Hashem is always with you. In the Torah it says "I am Hashem who took you out of Egypt". It does not say "who created heaven and earth. This is to teach us that he is our Hashem even when we are on the lowest levels of impurity as the Jews were in Egypt (see nesivos shalom)

Thank you.  I have to keep up with this.

I know it would break the spirit of anonymity to actually list my Hebrew name, but at least in spirit we can all daven for each other.  I especially feel the need to be davened for given the health issues that I experience, even if not yet determined to be life threatening (which is a condition some hold to be on a mishaberach list).  

I'll try to keep up with this, as it may help me in the end.  So many people have been helped by this.  I know that I can as well.

Hashem has been very good to me in the past, and I have blown it.  But despite my failings, I hope Hashem is still with me and will help me with both of my problems.

My dear friend, I'm so sorry for the pain and hardship. May hashem help you see the end of it soon. And please stick around, welcome to the family, we care about you, we want to hear from you, we want to know how you are, so please keep sharing. There are many good things to learn on this site, so spend some time here, connect to the chevrah, and beH you'll get past this issue. 

You're certainly in the right place for that .
I'm sorry for all the hardships that you've been going through.
Keep on posting and become part of this wonderful brotherhood.
Hatzlocha

Thank you for your kind words.  I will try to beat this problem with Hashem's help.

Stick around! This can be the start of a real change and tshuva! Dont beat yourself up, you are a good person and if your right and Hashem is sending you a message you are even more special! Hashem believes in you and we do to! Try the Flight 2 Freedom program its a game changer!

In November, I made the biggest mistake of my life.

Except that I made a bigger mistake of not really doing anything about my problems even earlier.  While I make attempts and do hold on for a while (at a minimal level), in the end, I do break down and commit the worst.

As I have been married for a while, logically I feel as though I should not have these issues anymore.  But I am still trapped.  Only because I have come across with new health problems do I finally realize that I have to be serious this time.  I hope that G-d can forgive me.

So what happened in November?  Well, I had imagined for a few days that I was due to have a special night with my wife because my secular birthday was coming up.  My wife has been very good to me in so many ways, and has even kept up with decent S frequency due to my increased libido.  But she works very hard and generally comes to bed tired and our intimacy is extremely vanilla.  I was hoping for really special (including oral stimulation which she only rarely agrees to), but she bled which meant that we had to postpone.  The bleeding was unexpected as she had only gone to mikveh a few days earlier.

Unfortunately, I just lost it.  I M'd excessively that day due to anger.  (In retrospect this surprised me, since over the previous few months I had been pretty good on not M (Hz"l) during my wife's tuma days, even though I had been terrible about looking at things.  Somehow I thought I had been over this part of the addiction, as I generally do pray for Hashem to withhold my urges to M, even though I had not been as careful with images.)

The excessive M has led to urinary pain and frequency issues.  (Secondarily, sexual problems have also resulted but not sever enough to warrant treatment.)  Overactive bladder or prostatitis or enlarged prostate - not really sure of a diagnosis, but I have been seeing doctors and physical therapists without the issue fully resolving, although some of the medicines have led to some symptom improvement.  I may need surgery, Hashem Yerachem.  (I am so sorry for abusing myself and abusing the Torah.)

My doctors have dismissed the connection between M and my health issues, but I know that this is middah knegged middah for abuse of that makom that handles both urinary and sexual functions.

So while I know that none of you can help with the health issues, I have come to realize that I can still try to do something about my addiction issues that I know got me to this mess.  Yes, I may not be doing this completely lishma, but I hope that if G-d sees that I am really trying to address the addiction, G-d will help me with the health issues.  And maybe if I can overcome the addiction while I am suffering, I can maintain overcoming this addiction if/when the health issues resolve. 

My wife is partially aware of my problems given that she is aware of my medical condition and given that I admitted to her that I believe I caused this by M.  (Like the doctors she dismissed the connection.)  She is also aware that I have some problems with shmirat einayim, but is not fully aware of the extent.  She would (rightfully) divorce me if she had full understanding, but I am extremely lucky that she is being very supportive of me as I work through the struggles of both health issues and addiction.

So I am looking for hizuk, support, practical suggestions to get beyond this, with the understanding that I am also not physically healthy anymore and I do suffer pain and frequency issues in my makom and some erectile dysfunction as well.

Whereas a few years ago, I would have said that I was just somebody who committed a very common aveira that is rampant in the secular world, I now realize that I am actually a severe addict and that simply installing filters will not be enough.

