Hi! Just giving you a disclaimer: I have an addiction to sex so what I’m saying might not be nogah you. 
Yes יחוד or not יחוד don’t be in the house with an attractive cleaning lady!!! I just WONT trust myself… agav you should ask a rav it’s very possibly it is a אסיר יחוד.
hatzlachah!

Hey TG,
You are a solid Bal Tshuva! 
That means that you faced situations that you could have done what you used to do for decades and years, but you chose not to. 
Do you remember what posted from the Holy Yismach Moshe? I will repost it just for you, so you see what you did in these 127  days. And what you will continue to do for the next couple of decades. 

So writes the holy tazaddik. 
On Rosh Chodesh Av of year 5144 in the morning, i dreamt and it was revealed to me the following, if a person sinned his whole life, or he was totally immersed with sins, or he was addicted to one specific sin with a strong connection, and afterwards he regrets and cries terribly and he accepts upon himself to not sin anymore, even if he transgressed on all Krisos or Misos Beis Din, he is FORGIVEN! and he doesn't need to do Tshuvas Hamishkol (Tshuva that is weighted, meaning the opposite end of the spectrum of what you sinned in, e,g, a very hard form of tshuva),
Because the pain that he has leaving behind the connection and addiction that he has to that sin, is considered a cleansing as would Tshuvas Hamishkol.
Everything that the Rishonim and the Arizal ZT"L gave out to do these difficult tshuva's is only for someone that wasn't addicted in that sin, then he should fast to atone for the forbidden pleasures that he partook in, however, when someone is addicted to a sin, a whole time his YH is pushing his to do what hes used to be doing, and he refuses and leaves that path of sin over and over with all of his might, he has immense pain to slaughter his YH time and again, and there is no greater tshuva then that!
Blessed is Hashem who wants only good. 

I hope this will motivate all of us suffering with this pain to continue down this path of tshuva, seeing that all of the pain is actually the best medicine on this world. DO NOT DESPAIR! It will get better.

Keep on inspiring us as always. 

Im having a really rough day. Actually crying while typing this...theres something im struggling with beyond masturbation and for me its even more embarrassing. Its not even meant for this forum but i havent found any other support group for this. I dont deal with stress very well. In fact i cant deal with it at all. I used to just fall apart when i got stressed out, but now i started getting angry. sometimes, like today, i get really angry. with myself. with my kids. not with my wife. but i emote very strongly to her and its toxic for us. i complain to her when things get out of hand.
Its so hard for me to say.. i sometimes throw things out of anger which scares my wife. as a kid i had no self esteem at all so im used to thinking that what i say or do doesnt make a difference to people. now as the head of a household its such a no-no to lose it, but im so not used to the fact that my negative emotions actually impact others. 
this is really baring my soul here..i started using bad language to myself. no one else ever heard it from me. i never even revealed it to my therapist..you guys are the first to hear (anyone feel honored?)
it started with what the "he.." then that wasnt satisfying enough so i moved on to "da.." 
now i've "graduated" to the real four-letter-word. i admit this at the risk of losing any respect i may have garnered from my week at GYE.
I feel this is worse than masturbating. when a person masturbates he is experiencing pleasure. this is nothing but an animalistic, low, undignified, subhuman way of reacting to stress. this addiction is worse for me than any sexual issues i struggle with. i know this isnt really a forum for anger and language issues but i dont know of any other anonymous forum..
i struggle with my kids (oldest is just four)...i've been reading all kinds of books and listening to classes and talking to my therapist but i just cant seem to get a handle on it. is there anyone out there struggling with this too? this makes me feel so much worse than a fall to sexual desires. its so goyish and just uuugghh... once or twice ive felt suicidal from the stress. ive never felt that way after a sexual setback. Im so ashamed but im stuck in the YH of anger and cursing. it makes me feel more dirty and damaged than all the pritzus in the world. can anyone relate? can someone help?

peloni almoni wrote on 12 Aug 2015 03:56:

The inventor of the hokey pokey died. His funeral was quite interesting.
First they put his left foot in......

Dear zedj 
your so right! But I  just don’t trust myself… ( for good reasons  )
Like I can see myself if I’m in a ON mood then someone calls to chat abt he’s nisyen I can get aroused and … etc. I have an addiction to this( bh must people don’t) but for me I think it would be better after I’m at least sober a year. Like I don’t want to mess anybody up cv. Even tho do wish to connect with people I love to shimuz but I just can’t trust myself yet… but again your so right it doesn’t have to be mentor to give chizuk in a way sometimes a person on the same page as you can give better chizuk then someone that’s past it already… take care! Gut chidash!

