Take it One Day At A Time. Try not to think about "how will I stay clean for a week, let alone the rest if my life" focus on staying clean each day at a time. We can only control the present.
    Life is so much more rewarding and fulfilling without being lust ridden. Yes i miss the perception of how I wanted it to make me feel, but i remember how it actually makes me feel. Living a double life is really tough. 
    I hate loneliness too, somemething that helps is try to think about what you are doing to make yourself a better husband and father. This doesn't make loneliness go away but it helps a bit.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

Hey lively,

    Welcome to gye. May I ask what you did to keep from porn and masturbation for 3yrs? Bc thats an amzinh thing.
    I too struggle with loneliness and a bit of anxiety which compound on the loneliness at times and it hits hard. I'm 22 and started porn at age 12. I find that gye is a very helpful tool. I didn't start my journey here. I started on my own and after a few years without success I spoke to a trusted rebbi and was directed to gye.
    I didn't start out with posting or even looking at the forums, I started with the flight2freedom videos. These explain the psychological war that is happening in your brain and really helps understand the fight and gives tools to help fight. I lasted 6 months which was my longest streak since I started working on becoming clean.
    The main thing that helped though was not the Videos. It was opening up. I did it on an in person level which is the most potent but even posting here is helpful. One of the hardest things is fighting alone and by coming here and opening up it takes off some of that burden.

     I don't think it will cure the loneliness but life is so much better without being lust-ridden. Which brings me to my next point,  which I'll explain briefly and highly recomend you reach out to HashemHelpMe. You mentioned "real intimacy" and I hope you aren't confusing porn as "fake intimacy" because it is not. Porn is Lust, intimacy is connection and love. Yes intimacy can't replicate porn, but porn can't either replicate intimacy. Lust kills Intimacy, within a marriage their is a give and take which is mutual, Lust is pure taking and selfishness. To be clear Sex does not equal Intimacy,  it can enhance it but it's not the driving force. 

Hope this isn't too long and feel free anyone to correct me.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!
    

    Saw something last night that was triggering but I'm ok. Trying not to fantasize/focus on the fantasies. I could have avoided it and am kind of kicking myself for putting myself in that situation.
    Luckily it wasn't anything too bad, but it was still triggering and I will do my best not to let it happen again.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

jacko wrote on 22 Dec 2024 22:37:

Here's a hug, friend. I'm sorry you are going through this pain.

If it helps, many here on GYE have been caught by our wives. Some of our wives reacted less forcefully than yours (mine included) some reacted much more forcefully. Either way, every single person I've spoken to was grateful they got caught. Not because they enjoyed the pain, but because it opened the door to getting clean.

I'm not trying to negate your pain in any way. This is a very, very painful thing. But the train that ran you over can lead to the light at the end of the tunnel, if you make it so. Or to mix a different metaphor, now that the boil has been lanced the healing can start (even though right now it seems like there's just blood everywhere).

Don't go this alone. Reach out, find someone you and your wife can speak to and work through some of this old tension, and someone who can support you on your journey to becoming clean, and when the pain fades a bit, keep on trucking.

Welp. Let's see. 

Listened to some Vayimaen for chizzuk. Got told that my name will be left off the choshen. Got told that I never will be able to see the light of Torah. Heard an interesting story with the Sfas Emes and got told that if I just hang on to a moment of inspiration all will be good. Jeez.

At least no one promised that if I just look away one time I'll win the lotto.

Moving on. Somehow today is so different than yesterday. Somehow I went from the darkest choshech right back into the light in a heartbeat. It's honestly confusing.

Yesterday, I was being hammered by irresistible urges. Non-stop. I felt like I was going insane. 

Today is calm and smooth sailing. 

I'm very confused about what changed.  Was it the exceedingly random Hasidic vort someone stopped to tell me about how teshuva depends on techiyas hameisim because that is what ensures you are never out of the game? Was I suffering from nicotine withdrawal yesterday? Was it the non-judgmental caring and support from the boys? I suspect the most likely culprit is the vaad call -- I came off of that hour call in a totally different place than when I went in.

(No that's not marketing. It's just a really helpful tool for people at all stages of the struggle. But since someone brought up the vaad. Let me just mention it's not to late to join! And if you'd like to give back to the community, being a vaad gabbai is an excellent way to do so!)

I think it also helped that two different people pointed out that giving in after a long break re-sensitizes you to this powerful drug - strong urges after a fall like this are normal. It's interesting how helpful it is to feel like you're normal and not a piece of garbage who will never change.

Definitely not out of the woods yet. I committed to three days clean with my accountability partner. I think I can handle that. Then we'll take a breath and reevaluate. 

But very grateful to Hashem for this free gift of a drop of calmness.

Keep on trucking and/or eating your own heart

Crossed the street even though my brain was telling me that it's not that bad in front of you, and you have enough self control to stay on this side and not look. 
  I think the fact that I noticed that it wasn't that bad is an indicator that it actually was.

    Also really tough rn, super exhausted but need to keep on chugging a few more hours. Ill be on watch if my brain tries to trick me. Thats why i remembered to post here bc I think it started creeping. BH good so far. Just wish things could be easier and didnt feel so overbearing right now. Tomorrow it may be better though so that's something to look forward to.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

    Something weird is happening. I am not getting urges but my brain is subtly having thoughts of why not go poking around and find something juicy.
    It's the last thing I want to do and I keep telling myself to just ignore the thoughts as they are subconscious but it feels strange still.
   I think that my mind is regulating now that I am not in full lust mode or full recovery mode and so I've become lax or just not super crazy on top of myself because things like shmiras einayim are becoming 2nd nature. Not that its easy but just that I'm used to it.
    Can anyone relate? It feels like holes in my gaurd that can be exploited yet I know myself enough that I won't exploit it.
    I would blame it on stress and exhaustion but I think those are just making it come to the surface.

