I fell today. Why? Why do we feel such despair after falling? I want to give a big shout out to skeptical, whose threads really helped boost my mood after the fall. Funny enough, the yetzer hara does tell us once we fall that all the previous effort we put it in is worthless. Well you know what, I’m proud of myself that I stayed clean for three weeks, and no one can take that that away from me! The community here really inspires me to constantly better myself, and to reinforce a positive attitude no matter what. I have to really let it sink in that this is a disease. A disease isn’t usually cured within a couple of weeks, or even months sometimes. Step by step, I’m slowly getting better. Will I fall again? I don’t know. All I know is that right now I’m clean, and I’m making a difference in my life. I just have to keep on trucking. Thanks guys for helping me through my journey. Your support really makes a dent in the Y”H’s plans. May Hashem help everyone who is struggling with this horrible, prolific disease, a long life full of sobriety and happiness.

hey drew welcome and happy birthday
you mentioned a hobby its really cool to find something else in life to have that keeps you busy. instruments are great cause they give you the ability to get all the emotion out. it really helps if your an emotional guy. listen im still knew so i dont know if im right but for me my hobby wasnt about finding something to do for a few min a day so ill be busy. it was about making my life more fun fulfilling or more fun etc. i know hobby dont necesarily do that but what i found is that when im involved in lust im consumed by the guilt and im always afraid about the next time i wasnt able to function and do what i wanted in life. MY LIFE WASNT GOING WERE I WANTED IT TO. i couldnt just sit and do something awesome like a hobby serenly. after being on here i realized the major role my lust was playing in my life so i decided to do what i wanted to do and do with my life what i wanted without fear or guilt thats were hobbys helped i realixed im doing something that i always wanted to do somehow for me that was much deeper and it helped me a lot more . it also it makes you much more relaxed. thats just my opinion i dont really know what im talking about. i wish you much hatzlocha im totally blown away when you said you went to sleep love you man really your an inspiration take care keep on trucking and again a really happy birthday
p.s.if its your hebrew birthday its a great time for tefillah

GYEmember wrote:


GREAT START ! ! Keep On Trucking !

moshe220 wrote:


I strongly believe in all of the above positive facts. Refuah shleima for your son . The thing of the car... it happens sometimes , dont get wrong conclusions out of that. I see you have an excellent outlook for the future ahead of you. Thats awesome ! You know there is a posuk that says " יתן לך כלבבך וכל עצתיך ימלא . People dont really grasp what it is written here . They think that it says that Hashem will give you your desires , what you wish . But if you are medayek on the words , it says that Hashem gives you whatever it is dwelling in your heart. What is it that you are thinking . If you are thinking in your heart , good, positive things , Hashem will give you accordingly and if C"V you are thinking the opposite then the opposite befalls to that person . So BE"H continue expecting for the good , it will pour on to you , your kids and your whole family . Keep On Trucking my friend , Hatzlacha !

Hi Laughingman!!!

Its not fun to fall but its great to know the guys really care and let me tell you they do.

After a fall you should thank hashem for gye which gives us hope.

About the falling even when things are getting better. I went through the same situation. things were very rough at my end a few weeks ago. And then hashem really showed me some great wonders. Did i stop falling because things were better? no way i though i would but i didn't. The lust issue has to be delt with in its own way not relying and other things going on in life. Thats the realization i came to over the past few weeks. keep it in mind and don't get too hard on yourself.

I think it might be worth checking out the last posts on this thread guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/246817-A-tragedy-of-the-human-condition they might be very helpful.

Kol Tuv and keep on trucking!!!

Keep on trucking.
If one truck gets crashed up, there are plenty more available.

and by the way, 4000 is not the special part. It is the person that typed the 4000 (plus who knows how many more deleted ones) that is special

Thanks for your share Hashiva . You wrote you dont exactly know how to get there . Its a work of a lifetime . But i can tell that slowly but surely , you ARE getting there. Keep on Trucking. The whole 12 steps could be summarized in six words : Trust G.od , Clean House ,Help Others. Behatzlacha !

זכור ימות עולם...

ZemirosShabbos wrote:

Welcome, you're in the right place.

I also masturbated throughout my teenage years, swearing off again and again. I always thought that getting married would make it all better. It did not. In fact my addiction got a lot worse once I was married. Gye has helped a lot.

Keep on posting, keep on reading, keep on trucking.

Wow, a lot of stuff here. I haven't got a huge amount of time so I'll just say one or two things:

First of all amaaaazing that you were clean for 112 days!! Well done! You should be really happy with that.

Personally I want to be sober much more than I want a nice car. You make it sound like you're doing Hashem a favour by staying sober and He should therefore reward you. From my perspective the biggest favour Hashem can do for me is to keep me sober.

You're worried the deal is off? The deal was never on! I don't imagine He signed anything or entered a verbal contract to your deal.

