TO first answer the title.......Fell shmell!!! GET UP AND KEEP ON TRUCKING!!! No loosing hope, there is still a way!!! You will do it!!

Now, practically speaking, you probaly know of something you can do, what's with filters? Do you have a friend that you can call when you start feeling the urge? Are you in touch with anyone here through PM or email?

I learned that I need to get out of myself, myself is an extremely dangerous place to be, the more I get out, the safer I am.

It's a new day, Today is here!!! Stay SOBER just for today!! You can do it!!

i am late in here, first thanks for coming in and sharing your story.
then another thanks for making such giant steps.

in regards to your wife, i would suggest, if you can have a really open talk with her, that you are really sorry for her, and you have terrible charutah on what you did to her, and you feel her pain, and you cant sleep at night because of her, best would be if you can share some tears in front of her, i doubt you can do that, but if you would i can guarantee you that you will save your marriage, now in these talks you should never tell her your struggles, well she cant understand that for now, you should only excuse yourself, and keep begging her for mercy, now if its really hard for you to do so, then the best approach would be with a letter to her, and write down your apologies to her, and that you hope one day she will be so happy with you as never before, buy her a gift together with the letter, and just keep the whole talk into one direction, that you feel her pain and you understand it, and you have really charuta on what you did, and you can promise her it will never happen again, and your bad feelings for her, and so on.

its really heartbreaking your story and you will struggle alot to get your wife confident with you, but dont worry with your effort and your therapist and rav you will make it.

just KEEP ON TRUCKING!

David keep on trucking you're a inspiration to us all!!

Lizhensk wrote:


Sorry to hear about that episode. But to be honest and share my reaction with you, may I remind you of the story about the drunk guy whose children were embarrassed with their father's drunken behavior. So once when he was in a sober state, they took him to observe a drunkard who was wallowing in the filthy sewer. They figured this would help their father realize how repulsive his drinking habits really are. But instead, the father bent down to the miserable drunkard and asked, "Tell me my friend, where did you get such good wine?"

So my dear friend, I'm sure you get the Nimshal. צרת רבים חצי נחמה We're all in the same boat. We all need Rachamei Shomayim every second lest we slip and fall faster and harder... But on the other hand, we all need to realize that it is just a הסתר פנים - but actually Hashem is right there, waiting for us to get up and KEEP ON TRUCKING!

ואף גם זאת ... לא מאסתים ולא געלתים ... כי אני ה' אלקיהם

Hatzlacha,

MT

Pidaini, as before you did not understand what I wrote. I will not make another attempt because as before (on another thread) your questions appear to be rhetorical, not informational. In other words, you couldn't care less what I think.

Dr. Watson, I think you don't like my method and you are politely asking me never to discuss it again here. You claim that it's detrimental, but you haven't brought any evidence to that effect.

I think you guys have been on my case long enough. It's well known that addicts have a lot of hostility, and you have been sending it my way. Find somebody else, or call your sponsor, or give it up to G-d. Keep surrendering! Keep up the good work. Keep on trucking.

thanks for coming in to this site, welcome abroad, shalom!
and thanks for sharing to us your story, which means you are starting to open up and thats part of the refuah.

my fellow brother, keep strong, no matter the situation, you will get sober, and your day starts now, one at a time.

KEEP ON TRUCKING!

I masturbated last night. So boring, I can't do porn, so I had a homosexual fantasy. I basically came onto my wife who was dropping hints, I pleased her a tremendous amount, she was really happy, and then when it was my turn I kept stressing out about thinking of her in a demeaning way (which turns me on) because she is pregnant and I have this idea (tested about three times now) that when I think of her that way during pregnancy the delivery gets messy. Obviously I have no proof of this causal connection, but even without proof I couldn't finish with her, so I finished by myself.

Until about five minutes ago I was feeling really fed up with this whole situation (I was formerly happy to sleep in my own bed and stay sober but she got panic attacks and I had to go to her bed,) I figured I am just going to masturbate through the pregnancy, I can't let my wife get anxious when she is pregnant because I am sleeping in a different bed. After almost ten years of marriage it became harder for me to stay sober because now she is sort of crazy about me, but she doesn't turn me on. She doesn't like dressing up etc. and I don't want her to because I don't like being dependent on her. And she doesn't kiss me, we can't make love. I always have to do all the work to get her out of her shell (self-defeating thoughts) and then she gets turned on, she gets her cookie, and I am sort of on my own after that.