I am also happy to provide warnings to others to keep on fighting and to not become as bad as me.  Stop everything or you might relapse into M (and from occasional M to frequent M which does in fact lead to health problems as one gets older, despite what the secular world will say).  M is not only one of the biggest aveiros, it does lead to actual health problems.  Especially Prostatitis.

In short,I seek feedback:

HELP!

Provide hizuk!

Provide suggestions!

I really want this addiction to end and I do not want to relapse again.

cordnoy wrote on 15 Aug 2023 17:01:

this exactly what I meant  And lets leave the discussion what Judaism is for a different time 
I didnt really mean to put it aside, I meant that to say that thats Jewish perspective is not sure at all

cordnoy wrote on 15 Aug 2023 17:01:


Sounds kinda like the point I made in the line following the one you bolded:

connected wrote on 15 Aug 2023 16:34:



P.S. Why and to whom are you thankful that you held back from commenting?

connected wrote on 15 Aug 2023 16:34:

I have been readin' this back n' forth (as i read everythin') and was tempted to comment several times - thankfully I held back, but this line (bolded above) struck a 'cord,' and it's been a constant theme here, I think. Why is 'Jewish perspective' equated with 'punishment'? And why is 'livin' life' disassociated from 'Jewish perspective'?

• Punishment - I will steer away from (although i disagree and certainly question some of the assertions mentioned above).
• Jewish perspective - it is difficult for many of us to ignore this, as it is part of our fabric. If your entire life is spent bein' addicted to lust and fantasies involved with that, from a Jewish perspective, you are not doin' great at all (regardless of actions not committed).
• Livin' life - the most important factor for me.

Godspeed

No Mask wrote on 15 Aug 2023 16:01:

I hear you.
I don't see this leading me anywhere productive.
I can spend my entire life addicted to lust and suffering its consequences, but from a Jewish perspective, I'm doing great.
Am I doing great, though? Is there a reality where "Jewish perspective" and "life" are separate entities?

To reiterate, I posted about myself. If you don't find your reality described in my lines, we'll have to assume we're different folks and therefore need different strokes. Or perhaps I'll come to see the light one day. Or maybe not.

Ah, some good ol' philosophizin'.

connected wrote on 15 Aug 2023 13:20:

Thats why i wrote FROM A JEWISH PERSPECTIVE 
And lets leave the discussion what Judaism is for a different time 

and to be honest I take this whole struggle only from a illness point of view,
because of a few points 
but one of the main points is yours 

No Mask wrote on 15 Aug 2023 05:31:

I understand where you're coming from, and if it works for you, run with it. I've been there for a while, even when I seriously started working on this (last year after Pesach), and the way I see it is that as long as I don't admit the extent of my issue, I have no chance of healing it.

I don't do so many punishable activities, true. And therefore? Is my only goal here to stay out of hell in the afterlife? What about the hell of not being able to have a healthy relationship with my wife because she doesn't perform like the stars on the screen as I've come to expect? What about the hell of getting mad at my son for calling me from bed because he interrupted my porn search? What about the hell of not being able to have a normal work relationship with a female co-worker because I trained my mind to only see her body? I can go on, but I think you get my point.

True, there's no punishment after death for addiction without acting on it, but I want to live a better life here and now, and as long as I'm in denial, I haven't a chance.

So, am I an addict? No clue. It probably depends on whom I'd ask, but I can't let my inaction fool me.

Hi,
Something that addicts understand it HALT Hungry Angry Lonely Tired:
When I experience these I feel more vulnerable to acting out.
If I am lonely I make sure to call someone that knows about my struggle.
I am in SA so this is easy.
Calling ones wife is another way. Or just calling someone.
I have people from overseas I can call from SA.
I know if I was in a hotel I would have to make multiple calls.
I have a boundary list that I can't go on TV on my own, others don't allow past a certain time. boundaries are person dependent. I know for example access on a smartphone triggers a lust drive but I know someone who has full access but has full control as he knows what lust will do to him if he succumbs. 
Basically if I feel venerable I share, that way I learn, and that way I am safer.
All the best

This is why davening for the person that I am lusting after is so important. It means I am no longer lusting and Hashem has turned this object back into a human being in my head. Yes I am an addict and I do think of the most lustful thaughts but I talk to Hashem about what I want to do without leaving out any important details so Hashem can take them away from me. I then Daaven for that person that they have a good day and have good relationships for I know that I don't want a relationship, I want touch, lust and sex with this person. 
Living with them is another story.