What should you do? Well, that's what this whole website is about. Keep on posting, keep on reading, keep on trucking!

It seems that you are advancing on your journey . Praying to Hashem for His help and guidance always has results. Keep on trucking and may Hashem guide you to find your way .

Hashivalisesonyishecho wrote:


The conversation has moved on a huge amount since I last saw it. Personally, I'm not going to tell you how to run your program. I think that everyone needs a slightly different program and Hashem leads us all along the path we need, if we let Him.

Opening up to another person is a major way to work on this area. If you do decide to share with another person of course you have to choose someone understanding and discreet, preferably someone who's been there themselves.

I find it interesting to see how much stock you put in other people's opinion of you. It was in your first post too:

Hashivalisesonyeshacho wrote:


The idea that even if sharing with someone could save your life you still wouldn't do it if it meant that someone might lose "even a teeny weeny amount of respect" for you if bizarre. Why is the respect so important that you'd rather stay ill than damage it even in a small way?

I also think that this is causing a lot of the destructive shame you're experiencing. It's not just that you're unhappy with your current lifestyle, you think everyone is disappointed in you for not being the godol hador! Imagine the shame if that were really true. In your mind it is true.

But I actually think you've done very well already. You've made a great start and I think you're on the right road. Keep on trucking (KOT) and you'll get there, as long as you're prepared to follow the path Hashem shows you. My question doesn't need to be answered and it isn't me telling you that you have to do it. It's just something you might want to think about.

Hashivah! Welcome again, come in take a seat make yourself comfortable, you are at the right place, don't worry take a deep breath, the chevrah here are special people so warm non-judgemental and so willing to help.

You have taken a great step by coming here, the courage to start posting, admitting to yourself and Hashem is your key to a beginning of recovery.

R' Ellimelech writes in צעטיל קטן סעיף יג, לספר בכ"פ לפני המורה לו דרך ואפי' לפני חבר נאמן, כל המחשבות והרהורים רעים אשר הם נגד התוה"ק ..... ולא יעלים שום דבר מחמת בושה, ונמצא ע"י סיפור הדברים .... משבר את כח היצר הרע וכו.... והוא סגולה נפלאה.

So you have something to work on, continue reading and posting, don't give up hope, it's never to late, day by day keep on trucking, be'hatzlacha.

Hey Ted!

Six weeks plus is something to be proud about, you have accomplished quite a bit, however I don't want to upset you, it's no dream it's reality, so many years of the opposite way will take a while to heal the pain and gain confidence and comfort.

Keep on trucking, work on some program whatever it is and pray to Hashem for help.

Be'Hatzlacha

Dude even when times seem are dark and you can't explain why things are happening remember that Hashem has a master plan and everything happens for the ultimate good. Hashem loves you and brings tests because he wants you to grow as a person and come close to him.

We don't always have answers to why things happen. The trick is to take each test as an opportunity to grow. The greater the person the more potential therefore more tests and more growth. Hashem sees the person with more potential and guides him with tests in order to grow. You wonder why all the greatest people had so many challenges. Do you really think Hashem needs our prayers? What does prayer do? When שרה didn't have a child, do we really think this was some cruel joke by Hashem? Has Hashem not realised that שרה has not had a child and only now after all this prayer does Hashem realise. No! Hashem sees potential. Hashem sees that שרה has huge potential. Therefore Hashem makes it that people with greater potential have greater tests. By giving tests we are given the opportunity to grow and pray. Hashem doesn't need our prayer. Everything is for the final purpose which is ultimately for the good.

Let's say there is a 47000 page maths equation and then there is a final answer. We cannot comprehend how it got to this clear answer. But each minute section of the equation are events that all lead up to it. In the end we have to realise that everything leads to the answer and it will be clear

What feels better? To be on level 1 on a running machine. Your breathing rate has hardly increased. Your not sweating at all.
Or on level 53 you are sweating away, your muscles are aching.
During the actual run it might be easier to be the guy on level 1 breezing through, not making any efforts. He is hardly growing at all though. There are no tests or challenges.
By the end of the run though, the person feeling the best is the one who went on level 53.
We might find in life we are finding it hard to be frum. We see that our friends are having what's a so called "fun" life. We want to live life like them.

There are challenges that seem too hard to overcome and we think why me? When we are sent a challenge you have to realise that the ultimate goal of any challenge is so that you could grow as a person. Why did Hashem want שרה to pray for a child.

Does Hashem really need her prayers? Of course not! You think he didn't know she needed a child? Hashem saw that שרה had great potential. Therefore Hashem activated this by sending a test. The prayers meant that שרה could grow as a person and therefore come closer to Hashem and grow as a person. The teacher is always quiet during the test.. there will be times when you don't see all the answers.
Next time you are sent a test don't waste the chance! This is a great opportunity of growth. Hashem has found potential!