I should say that I was never heavily addicted, it was more of a on and off struggle over the years. 
his coaching method is thought work. Changing the patterns in our brain. Lots of compassionate thinking and exercises. Being curious about ourselves and our urges, thereby letting them be, so they can fade away,  rather than fighting them and being judgmental toward ourselves. 
You need to want to change and believe that it’s possible for this to work. 

sorry, I accidentally deleted my post!  Thank you for opening up here. I am confident that you will make great strides, and be able to see yourself in a much better light.

​Almost everyone has an inner desire to connect and be accepted. often that desire is not fulfilled and we seek it out in other places, such as fantasy land. This is very common and has nothing to do with abuse.  The feeling is addictive, but there are many tools here to help you break free from that.

with regard to regret, and teshuva, do not worry about that now.  just follow a plan to improve your behaviors, and the rest will come naturally.  

best wishes
vehkam

@Yosef Hamelech
You are getting it! Once you actually do it a bunch of times, you will understand it clearly and see what i mean thats it not what YOU are but a small part of your brain. 
To clarify, i spoke about 2 different ideas. 
1 is Urge Surfing, thats for when the desire starts burning, just to watch it rise and then fall like a wave, not too deep stuff.
2 Diffusion, this is where you learn to stop thinking about the desire as a part of you that you want, but rather learn to know what YOU really want and the desire is just something that your addicted brain wants because of some neuroplasticity that will weaken with time as you stop using those pathways. Its harder work but a game changer for people like us. 
And no, that problem i had 2 days ago went away BH, but im in more pain now, look at my post called Perfectionism and Addiction for more info.

chancy wrote on 14 Feb 2023 16:11:

Thanx @chancy for elaborating. I  didn't respond right away to your post (I needed some time to think it over), but if you're still having a hard time like you wrote, I just wanna say that you're really a chizuk to me and many other guys here, and it'll give us all strengh to see you push through this nisayon.

I think that I'm BH finally starting to understand urge surfing. Here's what I was thinking.......
I get very strong urges because this is what I created for myself. These cravings are just this illusion that I'm imagining of me getting immense pleasure if I masturbate. The reason why these illusions are so elaborate is because I watched porn which hyper stimulated how i picture sex, and because my brain really wants the feeling that I get from masturbating (again), so it makes me imagine that it will be much more enjoyable than it actually is (like many of us, I don't even enjoy it anymore at this point.....). These intense cravings aren't something natural, they're something external that I created over time from acting out, by making my brain crave more and more of it. If I don't give in to the urge, it will go away because it's only a mirage, not actually a part of me that I need to fill.
With this in mind, all I need is to put in a little bit of strengh to take a step back from the urge and see it for what it really is instead of letting myself get overwhelmed and giving in to it. If I do this, the urge will just go away because there's nothing fueling it anymore. This will train my brain that when I feel an urge, it doesn't actually mean that I need to act out, which in turn, will cause the urges to get less and less with every time that I don't give in.

chancy wrote on 15 Feb 2023 20:35:

@chancy, I love your posts. You write very toichendige stuff, and so clearly. I couldn't agree more. We have to see the Hashem that loves us and appreciates every drop of hard work we do for him. He does not expect or demand perfection, He demands that we keep trucking!!! Keep posting and inspiring!

chancy wrote on 15 Feb 2023 20:35:

Wow this is a big pekel to schlep around

But let me tell you, you are not shleping alone, I’m schlepping the same pekel, [but I don’t think it’s the type that gets easier when someone helps you shlep]

But I do think that there are two factors in what you wrote

1. The way we look at the relationship we have with Hashem, is it someone who loves us, like a (health) father loves his kids, when he struggles, he sees that he is in pain, and tries to get him help etc.

Or is Hashem a BIG strong bully, and he says if you do the what I want then good, but if not I have big stick and it’s going to hurt, I could kill people like hostages, and it’s all gonna be your fault.

[I know the rambam]

2. Perfectionism, that we think we need to be perfect. I think its another problem

[but for some reason a lot of people have both, it looks like they are related]

You’re an inspiration

All the best

Hi Everyone, 
I want to write an article about something that's bothering me very deeply and i think a lot of GYE members have the same problem, so hopefully some good will come from this article. 
There is a famous saying "dont let the perfect be the enemy of the good" What that means is in short, dont stop doing something that you know is good just because its not perfect or what you wanted it to be. The question is why? why not? If its not perfect whats the point? Thats called perfectionism. 
Perfectionism can come from a lot of different places, ill talk about my own experience, please note, im in a lot of pain now hopefully pain of growth. So dont think too badly of me when you read this. 
I had a difficult childhood, maybe not compared to a lot of people here, I was never abused or physically neglected BH, but i had a very very sad youth, lots of different reasons for that, one of the main reasons is that i was surrounded by death, from when i can remember, i lost a family member every year sometimes an uncle, aunt, cousin, close family friend, boy from school i knew, etc.... so i was both terrified of death and very sad, i didnt have many friends or close siblings, so i was alone and sad, a very bad mixture. I believe that is what caused me to turn to sex as a coping mechanism that was my only outlet that i could forget and be happy sort of. 