Then I thought maybe I will write to myself anyway. Even if it's just to decide to jump off the wagon for a while. I figured I can't make it worse by deliberating about it. About three minutes later I saw it totally different. I remembered that yesterday I got up extra early so I could write to myself and then go learn before davening, and I used up all my writing time thinking about that, and I cut it short because I realized if I was going to go learn I'd better go. I did not reflect about what I need to do all day so I don't choose to think about sex with my wife. Then I had a great day. I was sort of radiant when I went to work. But I noticed something during the day. I was not using my ability at each moment to remind myself that I did indeed think about sex and that if I engage in other things I will not get turned on more. Instead, I thought about sex a few times, and I was surprised at myself because I waited several seconds or minutes to take corrective action. And I realized that because I cut my writing short in the morning I was not sold on the idea that I am better off turning myself off all day. Whereas the previous several days I did just fine. Then my wife made advances at night and I decided to turn her on.

So when I look it that way it's pretty reasonable. I am in a situation which is more trying than I have been in the past, and I just found a favorable cost benefit analysis to convince myself to put in the effort to turn myself off all day, and it's only been a few days, and instead of waiting a bit to throw any more meat on the fire I decided to start working on something else right away (learning before davening.) Fortunately that other effort worked (I verified that I have a better day,) and now I am very sold on it, and I can go back to concentrating on sleeping next to my wife.

So I might keep on trucking.

If I keep deliberating.

עַל כֵּן יֹאמְרוּ הַמּשְׁלִים בֹּאוּ חֶשְׁבּוֹן תִּבָּנֶה וְתִכּוֹנֵן עִיר סִיחוֹן

Today is day number seven,

Seven is the number symbolizing the seven havens; the highest haven can be reached by every Yid, we need to begin jumping, even we only jump baby jumps, at the end we will reach the sky, the highest sky!

I keep on jumping – I keep on trucking

OK, Start your engines and KOT (keep on trucking)!!!!!!!

just one thing I had learned, Chizzuk means strengthen, and that is great when I actually want to hold myself back from acting out. But at times when the urge is strong I just can't think straight, and my thinking actually tells me that I do want to act out. It's for those times that I really need help, and chizzuk won't do the trick.

Hatzlacha with whatever you do!

wasn't here for a while, was yom tov then i got busy, and then guess what... i fall....

so i am back again, now i am so confused i need to give a real cheshbon hanefesh and see where i should start first.

1) KEEP ON TRUCKING. no more falls with hashems help
2) i dont daven with minyen not shachres and the rest i skip alot of time
3) i forget to make brochos, before and after eating or drinking.
4) i am not doing most of the daily halachos what i need to do.

my lifestyle rolled down so badly that i am seeing me in a dig where i can not come out.

now i want to do real tchuva and start to follow every halacho, but the problem is i see it as a big hill that i cant climb up, what can i do to be able to stay at the minyen shachres and not feeling of getting out of my skin?

next year your kids should take down the sukkah for free

it's great to hear from you
i identify with a lot of what you wrote. the need for acceptance, the fantasizing, the lack of money. good wonderful nameless friends. (how about ZalmanBoruchItcheChaimYonason?)
keep on trucking.

ZemirosShabbos wrote:


and the giraffe gets extra visitors on Chol Hamoed

your attitude is gevaldig
keep on trucking


p.s. these days the leichter gets extra mileage...

I completely relate with you, Let me ask you something, maybe the reason you get depressed is not solely based on "spirituality", maybe it's (also) because of this.

We always have this push "if I masturbate, if I just watch that female form, if I could havemy wife do everything I want her to THEN I would be happy" so the situation gets bad enough and we NEED to be happy (yes, it is only natural to want to be happy).

So we go to that place and let ourselves down and watch porn or masturbate or both (or force our wives to be our sex dolls) and ........nothing!! not only are we not happy afterwards, but the tensions that were chasing us fling back in our faces, and it hurts, and we feel depressed, both because of all the issues that we really have to deal with are right there again, and because we let ourselves be fooled again.

As Alex said, we do not need an outlet, our wives are not made to be sex dolls, and I want to add that we don't just have a "spiritual" problem, we have an addiction (addiction here means doing something self destructive that we have tried stopping and have been unsuccessful~R' Dr. Twerski) and we need to have others help us.

It's awesome that you are reaching out, KOT (Keep On Trucking)!!

Keep on Posting (KOP)

Minus a point or two, I wasn't sure if you wrote that about yourself or if you were just reading my mind.

The one day when I left work, I commented to my co-workers "off to the grindstone".
It's tough at home, but there are so many cute little smiles, it's all worth it.

I'm nowhere near 41 days clean.
In fact, I'm back at one day.
Having some time to myself really did not help.
I should not do this... What am I doing... too late!

Perhaps I should join a hobby club. I was doing some krav maga for a while but it wasn't really my cup of tea. So now I'm without regular exercise or outside fun time.
That's probably contributing to my down state.
I really should find something fun to do...

Keep On Trucking

kol tov