bunch of ppl near me always using and it got to me, I was craving it but no one would let me use theirs bc they “didn’t want me to be in their dreadful boat” so I was annoyed and went to a diff addiction I have
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02 Mar 2025 12:14
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fighterwithfire
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Hey brother.
It's scary to see someone echoing eerily similar sentiments to those my old self used to ruminate on ("Who am I? Why am I here? What benefit do I bring to the world? Why did Hashem create a hopeless, handicapped, insignificant loser like myself?"). Makes me all the more grateful for who I am today. And if I got out of hell, anyone can.
I was a 17-year-old with overpowering OCD, anxiety and almost nonexistent self-confidence when I discovered pornography. To make a long story short (full story in signature), I was addicted for 5 years. During that time, I went through more emotional pain than I ever thought possible, beat myself up repeatedly (loser, bum, failure, disgrace, pathetic fraud, lowlife, liar--you name it, I thought it), questioned Hashem repeatedly for why He created such a miserable existence such as myself, and was actually angry at Hashem for "putting me" in the situations that I was in (given that I was such a hopeless lost cause, why couldn't Hashem just at least make it easy for me?, etc.).
With enormous pain, countless tears, shame and humiliation, mental self-torture and self-hatred, and many, many mistakes, I eventually learned the truth.
We don't always know why Hashem gives us the challenges and occurrences that we encounter. That comes down to Emunah and Bitachon.
But whatever the situation is, our purpose in life is to react to those situations by emulating Hashem. We can't choose what happens to us in life, but we can choose how we react to it. We know the truth-that Hashem is the Almighty, one, true G-d, that he knows what he's doing (because in the words of Abie Rotenberg: "It's His world, after all"), that He has a master plan that involves each and every single person (even if we have no clue how!), and that he put us in our specific roles for a reason (which we are not privy to know, because otherwise there'd be no such thing as "Emunah"-everything would be undeniably obvious). Our job is to keep emulating Him and walking in His ways, 24/7, regardless. Because ultimately, what defines success is not wealth, or fame, or social acceptance/recognition; nor is it even the amount of times we make Siyumim or finish Shas.
It's whether we fulfilled our purpose in life by responding to the situations we were put in with Emunah and Bitachon, or not. It really is that simple. The Ramchal writes in Derech Eitz Chaim that if a person goes through life without ever thinking: "What am I? What did HaKadosh Baruch Hu put me here to accomplish? What do I want the end result of my life to look like?", it is impossible for him to be successful, regardless of whatever happens to him externally, because he has no chance at recognizing his individual purpose. (And anyone who says "There is nothing I'm here to accomplish. My existence is meaningless" is a Koifer. Just say it like it is. They're claiming that they know better than Hashem, who sees everything and created them to begin with, and that His creating them was meaningless. That's called כפירה.) And it's not a question any person can know the answer to immediately. But it's up to us to provide the answer, and we do that by reacting to life the way an Eved Hashem does. With אמונה.
Today, Chasdei Hashem, I am happily married to the most incredible woman in the world, living and learning in Eretz Yisrael, and living a beautiful life. But the best part of it is that B"H, I now look back and see that every situation, every ounce of pain and torture that I was in was perfectly designed for me by HKB"H to make me into the person that I am today. And while I would never want to relive it, I'm so grateful to Him for every bit of it.
BE"H, you should merit to have that same feeling soon. Keep grinding. It'll come.
Love you brother. All the best,
FWF
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26 Feb 2025 20:51
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ilovehashem247
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thanks for the chizuk guys!
I'm starting to actually believe all your kind words might actually be true 
a few points:
- a major factor of this letter is acknowledging the impact of my actions on my wife and recognition of her pain. This is not an excuse or a pass.
- addiction is all consuming and much more powerful than me. that is step 1
- only Gd can help me, if I let Him. That's step 2 and 3.
- in my experience, my addiction had a cause, and recognizing it helps me to see the big picture and the direction my recovery needs to take
- the fact that there's a cause for my addiction does not excuse my actions in active addiction
- I am never cured of my addiction, but if i work on myself and focus primarily on recovery in all that i do, i can life a sober life.
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