When I take my kid to the doctor, I sometimes need to hold him down while he screams his head off because I'm allowing and even paying for the doctor to stick him with a needle. Am I being cruel?

The difference between my moshul with me and my son, and Hashem and us, is that in the case of my son, we are both human. I may be older and wiser and have more life experience, but all that can be measured. Between us and Hashem, the differences are infinite.

Life is like a heartbeat. If there were no ups and downs you wouldn't be alive.

Next time you are challenged, listen to that heartbeat and remember that everything will turn out for the best.

Remember the ladder from last weeks parasha. Hashem could have chosen anything, stairs, a lift.. why do angels need ladders in the first place?? When you climb a ladder you look up. When you go down the ladder you look up. We need to remember that ultimately everything is from Hashem and even when we fall we need to look up to Hashem. The ladder leans on Hashem. Our whole life we are climbing the ladder and Hashem is their watching us.

Another yesod is: progress not perfection.

We find that Yakov while crossing a river at night, Yakov remains behind the rest of his family, and is accosted by Eisav’s guardian angel, which has many forms – Satan, the angel of death, the evil inclination etc:

וַיִּוָּתֵר יַעֲקֹב, לְבַדּוֹ; וַיֵּאָבֵק אִישׁ עִמּוֹ, עַד עֲלוֹת הַשָּׁחַר. וַיַּרְא, כִּי לֹא יָכֹל לוֹ, וַיִּגַּע, בְּכַף-יְרֵכוֹ; וַתֵּקַע כַּף-יֶרֶךְ יַעֲקֹב, בְּהֵאָבְקוֹ עִמּוֹ. וַיֹּאמֶר שַׁלְּחֵנִי, כִּי עָלָה הַשָּׁחַר; וַיֹּאמֶר לֹא אֲשַׁלֵּחֲךָ, כִּי אִם-בֵּרַכְתָּנִי. וַיֹּאמֶר אֵלָיו, מַה-שְּׁמֶךָ; וַיֹּאמֶר, יַעֲקֹב. וַיֹּאמֶר, יַעֲקֹב לא יֵאָמֵר עוֹד שִׁמְךָ–כִּי, אִם-יִשְׂרָאֵל: כִּי-שָׂרִיתָ עִם-אֱלֹהִים וְעִם-אֲנָשִׁים, וַתּוּכָל. וַיִּשְׁאַל יַעֲקֹב, וַיֹּאמֶר הַגִּידָה-נָּא שְׁמֶךָ, וַיֹּאמֶר, לָמָּה זֶּה תִּשְׁאַל לִשְׁמִי; וַיְבָרֶךְ אֹתוֹ, שָׁם. – And Yakov was left alone, and a man grappled with him until daybreak. And when he saw that he could not overcome him, he struck his hip, and dislocated his hip, as he grappled with him. And he said, “Let me go, because dawn is breaking!” – but Yakov said “I will not let you go, until you bless me”. So he said to him, “What is your name?”, and he replied, “Yakov”. And he said, “No longer shall your name be Yakov, for your name is Yisrael, because you have mastery with God and men, and you have prevailed”. And Yakov asked, and said, “Now tell me your name?”‘ and he replied, “Why is it you ask for my name?”‘ and he blessed him there. (32:25-30)

Rashi explains how the word וַיֵּאָבֵק – to wrestle/grapple, comes from the word אבק, dust, called so for the dust that is kicked up when moving and grappling for leverage. There is a Midrash that the dust kicked up from this epic struggle, reached all the way to Hashem’s throne.

R Tzvi Meir Silberberg explains how this relates to all of our struggles. People think that Judaism is about results, an end product. Not so. It was the not the victory that went up to Heaven; that remained with Yakov. But the struggle, the dust kicked up, went straight up to Hashem.
No one is born perfect. We are human, and we struggle. It is the human condition, and it’s what we are here for.

It is apt that this struggle occurs at night, which is darkness, the uncertain, the unknown. When confronted with light, which is truth and reality, the night is dispelled. This angel has to leave at sunrise, to sing in front of Hashem.

The Gemara in Suka teaches how at the end of days, Hashem will slaughter the Satan, and the righteous will cry because they will see it as a mountain, and they don’t understand how they overcame it, but the evil will cry because it will be as if it were a hair, and lament their lack of control and discipline to resist it. The Yetzer Hara is subjective.

The Steipler compares this to someone who hasn’t seen their family in a long time, and is certain that when they meet, they will all be happy, and never argue or fight again. It will never last. The imagination stage is always better that the reality, because when reality hits, the illusions disappear.
The angel had to leave when confronted with reality, and Yakov asks for his name. He asks for his name. The angel seems to refuse a real answer, “Why is it you ask for my name?”.

R’ Leib Chasman explains that this is the essence of what it is – nothing. It cannot be defined, because it’s almost a reflection of ourselves. There is no answer to what is, just what we make it into.

Keep on trucking. One day at a time!!!