As i grew up, i started blaming myself for everything that would go wrong, everything was my fault because i didnt listen to my parents or i wasnt a good enough boy, etc. When i started realizing that masturbation is a big problem, that increased my guilt feeling a hundredfold. Of course bad things are happening, its my fault! This was ingrained into me the older i got, when i realized that in order to be safe from punishment you need to be a good yid and do everything hashem asks me to do, i came to the realization that why would people wait untill they are middle age and have a midlife crises and then start behaving? Ill start behaving now and therefore avoid all the pain! But as we all know, addiction cant be just switched off, so i suffered thru my teen years using my coping mechanism masturbation and porn plus feeling guilty as heck. 
Every time I wanted to stop was for this reason, so i can finally feel safe and know that i will be protected from all bad things because im a good boy.
Sadly, this is what actually got me to where I am now, my longest streak since probably the age of 9. 
You would think this is good? No! Im a perfectionist, because if im not perfectly serving Hashem, then im still not safe, and of course this has no end, there is always that i can improve on need to improve, there are always people that are greater then me and make me feel guilty why im not more like them, etc... So on and on i went trying to make myself perfect and burning myself out, but its impossible to be perfect! 
What happened to me is that got very sensitive to hearing bad news especially to other yiden especially of ones i considered to be good yiden, Because if even good erliche tzadikim suffer, then whats the point of me? its still not safe!

This is the cause of a lot of perfectionists, the need to feel that im good enough either to be safe or loved or worthy, so you burn yourself out and then the good that you do stops meaning anything and then you stop doing that.
Thats the point of the saying "Dont let the perfect be the enemy of the good" if you focus on perfectionism, you will ruin the good.
So if you are in the beginning stages of your journey, learn how to accept every little win and focus. Dont be pulled into being perfect, tell yourself" Im trying my best, giving it all i can, Hashem sees that and will have mercy on me" 

iLoveHashem247 wrote on 15 Feb 2023 00:56:

Thanks!
Glad you’re well bh buddy

YeshivaGuy wrote on 12 Feb 2023 22:04:

That’s a tough one… I went out with 60+

but the one I ended up with is the perfect one for me. 

took me years to get to the point of doing cheshbon hanefesh and compiling a list of the top 10 character traits I needed then married the first girl I went out with after doing that.

looked for someone I could bear to look at with at least 3 of the traits. 

ended up with someone who at first I looked at as average looking then after un-addicting myself and getting to know her more personally realized I got the best that Hashem could have ever offered me 

hopefully you will grow from your journey and remember that each one you date is one step closer to a better you and one step closer to your chuppa BH

whoever marries a ben-Aliyah like you will be very special and very lucky 

Let me tell you a story thats happening right now in my head and my body. 
I am on my longest streak in 25 years. And everything was going swimmingly since it started doing what i described above. 
Yesterday while im taking an online course, i was connected as part of the training to a workstation somewhere whoknowswhere.....
As i ws working on that computer, i thought hey, this doesnt have a filter! let me check to make sure. and of course i did and saw there is obsulutly no filter, here i am siting alone at home and im able to look at what i want to my hearts content! my heart was pounding of excitement adraniline was rushing thru me like a river. i thought i will explode. I waited one minute and since i have done this a million times, my brain was able to get back into shape very quickly and i was able to look at it from the outside, saying i know i dont want this and this is just something that my brain remembers from all the years i have done it, and i just moved on. The urge is still there. But its not near overwhelming becuase i saw it for what it is and its not stronger then my actual sensible brain. You ask about Heroin addiction, the same ouwld be true for them as well. What do you think they do in the rehab facilities and addiction centers, they teach them how to resist the urge. 

Let me continue my story, after yesterdays win, was very depressed not becuase of it, but im in a rut lately, so today in the morining i decided to go to the mikvah to purify myself and maybe get better. I knew its risky but i wasnt in the mood of listening to my sensible part. So i went/ Oh do i regret that decision!!! I gave my brain so much fuel! It was so stupid of me to go, I now have to fight much harder untill it goes away. 
Why am i telling you this? becuase i have learned a lesson, the less you give in the easier it will be. 
So if you think your desires are overwhelming, belive me when i say, they will stop being overwhelming if only you stop listening a few times. It will be very hard a few times, then it will be hard an then medium and then easy and sometimes the very hard part will happen again. 
My point is that if you want to win this  battle, you gotta get some tough skin and fight for a bit, no ohter way. It will get easier. Please belive me, ive been there and done that. and im writing this in middle of a huge struggle i have no idea how i will pass the day, but i know that i will not fall.