BH I don't think I will act out because of this but it makes me a bit more on edge.
What do yall think I should do, or is this normal?

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

    It's scary, difficult, and a bit overwhelming to try to cut ties with this life long "friend". We have to realize that the comfort we feel from acting out is really a facade, and when we learn to let go and deal with matters in a healthy way, life becomes more enjoyable and manageable without porn or masturbation.
    I get stressed and overworked a lot and I have notice that I was more eradic when my brain was wired to react with porn and masturbation. Now my mind is more clear and is able to deal with my situation as it comes rather than to jump to my old "friends" porn and masterbation which would ultimately just leave me with a chemically imbalanced brain and a lot of work to do.

    My experience with avodas Hashem is that I wasn't really connecting with Hashem while lust ridden. I would go to seder and daven b'tzibor 3 times a day but until I really started my journey of wanting and becoming clean I didn't realize how weak my connection was. Now I am more connected to Hashem than ever. I didn't start my journey bc I wanted to be closer to Hashem, but through becoming clean I came to build a stronger connection.

    What I'm trying to say is that your initial drive on this journey to becoming clean is for yourself and your family which is very meaningful, and with time you realize that Hashem is helping you and you can lean on him for help. Just holding off on a Lustful act even if you eventually secumb to it is in it of itself avodas Hashem.

I don't know if I am clear or weather you resonate with this but I hope it does.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

eerie wrote on 04 Dec 2024 17:35:

Wow! All I meant was to point out the "shoutout" and you took a lesson from it!

eerie wrote on 04 Dec 2024 17:35:

Yes! Gevaldig, Eerie - Just what I was expecting from you!

and if I may add. Per the news, the driver accidentally slid onto the tracks due to the heavy snowstorm, if he were to say, 'Hey, this can happen to me then I quit my job' - I think we can agree that he's being silly - it was bad weather and slips happen it has nothing to do with his skills or ability.

The same goes for us in our battle.

Keep plowing!

eerie wrote on 04 Dec 2024 17:35:

Methinks he should retire whilst he still.
Every truck has a train....

Wow! I guess we should hope that in spite of his slips and mishaps, that guy should KEEP ON TRUCKING!!!!

Doing better just gotta be more productive. Thank you all for just being here.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

Hey, Welcome Obama (I never thought I'd ever say those words!)!!!!!!
This is a wonderful place, where we learn to know ourselves, our strengths, our weaknesses, how to become even stronger, and what we can do to be the best we can be

I totally agree with the above posts, my friend. You should be super proud of what you've done so far, and you can work on yourself to continue that amazing growth whether you find the passuk you are looking for or not

But I'd like to say one thing

The entire Torah, from the first letter to the last, is about Hashem's love for you! I don't understand the whole question. When Hashem loves Klal Yisroel, when he chooses us from among all the nations, when he says "אהבתי אתכם אמר ה", when he says "רק אתכם ידעתי מכל משפחות האדמה" it means by defintion that you, and I, and every member of klal Yisroel is loved endlessly. He gave you mitzvos, right? Why? Because He loves you, and he wants your best, He wants you to connect to Him

I'll just write one story. 
There was a Yid who lived in Slonim, who's daughter married a complete am ha'aretz. The chosson didn't even know about shema. The father-in-law decided to teach his son-in-law some basics, so he sat him down and explained the passuk of shema. He taught him about Hashem, about how Hashem is the only G-d, how all the galaxies, how every creature, the mountains, the oceans, everything was created but G=d almighty. And he explained that we declare our faith by saying twice a day the pasuk of shema. 
Then he moved on to v'ahavta. He translated the pasuk as meaning "You should love Hashem, your G-d". The son-in-law refused to accept the translation. Try as hard as he may, the father-in-law could not convince the chosson that he was translating the words correctly. At wits end, he decided to take the chosson to the rebbe, the Yesod Ho'avoida of slonim. The father-in-law explained to the rebbe what was going on, and the rebbe asked the chosson why he wouldn't accept the translation his father-in-law was saying.
To which the chosson replied, "My father-in-law explained to me that Hashem created everything, both the things we see, and the things we don't see. The celestial bodies, the details in every single being. So Hashem is so, so big. He is Almighty, Omnipresent, Greater than I can evr imagine. And I am so, so small. Tiny. Infinitesimal. SO how can it be that Someone as great as G-d should care that someone as tiny as I should love Him?! It just cannot be! It cannot be that he should care that I should love Him!"
The slonimer rebbe told him, "True, G-d is so great, and we are so small. But G-d loves us so much. An infinite love. And because He loves us so much, He wants a relationship with us, and He wants us to love Him in return". The chosson jumped out of his seat and screamed, "If that's the case, if He loves me so much, then I truly love him!!!"
The rebbe would say over this story all the time,saying "that boy reached true ahavas Hashem"

My friend, stick around, make some good friends here, learn the ropes, and beH you'll dust off your pants and KEEP ON TRUCKING!!!!

Will be on gaurd due to feelings of being overwhelmed, tired, and lonely. Not all to do with each other.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!