unanumun wrote:


Oh well. so much for that. The urge came back.
I have been having a tough few days with things that are going on in my life, and sure enough yesterday I found myself having an urge to escape back to my porn. Thankfully I had already left the office for the day.
I had a feeling of lust while driving around on some errands. I realized something interesting about my feelings. At that point I felt that if I had a choice between going home and being with my wife (theoretically, because it definitely wasn't shayich at the the time) or going to watch porn, I would have prefered the porn.
It made me realize that it wasn't about sex at all. It was just wanting to run to the porn as an escape from all that was going on.
Before GYE when I had those feelings I didn't fully understand what it was that I was craving. Just understanding what it was that I really needed was a big help.
I reached out to two of my GYE friends. It helped tremendously. It pulled me through. One of the two had been at one of the mekomos hakedoishim and got out of his car and went back in to say a kapittel tehillim for me. It brought tears to my eyes.
I realized I am not in this alone anymore. I have friends I can discuss this with (even if I still only know some of them only by their user names) People I can open up to, and they are there for me when I need them.
today is better. gonna keep on trucking.....
To be continued..... (I am sure, as much as I wish it would be the end)

ya your right i have to take one day at a time and just relax and things will be okay i have to take dms gye method take deep breaths not thinking about whats ahead of me. so i took my time to write a poem and it makes me feel some what better about myself.

Shmulke Poem
Achieving

So writing a poem makes me feel great when i share it with friends or family because once they see the poem I have written they might comment on the poem and give me complements to which makes me feel good so I have decided to write a poem and here how it goes.

I am happy when I write a poem
Because it makes me feel classy.
Once i achieve a goal
it makes me feel relieved
When I can do an activity
Either writing or learning something new
It gives me the will power
That I can basically do anything
That I can’t fail by doing. When I feel like giving up
I wont let that happen
Because I can always gear up
For the better the more I spread my feelings to
Others to communicate with people
The better off I am to tread water and keep on trucking

I fell again last night and this morning, smaller ones on the scale, but falls none the less.

I had two insights through Yom Tov.

1) I was madly depressed on the first day of Yom Tov. I was HATING myself, hating my life, hating everything about me. Going down that train of thought used to end me up being terribly upset with Hashem as well, but this time it was quite different.

As the thought of "Hashem hates me" started to come, all of my GYE education kicked in and I couldn't help but realize that Hashem loves me just the way I am....it's ME who is upset with the way I am, it is me who is keeping myself miserable!!

The depression didn't lift right away, but it started from there and quicker than other times, it passed.

2) While I was talking to Hashem on Shabbos I was asking Him to help me on Motzei Shabbos, and I started saying "Even though I'm doing ok now, I know that it's so so so so......easy to get off track" After quite a few "so"s I realized that it's quite the opposite.

Default is that I will give in to temptation, default is that when a desire comes I have to satiate it! If I want to stay clean I have to actively go out of that stream, I have to constantly fight against the current!! That's why I'm here, malachim do the right thing by default, Hashem doesn't need me for that.

Starting Today again. It is very easily depressing, as I used to be doing so well......just gotta keep on trucking!!

There's only a little time left for the opportunity that I have here to have an unfiltered computer, I don't need to take advantage of it, not today.

You have something called insight and awareness. Those are very powerful tools.

You say you feel empty, lacking something. It's just a feeling that comes and goes, and it's ok to feel that way sometimes.

Just gotta ride it out and keep on trucking.

It's the NOW that matters!! One day at a time!!

Enjoy the NOW, relish it, make it the best that you can!!

Keep on Trucking!! One Day at a time!!

hey there MBHM!!

Wlecome to GYE!!

Don't be a stranger, tell us more about yourself!

As for that question, I don't think anyone can answer that definitively. The common experience here is, though, that it does get easier. I don't know how long you have been acting out, but for me 55 days is a drop in the bucket, and it wouldn't be reasonable for me to say "Well I'm "clean" for 55 days, so those ten of years of lusting should just fall away magically!!"

(I put clean in quotations because it can have different meanings. Are you not lusting at all, or are you lusting and just not acting out?)

Keep on Posting!! Keep on Trucking!!

Welcome mitzvahman!! Are you under Uncle Moishe's contract?

It's great that you are here. What did you do to stop looking at provocative material? Have you stopped looking at all provocative material?

I ask that because when I first came I thought that I had a problem with porn, AlexEliezer kindly hinted that I ask myself if that was really the case, was I guarding my eyes on the streets? with family? At home?

Lust has many ways that it can get it's fuel, and I need to cut out all those in order to be sober.

Keep on posting brother!! Keep on Trucking!!

Hello and welcome mitzvahman.
You came to the right place. you are doing great being able to go 10 days at a time.
But it would be a lot of help if you share some more info. like age or if you are married ....
The main thing is stick around And keep on trucking.

Welcome to GYE!!

You'd be surprised at how many of us are "normal Yeshivah guys" or even better "normal chassidish guys"!!(I'm neither, nobody has ever accused me of being normal )

Whatever we are, this place brings us together to grow closer to Hashem in our own ways, but together!!

Don't be a stranger, share with us how long you're struggling, what you've tried to do to stop and what your plan is for the future!!

A Gmar Chasimah Tovah!!!

Keep on Trucking!!

Hashem loves you!!

A belated Welcome HN!!

As I'm sure you feel already, there's nothing to be nervous about, we're all in the same boat, all having similar experiences!

See you around!!

Keep on Trucking!!! Keep on Posting!

Mazal Tov!!!

May you be zocheh to many many many more one clean days!!!

Keep On trucking!! KOP!!

hey, great first step. the initial "coming out" (for the lack of a better term), can be really hard. i just joined here a couple weeks ago and i feel like part of one big happy family. the guys here are great, they are a massive help. i am still struggling but i feel so much more positive these days. i feel much less guilt, its amazing. keep in touch as much as you can, in can really help you.

as they say, KOT! (keep on trucking). btw there are approximately 8,000,000,000,000 private jokes on here, so u may not know what they are talking about all the time.

YES TOU CAN!!

keep it up, bro.

KEEP ON TRUCKING!!!!

and keep in touch!!!

Welcome!!

It took me a while to realize that even with this "problem" I am still tovmeod, I am a good man, I am not evil or bad, I am just more or less sick!

Don't be a stranger, tell us more about your struggles, what you've tried, and what your plan is for the future based on what didn't work!!

and certainly Keep On Trucking!!

Yesterday, I did not fall, but I did not get up onto my feet either...

Pidaini, what's the plan? you ask.
Right now, I actually don't know.
I felt great after shul this morning.
At work, a few things went wrong, and I found myself tempted to go browsing for pretty pictures.
I have defeated that thought, but don't really know what comes next.

It's like I know exactly what's wrong and have a basic idea of how to fix things, but getting started and doing it eludes me.

I have a void that needs filling, I am a mere shadow of the action-orientated person I used to be.
Keep On Trucking are the words I hear, but my battery is flat, my tires are deflated.
I feel like I am trapped in a comfort zone, that I know will destroy me if I stay here.

A psychologist friend of mine said I need to get out of this trap - he recommended re-inventing myself, doing something new.
I started a new hobby, but now have a couple of incomplete projects that I just can't put the final pieces into place. Like a fear of completion, a fear of success.

When Yosef was in the prison, he ended up running the place.
I have created a mental prison that I do not run.

That's why I came back to GYE - get out of the isolation. Make some new friends, get the wheels turning again.